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OH! Another thought!
As men get older, well, *ahem*… maybe he wants to leave things to your imagination rather than have you be disappointed in real life. Little blue pills are $50 for a rodeo!
Family occasions are often consumed by family. I know when I have an event in an area I often don’t tell friends and family I am there at all. There is no time.
Maybe that’s what’s happened here.
Think of it this way: Welp! He missed his opportunity!
Advice? Cool it with the texting. If this was a game, he now thinks he has the upper hand. *shrug*
People should be so lucky to have someone go back and check if they’re doing alright. The fact that they’re not used to it makes it awkward. Well, let it be awkward. For THEM. Don’t feel bad about giving a rat’s azz.
When you say “children involved” do you mean the children you created with him or the children that were there before the relationship?
It’s so interesting to me that you never married. When you are not married you see your partner as Optional or even as Temporary. When you are married, the relationship becomes Real. It’s NOT just a piece of paper.
Honestly I like Anita’s advice: Make movements to leave. Call a relator. Tell him it’s not working. Of course, you don’t actually have to follow through on it but that should shake him up to put a ring on it or at least dates/affection/flowers.
One caveat: As we age our needs are different. I remember in my thirties I would be miserable because my husband never brought me flowers anymore (YouTube Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand). My emotional life WAS “You Don’t Bring me Flowers Anymore”. P.S. My husband is an engineer LOL.
Now I don’t think of flowers anymore. When he does bring them home I panic that I missed Valentines Day or an Anniversary or something.
InkyNovember 8, 2019 at 5:17 am in reply to: How to tell a dramatic, insecure woman that I’ve lost interest. #322101
Well, an ex of my boyfriend going into my store would be too weird. Maybe she was reading too much into it, but this kind of stuff is what women do, checking out the new girl. And “Liking” things on social media is the girl version of marking their territory, I’m afraid.
And you still being friends with an ex would bother some people.
That said, this girl IS dramatic, and no matter how you break up with her, there WILL be a scene.
Brace yourself for that scene.
Usually if we’re the one being dumped, we are totally blindsided. Keep in mind that the other person has been thinking about how BAD the relationship was for THEM for a long time, but never said anything. Then, one little argument or snafu comes along, they throw up their hands and say, “See ya!” and walk away. And we’re like, “What just happened here??”
Then WE feel bad (because they don’t!) and we internalize the crap that’s been dumped on us.
Do you really want to be with someone that doesn’t give us a clue? That gives the relationship a sudden Fail when we thought it was an A-? That unceremoniously throws us in cold water? NO!
I hope you get out of your depression and feel anger here. In fact, if you contact him, write, “How you ended the relationship was really crappy. Please don’t contact me again.” He will be all, “But I wasn’t going to!” Tough. Act as if he was.
Don’t be surprised if he does contact you to see how you “are”. Don’t be fooled, that is only to assuage his guilt.
Every other female experiences “Imposter Syndrome”. It’s a thing! Google away!
The thing about it is, “Good” is subjective. Check out Hemingway. A great writer, but was he a good person? Really?
Wayne Dyer: He was the self help guru, but the end of his life was a crap storm in his personal life. Look it up!
Everyone, each one of us, is multi-faceted.
Don’t beat yourself up!
InkyNovember 5, 2019 at 10:47 am in reply to: contemplating between holding on and letting it go #321539
He feels comfortable not respecting you. Tell him you are taking a break. Don’t explain why. He knows why. Then drop the rope.
I don’t care how much you love him. I don’t care if the holidays are coming up. I don’t care how much he contacts you.
After you say, “I’m taking a break” don’t respond to him for a couple months.
Let HIM call YOU after the New Year. Believe me, he’ll respect you.
I hate to say it, but the impending holidays will show the real mettle of the relationship.
Will you be celebrating them together? Will he introduce you to his family? Will he give you a gift? Will it be meaningful/thoughtful? Are you going away for New Years? Will you survive until Valentine’s Day? Will he forget Valentine’s Day?
Not even getting into your birthday, or the fact that many men dump their girlfriends before Thanksgiving and take up with a new one after Valentine’s Day just to repeat the cycle.
