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ConfusedParticipantHey anita, i imagine of that day too..
I had thought about all this and i talked to the previous therapist about some of those but she had told me that it’s not because of that. Also, since we’ve started talking about the visit and starting checking for places to stay (like a week before my shutdown), every night before i sleep, i would think of my fear of planes/flying and i would get anxious/panicked before i sleep thinking about the flight, i remember this was bothering me a lot but idk..
Now, she sent me many beautiful and heart-warming wishes for my b-day yesterday, she also sent me a package gift. Damn, i cannot get excited at all for neither! (i had always been like that with everyone though my whole life, but i didnt want it be like that with her too)
I cried reading at her wishes, she is such an amazing, kind and loving soul.. why did that have to happen to me with her out of all people? Damn i feel so bad 🙁ConfusedParticipantHey anita!
Well today has not been good, it stopped working but i am trying to work through it 🙁
Sadly yes, it does fit very well, i tried to explain it to her a little bit but its a tough topic to bring up. And today i did analyze a lot 🙁
ConfusedParticipantI am trying to do just that in the past two days and i think its kinda working?
Feels weird tho to do everything without feelings
ConfusedParticipantYeah when i told her about that convo and how her words sounded at that time she said “well ofc i would consider moving to greece, i wouldn’t let u take the whole weight by yourself” but that didn’t do anything for me at the time, maybe i was still triggered.
Well marriage isn’t in our priorities, idk about children. Personally im not a big fan but my father disagrees hahaBefore all this? I was over the moon in the idea of her moving here, but that was a premature fantasy of mine, now i feel numb. I mean, i suppose we would have a great time and do things, but nothing gives me joy unfortunately now 🙁
ConfusedParticipantYes i am trying to break it these days by not paying too much attention and focusing on other things. But when i do that i feel like i will forget about her and its so weird! Ive never been in this position before 🙁
Haha i havent thought about it like that anita, but if that was the case, i would be fine after she told me that she will consider moving to me. I dont really care about marriage, her neither.
Happy easter to you too 🙂
ConfusedParticipantHey anita
I really dont remember being connected to her, its weird..
Haha i had this thing where i would wanna answer and help everyone too, now not so much.
Today was pretty calmer, my thoughts were like at 40% intensity instead of 150%. I was out for coffee with some friends and i was still thinking in the back of my head “do i like her? why am i not missing her? am i feeling enough? if she messaged me right now would i feel annoyed or not?”.
She did message me later asking me how my day was, when i saw the notification my stomach dropped for some reason, but i think i smiled a little, but i cant trust anything haha. It’s like my head has turned this amazing woman into a “problem to be solved” otherwise i can’t move on with my life. It’s like i refuse to do anything if my feelings don’t return, which is so annoying and unfair 🙁ConfusedParticipantSome people say they help but i guess it’s just a blanket to do the work easier.
Yeah i do, chatgpt is not too helpful, gemini is better but nothing satisfies my obsessive search, i have to stop it 🙁
If i judge from the dreams i saw 2 months ago, i was like 8-10 when violent fights would occur in the house on a daily, me running to my room covering my ears.
I dont know anita, i never felt connected to any of my parents after a certain age, definitely not to my mother.
It’s still hard for me to correlate my parents to my love life..
ConfusedParticipantI am having plenty of those with AI dont worry 🙂
Is it dissociation? I thought it’s normal because i have it my whole life i think?? But i just noticed
I might have been dissociated since adolescence then..
Idk, now i guess i try to keep going? I think i dont want meds..
ConfusedParticipantHey anita
2. It’s more like i remember the events but without the emotions in them. Like it happened but i can’t recall the feelings. Same thing happens now with Y (the girl)
Thank you for the time u take to ask all those to AI and then write them here 🙂
I did not contact him, in fact i ghosted him because i stopped the meds and i didn’t want to tell him that i quit again, was afraid of his answer haha
ConfusedParticipantHey anita
Yes it was something like that if i remember correctly, i felt “awkward” or shameful for my bids for connection, so i pulled back for good.
I am not quite sure of the poem but those were indeed thoughts that crossed my mind, i felt like something inside of me shook. I dont know if that caused things though, its tough to figure this one out.. She had been showing constant affection since july so why did it not happen sooner? And i did show affection and care towards her, but not quickly, i had to first see if she’s receptive of that, then i went all-in.
3) I think it might have been emotional burnout for me, since i had all those except the reciprocation, she was reciprocating a lot.
Hmm it wouldn’t be surprising but its very hard for me to connect my past to my present still and i dont know why!
Today at work i was constantly thinking of her. I cried again thinking the day we parted at the airport, when i left her and went to the gate i teared up but i didnt show it to her. Then i thought “what if this was the last time i saw her” and tears instantly ran down my face, i managed to imagine me holding her face and kissing her but all those lasted for like a minute, then i felt them fading in my chest, like a storm going away..and the negative thoughts came again (do i really want her? am i staying out of guilt? were those tears real or just guilt?, if they were true why dont they stay for longer, etc etc, followed by discomfort in the thought of texting her).
I think i might be depressed AF also, because i am not hungry or thirsty, i dont feel sleepy and when i wake up i find it hard to get out of bed and do anything. So i might be wrong to blame this whole thing onto her 🙁
ConfusedParticipantdamn its so hard waking up, i instantly think of her, even thinking of her in my dreams, how much in love i feel, if at all.. I get this pit in my stomach.. its been 4 months since the last time i saw her and i cant recall the feelings i would get when i hugged her/kissed her, i just remember it was amazing and i couldnt stop, but its just memories disconnected from actual feelings 🙁
ConfusedParticipantI think our main problem is money/time and now the stressors that i added 🙁
I feel like even if we are not together and in contact, i will still care for her deeply and i’ll be sending her cards/gifts at times, she’s so cute when she’s excited with all those little things 🙂
I also think that i need space to miss her. I never thought this would be possible for me but here we are..
ConfusedParticipantIts a sleepless night/morning for me haha
Yes i felt it precious and special too. She’s the girl i’ve cared about the most and the deepest.Never cried more than for her 🙁
Hmm, tbh i wasnt planning on anything for starters, i wanted to meet and see how we click, then meet again, have some holidays together and if everything went smoothly, we would see how we could do it in the next year, that was my original plan, but her convo and replies (which my brain took as negative) scared me i think.
Before all this, i would love nothing more than to spend days with her and live in the same house, but after my shutdown i lost my motives/feelings.
I think she definitely is afraid, idk about me, i think im a bit scared too haha.
ConfusedParticipantOr maybe u meant i should have met her sooner?
ConfusedParticipantYes i do think that’s an extreme but its difficult for me to soften it.
You mean that it was not real? Or that it burned me out? But i did meet her.
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