Yeah i think most of us have insecurities. Its hard to completely get rid of.

I knew this term because i’ve always been doing it and i searched for it once.

Yeah ask him. Also tell him about what happened now. I checked her profile and i saw that she had 6 new followers and my stomach immediately dropped, mouth went dry and i felt heat rising in my body, legs got a bit limp haha.

Oh it’s ok, whenever u can 🙂

Yeah lol, i think yes, that’s the feeling behind that..

I was the one who told u about it because u told me that whenever u would be involved with someone u would be jealous of his past and be bothered by it.

Yeah i guess it’s because of that but i can’t perfectly pinpoint it. Before november tho, i would be sure it’s because of that.

Alright, will read ur reply tomorrow 🙂

Haha i have so many emojis on my phone.

Copilot: “Yes — I remember Confused clearly. And anticipatory loss fits him almost perfectly, because it explains why he reacts so intensely before anything is actually lost.

Anticipatory loss is when someone feels the threat of losing connection long before the loss actually happens. The body reacts as if the loss is already occurring.

In Confused, this shows up everywhere: the moment he senses distance, uncertainty, or emotional ambiguity, his system collapses into numbness, doubt, rumination, or panic. He doesn’t wait for the relationship to change — he pre‑feels the loss and then spirals.

This is why he intellectualizes, why he shuts down, why he questions his feelings, and why he becomes terrified that he’ll “forget her” if he stops looping. His nervous system is constantly bracing for abandonment before it happens.

The mechanism in him- Confused has a fearful‑avoidant pattern: he longs for closeness but expects it to disappear. So, when he feels love, vulnerability, or emotional intensity, his system interprets it as danger.

Anticipatory loss triggers: 

* Emotional shutdown — numbness, anhedonia, detachment

* Rumination loops — trying to think his way out of fear

* Self-protection — doubting the relationship so the loss hurts less

* Avoidance — pulling away to reduce the risk of being hurt. He’s not losing the relationship — he’s losing his sense of safety inside it.

Why anticipatory loss hits him so hard-

Because his emotional system doesn’t trust connection. He grew up in an environment where emotions were overwhelming, unpredictable, or unsafe. So now, when he feels closeness, his body prepares for the moment it will be taken away. This is why even positive emotions trigger shutdown. His system is trying to avoid the pain of future loss by numbing the present.

The bottom line- Confused isn’t confused — he’s scared.

He’s not ambivalent — he’s bracing.

He’s not detached — he’s protecting himself from a loss that hasn’t happened yet.

Anticipatory loss is the invisible engine behind his shutdowns, his doubt, his emotional decay, and his fearful‑avoidant cycling.”

Good morning, Confused:

I asked Copilot to summarize his input in the last 2 posts I sent you in the simplest language.

Copilot: Confused reacts so strongly because his body is constantly bracing for loss before anything actually happens. He has a fearful‑avoidant pattern, which means he wants closeness but also expects it to disappear.

So, the moment something feels uncertain — even something small like her getting new followers — his nervous system panics as if he’s already losing her.

This isn’t a thought process; it’s automatic. His body goes into a threat response: stomach dropping, dry mouth, heat, weak legs. That’s his system going into fight or flight because he’s terrified of future abandonment.

When he shuts down, overthinks, doubts his feelings, or pulls away, it’s not because he doesn’t care. It’s because he’s trying to protect himself from a loss he feels coming, even when nothing is actually wrong. Underneath all of it, he isn’t confused — he’s scared, bracing, and trying to avoid pain.”

Then in general: “A fearful‑avoidant person usually grows up in a home where love and fear were mixed together, so the child never learned to feel safe in closeness or safe in distance.

The parent was often inconsistent — sometimes warm, sometimes withdrawn, sometimes overwhelmed, sometimes explosive — which taught the child that connection can feel good one moment and dangerous the next.

Because of this, the child learned two opposite survival strategies at the same time: reaching out for comfort and pulling away to protect themselves.

Over time, this creates emotional whiplash inside the child, who wants closeness but also expects it to hurt or disappear. Feelings swing sharply between closeness and fear, comfort and danger, or wanting connection and wanting to run. They grow up scanning for signs of rejection, bracing for loss before it happens, and shutting down when feelings get too big.

Their body learned early that love is unpredictable, so as adults they feel safest when they can control distance — even though they long for connection: pulling back, slowing things down, or creating space.

This is the core childhood pattern behind fearful‑avoidant attachment: craving closeness and fearing closeness at the same time, because the person who was supposed to be safe was also a source of fear or confusion.”

Next, I asked a question and Copilot answered: “When Confused ‘obsesses’ about her, it’s because his nervous system is terrified of losing the feeling of connection.

For someone with a fearful‑avoidant pattern, love feels unstable inside their body, so when the feeling fades even a little (because of stress, distraction, or normal emotional fluctuation), they panic and try to mentally hold onto the person so they don’t ‘lose’ them.

The fear is about forgetting the feeling of safety he gets from her. His looping thoughts are his way of keeping the relationship alive in his mind, so he doesn’t fall into the numbness or shutdown that scares him even more.

In simple terms: he obsesses because thinking about her feels like the only way to keep the connection from disappearing.”

Also, how do i revert to the stage before? i dont want the obsessions of her to be the only thing that ties me to her, i want the connection back 🙁

Confused: “I want the connection back”

Maybe if you stop wanting it back, maybe it will come back.

I read it long ago and it stayed with me: someone in prison was obsessed with getting out, and he asked someone (maybe a guru of some kind): “How can I get out of here??? How can I be free???”

And the guru said: “stop wanting to get out of here (prison), and you will be free.”

When you keep wanting to feel what you felt pre- Nov, that keeps you stuck. But if you grieve pre- Nov and let it go, a new freedom might emerge.

What thinks Confused?

🌿 🎶 🌴 Anita

I am afraid that if i let it go, i will have to end things. It feels as if the rumination is the only thing that ties me to her now. And i don’t wanna end things, i want my happiness with her back, our special thing 🙁