Forum Replies Created
July 1, 2019 at 7:49 am #301573
Long distance relationships are seldom worth the trouble. It’s not a *real* relationship, in my opinion, unless you see each other in person several times a year. It is akin to pen pals in the old days. You are close to him, but only on a certain level, and only in two dimentions.
Strive for real and local.
InkyJune 30, 2019 at 7:26 am #301469
The first thing to do is change your mindset.
First of all, there are 3.5 BILLION women in the world. Do you know how God awful you’d have to be to be the worst of the 3.5 billion? You have got to be at least that one in a million somewhere to someone.
Second of all, it’s a numbers game. How aggressive have you been in getting yourself out there? How assertive have you been with these guys you let into your life? There is a book and movie called 50 Dates. Read and watch it. Then do it. Line up 50 freaking dates from dating web sites and with friends of friends all at once. Be the alluring girl that the guys know is always asked out on dates from other guys (you don’t have to tell them you’re doing this).
InkyJune 28, 2019 at 5:38 am #301189
I’m glad you live five hours away.
If you have a land line, get rid of it. Don’t give her your cell number (you may need to change it). Only your husband should speak with her, and on a limited basis at that. Get him the book Boundaries. He needs assertiveness training.
He (not you) should visit her once a year on Easter. It’s a holiday, but it’s a low key one. She will be mad at you forever because you can’t be there for Thanksgiving or Christmas from now on. If you feel you must go, especially if you have kids one day, stay in a hotel. Eight hours (or one) is enough.
As she gets older it will be a little easier as she will no longer be at the height of her power. You’ll also view her more and more as a crotchety little old lady.
InkyJune 27, 2019 at 6:13 am #301029
I wouldn’t want to live in Texas, but that is just me. What about other cities? Atlanta, Miami?
Be careful not to be a burden to your niece and nephew. If you visit them once a year, that is awesome!
Good Luck in work, friendships, studies and love! It is really all about you. Time to go forth!
InkyJune 26, 2019 at 4:50 am #300799
It’s important not to use words to define something to make it more than it really is. For example, you repeatedly used the word “affair”. It wasn’t an affair. It was just some guy you never saw in person after it started. I wouldn’t even use the word “emotional affair”. YOU were the one with the emotions. Did he? Debatable.
It would help if you reframe this: You had an admirer and groupie. Some guy texted you a lot. Why wouldn’t he? You’re awesome! This is why you don’t give your number out.
It’s good you blocked him. You have a family now and have no time for nonsense.
June 25, 2019 at 5:55 am #300665
- This reply was modified 2 months ago by Inky.
One way to wake up his attraction for you is to TELL him about all these guys. He may not believe it. He may believe they must have a fetish. Those would be coming from places of denial. But one thing’s for sure. We are attracted to whatever/whoever someone else is attracted to. It’s human nature.
Another way to perk his curiosity is to suddenly wake up at five in the morning happily singing Rogers and Hammerstein songs, wearing a sundress, say you’ll be back by noon, be out all day, then the next day be at the gym all day after professionally washing your car. Well that’s just me. My husband would say, “WHAT’S GOING ON HERE??” convinced there was someone in the background. And flowers everywhere. And new items in the house you would never buy for yourself.
I know you (probably) won’t do all that. But doing one or two is fun. It’s GOOD your husband sees some sort of mystique about you.
Maybe the problem isn’t you. Maybe he has low sex drive, is asexual, has ED.
If there is no physical problem on his end, has he truly been faithful to you? If not, why feel bad? Indulge in the attention! Tell him you want an Open Marriage. Why deny yourselves?
InkyJune 24, 2019 at 8:31 am #300505
Well, if you are selling a HOUSE, I think that’s a definite sign from the Universe that you should be broken up. And stay broken up for a long time.
I wouldn’t live with anyone unless you’re married. This way if you break up you wouldn’t have to go through the hassle of selling a HOUSE. I can’t imagine all the work and angst of selling mine, and I’m not going through a break up.
