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10 Steps to Create Lasting Change in Your Life

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“Our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as being able to remake ourselves.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

From time to time I read my old journals. When the moment strikes me, I choose a journal at random from my bookshelf.

This time it was the beautiful green and gold one my mom had given me in what must have been September of 2010, because the writing chronicles my life from September 20, 2010 to January 1, 2011.

Basically, it is my perceptive exactly two years ago.

I had just started my second year of grad …

Free Yourself From Emotional Debt: Move Beyond Pain from the Past

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“He who is brave is free.” ~Seneca

We all know what debt is. Some of us, most of us, still have a few we’re paying off.

Student loans, car payments, mortgages.

But what about the unseen debts, debts that are invisible to the naked eye but instead live within our hearts?

There are many invisible debts we pay—debts that are alive within us from the past: The father who walked out when we were little, whose approval we’re still seeking. The mother who was over critical, so we overwork ourselves to prove that we’re good enough. The time someone humiliated …

Envy Can Teach You Why You’re Dissatisfied with Yourself

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“To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is: a dissatisfaction with self.” ~Joan Didion

For a few years in the late 90s, I had a date with the green-eyed monster every other Monday at 6:00 PM on the dot.

That was when my women artists support group met in my friend Anne’s studio.

For those three hours, like clockwork, the envy monster took over my body, mind, and spirit.

Oh, how I wanted a studio like Anne’s! Wide open space for her to paint, high ceilings, natural light through clerestory windows, a small office for her computer …

Share Your Vulnerable Story: Find Strength by Letting Others In

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“Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene

In February of 2011, I went to see my doctor because I was suffering from severe headaches that I figured were associated with using computers all day at my law job. After having a few tests, the doctor said that I wasn’t doing well and he suggested that I take a leave from work to focus on my health.

The next few months, I found myself in and out of doctors’ offices, medical labs, and hospitals on a weekly basis. With …

Transform Your Life by Loving Yourself in Action

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“Your actions are your only true belongings.” ~Allan Lokos

I used to be the kind of girl who relished stable and perfect surroundings. I fanned my magazines. I scrubbed the inside of the refrigerator.

I worked tirelessly to cultivate the external environment that I was lacking inside.

Externally, things were in order. The bills were paid. The laundry was folded.

Internally, I was a voracious black hole of yearning.

I consumed everything that was closest to me—food, love, validation—in an attempt to fill the void that I experienced on a daily basis. That feeling of not being enough, of …

How We Appreciate Life More When We Stop Making Assumptions

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“Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.” ~Marianne Williamson

Our 12th floor apartment overlooks Cape Town’s city bowl and harbor. The view is such that even on overcast days I’m drawn to the window each morning to breathe it in.

There’s a sense of being both a part of the world and entirely removed from it when you’re that high up.

It’s how I move through my life too; I’m either immersed in it or off on my own. This contrary nature is not without its challenges, especially …

7 Powerful Realizations That Will Help You Suffer Less

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“More important than the quest for certainty is the quest for clarity.” ~Francois Gautier

Pain was my norm; not physical pain, but emotional pain compounded with mental self-torture. I was an introvert without introspection, painfully shy and unable to make eye contact. I caved to all manners of peer pressure.

I was a doormat and didn’t stand up for myself, although I would fight tooth and nail for someone else. It seemed like others often took advantage of my kindness. I took everything personally and cried a lot. Thoughts of suicide lasted for years.

After more than a decade of …

We Have to Let Go of Who We Are to Discover Who We Can Become

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“When I let go of who I am, I become what I might be.” ~Lau Tzu

In the spring of last year, a number of events challenged my sense of self and my sense of direction.

In March I realized my tax liability would be much larger than I’d anticipated, effectively depleting my entire savings account. The next month I had my first major surgery, something that terrified me and further burdened me financially.

Less than a month later, while my boyfriend was on a vacation I had to miss because I was recovering, a burglar broke into my apartment…

Why Quitting Is Sometimes the Right Thing to Do

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“Celebrate endings, for they precede new beginnings.” ~Jonathan Lockwood Huie

We often think of quitting as failure. We commend people for carrying on when times get rough. The heroes in our action movies don’t just give up when things get difficult. When was the last time you saw Steven Seagal walk away from a fight?

As the saying goes, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” Society expects us to fight back and battle on.

But sometimes, quitting is most definitely the right thing to do.

Sometimes, it’s the best option. A lot of people assume that it’s …

When You’re Pretending to Be Fine: 9 Tips to Deal and Heal

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“Our strength grows out of our weaknesses.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I never thought I’d want to kill myself.

All my life, I’d been a strong, independent woman, building a business from home, raising two wonderful sons, and staying happy and positive throughout.

If you’d told me I’d one day consider taking my own life, I’d have laughed and said, “You’ve got me confused with someone else!”

But after twenty years and two sons together, my husband and I decided to split up.

