Same goes for you anita! 🙂

I hope i get there someday and live my dreams as i imagined them 🙁

Oh i think it wasn’t that hot today here, it was bearable! My least favorite weather is definitely summer because of bugs and because i sweat easily so i feel disgusted with myself haha, i think i prefer spring, flowers blooming and 20 degrees celsius, what about you? 🙂

Hey anita

I wouldn’t be able to feel it/care about it right now..

No no i asked gemini about this and it basically told me that if u cant find the inner child it usually lies within the things u tell others (like the one i said).

Yeah, i dont remember feeling love or attachment to anyone except romantic relationships actually. (we’ve known each other for 1.5 years, started having feelings for her a year ago, April 2025)

No no i don’t think that’s the case. She did bring color into my life but it’s not like i wasn’t enjoying life before her. Or that i just happened to project my desires on her. I like her for legit things, character traits, loving and caring personality, humor, intelligence, wittiness and many more, it wasn’t a blind “ok i want her now”, i was falling gradually while getting to know her.
I know she’s not the cure, i am not looking for her to cure me, i just want my old self back, the one that could feel romantic things with her, who could dream things, be excited to share my life with her, the prior to november confused. Because right now i dont feel like myself at all.
I think the panic i was feeling was because i would lose her specifically, since a month or two ago, imagining the future without her was bringing me bad feelings.

Hey anita, i read both your replies.

I think she made it public because she tagged her siblings and if they want to repost the stories, ppl that don’t follow her (their friends) will not be able to see the stories, it will be just a black error-screen so i figured she made it for this reason.But still my mind spiraled.

U are right that this fear predates her but i guess now it is activated by her.

Reading that leaving her will be healthier/better for me doesn’t feel good, it makes me feel uneasy/wrong. I don’t think i wanna leave her, i had dreams with her, i felt like i finally found the girl that i was dreaming of, do things together, be my romantic self without being judged, being loved and cared for and so many more things 🙁 I don’t wanna blow it all and hurt her deeply because i am triggered or burnt out. I wanna fight and figure this out. If i fell for her once, why wouldn’t i be able to do it again? If i get better and actually want to leave, i think that’s the best time to make that decision. But like i said in the past, if i leave her, i dont wanna deal with relationships ever again. I will stop working on my traumas since i wont care, no motivation will be left for me, i would be done with romance. It’s not like i want to be with someone else, i am not interested in other girls, i really felt like i found what i wanted but i can’t experience it right now with all this 🙁

I tried what copilot’s saying now and i’ve tried in the past again, but nothing comes up.

Yes and that happened now too! A friend of mine told me that while searching for someone he saw my girl’s profile on instagram being public (she had it private a day or two ago) and as soon as i heard that my stomach clenched. I started wondering why would she do that? She posted a story with her siblings and tagged them today and my mind says “maybe she did it to attract men from her siblings profiles”, but then the feeling vanished and i was like “why did i get that feeling?”

But i never had this issue again in the past, idk what’s up now.

Idk, i dont really feel like i don’t put myself first, i mean, what do i not do that i need?

Oh anita, why would i not feel absolute joy and contentment having such an amazing girl loving me and being so caring to me.She’s such a sweetheart and i wanted nothing else than to kiss her all over her pretty face before this happened 🙁

Actually in december too, while holding her i would hug her so tight and kiss her hands, forehead, lips, eyes, etc and i would feel like shouting from excitement! (while my mind was telling me “u are fooling her, u will leave her” “u are faking it”)
Now it’s like none of this matters, i can’t imagine anything romantic or feel it, like this self of mine has gone dark.. only void and vanity remains.

Thank you anita

Hmm yeah you are right, we said that again and yes, this was the first one to move me like that.. but u know i can’t even remember that right now, everything is so long ago or my brain has just disconnected me 🙁

Today i feel very bad, so disconnected from everything and everyone, i can’t enjoy anything, can’t focus on anything, feel empty and alone in my house and idk what’s the problem. All i know is i can’t stop thinking of her, from the minute i wake up. I constantly look in the past and try to find what changed or reminisce about how good i used to feel. I know that’s a compulsion/rumination but its hard to stop.
Hours ago i was thinking about her and i was like “what? who is this girl even? why am i so obsessed with her?” not like i don’t “know” who she is, but it’s something different i can’t explain it.

Hey anita

You are right, i can’t be sure of anything ever again. Whenever i feel/do something the doubts & questions arise, that’s the OCD i think..

Therapist also said she thinks i have an inner judge that has some high requirements/standards about love, relationships, how i should be feeling, etc and comes online right after i feel something. But that has never happened again in the past.. She said it could be because my previous relationships were mostly superficial and this one requires foundations. I literally have no clue