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This topic contains 15 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #301413

    Holly
    Participant
    • I’ve been single for 8+ years and I’m scared it’s going to last for forever. None of the men that I’ve been (unofficially) involved with have treated me with any kind of significance. I know that there are men out there that do want to commit but maybe I just don’t have enough to offer? I can’t imagine anybody choosing me. Over all of the other women in the world. Why would they?
    #301429

    Raju
    Participant

    Holly,

    We all on this earth are alone in one way or the other.  We have come alone and depart this world alone which is a hard truth.  The company of ‘self’ is the best relationship we can have and all other relations are temporary.  Its a fact that all relations that we have during our life journey will leave us at some stage or the other of life.  So, why not we seek happiness in whatever we love to do.   Lending helping hand to others without expecting anything in return is the best way to avoid boredom being single in life.

    <I can’t imagine anybody choosing me. Over all of the other women in the world. Why would they?>    There is always someone or the other out there for all of us.  There are number of such men who also think the same way as you do and you never know when you may come across meeting someone with similar liking and taste as of you.

    Best wishes…

    Raju

     

    #301469

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Holly,

    The first thing to do is change your mindset.

    First of all, there are 3.5 BILLION women in the world. Do you know how God awful you’d have to be to be the worst of the 3.5 billion? You have got to be at least that one in a million somewhere to someone.

    Second of all, it’s a numbers game. How aggressive have you been in getting yourself out there? How assertive have you been with these guys you let into your life? There is a book and movie called 50 Dates. Read and watch it. Then do it. Line up 50 freaking dates from dating web sites and with friends of friends all at once. Be the alluring girl that the guys know is always asked out on dates from other guys (you don’t have to tell them you’re doing this).

    Best,

    Inky

    #301475

    Peggy
    Participant

    Holly,

    One word- WOW!

    Every man on the planet has access to every other woman on the planet – honestly, it’s true.  That’s the reason why no man will ever want to commit to you.  It’s because they have access to the other 3 billion or so women and they just keep passing you over.  Those other women are all the ideal weight, the ideal age, the ideal character, the ideal personality with the ideal family background and the ideal life plan.  You just can’t possibly compete can you?  Time for a reality check.

    Now – take a good, long hard look in the mirror.  If you can’t find a reason for a man to like you, want you, treat you as significant (whatever that means), how is he going to?

    And why would you think that (maybe) you don’t have enough to offer?  You haven’t met this man yet but you presume to know what he ‘might’ want.

    Work on your list of what you have to offer (what you have to give).  Even simple things can be a big plus in someone’s life.  Someone to talk to, share a movie with, have a coffee with, share a meal with, show an interest in, have a debate with, walk in the park with, kiss, hug, comfort, nurse, go shopping with, smile at, laugh with etc.

    Much as we all want that special, someone in our lives, being single has its advantages.  The best relationship we can ever have is the one we have with ourselves.  The quality of all other relationships spring from this.  Use this ‘single’ time to develop interests and hobbies.  Think of giving some of your spare time over to a charitable cause that is close to your heart – this is really good for the soul.  Become involved in your local community and before you know it the ‘right’ person will magically appear.

    Good Luck!

    Peggy

     

    #301483

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Holly:

    “I can’t imagine anybody choosing me”-

    – what if you choose a man instead of you waiting to be chosen by a man?

    anita

    #301485

    Mark
    Participant

    Holly,

    It sounds like you don’t have a good self image, that you don’t value yourself.  Your worth is not dependent on another man.  anita and Peggy have great suggestions.

    I believe if we feel good about ourselves, value ourselves, love ourselves then that shines through and those around us are attracted to who we are.

    Mark

    #301503

    Holly
    Participant

    Anita –

    I thought I had found somebody, a while back but he didn’t “want to get too attached” or be “too full on”.

    I tried.

    Holly

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by  Holly.
    #301511

    Mark
    Participant

    Holly

    I see relationships as self-selecting meaning that it does not work out and there’s a good reason why. It’s not a matter of whether someone is bad and the other person is good. It is a matter of it’s not a match.

    I see relationships as self-selecting meaning that it does not work out and there’s a good reason why. It’s not a matter of whether someone is bad and the other person is good. It is a matter of it’s not a match.

    Mark

    #301515

    Holly
    Participant

    Raju –

    Thank you.

    – Holly

    #301517

    Holly
    Participant

    Inky –

    I’ll definitely check that book out, thank you.

