Oh also today, i noticed something. I was out with my friend working on my motorcycle and i was sending her pictures of the process since i know she enjoys it and i do too. But while i was taking breaks from working on my bike (some breaks were unnecessary and i took just to text her back because i was feeling bad i wasn’t replying, even tho she’s never complained), i noticed myself getting more ansy and irritated by her, even tho i was the one that initiated the convo and sent her pictures and all and she’s never complained about me not replying, she’s always so encouraging for me dumping my phone and stop answering her when i’m socializing/working and that makes me even more upset now because i have no excuse to be upset! haha i hope u get what i mean. So the spiral began, i would get more and more thoughts of “u don’t love her, u are leading her on, u will break her heart” and then i feel dysphoria with the breakup thoughts.
I went home, took a shower, we kept texting and i felt better eventually. But even when i laugh with her my mind just notices it and goes “well, did u laugh enough?”, crazy!
Later she told me about a guy replying to a story of hers (the one that left my jaw hanging when i saw her beauty) asking her for information about the place she was at in the photo. My heart started racing and i felt heat in my head again, i expressed my jealousy and we had a small convo about those things and how he’s not just “asking for info” and she acknowledged it and comforted me. She said “u are the only thing i want”, and as soon as i read that i thought “she’s so amazing and loves me so much, why am i not feeling elated? Shouldn’t i be feeling cloud9?” which was again, the same thought pattern i had back in november when i read her poem and something inside me shook and started noticing myself and my feelings for the first time ever what a coincidence huh? Also rings a bell with my father expressing his love towards me and i can’t feel anything? But the latter could be because of the years of violence i witnessed between him and my mother so i disconnected from them both.

Hey anita

I think it’s love yes,even tho i dont have anything to compare it to, when i was texting her those things i was crying and i was feeling like i wanna hug her tightly and not let go, but i was willing to let her go even tho it would hurt me deeply, if it means she will be better off. I break down in tears even writing this here. I feel like i would always want to be there for, support her and have my arms open whenever she needs it.

How would i find this version and calm it? It feels surreal.

Yes i was very attached to him, i remember missing him a lot, running to hug him when he would return from trips, staying up at night waiting for him sometimes, hug him, sleep with him, i have some fragments of even me wanting to shower with him so we would play with water. He would take me to rides with our bicycles, teach me how to drive when i was 6 years old, teach me about gardening, taking me to football practices, swimming, basically almost every skill i have today, he taught me.

It feels like, i am crying, a part of me opens up (most likely the feeling part) and something comes that shuts it down and makes me feel as if it never happened.. Is this burnout and exhaustion or something else, i wonder..

I know what u mean and that hurt her deeply, i regret it so much, that’s how she felt too. But i didnt mean it in that way. I told yesterday that if anyone asked me if id want to spend my days with her i would instantly say yes. But since we practically dont know each other almost at all, i dont wanna say big words and then seem like a liar if things dont work out. I explained to her again that she’s all i want and i wouldn’t trade her for anyone but i dont wanna feel like im leading her on by telling her “together forever” and stuff. I like taking things more logical.. And tbh anita, i feel like i love her so much, im terrified of losing her but i still can’t make any future plans, not just with her, but with myself even. I can’t even get up and clean my house some days, how can i promise her such big words? I told her that i am so honest with her out of respect and love i have for her. She said she understands where im coming from but she still got hurt because she felt like an option until i find the one and i wanted to hug her so much at that moment.. Yesterday i told her a bit about rocd and my mind BS. The 0-100, how i feel nostalgic for our magical beginning. She said that this causes her even more insecurities because she thinks that at anytime i will leave her to find someone else to experience the beginning.. I corrected her that i long for OUR beginning, not just any random girl,otherwise i would be long gone trying to find it and i also wouldn’t trade what we have now, even with the difficulties, for our beginning..

Today i woke up feeling such a big void in my heart, nostalgic about how i could be so expressive and fully in love with her, dream about our future.. Then i checked what i have saved for her on instagram and i cried, felt like texting her “i love u so much”.. After, she uploaded a story of herself somewhere and i was stunned, thinking “wow, how pretty, she’s amazing.. why am i losing this girl and i can’t hold on to her??” i feel trapped 🙁

Yeah anita, i’ve read about those too. I think my depression is induced by my thoughts, no? My thoughts burnt me out and made me anhedonic/depressed. But i am not sure yet..which one started first. They say wellbutrin which raises dopamine, will make the thoughts even stronger, thats why they suggest SSRI, not SNRI. But my mind is like “its not a brain problem it’s because u dont love her”
Even tho today she was expressing to me how my different view of relationships shattered her romance (like she did to me in november) because i sound too cynic and she was hurt. Then she told me that the best for her is to leave me because i told her i am dragging her down with me and i started crying. I told her “i know i am hurting you by being like this baby and u dont deserve it, u only deserve the best and if that means we won’t be together, so be it” and i cried and cried. Then my crying suddenly stopped and it was as if it didnt happen. I got confused..
She said she doesnt want to leave me and thinking about it causes her panic attacks but she doesn’t know what else to do. I told her that i love her no matter what she chooses and i’ll always be there for her.

