Yes i’ve always been hypervigilant in almost every area of my life, even when driving i will think ahead that maybe an accident is gonna happen to me. I always thought it was low confidence or something..

I think that’s exactly what happened to me in November, waking up flat, panicking and then burnt-out by obsessing and also hiding stuff from her because how can u tell ur person that u can’t even type a whole sentence? that u forget words within seconds and u can’t give them yesterday’s energy? Especially in our case which was so delicate.. I will never disappear, even if we split i want to always be there for her because she’s a great person and she deserves it, she is always so loving and kind to me 🙂
Yes it surprised me too that i didn’t feel triggered to bolt, i guess it’s because i know what she’s going through and i am not the one to abandon.

Hmm how did u go through it anita? Did u feel things or felt differently?

I just want to feel like before with her, to enjoy our connection without all this numbness, anxiety, overthinking etc. 🙁
Also now i can’t feel sadness or cry with her gifts and her chocolates and that worries me.. Maybe it’s because we’re good and i dont “have to” ?

Something else that i might have told u again tho, i’ve never missed anyone in my life and sometimes i think that i am incapable of that, except if someone offers me something..

Hey 👋 Confused:

I think that you’re a decent person, caring, consciountious, “not the one to abandon”-

Even when your feelings abandon you, you’re not the 1 2 abandon.

I suppose character stays, feeling or not. And it something you don’t lose. Something to relax into, something that defines you, something you can trust 🙂

How was shutdown for me? I’ll answer with whatever comes to mind:

It wasn’t peaceful. Lots of stress in it, lots of disquiet, unrest following the moment of NOTHING.

Not a successful long term strategy.

The brain sort of dancing, but not a pleasant dance, more like freaking out.

Afraid of feeling, yet feeling too much of the ” wrong” kind of feelings: that angst, that distress, that.. oh boy, can I have a new 🧠 please, a brand new brain, please 🙏🙏🙏

This is my reply. How does it compare to Copilt’s, Confused?

✨️🌿✨️ Anita

Hey anita

The other AIs say that too but in the past 2-3 days i feel so indifferent and i don’t like it.. maybe it’s the numbness u are describing because of the constant alert-scanning-obsessing for months on end.

Yes i am trying to stick it out because of how amazing i used to feel and because she’s a sweetheart that i know, logically, i would like to have, it’s hard but im trying 🙂

I think i am pretty much the same as you in the shutdown department, tons of stress, uneasiness, dysphoria and mind being 200% active even when i sleep. Your reply is pretty much copilot’s one without so much analysis.

Conscientious is the right word yeah, i had forgotten how to type it too haha.

Thank your the responses from copilot anita 🙂

Hey anita

Hmm u mean even before November? could be yeah..

Haha that’s also what my therapist was saying yesterday. I was telling her about my somatic reactions (to the post, her superior hitting on her, etc) and she basically said that the feeling IS there, but i “choose” not to acknowledge it because it’s not the extreme infatuation or the other extreme, fear of loss/rejection, so it goes unnoticed by my mind and i should try to accept the middle grounds because even herself (she used herself as an example), said: Now i think about my boyfriend leaving me, which i love so much, and i can’t feel anything because the situation is not right/fitting, we can’t “order” feelings, they come when the time is right or if the situation demands it.

I feel good knowing that someone understands me because i definitely don’t haha.

Yesterday i was feeling much better, texting with her was so much fun and i even felt some warmth and loving feelings (i think?? what is love?)

What bothers me is this:
Almost a year ago when i would be falling for her i would see in her all i wanted in a girlfriend. She’s sweet, kind, loving, caring, smart, great sense of humour, communicates, shares deep feelings, she’s damn pretty, i love her eyes, her smile, her voice, her hair, her neck, damn even her hands/feet look great to me (things i would never pay attention to in previous girls). She was lighting candles and praying for me to be safe, even got me a guardian bell for the motorcycle. I would say to myself, “wow, how did i find this gem”, i wanna share my life with her, be there for her, hold her in my arms when she shares her deepest vulnerabilities and insecurities with me, have her in my arms until she falls asleep and then wake up kissing her warm lips, hugging her warm body, go on trips with her, surprise her at work, bring her coffee/food, pick her up and go on small trips without her knowing.
All the above were things i would think about constantly until November and i would feel so good, so hopeful and happy. But now nothing gets through to me, nothing “touches” me, none of the above. I can still see she’s pretty and a great person but nothing moves me, i am unfazed. It’s like this part of is gone.. and it’s not like i wanna experience it with another girl, no. It’s like my whole “romantic identity”, me being a “boyfriend” is vanished. And i can’t fathom because this is who i used to be my whole life, i was dreaming of finding a girl like her that likes so many things that i like and have all those qualities.. 🙁

Hey 👋 “Have No Clue” Confused:

I just sent you a perfect reply, so I thought and it didn’t get recorded. I’ll try to rewrite it:

Yes, the effects of childhood trauma, i.e., Complex Trauma (such as yours, mine, and millions of people all over the world) appear in childhood- so, yes, way before Nov of last year.