I say don’t worry about it. Too much pressure on top of everything. Just get through the next few months!
I’m glad you broke up with him. He was not worthy of you! Reading your list, I would break up with him based on “not even pretty” alone! There are so many little things that just add up to him not making sense.
You are looking for confirmation that he was wrong. He can’t or won’t ever give that to you, probably.
Well, I, Inky, on behalf of all women (and men! Ha!) everywhere, now give you confirmation: He was Wrong. You were Right to break up with him.
He’s getting married? Pray for the poor woman.
Where is the money coming from toward your apartment? Do you work? Have a trust fund? Parents (who, you know, are family)?
Most college kids live in a dorm. I had my first apartment at twenty-three. Even though I was two years older, I, too, trashed the apartment through benign neglect.
I would recommend living in a dorm (one room!) and/or roommates.
Also Flylady dot net is a great resource!
School: College is not for everyone. Maybe you should be one of those people that take one course a semester. You won’t get a degree until you’re thirty-ish, but degrees don’t get you too far anyway unless you’re in the sciences or going into a skilled profession. (Just my opine!!)
Meanwhile, get a part time job. This will help focus you and get you out of the apartment. (And back into it to channel surf!)
Volunteer places. Go to church. The gym. Events. If you make one new friend a year as an adult you are doing great! Invite them over so you will have to clean the apartment. Ha! I keep my place “fifteen minutes to company ready”.
Why kill yourself because of some degree, temporary lack of tribe and messy place? Cultivate the phrase, “Whatever”.
The good news is no one can hurt us as deeply as our parents could. And you went through the classic tragedy of abandonment through a spouse. So, going forward, the rest of your relationships with others will be simple and happier by comparison.
If someone starts acting like your father or ex, you will sniff that crap out from 100 miles away and say, “No thank you!”
You get to start over! You get to eat the way you want, dress radically different without commentary, watch your shows all the time, redecorate, travel, buy a motorcycles, whatever!
You do you!
If it makes you feel better, I was in a relationship where the guy told me he was bi and we broke up because he wanted to experiment. And my dad cheated on my mom.
For the guy I felt like: “Were the two years we were together a lie? Do my preferences not matter? Why didn’t you tell me in the beginning? Why did you take away MY choice before anything started? Because I wouldn’t have chosen you! Sorry not sorry!”
And for my dad I felt: “Why would you choose a skanky ho over our mother and over us? Who are you to judge me? And why should I seek your approval? Good luck with that!”
So, mistakes were made.
The good news? You’re not the one who gets to feel bad. Ever.
Eating disorders are tough, because it’s not REALLY about food.
Google Health at any Size. You don’t have to buy into it, but honestly several years of Size Acceptance messages have helped me.
Order prepackaged meals so you don’t have to think. Get protein shakes and protein bars for snacks or other meals. This is just to free up your mental energy.
You can’t go to the gym if you’re exhausted because you’re not eating. Your boyfriend is beautiful because he goes to the gym, right? I’d rather be a gym rat than calorie count. That’s where I am now. I’d rather look like an awesomely fit fat/”fat” than be a miserable dieting skinny/”skinny”.
Good Luck, many of us are struggling through this!
Mentors get in trouble when they say, “Email me anytime! Keep in touch! Friend me on social media!”
Then, to their surprise and chagrin, students do.
If my mentors heard from me once every ten years THEY’D be lucky. You see, they are no longer my mentors. They were beloved professors I’ll always remember fondly, who I would perhaps see at homecoming (again, once every ten years).
What I think happened is this guy can’t keep up with his old mentees. There are too many of you now. Or, one of his mentees became a stalker, tried to cast him into the role of Father, or became a lover entangled in his life. Then you come around (again) and his alarm bells are going off. Now, you didn’t set off the original fire. But he does smell smoke, even though it’s as benign as the grill outside.
Think of it this way: You outgrew your mentor. Repeat that every time you think of him.
Next time let him hear OF you, not FROM you. (You could have a friend make that happen for you, say, five years later. “Hey, wasn’t this an old student of yours? Congratulations! Here’s an article about her…”)
- This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Inky.