The thing is, she didnt leave (or didnt do it yet), we still texting but she’s cold and closed off, i don’t feel like calling her sweet names now, after the intense moment passed (when i was crying). It’s like i have two sides inside of me, one that loves her and shows her emotions and one that stops all that.. Wow so weird, what does copilot say about this anita?

Hey anita

Haha we should keep it in mind when we reach the 100th page!

Yeah we both are and every time she’s close to booking tickets, something happens that cancels that. What do u mean by planning ahead?

I think i relate to the dorsal vagal shutdown so much, this is how ive been feeling for months now, i think since november actually. I know u cant lift me out of this, noone can but thank you for your replies 🙂

Should i talk with the psychiatrist again and maybe ask for different meds or start the SSRI (escitalopram) again? And just ride out the numbness it causes? because people say that it usually goes away after week 4..

Hey anita, been a while 🙂

I dont know if it’s this black & white because everyone experiences love and feelings different so..

Maybe i was the same as u? I dont have a clue.

I think i understand this now, being vulnerable, open to get hurt, maybe this is true..

Today is a really hard day for me..
Two days ago we were discussing her flight tickets/hotel/etc, everything was fine..Yesterday she told me that she feels her avoidant side coming up and that it’s making her uneasy and wanting to bolt. I asked her if i did something that triggered it, she said no, it’s just there but she will push through it. I told her that maybe it’s because the idea of her coming to me now is getting more real and now her defenses kick in, she said she doesn’t know but she really wants to come. Then a whole conversation that didnt go well happened. She told me that she doesn’t feel “safe” with me because she feels uncertainty, since the last time we talked about it (1 month ago), the goals and everything. Again, i told her that i am a day-to-day guy, wanting to experience us together first and after a while i can visualize something more far into the future (that’s also a defense mechanism for me i think) and out of respect and love for her, i dont wanna lie and feed her “together forever” bullshit, i am keeping it real. She said that this wasn’t the problem, her issue is my words. The last time we were talking about those things i told her something along the lines “ofc i wanna build a life with the girl i am gonna be with” and this landed hard on her. She felt like i am just passing my time with her until i find someone better and i don’t visualize a future with her, which isn’t the case. It was a misunderstanding and i explained to her that i don’t wanna tell her that she’s the girl of my life after only knowing her for 3 days, that would be delusional and i don’t believe in fairytales such as “i knew i would be with them since the moment i met them” holywood crap and i didn’t want to feel like a clown to her if things didn’t work out. I told her that she has all the qualities i want in a girlfriend and ofc i would want her in my future but her assumptions of our last convos were deeply rooted in her head. She felt hurt, i did too and i felt a lot of avoidance and deactivation to her. We just said goodnight and left it at that.
But today i am in deep shit. I work mindlessly, autopilot. I don’t feel good any moment of the day and i feel like i can’t stay at home either. Nothing makes sense, nothing gives me joy and she’s all i can think of. I cried 3 times thinking about her today and it instantly stopped a minute after. There were moments where i felt like i wanna tell her “i love u so much” and i would tear up but then something was stopping it and it felt “foreign” after that moment. It’s really shit. I think that every time she’s close to booking tickets to visit me, some bad convo starts and then says “im not feeling it” and backs off. I told her that i noticed this pattern but she refused.

I think my situation goes beyond “relationship issue” and it has always been a burnout/depressive episode (since november), but my mind turned on my relationship with her because it was the most important thing in my life and it required energy/effort which i lacked, i was mortified in the thought of losing her, the best thing ever happened to me, my sweet baby girl. But now i can’t even feel scared, just remnants of sadness here and there 🙁
Nothing gives me joy or fulfillment, i feel like a zombie walking around, doing things automatically (thats how ive been feeling since november, thats why i think it doesnt have to do with the relationship, but my mind has to blame something). And the childhood dreams with abandonment came because i was so afraid i would lose her, i believe.
I read something about dorsal vagal shutdown, have u seen anything about it, anita?