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Mark

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 1,005 total)
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  • #301537

    Mark
    Participant

    apple-slice,

    You have been in a LDR for only a few months?  How long did you know him in-person?

    I see that you were not together (face-to-face) long enough to establish any sort of relationship foundation where you really get to know each other.  We get to know each other via activities where we interact, via different situations and environments where we not only bond but also where we get challenged and have our differences come up.  We get to know each other not only with words but our body language and energy.  We get to know each other by observing how each of us react/respond to such differences and different situations that crop up along the way.

    How we act and behave is limited over the phone/Skype for that is only from the comfort of each of our bedrooms, sitting in front of a camera.

    You want advice?  I would not look at him as a boyfriend for the reasons I stated.  You can have him as a sometimes friend to talk with occasionally but if you want someone more emotionally intimate and a person to share things with then find an in-person boyfriend.

    Best,

    Mark

    #301535

    Mark
    Participant

    Marie,

    You can try to understand and “work with” your fiance’s mother but the person you really need to work with is your fiance.  Can you live with a man who gets run over, mistreated, and have his self esteem battered by her?  Can you live with someone who accommodates her, who cannot have boundaries with her?

    Mark

    #301533

    Mark
    Participant

    Holly,

    How to increase your self-esteem?  There are tons of self help books and online articles that can help you in this area.  Plus I’m sure there are people here who can chime in on tips and practices for this.

    Best,
    Mark

    #301511

    Mark
    Participant

    Holly

    I see relationships as self-selecting meaning that it does not work out and there’s a good reason why. It’s not a matter of whether someone is bad and the other person is good. It is a matter of it’s not a match.

    I see relationships as self-selecting meaning that it does not work out and there’s a good reason why. It’s not a matter of whether someone is bad and the other person is good. It is a matter of it’s not a match.

    Mark

    #301489

    Mark
    Participant

    Adam,

    I am sorry for your pain.  I wonder how old are you and her?

    Are you still hoping that there will be a relationship with her?  How realistic is that considering that her father has such a negative and strong influence over her life?

    I suggest getting some help for yourself in order to understand why you are so attached to this woman who has such issues that is preventing her to fully live a healthy, independent adult life.

    Mark

     

    #301487

    Mark
    Participant

    Gen7171,

    So both of you feel unheard?  that you shut down and/or cry? that you are impatient and quick to react?

    My question is that are you that way only with him or with other people in your life?  under other circumstances?

    Mindfulness is a great way of slowing down, be non-reactive, and more patient.

    I don’t see your second time around relationship being any different unless either of you are acting differently.

    Remember you cannot change him.  You can only change yourself.

    Mark

    #301485

    Mark
    Participant

    Holly,

    It sounds like you don’t have a good self image, that you don’t value yourself.  Your worth is not dependent on another man.  anita and Peggy have great suggestions.

    I believe if we feel good about ourselves, value ourselves, love ourselves then that shines through and those around us are attracted to who we are.

    Mark

    #301463

    Mark
    Participant

    This is a hostile work environment.  Start documenting every instance that this happens with dates, times and anyone who is around to witness.  Especially to make sure to capture what your boss says or does not say.  Even use your phone to record if you can.

    Check out your rights in your state.  Find out what department or agency can help you in this. Look at your hotel’s written/published policy on harassment.  Report your findings to HR noting who in HR you are contacting.

    The other approach is to ignore her and don’t take what she says personally.  See the Four Agreements on that.  If her behavior interferes, i.e. not giving you the information you need for your job then you cannot ignore her and look into building a hostile work environment case.

    Good luck.

    #301345

    Mark
    Participant

    Natalie,

    I am sorry for your pain.  You are going through this transition of loss (again).  How do you go on from this?  This is the period of grief.  Be gentle with yourself.  Nurture yourself.  Be OK with sitting with your pain, your grief.

    When you find your way on the other end of that tunnel then work on ways of loving yourself by acknowledging that you are enough.  When things don’t work out, there is a reason for that.  It just means that you two are not compatible.  As you noted in the first line of your post, he had his doubts.  You experienced having to look over your shoulder for blame and meanness “just for the heck of it.” Those are not behaviors or signs of a healthy relationship.  To try to be somebody else for another person means that you don’t find yourself good enough.  There is where your work needs to be, to love yourself.  Your  (our) worth is not dependent on another person.

    Find yourself a therapist, not only to get through this transition but also to start working on yourself.  anita is very good at probing people’s family of origin to ascertain where this sense of unworthiness comes from.

    Take care,
    Mark

    #301325

    Mark
    Participant

    Alexandria,

    Comparing ourselves to others is a natural behavior.  Evolutionary/social psychology tells us that is a survival mechanism.

    How to stop doing that?  I see that constantly checking social media aggravates the comparison behavior so stop following others on it.

