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How to Stop Being a Victim of Your Own High Expectations

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“The outward freedom that we shall attain will only be in exact proportion to the inward freedom to which we may have grown at a given moment. And if this is a correct view of freedom, our chief energy must be concentrated on achieving reform from within.” ~Gandhi

If someone asked you to recall the last time you were kind to yourself, would you struggle to bring up that memory?

At one point in time, I couldn’t remember ever being kind to myself.

I grew up with a lot of expectations from a demanding mother and other caretakers. Their expectations …

28 Ways We Sabotage Our Happiness (And How to Stop)

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“The simplest things in life are the most extraordinary.” ~Paul Coelho

Life can be frustrating. Things don’t always go according to plan.

People let you down, your loved ones seem insufficiently appreciative, the future seems uncertain, demands pile up, and stress invades your life.

You start to beat yourself up over mistakes. You might even start to question if you are worthy of love. Life loses its shine.

You’re not alone. Hundreds of millions of people feel this way. But pause for a little while to consider this story.

A personable young man approached me at a gathering and …

A Science-Backed Habit That Can Change Your Life for the Better

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“He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.” ~Epictetus

When I lost my aunt to cancer three years ago, her death sat over me for months and acceptance didn’t begin until I had dinner with Kathy, one of my best friends.

Over noodles, I shared with Kathy all the things I wouldn’t be able to do with my aunt: the conversations we would never get to have, the places we wouldn’t get to go, the food we wouldn’t be able to eat, and the grand-nephews …

6 Signs You Have a Strong Friendship That Will Stand the Test of Time

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“Friendship… is not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.” ~Muhammad Ali

Doesn’t it hurt?

You develop a friendship with someone who appeared to be decent but turned out to be a huge problem in your life.

I’m not talking about those occasional slip-ups like keeping you waiting at the coffee shop until 4:10 when the rendezvous was scheduled for 4:00.

I mean those things that completely slash the fabric of your friendship—stuff that truly hurts, like harsh words that prey on your weaknesses and sensitivities, or complete …

5 Ways to Create Amazing Friendships

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“To have a friend and be a friend is what makes life worthwhile.” ~Unknown

Studies show that perhaps the most important component of psychological well-being is not family, material possessions, or career successes, but rather our friendships.

For someone like me, that is terrifying news.

I have few friends. There are several reasons for that: I’ve moved often throughout my life, I’m an introvert, I was always deeply afraid of rejection. But the root cause was that I never learned how to be a friend.

Books and movies became my source of information about friendship and as a result …

How to Reclaim Your Energy So You Can Follow Your Dreams

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“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” ~Dan Millman

I don’t care who you are or where you live, we all have one thing in common: We like to dream—to close our eyes and imagine that we’re living the life we were meant to lead. It’s a desire that’s imbedded in our DNA. To want more. Achieve more. Become more.

It’s why we start new businesses, write novels, learn to play the guitar, get our MBA, change careers, learn to cook, sew, or speak Swahili.

We’re …

How Your Expectations Can Hold You Back and Keep You Unhappy

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“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportions to my expectations.” ~Anonymous

I used to be quite the model student. I thrived at university and seemed to be meeting all the expectations of our milestone-society.

Having chosen a Business Masters at a well-established university in the Netherlands, I was being schooled for a corporate career in a multinational firm, which I thought was what I wanted for myself.

I was led to believe that a shiny-bright future was waiting for me as soon as I acquired this magical piece of paper, and who doesn’t want …

How to Cultivate Hope When the World Feels Dark and Scary

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“Everything you can imagine is real.” ~Pablo Picasso

The world is so broken. We are broken. We all need healing.

Recent events worldwide are terrifying and sad. This cold and dark time of year is a challenge for many.

Some of us feel every little thing. We feel everyone’s pain. We are empaths who care for every person, every animal, and the whole world.

Many of my loved ones and friends are like this. My partner’s father recalls that on a trip to a large city nearby (my partner was eight), they saw people living on the street and asking …

8 Simple Ways to Brighten Someone’s Day

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“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a tent with a mosquito.” ~African Proverb

I have a love-hate relationship with airports.

On the one hand, it’s the perfect place to people-watch. I mean, how can you not tear up when you see a kid running to give a returning parent a giant hug? Or two lovers reuniting and smiling from ear to ear when they lay eyes on each other? You are witness to perfect snippets of pure, genuine emotional connection.

On the other hand, airports can be a drag. Long line-ups, having …

What to Do When You Love Someone Who Hurts You

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“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chödrön

There is a person in my life who I love with all my heart, but in this relationship I struggle to keep a full cup myself. They are family, the situation is complicated and tender. But learning to have compassion for this other person begins with having compassion for myself.

A nasty divorce spanning most of my childhood set the stage for our current situation. My mother was deeply emotionally wounded by my father, and carried that pain into her parenting of my …

Why Silence Is Often the Best Response to a Verbal Attack

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“Have the maturity to sometimes know that silence is more powerful than having the last word.” ~Thema Davis

It all started with the forks.

