Yes its kinda like that, i was living a flat life and she gave me something to be excited and happy about 🙁

What is hard though, is the emotional amnesia that this thing caused me. When i think back on any relationship/feelings that i’ve had, it’s like a different person experienced those, like im wondering “how did i feel like that??”. I do know consciously that it happened and i experienced it but other than that, nothing, which is very weird.
Hmm, what does it mean by “what am i doing right now” ? Maybe it’s what im already doing sometimes? Trying to tend to her more and actively listen? Sometimes that works.. I dont wanna tell her any more things about my fcked up brain, it just puts weight on her and baggage i think.

You know what’s funny? My mind goes: “no matter that i don’t feel joy/motivation in ANY part of my life and i’m down in general, let’s blame HER and make her a villain to get away from” haha
Also, today i was feeling very indifferent towards her and while texting, she seemed less affectionate, more cold/distant (she was cooking and was very tired), but my brain took it for rejection and “she’s gonna leave us”, so my ears and my head started heating up and i was getting vigilant/alert. Also, she posted a story with her friends and my mind instantly created this sequence: “Her friends will repost, their followers will see her profile (the repost source), they will send her a follow request and they’ll hit on her. Which is totally wrong and without any basis lol. I hate how my mind works

Hey anita

Hmm, i think she was mostly asking out of curiosity and feel some “safety”/control.

Well, my plans was to first meet and spend time together/live together somewhere for a while and then see how things turn out, i couldn’t “promise” her something before even having met, i think that threw me off a little. (also me not telling her that)

Yes i think that at times my feelings come strong but for short bursts and then it’s like a complete 180, which weirds me out.. (yesterday i saw her cute little cards that she sent me for my birthday and i started crying again, idk why). Also today we were talking and it was fun..near the goodnight texts, i felt warmth and i caught myself checking her message again and again and smiling like in the early days 🙂 What i’m lacking is the “ambition”/motive for the future, i think that’s what makes me insecure and not able to fully allow myself.. This or anhedonia.

You are right and i’m aware of that, im trying to change it and also trying to question a lot of my “core beliefs” around this subject (and some other things in life in general). I also catch myself monitoring my feelings constantly, which is something the therapist told me to try and stop gradually because it leads to spirals. For example when i feel good about something with her my mind instantly goes “hey, u felt good, why? what does that mean?” and it starts..

Another thing i realized is that before her, my life was pretty flat and i was finding almost no joy in anything, like a functioning depression/anhedonia of some sorts, i would get up, go to work, hit the gym, meet with friends, some motorcycle riding here and there and that’s all, nothing excited me or gave me purpose, until i started falling for her. It was like my life was full of beauty and colours again, everything boosted, my mood, work, gym, purpose, everything. I would go for rides just to record and upload videos for her to see and that would make me so happy and excited. So after reading @ the other forum (which the therapist told me to stop eventually) i saw posts with people sharing some similar stories, about how the “honeymoon phase” of love was the only thing to penetrate their anhedonia and make it disappear so they would enjoy life again for a while, but then it would subside and confuse them. I wonder if all those connect with attachment styles with in my case or what

Hey anita

Even tho scenarios dont benefit me, i still make them..

I know i should be prioritizing myself as #1 but at this point i cannot understand what’s good for me and why, or how it feels like, it’s very weird.

It was more like this order “i hurt her (which i would hate to do since she’s lovely and doesn’t deserve it) and then she leaves me”, so it’s kinda both, not something more than the other.

So, the scenario i made today is a classic actually: What if i wasn’t ready for the future talk (the moving to another country part) and i got mistakenly “scared” when she brought it up so my mind started seeing her as a “burden” or a “threat”, rather than the loving woman that she was (and still is) to me? It was just a convo but i did feel like she rushed things a bit there, but if that’s the case, how can i “undo” that? Or was it just anhedonia/depression and my mind looks for a scapegoat?

Hey anita

Haha dont worry i wouldnt leave without telling u 🙂

Hmm, it started when i woke up feeling like shit (10-11 november) and especially in the 12th when i felt the repulsion, from then on i started feeling guilty for hurting her/leading her on and responsible, the connection suddenly felt like a “burden” in my mind, rather than enjoyment and i cannot understand why 🙁

I like emojis too (it’s also our “inside game” with the girl 🙂 ) so dont worry i dont judge anything haha

Yes i have been very guiltful 🙁

Another thing, why were my feelings/fantasies would last for a minute and then vanish in january? What is this?

Hey anita

Today i feel like shit, my body feels drained and exhausted, my mind too. I am noticing those things.

Yes exactly this, i analyze and search for reasons and stuff.

I am trying this but doesnt seem to help..

Today i was talking with a friend and i realized something.. When i woke up like this in November, i was feeling like i need something, could be space and time to myself.. (idk why since i was enjoying our connection very much until the previous night-could also be the onset anhedonia), but i never asked for it till this day. I couldnt ask for it because idk how much its gonna take, i know how she would feel and i would hurt her, so i stayed and stayed and maybe my mind rebelled against her.
My friend told me his example: He woke up some days ago feeling like he wants to be ALONE (he lives with his GF) and he has no mood for his girl. It took him a while to realize and he kept fighting with her because of his bad mood, but as soon as he realized what he needed and communicated it to her, he felt fine again. Perhaps this is what i had to do?

Idk the difference between those.

Oh i didnt know such a procedure existed. Maybe we have it here too but idk.

I think it could apply but i can’t let go of control