Forum Replies Created
July 1, 2019 at 1:33 pm #301659
Hello Lost Soul,
I’m really glad that I’ve just checked in and saw your post. You’ve done the most important thing in reaching out. Well done.
I know what it’s like to be so exhausted that you cannot even manage a phone call. I know you don’t feel able to deal with advice but can you do a simple breathing exercise. Can you manage to put your hand on your solar plexus (at the point between your lower rib cage) and breathe into it for a few minutes. You have to breathe anyway but it is quite possible that you are only using the top part of the chest ‘shallow breathing’ instead of breathing fully into your lungs (deep breathing). This is particularly helpful when you are trying to sleep. It’s also good to imagine angel wings wrapped around you keeping you safe.
Of course you can ask for what you need? Everyone who replies to you is showing that they care and if you need a friend (friends) we are here.
Look forward to hearing from you soon.
PeggyJuly 1, 2019 at 5:33 am #301567
Congratulations for feeling enough for each other to want to work through any issues that you have.
It sounds that you are blaming yourself for a lot of this problem. It takes two. We all learn to talk at a very early age and have a pretty good command of our native language by the time we are about five. You had to do a lot of listening to get to the point where you could speak fluently. You had listening skills once.
Sometimes conflict happens because of the way things are said rather than just the words that are used. For instance, do you/he blame the other person instead of blaming the behavior? Are these conversations on an aggressive footing? Are they confrontational? All these things are capable of producing emotional outburst, crying and shutting down.
So both of you need to be heard. Here’s what you do. Prepare yourself. Get two chairs. Get a timer. Decide who goes first – it doesn’t matter. Give each other two minutes. Step 1) Let your boyfriend speak for two minutes and don’t under any circumstances interrupt him. Let him say what he wants to say. Reverse the process – you speak for two minutes without any interruptions from him. Step 2) Feed back to your boyfriend what he has said to you. Get your boyfriend to interpret what you have said to him. Step 3) Notice how each of you react to Step 2. Does it change things by being on the receiving end instead of the giving end of the same conversation. Has something been misinterpreted in your respective minds. Has it thrown up any clues as to how you can improve the way you talk to each other?
(You might not actually be able to speak for two minutes but that doesn’t matter. Just take that amount of time regardless.)
You can repeat this exercise as often as you want to. Your cue will be the next time you have a “shut down” moment or you don’t think you are being heard. Return to the subject when you are in the right state of mind (next day, next week or whenever) and see what happens. I know that this takes an awful lot of courage but will pay dividends in the long run.
It might be helpful for you to learn some relaxation techniques. This will help you in every area of your life as well as improving your relationship, and disciplines such as yoga and tai chi are great ways of achieving a more peaceful and flowing way of being.
I hope it goes well for you.
PeggyJuly 1, 2019 at 12:22 am #301557
You have as much to offer as any other person in the Universe. Relationships come with one almighty kick back. You are unlikely to meet a man who hasn’t had a ‘past’ where other women have been included. The dating game starts somewhere around the age of 14/15/16. We all have loves and we all have losses. We all have disappointments. This is completely normal. Somewhere in amongst all this (hopefully) there has been an element of something that we call ‘fun’. We have pleasurable moments to look back on as well as sad ones.
Life’s a learning curve – everyone has something to teach us. It’s up to us what lessons we learn along the way. Men have been attracted to you before, men will be attracted to you again. Men who are on the rebound would probably be termed as being single. Generally speaking, it seems to be much easier for them to embark on a new relationship before the old one’s grown cold. Sometimes, these rebound relationships work out.
I don’t know what your chances are of meeting a man that you can connect to and commit to. There are no guarantees. What are your interests – join a couple of mixed groups and see what happens. You will automatically have a connection. Things like yoga and tai chi help connect you to yourself on all levels (mind, body, spirit and emotions).
Ask around – most people know someone who is single. Ask for introductions – go on a date without expectations. Present yourself at your best – clothes, hair, make up. Love the person who is looking back at you from the mirror. Put a bounce in your step. FEEL confident. Then forget about you and focus on the other person – just for one date! Ask questions, be interested, make eye to eye contact, pay a compliment, have fun. This is just two people enjoying one evening together – no pressure.
When the time is right, you will meet the man you are looking for and you won’t even concern yourself with what you have to offer, you’ll already know. Shall I put this in small print – LOVE.
I’m so excited for you – a world of opportunities awaits!