    (Albeit I was hoping to meet someone without forcing it, if that makes sense?)

    – Holly

    #301519

    Holly
    Participant

    Peggy –

    Thank you. You speak a lot of sense.

    I just don’t think that there are THAT many men out there that are:

    • single
    • not on the rebound
    • not hung up on another woman
    • looking for genuine connection & commitment

    So even if I can convince myself that I have enough to offer…what are my chances of meeting one of these men? * sigh *

    – Holly

    #301521

    Holly
    Participant

    Mark –

    You’re right. My self-esteem is pretty low. Men have chosen other women over me, before so I find it hard to imagine anybody wanting me when they could have someone younger etc.

    Not really sure what to do about this.

    – Holly

    #301533

    Mark
    Participant

    Holly,

    How to increase your self-esteem?  There are tons of self help books and online articles that can help you in this area.  Plus I’m sure there are people here who can chime in on tips and practices for this.

    Best,
    Mark

    #301545

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Holly!

    I know where you are coming from somewhat. I’m 37 and was single for 10 years after my daughter’s father and I broke up, had a 2-year relationship, and now have been single for another year and a half. So I get how lonely it can get sometimes and that you start thinking something is wrong with you… but there isn’t. I think dating is just hard these days for the reasons you’ve mentioned in your bullet points above, but please remember those things have nothing to do with you or your worth or what you have to offer.

    Personally, I look at being single as a blessing in a way. There are advantages that you can’t get when you’re in a relationship. So during this next period of my life where I’ve been single for a while, I’ve been taking full advantage of those things… including organizing my house so that I can get everything in order and I’ll have more time later for when I get into a relationship, I went back to school, I bought a guitar (although still haven’t had much time to practice it due to other priorities), and I’m focusing on my kids and my friends. So try doing the things you really want to do too and try not to worry about finding the right guy at the moment.

    I am a FIRM believer that the best relationships happen when you are’t looking. So do all of the things now that you won’t be able to do when your guy comes along, work on getting yourself (and your view of yourself) where you want to be… fix any issues you think you have, especially self-esteem if you believe yours to be low, because lack of confidence tends to not be so attractive and can cause problems in relationships, same goes for things like fear of abandonment. That can also sabotage relationships… if you don’t think you have much to offer, build up your skills and things that you value so that you feel like you have more of value to offer (but this is really more for you and to build your confidence… the right guy is going to like you for you as you are). Try not to get hung up on being older or worrying about men wanting someone younger either. It seems a lot of guys these days actually like older women, believe it or not. Just do all the things you need to do to prepare yourself for and make time in your life for a great relationship… get so happy with your life that you stop caring about finding a guy at all, and he’ll come along in perfect time.

    #301557

    Peggy
    Participant

    Dear Holly,

    You have as much to offer as any other person in the Universe.  Relationships come with one almighty kick back.  You are unlikely to meet a man who hasn’t had a ‘past’ where other women have been included.  The dating game starts somewhere around the age of 14/15/16.  We all have loves and we all have losses.  We all have disappointments.  This is completely normal.  Somewhere in amongst all this (hopefully) there has been an element of something that we call ‘fun’.  We have pleasurable moments to look back on as well as sad ones.

    Life’s a learning curve – everyone has something to teach us.  It’s up to us what lessons we learn along the way.  Men have been attracted to you before, men will be attracted to you again.  Men who are on the rebound would probably be termed as being single.  Generally speaking, it seems to be much easier for them to embark on a new relationship before the old one’s grown cold.  Sometimes, these rebound relationships work out.

    I don’t know what your chances are of meeting a man that you can connect to and commit to.  There are no guarantees.  What are your interests – join a couple of mixed groups and see what happens.  You will automatically have a connection.  Things like yoga and tai chi help connect you to yourself on all levels (mind, body, spirit and emotions).

    Ask around – most people know someone who is single.  Ask for introductions – go on a date without expectations.  Present yourself at your best – clothes, hair, make up.  Love the person who is looking back at you from the mirror.  Put a bounce in your step.  FEEL confident.  Then forget about you and focus on the other person – just for one date!  Ask questions, be interested, make eye to eye contact, pay a compliment, have fun.  This is just two people enjoying one evening together – no pressure.

    When the time is right, you will meet the man you are looking for and you won’t even concern yourself with what you have to offer, you’ll already know.  Shall I put this in small print – LOVE.

    I’m so excited for you – a world of opportunities awaits!

    Peggy

     

     

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