So what? Separation and divorce are commonplace. You just cope with it like everyone else. I was strong, …

Love Your Body, Love Yourself: You Are Not Alone

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“Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy

I hated myself when I was a kid.

I was overweight and starting to really like girls, but they didn’t like me.

I didn’t want to take my shirt off in front of them, so I didn’t go to the pool. And, when my parents made one last ditch effort at their marriage and moved to Coral Springs, Florida when I was in fifth grade—away from my friends and my hometown of Davenport, Iowa—I didn’t go to the beach.

Any …

Create Meaning By Helping Others (Without Doing it for Validation)

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“If you light a lamp for someone else it will also brighten your path.” ~Buddha

Why are you here on this earth? What is your purpose? What are you supposed to be doing with your life? These deep questions burn in all of us. Our souls’ desire is to lead fulfilling lives that have meaning.

My life’s journey has always been linked to helping other people; I just never saw it as serving them. As I have grown to know myself, I have discovered that I have this huge heart that wants the best for myself and for others. …

6 Ways to Live a Life of Passion and Adventure Right Now

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“Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.” ~Denis Waitley

I remember dreaming for years about living abroad. First it was Italy so that I could discover my roots. Then it was Fiji because it seemed like the furthest place from Los Angeles (which I actually did, but only for two months during the summer of 2003).

After Fiji, there was an eight-year gap that was full of college and Corporate America. My daily routine involved waking up early, working all day, and studying …

We Are More Than What We Do: Allowing Our Authentic Nature to Shine

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“The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion. The tunnel is.” ~Unknown

In this society of ours, parents teach their children to do, to perform, to produce. We learn that to be adult, we need to be “productive members of society.” At social gatherings, more often than not, the first question among strangers is “What do you do?”

My first memories include identifying so deeply with my movie director father that when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always replied, “A writer and director.”

Then life happened, and I spent decades …

Relationships Should Complement Our Identities, Not Define Them

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“On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a playful, joyous energy behind what you do.” ~Eckhart Tolle

The first rain after a long draught gets people talking about cozy things. Being with others, being physically close to others, going out in groups, staying in with someone. Sharing affection. Cold weather seems to always entail groups and partnerships.

What about when those groups and partnerships are missing from the tableau? The other night I was sitting in my apartment with my lanterns on, some incense burning, and some good reading material. The rain was …

People Aren’t Always Out to Get Us: The Good Beyond Appearances

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“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” ~Mother Theresa

Last year, I was on the CTA (Chicago’s public transit) heading to class to take an exam. Rather, I should say that I was rushing to class. I wasn’t running late, but I often got caught up in the hustle and bustle of Chicago during morning rush hour.

Something about the “rush hour” energy made me feel a bit anxious; and, although I, along with others, am at the mercy of the CTA with its frequent delays, rarely do riders strike up conversations with fellow passengers.…

3 Reasons to Stop Trying So Hard to Be Positive and Peaceful

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“Freedom is instantaneous the moment we accept things as they are.” ~Karen Maezen Miller

The world is filled with people who work hard at being positive, peaceful, and more spiritual and then feel bad when they don’t measure up. I know because I used to be one of them. And I still am from time to time.

That was before I realized something:

1 It doesn’t work.

2. Spirituality isn’t something you do; it’s something you are, and you are this right now. Just as beneath the chatter of your mind you are already positive and peaceful too.

3. You …

Writing a Letter to Your Future Self: Love Who You’ll Become

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“Tension is who you think you should be.  Relaxation is who you are.” ~Chinese Proverb

Yes, I had reached the age of twenty-five. Still, I doubted this letter from my past would make it to me, all these years later. It was a simple creative writing assignment from when I was fifteen.

The teacher collected our letters to our future ourselves in self-addressed envelopes with stamps and promised to mail them ten years later. But, so much time had passed; would he keep his word? Would he even remember?

Thinking back on the letter, I tried to remember writing …

30 Accomplishments to Be Proud Of

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“Do something now that will make the person you’ll be tomorrow proud.” ~Unknown

A while back someone asked me to list my greatest accomplishments for 2012.

As I racked my brain, I thought of a few professional achievements that made me feel proud, but as for the top accomplishment, I kept coming back to the same thing: my sister’s wedding.

I wasn’t the planner, and I didn’t pay for the whole thing, but I was a big part of it.

Even though I live 3,000 miles away, I acted as her Maid of Honor, helped plan her bridal shower, planned …

How to Find Peace When You Feel Scared About What Might Happen

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“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos

I was in shock for about ten minutes after hearing the news, afraid while lying on the procedure table, and relieved when it was over.

Six months ago I had a mammogram. My checkup was supposed to be for a general mammogram—the one you get when you turn forty—but when I got there and told the technician that two days ago I had discovered a small bump in my right breast, the prescription was changed to a diagnostic …