PeggyJune 30, 2019 at 7:49 am #301475
One word- WOW!
Every man on the planet has access to every other woman on the planet – honestly, it’s true. That’s the reason why no man will ever want to commit to you. It’s because they have access to the other 3 billion or so women and they just keep passing you over. Those other women are all the ideal weight, the ideal age, the ideal character, the ideal personality with the ideal family background and the ideal life plan. You just can’t possibly compete can you? Time for a reality check.
Now – take a good, long hard look in the mirror. If you can’t find a reason for a man to like you, want you, treat you as significant (whatever that means), how is he going to?
And why would you think that (maybe) you don’t have enough to offer? You haven’t met this man yet but you presume to know what he ‘might’ want.
Work on your list of what you have to offer (what you have to give). Even simple things can be a big plus in someone’s life. Someone to talk to, share a movie with, have a coffee with, share a meal with, show an interest in, have a debate with, walk in the park with, kiss, hug, comfort, nurse, go shopping with, smile at, laugh with etc.
Much as we all want that special, someone in our lives, being single has its advantages. The best relationship we can ever have is the one we have with ourselves. The quality of all other relationships spring from this. Use this ‘single’ time to develop interests and hobbies. Think of giving some of your spare time over to a charitable cause that is close to your heart – this is really good for the soul. Become involved in your local community and before you know it the ‘right’ person will magically appear.
PeggyJune 30, 2019 at 6:50 am #301453
This sounds awful for you. Are you two both working on the same level or is one of you in charge of the other. Are you incompetent? Is she? Sometimes people behave like this because they are insecure. How long have you been in this job? Surely, if you were that bad at your job, your boss wouldn’t have kept you on. You are being undermined and, if you no longer feel safe, then chances are you are being bullied. This is a serious issue and should be dealt with more appropriately by your boss. A ‘happy’ hotel needs ‘happy’ staff.
Are records kept as to what time rooms are cleaned. Can you demonstrate to your boss that there is a need to check rooms after 3.00 p.m. sometimes. It might make things easier if this could be done on a more co-operative level. If he refuses to give his permission knowing that his request is unreasonable, then it would be extremely unfair of him to blame you later. It sounds as if you are doing your best to be conscientious in your work and this makes you a very valuable employee – not everyone has this desire.
As you need this job for the time being, your boss has a certain amount of power over you which is why it makes it difficult to raise these issues. Perhaps you could obtain a book on “How to be Assertive” and practise some of the exercises in the safety of your own room until you feel comfortable with them. It might give you a little more confidence to handle the situation better.
It might help if you were to write down the things that are really troubling you about this person or your job. It is really important that you stick to the facts. State your case as clearly and honestly as you can and next time you talk to your boss, you will be much better prepared.
I hope it goes well for you.
PeggyJune 30, 2019 at 1:09 am #301415
I’m so sorry that your relationship has been in such turmoil and has now been broken off. Being a psychologist has not and cannot guard you against meeting someone on a personal level whose issues might impact on your own life in this way. I am sure you will agree that it’s always much easier to deal with other people’s anxieties where there is no emotional attachment than those happening in your own life.
Your girlfriend has just come off anti-depressants. This is going to be affecting her mood and how she feels. I presume that when she says she is too far gone she means that neither you or anyone else is able to save her. She’s right. Ultimately, the only person that can save her is herself – you might like to point this out to her. She’s been giving you mixed messages – she’s happy with you one minute and then calling the whole thing off the next. She’s confused – you’re confused.
Her parents are, from what you say, a bad influence on her. It’s nothing to do with them how she treats you (like crap). Both her father and mother, individually, still want control of her and the fact that you are a psychologist is probably scaring them to death. In their own way, consciously or not, they have been engineering this break up.
She’s given you her marching orders – she’ll come back if she comes back but don’t wait. Take her advice – don’t wait. There are not likely to be any significant changes in her over the next three months so you will just be setting yourself up for more of the same – ask yourself honestly is that what you want?
Regards – PeggyJune 29, 2019 at 10:17 am #301361
I’m so sorry that you are going through such heartache and pain at the moment.
Here’s my summing up of the situation. Your ex-boyfriend has been playing you and, because of the feelings that you had for him, you’ve allowed him to do this. He has never really shown any true commitment to you, he’s treated you abominably by messaging other women and only confessed to feeling guilty when he was found out. He wanted to be single but he didn’t want to lose you! He wanted you on the hook whilst he went off playing the field. When you/he did attempt to be together, he did nothing but criticize you and your lifestyle. The one honest thing he seems to have said to you in all this is that you’ll be better off without him.
