Oh i see what u mean. I think i mostly want to feel it for myself first, because i think that’s how i will feel good and okay.

But for how long? I dont enjoy anything, i want the 2025 back 🙁

No no, it is the opposite, i can’t how that felt, my mind “removed” it, like a distant cognitive memory, no emotional charge, that goes for my whole life pretty much 🙁

Yes some days have been fun but i constantly ask from myself to be enthusiastic, miss her, be crazy about her, etc, otherwise it’s hard to feel it.

I know it does but i can’t really stop it, no matter what i do, play games, watch movies, be out with friends, ride the motorcycle , nothing works. All i do is think and ruminate and when i don’t i feel bad for not doing it lol.

Yes we did talk about those two, what do u mean changing thinking=changing feelings? About drugs, i am still not comfortable idk, maybe Wellbutrin but i need to find someone to prescribe that for me..

Yes, the therapist suggested CBT-ERP mostly, she constantly says i should really master CBT and slowly eliminate compulsions but she knows it’s difficult.

Hey anita

I relate with almost everything copilot said and i understand it, but what i don’t understand is why is this happening for months on-end? Why now? What is this trying to tell me? Maybe it’s not trying to tell me anything and it’s just a protection mechanism designed to keep u away from closeness or building deeper foundations/intimacy? I can’t understand what’s happening.
Today i feel more numb than ever, we were texting and i was feeling dysphoria and a burden.I hate it.

Paulien timmer also says that doubts are a protection mechanism of the FA

Oh then yes, i was already scanning/being hyper-aware and very afraid of losing her before november.

Thats what i thought when u talked about middle grounds in buddhism.

But how can i kick this part out of me or silence it? I dont need it 🙁
Also how can i know if it’s this for sure? I think it all began since that future-convo 🙁

I used to believe in love fairytales, that love will save me and i will be complete

Hey anita

Hmm u mean even before November? could be yeah..

Haha that’s also what my therapist was saying yesterday. I was telling her about my somatic reactions (to the post, her superior hitting on her, etc) and she basically said that the feeling IS there, but i “choose” not to acknowledge it because it’s not the extreme infatuation or the other extreme, fear of loss/rejection, so it goes unnoticed by my mind and i should try to accept the middle grounds because even herself (she used herself as an example), said: Now i think about my boyfriend leaving me, which i love so much, and i can’t feel anything because the situation is not right/fitting, we can’t “order” feelings, they come when the time is right or if the situation demands it.

I feel good knowing that someone understands me because i definitely don’t haha.

Yesterday i was feeling much better, texting with her was so much fun and i even felt some warmth and loving feelings (i think?? what is love?)

What bothers me is this:
Almost a year ago when i would be falling for her i would see in her all i wanted in a girlfriend. She’s sweet, kind, loving, caring, smart, great sense of humour, communicates, shares deep feelings, she’s damn pretty, i love her eyes, her smile, her voice, her hair, her neck, damn even her hands/feet look great to me (things i would never pay attention to in previous girls). She was lighting candles and praying for me to be safe, even got me a guardian bell for the motorcycle. I would say to myself, “wow, how did i find this gem”, i wanna share my life with her, be there for her, hold her in my arms when she shares her deepest vulnerabilities and insecurities with me, have her in my arms until she falls asleep and then wake up kissing her warm lips, hugging her warm body, go on trips with her, surprise her at work, bring her coffee/food, pick her up and go on small trips without her knowing.
All the above were things i would think about constantly until November and i would feel so good, so hopeful and happy. But now nothing gets through to me, nothing “touches” me, none of the above. I can still see she’s pretty and a great person but nothing moves me, i am unfazed. It’s like this part of is gone.. and it’s not like i wanna experience it with another girl, no. It’s like my whole “romantic identity”, me being a “boyfriend” is vanished. And i can’t fathom because this is who i used to be my whole life, i was dreaming of finding a girl like her that likes so many things that i like and have all those qualities.. 🙁

Yes i’ve always been hypervigilant in almost every area of my life, even when driving i will think ahead that maybe an accident is gonna happen to me. I always thought it was low confidence or something..

I think that’s exactly what happened to me in November, waking up flat, panicking and then burnt-out by obsessing and also hiding stuff from her because how can u tell ur person that u can’t even type a whole sentence? that u forget words within seconds and u can’t give them yesterday’s energy? Especially in our case which was so delicate.. I will never disappear, even if we split i want to always be there for her because she’s a great person and she deserves it, she is always so loving and kind to me 🙂
Yes it surprised me too that i didn’t feel triggered to bolt, i guess it’s because i know what she’s going through and i am not the one to abandon.

Hmm how did u go through it anita? Did u feel things or felt differently?

I just want to feel like before with her, to enjoy our connection without all this numbness, anxiety, overthinking etc. 🙁
Also now i can’t feel sadness or cry with her gifts and her chocolates and that worries me.. Maybe it’s because we’re good and i dont “have to” ?

Something else that i might have told u again tho, i’ve never missed anyone in my life and sometimes i think that i am incapable of that, except if someone offers me something..

Hey anita

Yeah exactly, that’s how i feel.. 9/10 ppl/cases say what u and copilot shared but i still cant fathom it consciously so its very confusing!

I’ve always been alert waiting for the other shoe to drop and i realize it more now, no matter how good things going, i’m always hypervigillant that something will go wrong and things will get dumpstered or they will leave me. But i wasn’t like that 10 years ago, i used to not give a damn and i would enjoy everything..

I hope i’m not delusional and i can actually find out the pattern and change it..

Yesterday we had a long convo (sort of) and she basically told me that she feels exhausted to her core and that she can’t even form sentences/send me messages with emotion and she’s very scared.. She doesn’t know why she feels this way and says it’s not like herself at all. Rings a bell? I described her what i went through in November/December/January, all of it and she says it seems very familiar.. So i told her if it’s anything like my case, to take space and stop putting expectations on herself, stop trying to “give me feelings” and i’m here for her anytime and i’m not going anywhere (neither being interested in other girls)

It’s ironic how she got this issue too now, wow..

Maybe you are right anita, i have no idea how this works. One thing i do know for sure tho, is when i sense rejection i have an urge to back off.. Damn, such a beautiful connection we shared, i wouldn’t change it for a thing. I remember in december i would go back to our chat around august-september and i was reading our messages, i could remember it was me who sent those messages, i could remember that i was feeling amazing, but i couldn’t “feel” the feeling, like it was someone else.. I was like “damn, that was me..”

I wish i could go back in time 🙁