Also, sometimes when i look at my phone, it’s visual changes, i see it and the letters more narrow and tall, so weird.

Sorry for adding so many details, might be boring but sometimes i do it to see how my mind works and maybe others can find those blueprints in the future haha.

Hey anita

Hmm, u might be right on the chemical part but i think that no matter the chemicals, if i don’t work on my mental compulsions and stuff, idk if it’s gonna go away.

Yes but i feel sorrow/sadness 8/10 times and 2/10 its maybe warm feelings, but mostly void (or isnt it void?) and that makes me loop and spiral again..

Today i was talking with a female friend of mine that is in a 5 years relationship with a close friend of mine and she instantly said: “why does this look like to me, that u’re sabotaging ur own happiness by poisoning it with never-ending thoughts and worries? could that be a defense mechanism?” and it amazed me how fast she picked up on that. She said ofc i love ur friend to death but i don’t feel it all the time constantly and i dont MISS him all the time. I just feel lucky to have found a wonderful man (like u’ve found a very good woman) and i feel warmth/safety next to him, sometimes maybe a bit of intensity but mostly those two, but that’s normal.

For example, i explained to her my today’s loop: I woke up (ofc checking my feelings instantly), saw that she posted a photo of herself in a mirror, i said to myself: She’s gorgeous, but why am i not feeling crazy about it? Must be a sign that i don’t want her. Why am i not getting aroused by looking at her? Must be that i dont really want her. (sorry for being graphic) Why don’t i feel JEALOUS for her posting this and other guys seeing it? Must be that i dont really want her and she doesnt mean much to me. Meanwhile, maybe it’s a sign that i feel comfortable in this relationship and i am only used to chaos/highs. But then while we were out for coffee, i would keep checking my feelings for her, like a process that runs in the back of my mind 24/7. Crazy stuff!

Hey anita

I read your last post from Copilot now, it was my biggest fear indeed, but i think now i’ve become immune to it by how many times it almost happened or i imagined it in my head to “feel” something for reassurance. Idk how i am gonna feel if it does happen for real tho.

It’s also true that with her i felt comfortable sharing all my romance, things i’ve never did to any other girl and loving actions/words because at last i found someone that’s worth all that and will not cringe at me.

About 1-2-3, before november, if i’d sense distance from her, i would try and fawn in the beginning to win her back, but now the moment i sense distance i am so eager to leave.

Idk if that’s emotional numbness towards her or to everyone 🙁 I think it’s towards everything though, but my mind is somehow conviced that “SHE IS THE REASON”, lol.

As for the last part, hell yes! I think that if it doesn’t feel intense/dopamine filled, i can’t pay any attention to it. I do mirror her but i am not doing it on purpose and i’m trying to stop it. For example yesterday, she was colder and more closed off but i managed to “act lovingly” and she slowly opened up again, even tho my body was fuming and wanting to get away.

I don’t know anita i really can’t understand.. It’s like i can’t let her go for some reason, sometimes my future doesn’t “make sense” without her, but some other times i feel like i can’t care. But my main problem is the lack of motivation/drive/passion to meet her.. Maybe it’s because we haven’t spent much time together and we didn’t bond properly yet.

Thank you for your time posting all these 🙂

Btw i read people on Bupropion cured their anhedonia.

Hey anita

I read both ur posts and i have to say i am in awe with what Copilot said about those few things i described,wow! I am also in tears again with all those, as well as with the girl. She said that her friends told her harsh things about us and created many insecurities in her head, now she’s sad and kinda pulls away but she said “im the only one knowing how i feel inside” and i cried a lot, i wanted to hold her in my arms and reassure her 🙁

About copilot’s messages, i dont think i can reply to each seperately but i will try my best to summarize.
It’s not that i only valued intensity, but i think if there was no “burning desire”, i can’t recognize it. (maybe that’s the same thing?)

I am really confused (as my name suggests) in regards to the feelings, what’s real and what’s not, what’s intensity/infatuation.. I dont remember being with any girl without infatuation.

Those intrusive thoughts were exactly what i had! All those sentences and more..and yes i couldn’t stop kissing her and i was hugging her so tightly, i couldnt get enough of her!

I remember in the beginning of what happened i couldn’t even form sentences properly with my friend, it was hard, i felt like my batteries were at 1%..

I could feel it physically, my feelings going away..whenever i would think/fantasize of something good with her, it would soon after vanish and i couldn’t access it again..

But it doesnt feel like a shift/change, it feels real, like my feelings of being in love are gone.

As for the final message, it could be true, the panic, the transition..its all so messy!

Yes i could feel like logically “i want her” but i couldn’t feel it/connect with it emotionally. Its not like that now though, it feels like it’s gone after those days.

I am very triggered now by her because she’s also triggered by her friends words about us and she feels like avoiding,so i feel it back, damn!

Btw now she told me that she’s gonna visit me soon and my mind instantly went: “We will be awkward, we will be bored, we will not have a nice time and we’ll be looking forward to seperate” and i felt really bad, like i don’t want her to come because my mind “predicts” all those things.. Damn it’s so hard!

Sometimes i think of her, of what we have, of me and i feel like it’s not “real”, idk how to describe it, it feels “imaginary/fake” or something.. Wtf is this?

But why did it end so violently and suddenly (november/repulsion & avoidance) 🙁

Also like i said, people usually miss others, maybe im not normal or i can’t “miss” her because she’s in my mind 24/7?

Another thing, shouldn’t i feel terrified in the thought of losing her?