Dear Sisi

You can not change the past, all you can do is try to learn a few things from it about yourself primarily, without turning into a guilt ridden blame/shame fest.
On the surface it would be wise to cut out or down the alcohol, you yourself could make a list of the reasons. I gave alcohol nearly 20 years ago so that I could not blame my actions on that anymore, yes I still have errors of judgement but it is easier for me to see the other driving factors, jealousy, fear, loneliness being tired or hungry etc
Did you feel that the exclusivity was just the alcohol talking from his side, did you talk about it soberly afterwards? Is the exclusivity just for the time that you two are living in the same location?
If you chose to have a frank & honest conversation with your bf please do it sober & in a public place preferably with a female friend in the vicinity.
I hope the others on the forum can give you some sound advice
Roberta

Sisi, good Friday afternoon 🙂

Reading your post today reminded me of something you shared years ago, back in 2019, when you were struggling with jobs. You called yourself back then “stupid,” “immature,” and “full of excuses” for leaving a job that caused you a lot of distress. And you told me that those messages came from you and from your mother — that she disliked it when you quit, and that you felt you had to “toughen up,” “stick it out,” not be “a quitter,” even when something was too much for you.

I’m mentioning this because I see a similarity in what you’re going through now. You’ve been in a confusing, emotionally unstable situation with someone you care about, trying to stick it out, trying not to disappoint, trying to be strong even when you were scared and unsure. And when everything became overwhelming, you turned all the blame inward, just like you did back then.

To me, it looks like you’ve carried a lot of pressure for a long time — the pressure to endure discomfort, not be “a quitter,” not let anyone down. And when you finally break under that pressure, you blame yourself completely.

I wonder if the same pattern might be showing up again: the internalized criticism, the fear of disappointing someone, the pressure to endure, and then the self‑blame when you’re overwhelmed.

How does this feel to you, Sisi?

🌿✨️🌿 Anita

Well, you might hate me for saying this, … but, ….

You and your boyfriend did not talk enough to know what was on each other’s mind. There was not enough communication. So, there was this lack of of understanding. Sure you liked him and he like you but there was not enough talk about what the future would look like. To see if there was an alignment. You want to go home. He wants to go find a job. So, even though you made the promise to be exclusive, your emotions on this was not absolutely clear. The alcohol only exacerbated it.

Where would loyalty be? Why spend time with another man at all if you wanted to be exclusive. You set up the conditions for this to happen. If you ask me, you should try to work on yourself. Figure out what you want in life and then go about building it. Confess? Did that make you feel better or did it make him feel worse?

Emotional out burst that scares you? Something is wrong if that gets triggered. I am sorry for all the sadness that has happened. But, it is a situation of your own creation. So, how do you go from here? Right where you should have been in the first place. Talking about what you see your futures to be like. Do you plan to marry? Do you plan to have babies/children? Who works and who takes care of the children? What type of housing can you afford? What will it take to make your relationship solid again??

Yeah, I am sorry. Maybe I read your post wrong. I don’t know. I have been a sad sack all my life and only see things from the worse point of view. So, live a good life and make me regret my words. Wishing you well.

Hey dear Sisi:

I’m not sure if you saw my last reply to you.

I just want to say something simple. You’re being very hard on yourself right now, and I understand why — you’re scared of disappointing people. But not everyone who responds to you is actually seeing the situation clearly. Some people speak from their own hurt or their own worldview, and it can feel like they’re pointing a finger at you even when the situation is more complicated than that.

You don’t have to carry every bit of blame that others place on you.

You don’t have to please everyone or pacify every voice. There will always be responses that misunderstand you or oversimplify what happened — sometimes directly, sometimes indirectly. Your job is not to absorb all of that or shape yourself around it.

You’re allowed to look at what happened with honesty without punishing yourself or agreeing with anyone who wants to punish you.

🌿✨️🌿 Anita

Dear Sisi

“Lee said we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend but we’re exclusive and we haven’t spoken of the future and we’ve been in this grey area where we’ve both kinda not been perfect… I’m frustrated that the situation became like that.” I don’t get it if you were not actually bf & gf how can you be exclusive? maybe a typo?
Roberta