Relationship break ups are painful. Rejection is painful. This is more about your ex-boyfriend not being ready or mature enough for the kind of relationship that you were hoping for. He might never be ready. This really does have far more to do with him than it does with you. You might not see it like this at the moment, but you’ve had a very lucky escape.
Mark is right. You don’t need to change to please other people. You have been put on this earth to be one person and one person only. You have your own talents, strengths, quirks, characteristics, physical attributes etc. You are special and unique exactly as you are. I don’t know you personally but I do know that you are every bit as good as anyone who has ever stepped foot on this planet.
Where do you go from here? Print out, if possible, your original post, take a match to it and burn it. You’ve put your feelings down on paper now release them forever. It’s very cleansing. Go on a journey of self discovery. Who are you, what do you enjoy doing, what cause touches your heart, if you were to write a love letter to yourself what would you say, how many things do you have to be grateful for, what would you like to achieve during the next twelve months, is there anything stopping you, what would your dog say to you if he could talk?
Where do you go from here? Have a love affair with yourself. Burn your favorite incense or oil. Play your favorite music. Watch a favorite film. Eat your favorite food. Dine at your favorite restaurant. Go on your favorite walk. Make it all about you! You’re worth it.
I really hope this helps!
PeggyJune 29, 2019 at 2:46 am #301319
Thank you for your lengthy reply – I am not upset by your original post – I am not emotionally involved. I hope things are becoming clearer with all the responses you have received. I do know from personal experience what it is like to be in the midst of a controlling, manipulative, abusive relationship and I do know what it’s like to be a single parent. Hypothetically, you would contemplate exchanging a difficult mother-in-law for financial hardship, emotional distress for you and your children, sheer exhaustion from all the hard work in trying to keep your single parent family together, whilst attempting to bring them up to be secure, well adjusted, thriving individuals. Added to that would be the maintenance and access agreements and all the time this ogre would be hot on your heels, chasing you around ready to pounce on you and your children at any moment. Aagghh!
I am glad your fiance is seeking therapy to help him deal with issues that he has. The way I see it is that he does not need to share his dreams with his mother, he does not need to succumb to guilt trips, he does not need to be available 24/7, he does not need to discuss politics, he does not need to set boundaries, he does not need to amount to anything, he does not need to visit, he does not need to stay away, he does not need to accept labels “golden boy”. These are all choices that are available to him.
The point I was making about his mother is that she has given life to the man you love – you have at least one thing to be grateful to her for. Send her a bouquet of flowers thanking her for the gift of her delightful son. Everyone likes to feel appreciated and valued but we don’t always know how to get there. You’ll be amazed at how good this will make you feel. (I don’t think you’ll do this but that’s your choice.) There is far more to being a mother than pushing a baby out into the world and, no doubt, she has had her own difficult challenges to contend with. I’m willing to bet that her own childhood was equally disturbing and that she has learned how to behave in such an unhealthy way. It doesn’t excuse the way she is treating her children, it just makes it easier to understand.
As for marriage, if only love was enough! That’s just the foundation from which to start. Trust, respect, loyalty, faithfulness, communication, compassion, commitment, compromise, forgiveness and then there’s those other niceties such as shared interests, mutual friendships, supportive families, financial security (or is that just me!).
I sincerely hope that the course of action you have decided upon works out for you.
With my very best wishes for the future.
PeggyJune 28, 2019 at 7:40 am #301213
Underneath it all I think you already know the answer to your question. Your freedom is important to you and you have never really dreamed of getting married. Yet, here you are, going off on a tangent of what will happen when you have children, when boundaries are broken, when she grows old etc. etc. etc. Whatever happened to living for today. You can’t possibly commit to having children with such negative notions as “I’ll leave with the children if your mother doesn’t play ball!” That is just totally and utterly irresponsible on your part.
Your fiance’s mother lives 5 hours away. You are being way too dramatic. Listen to yourself. She treats him terribly if he doesn’t do what she says! Her toxic energy is damaging your relationship enough for you to set boundaries! She lays the guilt trip on him with her controlling, manipulative behaviour! She trashes all his dreams! She even makes idle threats about getting custody of grandchildren! Where exactly do you think your fiance is colluding in all of this and what kind of behaviour do you think you are displaying? Repeat: She lives 5 hours away!