Your therapist used the words ” middle grounds” ✔️ which is, seems to me, the same as the “middle way”- the place in- between extremes.

I 😊ed as I read your ha-ha joke.

It crossed my mind as I read the rest of your 2 posts, that part of you (whom your therapist referred to as the “judge”, and whom I and Copilot referred to as your “protector”) is giving you such a difficult time 😔

It’s like it figures that if you ABANDON your feelings for her, it won’t hurt you when (if) she ABANDONS you.

It’s that, and the unrealistic expectation of a never- ending emotional high, which reminds me of how the fairytales I grew up with ended:

“And they lived happily ever after”.

Do you believe in fairytales, Confused?

✨️🌙✨️ Anita

Hey Confused (using computer):

“How can I know if it’s this for sure?”- this is the toughest part. Nothing of what we talked about for five months sticks because there’s always doubt. Doubt about the most basic things: everything is liquid, everything is in question.

Am I wrong? Is there anything you are SURE about?

I think that this is key, I mean: is there anything at all that you don’t doubt?

Anita

Good Morning Can’t-Be-Sure-Of-Anything Confused:

What’s below is new to me (I had no idea!)

Copilot: “When a child is raised around unpredictability, emotional volatility, or inconsistent responses, the nervous system learns that certainty is dangerous and that the safest position is to keep doubting. Doubt becomes a survival strategy.

The nervous system learns that confidence gets punished, having a stable opinion or feeling can trigger an explosion, being “sure” makes you visible, and visibility is unsafe. So, the child’s body learns a survival stance: “Don’t commit. Don’t settle. Don’t trust your perception. Keep everything open and fluid so you can adapt instantly.” This is protective doubt.

Concrete examples of protective doubt in a violent, invalidating home: 1. A child feels angry because a parent broke a promise. If the child says, “You said you’d come,” the parent explodes. So, the child learns: “Maybe I’m wrong.” “Maybe I misunderstood.” This doubt protects them from provoking the parent’s rage.

2. The parent denies something obvious (“I didn’t yell,” “You’re imagining things”). If the child insists on the truth, the parent escalates. So, the child learns: “Maybe I misheard.” “Maybe I’m too sensitive.” “Maybe it’s my fault.” Doubting their own perception keeps them from challenging the parent — which keeps them safer.

3. The parent’s mood changes unpredictably. If the child assumes “everything is fine,” they get blindsided. So, the child learns: “Don’t trust calm moments.” “Stay alert.” “Something might happen.” Doubt keeps them prepared…

The simplest way to say it- In a violent or invalidating home: Certainty = danger. Doubt = safety. Doubt keeps the child small, quiet, flexible, and unthreatening — which reduces the risk of triggering the parent. This is why protective doubt forms…

When a child grows up with a mother whose reactions are unpredictable — warm one moment, angry the next, loving today, rejecting tomorrow — the child’s nervous system learns that certainty is unsafe. If the child is sure of what they feel (“I’m happy,” “I’m scared,” “I want this”), that certainty can be shattered instantly by the mother’s sudden shift. So, the child begins to doubt their own experience as a way to stay safe: “Maybe I’m wrong… maybe I shouldn’t say anything… maybe I shouldn’t feel this.”

PROTECTIVE DOUBT is the kind of doubt a child develops when their mother’s reactions are unpredictable, volatile, or emotionally unsafe. The child learns that being sure of anything — a feeling, a memory, a preference, a boundary — can lead to punishment, ridicule, or sudden anger. So, the nervous system creates a reflexive habit of questioning everything: “Maybe I’m wrong… maybe I shouldn’t say this… maybe I shouldn’t feel this.” This doubt keeps the child flexible, quiet, and less likely to provoke danger. It is not a personality trait; it is a survival strategy. In this sense, protective doubt is doubt as safety — a way for the child to stay small and avoid triggering the parent’s instability.

LEARNED DOUBT is what happens when that childhood survival strategy becomes automatic in adulthood. Even when the environment is no longer dangerous, the nervous system keeps using the same pattern because it was never taught anything else. The adult now doubts their feelings, decisions, perceptions, and relationships — not because the present is unsafe, but because the body still operates from the old rule: “Certainty leads to pain.” This is why adults who grew up with unpredictable caregivers often feel like nothing “sticks,” nothing feels solid, and everything is open to question. Learned doubt is simply protective doubt carried forward — a reflex that outlived the danger it was designed to manage.”

What says Confused?

Anita

Hey 👋 Confused:

I am sorry that you’re feeling more numb than ever today, dysphoria and like a burden 😔

One of the questions you asked was “Why now?”- I think that you answered it previously, didn’t you? You said that she’s (I am paraphrasing) the best thing that happened to you, so kind, so attentive, so wonderful, the best girlfriend (although LD) you ever had, and that right before Nov the two of you talked about making a life together, moving to her country, living with her irl.

So, all that 1st time in a lifetime was a sort of shock to your system?

✨️ Anita