    Try focusing on gratitude.  Do you keep a daily gratitude journal?  If you are grateful then it diverts your attention from the negative.

    Plus do Loving Kindness Meditation (you can Google what it is)  where you first focus on loving yourself.

    Mark

    #301323

    Mark
    Participant

    Marie,

    It seems like you are well informed and well grounded in yourself.  The question is whether you care to put yourself back into a world, however indirectly, of such dysfunction.

    I don’t think you can pretend that whatever is going on with your finance can be separate from your life.  No matter how much your set your own boundaries with this woman, you are going to be affected via your finance and his relationship with his mother.

    I think it is a fantasy that he will be able to separate himself despite therapy since he has this life long relationship with her.  Months or even years of therapy probably won’t undo the patterns of behavior ingrained within him by her.

    You said Maybe I can eventually help him set clear boundaries with her. He is going to therapy now about that and other things and he seems more calm. But there is also a possibility that he allows this dynamic to play out until one of them dies or moves so far away they rarely see each other.

    That is a classic mistake by partners, i.e. that you can help change him.  I enter into relationships as “What you see is what you get.”  If that is who he is now then don’t expect him to change.  Don’t marry on a possibility of change.

    Mark

    #301293

    Mark
    Participant

    Jenn,

    Loneliness is really hard especially if you have devoted your life in a marriage for so long.

    Kathy has given great first hand advice and experience about how to handle this transition.

    I learned to seek out activities that I liked or always wanted to try.  Meetups are good for this.  This way I would enjoy the activity with others.  Also I volunteered where I was helping others.  This way I got out of myself, my own misery.  I reached out to friends and family.  I looked to create a community.  I went to Buddhist temples not only to meditate with others but also to meet people and to have a regular place to go to.  I chose my volunteer work like that, i.e. to make it a regularly scheduled thing.

    On my alone time, I poured out my heart and misery by journalling.  I did so by creating a blog.  Also I got a dog.  Getting out to walk and exercise on a regular basis by a creature who unconditionally loves you helps.  I jumped into reading a lot of self help and spiritual books as well.

    Metta,

    Mark

    #301137

    Mark
    Participant

    Marie,

    Good that your fiance is open, understanding, and aware of how his mother is without sugar coating her behavior or justifying it.  And even with the knowledge that you will leave him that you will leave him if those boundaries are crossed, that is not the way of entering a marriage.

    The point of dating and being engaged is to “try out” the relationship.  If he cannot hold the boundaries and if you cannot witness her steamrolling him during the engagement period then you have your answer whether or not to set a wedding date or not.  I would not do so until you have gone through a long enough period to see how you can stand her in your/his lives.

    If you two have children then there is a good chance you two will see her more often so she can be with her grandchildren.  Her contact and interactions with you will increase.  Think of that.

    Mark

    #301125

    Mark
    Participant

    Marie,

    As long as your fiance is tied to his mother then she will be in your life as well.  Have you discussed your questions that you posed here with your fiance, i.e. that you want to keep his mother “at bay”?

    You have already experienced that your fiance won’t keep boundaries with his mother and how she has and will continue to influence and affect him.  Can you live with that?  You indeed are marrying into the family for you cannot control your future mother-in-law nor your fiance.

    You will be affected by her regardless because she will be affecting the man you will be marrying.  Are you prepared to spend all your energy trying to negate her affect on him?  Are you willing to stand by and see him not following his dreams because of her?  Are you willing to stand by and see him being guilted into things that you disagree with and possibly affect your marriage with him?

    You cannot assume that just because you are setting and holding boundaries with her that she won’t be impacting your life and your marriage.  She still has influence over her son and I suspect you cannot do anything about it.  No matter how much you discuss this and trying to get him to change, he will most likely not change.  He has had a lifetime of accommodating her.

    Mark

     

    #300773

    Mark
    Participant

    JuliaM,
    I have lost several friendships that I viewed as people who were my best friends. I come to accept that such friendships are rarely symmetrical/reciprocal.

    There is a Buddhist concept of how everything is impermanent and that if we are attached to something then that is the cause of suffering.

    I view that relationships have a life span.  They were good when it is working but there are times when people change/grow and the relationship no longer works for one or the other.  It is time to part.

    It is also better to understand the why but sometimes it is not worth taking the effort to find rather than just to move on.

    I feel your pain about how your former friend took over the group for you have not only lost a friend but others that you hung out with.

    I get about feeling “not enough.”  We are who we are.  Work on loving yourself and understand that such things happen in life.  I understand about losing friends and therefore I continue to nurture the relationships that I do have.  Plus I look to make new friends to renew the loses.  I also look to nurture myself to be my own friend during my alone times.

    Mark

     

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 1,005 total)