As far as your sexuality goes, sexuality is so fluid. Don’t get hung up in defining yourself. You’ll never be able to do it (nor should you) and you’re only going to drive yourself crazy. I would go on lesbian dating apps and see if you would even like going there. I know you have a low libido, are picky about partners and that women are more work. But this way you’ll get that initial experimentation reconnaissance mission out of the way.
InkyJune 23, 2019 at 6:45 am #300393
I think you should view this person as a learning experience. I’m not crazy about long distance relationships in general, so I won’t make the case to be with him. What I do think is that you should date a local person who treats you with the dignity, honor and respect you deserve.
InkyJune 22, 2019 at 9:14 am #300349
You could have the best parents in the world and still crave a partner. You could also have the best partner in the world. But eventually the man (usually) dies before the woman does. So eventually you will again be alone.
I think humans in general spend AT LEAST twenty years on their own. Ten if they’re lucky.
So you might as well learn how to be happy, content, and self satisfied on your own!
Routines, reading, volunteer work, doing things you love, getting an animal, visiting your neighbors, events, clubs, gardening, worship, favorite shows, trips, meditation, family, crafting, art, music…… This list goes on!
InkyJune 21, 2019 at 4:33 am #300121
P.S. No, don’t meet her!June 21, 2019 at 4:32 am #300119
I think it’s a bit terrifying that you’ve been living with a man for a year and a half and you had no clue he had a daughter. I mean WHAT ELSE IS HE HIDING?? Even if this is his only backstory baggage, it shows that he could commit a murder, mail fraud, cheat on you, etc., etc., etc. and you would NEVER KNOW.
For me, THAT was a deal breaker! I would move out.
InkyJune 20, 2019 at 4:45 am #299929
Nothing creates distance like distance. If you live in the same town, move. If you live within an hour of each other, move. I know that’s not fair, but you will find your mental health improve in a dramatic way if you do.
Phone calls/texts: Limit how often you talk or respond. For one of my friends I s-l-o-w-l-y cut back to seeing that person once a year, talking on the phone once a month and responding to texts (limited one word/emoji answers!!) to once a week. Of course, you don’t tell them you’re doing this, and you don’t do this all at once. And yes, they hate it. And yes, there will be an eventual extinction burst where they act horridly horrid. But it’s totally worth it!!
Holidays: Break the family tradition and go away!! They will hate that, there will be guilt on all sides, but the first year is the hardest.
Read the classic book Boundaries by Townsend (I believe). It’s all about Assertiveness.
InkyJune 19, 2019 at 9:11 am #299823
I don’t know if he is The One. As there are many Ones. He does sound like a GOOD One!
Tell him that the other guy ruined it for you, and that if he doesn’t mind can you hang out as friends this summer. He will probably say “Yes” and treat you even better (to show you he’s not THAT guy!) and will be around in the fall. By then you will know your heart and give him a chance romantically. Or not!
InkyJune 18, 2019 at 6:19 am #299609
It sounds like your wife is already out of the marriage, it just isn’t legal yet. I think it’s noble and commendable you both want to be married for the sake of your daughter. Right now that is actually the right decision by her. But as she gets older, can you really live in limbo land like this?
InkyJune 17, 2019 at 10:00 am #299473
I don’t know if you’re checking back to read this thread.
Anyway, you need to redefine yourself! You parented two living children to adulthood! That is a big deal! The younger one sounds like three in one!! Listen, I raised a special needs child AND a “problem child”. They turned out great, and guess what? I’M TAKING ALL THE CREDIT!!! You are a Matriarch! Own it!!
As far as the social aspect, force yourself, as suggested above, to go to one Event a month. Sit in the back. Sit in the aisle. Duck out early. Whatever makes you most comfortable. After that, go to classes (in whatever!). After that, join a club. Yes, it’s SO CLICHE, but what else is there? And for all people knock religion, churches and temples do WONDERFUL things for the community. I have met the best, coolest people working for greater causes.