You do not want this person in your life even though she is your fiance’s mother and she gave him life. Where do you think your fiance, the man you love, would be without his mother. Answer – nowhere.
You do not like the thought of being legally tied (married) to someone who is connected to such a headache of a human. You’ve given yourself the get-out clause. This is not the right relationship for you and it will end in tears. It cannot survive with all those doubts swimming around in your head. It’s better to cut your losses now and move on. There, how does that feel?
PeggyJune 28, 2019 at 5:46 am #301191
Since my post yesterday, I’ve come up with an idea for a project that you might like to try. Have you thought of making a scrapbook for your niece and nephew on Dallas. It might take a bit of research but nothing too onerous. You could include things like the oldest building, the most impressive building, local beauty spots, statues, commemorative plaques, famous people that have lived there, a regional recipe, a quaint church, a photo of yourself and your room mate standing next to the Dallas sign maybe, a quirky car, a street performer, a favourite tree, a festival, an animal sanctuary. Find pictures, prints, photos and news articles to include.
Find an elderly resident to “interview”. Prepare a set of questions and ask them about their life, where they were born, family background, schooling, occupation, hobbies, what they like and dislike about Dallas, important events, what dreams they had, whether they were fulfilled, how has Dallas changed. If they don’t mind, take a photo of them. Buy them coffee or lunch – most people like to talk and you might just make their day. Precis their story into easy to understand language for your nephew and niece. Children just love to engage in this way. Get your creative juices flowing!
Whilst sitting in the sun on a park bench this morning, watching the swans gliding across the water, I was inspired to write this poem for you. I hope you like it.
Welcome to Dallas
Welcome to Dallas – it’s now been a year, I’ve been very sad and I’ve shed many a tear Yet when I put a smile on my face, I find that the world is a much happier place I’ve met with kindliness from the advice that I’ve sought, and I’m beginning to engage with positive thought Love will come in love’s own way, though I’ve had to kiss some frogs along the way I’ve lived with indecision but that’s OK, I’ve needed the space in which to say Today is the day that matters the most so I’m going to raise a glass and make a toast To all the days when I didn’t have a plan, To all the people who told me “I CAN” To all the dreams I can reach out and touch, Thank you, thank you, thank you so much!
All the best for the future
PeggyJune 27, 2019 at 7:30 am #301035
What really matters to you is LOVE.
Would you be able to undertake your Masters if you moved back to your hometown? “Maybe” isn’t much of a motivation to get this done. You need a strong commitment – possibility or probability – you decide!
You are missing your niece and nephew – book some time off as soon as possible, take a holiday and visit them.
You’ve been talking to someone on and off for five years – talk to someone new! This doesn’t sound like an up close and personal relationship that you’ve been investing your emotions into. File it under “experience” and move on.
You’ve been in Dallas for a year. That’s not long to forge a new life for yourself. Are you sure you’ve given it your best shot?
Peace and happiness take an awful lot of commitment: Every day in every way I am becoming more and more peaceful and content. You really have to go for it and commit to it. (This won’t prevent bad stuff happening to you any more, it just means that you’ll be in a better place to deal with it.) Perhaps you could join a meditation group to help you on your way. It would have the added advantage of helping you get back in touch with yourself and allow you to meet new people who could very well become your friends.
No-one else can make your decisions for you so I am going to end with my opening sentence. What really matters to you is LOVE.
PeggyJune 26, 2019 at 11:46 am #300921
I am so sorry that the death of your dog has affected you so deeply. You shared 7 years of your life with him and gave him a wonderful time. I think you are being a bit hard on yourself to say that you got his last day wrong. You were with him at the end and he was aware of that. It couldn’t have been easy to see him suffering but you must realise that this was not your fault. You gave him as much comfort as you could.
Unfortunately, loss through death is all part of the cycle of life and there is not much anyone can do about that. This acute loss has reminded you of your own (or your parents) mortality. Give yourself time to grieve, remember the good times you shared, be kind to yourself, silently send your love to your dog and one day, who knows, you may be able to offer another rescue dog a good home.
I am a bit concerned that you are envisaging a future where you are all on your own. It doesn’t have to be that way. Pluck up[ the courage to meet new people by joining groups and/or volunteering at a local charity shop. Would you be interested in helping children with their reading at a local school – are these opportunities available in your area? Join an art club (if you are so inclined) or learn to play a musical instrument. Don’t let being introverted stop you – everyone is good at something – find your passion (if you haven’t already done so) and indulge it.