“You need to return my forks,” my roommate demanded one morning as I sat in the kitchen attempting to get some work done.

“I have already said that I don’t have them. We told you that the other roommate has been hiding them,” I replied.

She began raising her voice at me, “I can’t believe you would accuse her. You’re just a mean, nasty person!”

I slowly turned around and said calmly, “Today is my birthday, …

How to Make Peace with the Past and Stop Being a Victim

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“Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” ~Harvey Fienstein

Do you usually feel as if everything bad that can happen will happen, and it will happen to you?

You must be the unluckiest person on the face of the planet. Opportunities never work out. Doors that should open close in your face. Friends let you down. Bosses don’t see your value. There seems to be a universal conspiracy to keep you stuck right where you are now.

You feel like your life is always going to be like this.…

How to Get the Excitement of a Fresh Start Every Day

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“Since we cannot change reality, let us change the eyes which see reality.” ~Nikos Kazantzakis

One minute I was a young warrior in a guild of travelers, the next, a middle-aged aristocrat in a strange Victorian world.

A pretty standard day. Oh, did I forget to mention where I was?

I was at a role-playing convention. That was over twenty years ago. Here’s how the fun worked.

Every three to four hours, I would play a different session. That means I would become a new character and go on new adventures in another world, with different people. It was …

Why We Don’t Need to Try So Hard to Be Better

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“To heal a wound, you need to stop touching it.” ~Unknown

I’ve always been an overachiever. In sixth grade, I spent weeks memorizing over five pages of the poem “Horatius at the Bridge” for extra credit, even though I already had an A in the class.

When I started therapy in my mid-twenties to deal with depression and panic attacks, I turned my overachieving tactics to self-improvement. I spent hours journaling, going to meetings, talking to mentors, reading books, and beating myself up when I fell into old habits.

I always worried: Was I doing it right? Was I …

Increase Your Self-Love: 8 Ways to Be Good to Yourself

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“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection.” ~Buddha

Someone asked me a couple of years ago out of ten, how much did I love myself? I said four. I had to give my immediate, intuitive answer, as this was the honest truth.

Four! That came as a shock to me. It’s low. I thought I was pretty good with myself. I’m smart, multitalented, not bad looking, generally happy, I have lots of friends and enjoy life.

But now the truth began to shine. With introspection I could see why the …

Why Advice Doesn’t Help When We’re Hurting (and What Does)

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“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we’re listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.” ~Karl A. Menninger

I remember my first call like it was yesterday.

I answered the phone, heart beating out of my chest, hand firm on a sheet of local emergency phone numbers.

The voice on the other end was full of
 meek embarrassment.

Not exactly what I was expecting.

“Uhh, I’m really sorry
 I’m not, uhh
 I’m not suicidal
. I just
 I just had a …

Coping with Loss and Heartbreak: How to Get Through the Pain

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“The unendurable is the beginning of the curve of joy.” ~Djuna Barnes

November, 2014. A story you’ve heard a million times. The person I believed with all my heart to be “the one” ceased to feel the same way about me.

My heart and soul shattered, I had no desire to live, the whole works.

Having your heart broken, especially by someone you truly loved is, from my perspective, the worst kind of pain there is. It makes you lose all sense of self, reality, purpose, and faith. To me, it felt like my soul was being severed …

How to Let Go of the Stuff That Keeps You Emotionally Stuck

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“The totality of my possessions reflects the totality of my being. I am what I have … What is mine is myself.” ~Jean Paul Sartre

What kind of relationship do you have with your stuff?

Embracing who we are naturally requires a letting go of who we aren’t, but perhaps want to be. That ties directly to our physical belongings, which can renew and inspire us in the direction we’re headed—or hold us back.

Over the years, I’ve found that the objects with the most powerful grip on us are not necessarily those we use frequently and with ease, but …

You Don’t Have to Adjust Who You Are to Please Others

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“If you are busy pleasing everyone, you are not being true to yourself.” ~Jocelyn Murray

Do you say yes to things only to keep people happy?

Do you fear saying and doing what you actually want?

I know how that feels.

From a young age, I was the polite, good girl. I rarely rebelled. I wanted to keep everyone happy. I thought that if I was honest I’d be rejected. That those closest to me wouldn’t love me. I thought I’d end up alone.

At friends’ houses, asked what I’d like to drink or eat, I would always respond with …

Are You Being Too Supportive? (Yes, There is Such a Thing)

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“We cripple people who are capable of walking because we choose to carry them.” ~Christie Williams

Years ago, I had a dear friend who needed a lot of support for various reasons. She was working hard to find her way out of a dark period. She had suffered traumas and tragedies—things I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Her life really did resemble a roller coaster ride. It was heartbreaking to watch her struggle, exciting when things would be on the upswing, and upsetting again when things would spiral downhill.

Because I had known her almost my whole life and because I …