Identity Issues: How do I Return to My True Self?

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 3 days, 23 hours ago by Roberta.

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July 9, 2026 at 7:08 pm #459342

Kris Simmons
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For context, I have C-PTSD and suffered FSA (Family Scapegoat Abuse).

There has been drama and dysfunction in family long before I was born, so I was born into a not-so-great environment. When I was little, around ages 3-4, I tried to be the goofball of the family and tried really hard to make everyone laugh. But I got older and started to find my own identity. I didn’t feel the need to make people laugh anymore.

I was also the scapegoat of the family and I would get crap for feeling strong emotions and I still do. I know that my family would prefer if I was that same goofy little girl, but I’m not. My older sister loves to bring up how happy and goofy I was back then and to me, it’s so obvious that she prefers that version of me than who I am now, which sucks because I feel like most myself than I ever have. It feels like a rejection, like who I am now isn’t good enough and that the old me was better.

Even when I try to be myself, I still feel the need to perform, which makes sense considering I was performing for my family for years by being the “goofy one.” My family tries so hard to act like that goofy version of me is the “real” me but I don’t feel that way. For some reason, I felt the need to perform for my family at such a young age. I want to let go of this need to always be “on.” I want to feel safe enough to be myself.

I could be wrong, but I feel like my older sister became verbally abusive once I started to develop my own identity. I have a lot more to say about this but I’ll leave that for another post.

How do I get rid of this need to perform and just be my authentic self?

July 9, 2026 at 9:09 pm #459345

anita
Participant

Hello again, Kris Simmons:

The sentence that touched me most in what you shared above is this:

“I want to feel safe enough to be myself.”

And the sentence that makes me want to 👏 is:

“I feel like most myself than I ever have.”

Clearly, your older sister is unsafe for you, isn’t she.

I read your original post on your other new thread. I am using my phone, so I can’t open a new window and re-read it, or what you shared about her previously, but seems to me that it’s convenient for her to direct her hostility at you simply because she is so much older than you, and always had been.

Based on the little I know about your situation, seems to me, that her ongoing hostility toward you has nothing to do with you abandoning your old role (the goofy one), and nothing to do with you being your authentic self. But everything to do with her.. misery- within.

Picking on you may give her a break from that misery- within. It’s a very common dynamic when it comes to the scapegoating type of abuse.

Your thoughts?

“How do I get rid of this need to perform and just be my authentic self?”-

Maybe by knowing (if you agree) that performing will not earn you approval, and neither will being your authentic self. Your sister’s disapproval has nothing to do with who you are, or were, and everything to do with who they are? 🤔

✨️ 🌿 ✨️ Anita

July 9, 2026 at 9:10 pm #459346

Thomas168
Participant

I find (and I could be wrong) that to be able to be oneself is to be alone with oneself. When others are in the room, we get pushed and pulled one way or another. That is just the nature of being human. We are influenced by our environment and the people in it. To me, goofy you was just a part of you. Now that you are older, you have changed. That is only natural. You don’t have to please everyone.

So, first you need time to spend alone to find your authentic self. The when you find yourself, you must continue to be yourself while you are with others. One step at a time. Good luck.

July 10, 2026 at 12:34 am #459349

Alessa
Participant

Hi Kris

I’m sorry that your family started rejecting you more and more as you grew up. 🩵

It’s pretty common for kids in dysfunctional homes to be smiley and goofy when they are young. Those behaviours are what gets them positive attention. You relied on them for survival because you were so young. 🩵

But older children as they understand more and more about the difficulties of their situation. As they get rejected more and more for expressing themselves, start to feel more of an emotional distance. As the attention span and memory continues to develop feelings stay for longer and they are acutely aware of navigating the difficulties around then.

You just grew up Kris and did nothing wrong. 🩵

I think you did a great job expressing yourself and honouring your authentic self today! 😊

July 10, 2026 at 9:21 am #459357

Roberta
Participant

Dear Kris

Please tell us about your authentic self, what qualities do you like to shine thru? Who/what do you share them with & what do you see in others when they are being authentic too?
How does it feel when you are able to be your true self?
When & where do you find it easiest to be at home with yourself?
Best wishes
Roberta
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