Live one day at a time and give up worrying about the future. Life is full of opportunities. Have a free makeover in your local beauty store, try a new hairstyle, wear a different colour, cook a vegetarian/italian/chinese meal, arrange some flowers, spray your bedlinen with lavender, listen to some relaxing music, sleep under the stars, visit an art gallery, have a massage, take up tai chi, learn a foreign language, say hello to a stranger, pay someone a compliment.
Above all, be grateful for this life that you have and resolve to make the most of it every step of the way.
PeggyJune 26, 2019 at 3:15 am #300797
It sounds to me as if your friend no longer needs the same level of support from you that she once did. This is probably why she has started to distance herself from you. You should not take this as a slant but be grateful for the friendship that you have shared over those three years before the dynamics changed. You clearly have a lot to offer people who are going through vulnerable times – being able to relate to them on an emotional level. Don’t under-rate this.
You don’t come across as an introvert. You have asserted yourself by trying to get at the root of the problem and don’t forget that you were able to make those friends in the first place. If your friend is insincere within the group, she will be found out soon enough.
As you love walking and back-packing, I suggest that you try to find a walking group within your area and join them for a few excursions. It doesn’t have to be anything ‘heavy’ – just people getting together to share their common interest. Also, there are always plenty of courses and groups running which you can become involved in which will either further your current interests or allow you to take up something new. Is volunteering an option for you? Switch your focus from this one group which may have passed its ‘sell by date’ and expand your horizons.
Mark has said it in his last paragraph. Love yourself exactly as you are (who else can you be?), be secure in your own skin, count all your good qualities and know that you are every bit as good/worthwhile/valuable as anyone else who exists on this earth. This is a new chapter in your life – make it one that fills you with joy and happiness!
PeggyJune 25, 2019 at 2:43 pm #300741
Change can be very unsettling and, although it is a very normal part of life, it can be stressful. Take a few good, deep breaths until you become calm and hopefully you can deal with these issues one by one without becoming too emotional. Your family and friends lives are progressing in a fairly normal way. I am sure that you want their lives to work out for them and that you are wishing them well for the future. These changes do not mean the end of these relationships – you can still stay in touch.
Don’t compare your life to the lives of others. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence. In fact, it rarely is. Take another deep breath.
You’ve been to University – that’s an achievement. You’ve managed to find work – that’s an achievement. You are in a relationship – that’s an achievement. Draw strength from all the things that you have achieved so far and take it from there.
Another deep breath. You cannot control everything and the reality is that life does not always go to plan and you are disappointed that your expectations have not been met. Come on. You are only 26. You’ve met with a couple of setbacks, that’s all. You’ve got time on your side.
Another deep breath. It is very difficult to remain anxious when you breathe fully into your lungs. It is very difficult to panic when you breathe fully into your lungs. Really! Try it and see. Take up yoga, tai chi, relaxation, meditation, affirmations. You’ve been positive and cheerful before, you can be positive and cheerful again. You can do it! Yes!
PeggyJune 25, 2019 at 2:42 am #300663
I’m sorry that you went through such emotional upheaval as a child. It can’t have been easy for you. Whilst you can’t change those events, you can deal with it in the present by sending love to yourself as a child. This really works. It might help to have a photograph of yourself as a child. Every day give that little girl a big cuddle and tell her how much you love her. Assure her that things are going to be OK and that you will always be there for her.
Secondly, your parents have given you this life – your life and, as an adult, it is up to you what you make of it. Life is a great adventure with its twists and turns, joys and sorrows. No-one escapes from losing someone they love. It happens to us all. It’s how you respond to it that makes the difference. No-one can predict the future so you just have to go with the flow. Thank your parents for giving you this amazing life and forgive them for the hurt they caused you. Let the healing begin!
Most people go through several relationships during their teens – this does not necessarily relate to your childhood. This is normal. Thank those people for all the things they brought to you and release them with love.
Write a list of all the things you have to be grateful for in your life right now: a pair of shoes, a toothbrush, a walk in the park, the scent of flowers on the breeze, the ability to read and write etc. Make this list as long as you can and refer to it and add to it on a daily basis.
Finally, on loving yourself: this is not selfish, it is crucial. Give yourself all the love that you ‘need’ from others. Develop this relationship with yourself – after all, who else is going to spend as much time with you as you are. Before you know it, your neediness will have disappeared and you can look forward to enjoying a peaceful, loving and joyful relationship with a very lucky man.
Thank you for giving me this opportunity to help you.