Nothing comes out when i try that, it’s like there is nothing there. Even though i’ve heard people doing that.

Another paradox that bothers me is, i text her/call her, we have a lot of fun, playfulness, teasing each other, warm moments, but next day i wont have the “urge” to initiate contact again. I can’t understand me.. Even tho i have no urge for anything

I guess i got to sleep it off now..

The only times i would relax would be with a loved one, hugging and just being there. I remembered back in 2019 with an ex of mine, the hugs used to feel so strongly content and warm. I felt that with the current one but i was clouded by anxiety, but still, i can’t remember the feeling..

Yes idk why..I read her card again and cried a bit, then i was shopping online for a gift on her nameday which is a month from now and i was happy and excited thinking of her reaction. Then suddenly i felt dysphoria and anger lol. Could it be that im hangry?

Ok even tho i cant consciously connect them, why am i turning the volume down?

Hmm, how can i prevent that then?

But why would that affect my whole being and not just the relationship with her? It seems very strange to me.

Hmm, ever since the day this happened, i’ve been at war with myself, the feelings, the numbness, everything.

Idk if it helps but im trying to find the correct order, did the anhedonia come first and then fear of losing her or “future plans talk” > fear > dissociation > anhedonia?

I dont remember feeling scared, i was feeling empty/unsatisfied/no mood..but as soon as i realized that even talking to her didn’t lift my mood i instantly panicked and started obsessing over “where did my feelings go”..

Yeah, that’s what she said (not directly because she’s shy & afraid too), but i think she does.. She’s a gem 🙁

I know i just assumed u learned many things about that place haha (that is the trap 😉 )

Yeah same sadly..

Haha thank you for your kind words anita 🙂

Btw, i think we’ve talked about it again, but what are the symptoms of dissociation? Do u think i got it in November?

Haha i dont think they even perform it nowadays.

Oh no i didnt say she’s licensed, she’s just someone who recovered and helps people for the past 20 years i think. She’s experienced.

I think meds just mask the effects if they are extreme, but for me, i dont know if they are extreme. I wouldn’t say that, because sometimes i can handle the thoughts and not pay attention to them. Also i didn’t like the side effects, which could go away in a month but still.

Instead maybe we should lobotomize me and i find peace 🙂

I try to be good and fair and not hurt people because i dont like doing what i dont wanna be done to me, this is a rule i go by. She is great yeah, very giving and loving 🙂
She said she’s gonna visit in May probably (which gets my anxiety and flight mode going haha)

What drug? The SSRI? I am gonna ask the therapist tomorrow on her opinion about brain chemistry.

Her replies were a bit colder/less affectionate (which was a result from her not having much time to text me and being tired from a long day) and my mind instantly felt rejection yeah.

I guess it’s a protection mechanism yeah.. How can we get rid of those?

Well, the night owl goes to sleep hopefully, will post tomorrow night, have a good one anita 🙂