Hi Rae,

You’d mentioned that your husband changed when he lost his job and that you two have gone through couples counseling. Has your husband gone through any individual counseling? I have to wonder if part of him is depressed because of the career loss. Sometimes if a man highly values being a provider, that loss can create some depression and extreme unhappiness in general that they don’t particularly know how to fix, so they just start thinking they need a new life and decide to change EVERYTHING. I’ve read a lot on this and relationships are usually the first things to go. If he hasn’t sought individual counseling, the issue might still be something in him that needs addressed, that he thinks it’s something YOU need to change, but it might really be something inside himself that he’s projecting onto you.

With that said, this isn’t something that you can fix, and I would still work on breaking the attachment you have with him, accepting what is at the current time, and preparing to separate just because there’s no guarantee that he’ll figure anything out with regard to himself or that it’s even the real issue. Be gentle with yourself too. There’s no timeline for healing. The best thing you can do is use this time to focus on all of the things you’d like to do or learn to do, pick up some fun new hobbies that you love to do, get out with friends, and take good care of yourself, because it’s self-care that’s going to get you through this.

Hi taylalouise!

I think, no matter what, the bottom line is it’s going to take time. There’s not a whole lot you can do to speed up the process of getting over someone, aside from not setting yourself backwards by doing things like getting into contact or checking her social media or looking at things she’s wrote or sent to you in the past. So just make sure you’re trying to put her out of your mind, even when you really miss her. With time, that attachment will fade, but it can’t be rushed.

Hi SunnyDays! I’m going to quote some of your original post and response to Anita below with my responses:

The issue and struggle was about him meeting that woman (who I didn’t know he was still in contact with) after we got back together officially i.e. he was already my boyfriend. He didn’t tell me it was the woman he essentially ‘left’ for me. Nor did I know they were still in contact.

The fights and arguments were always about our conflicting points of view on the event. Me: he lied by omission. Him: he did nothing wrong by meeting her. Which, technically he didn’t but it’s the fact he didn’t see it as information to share is what got me. He apologised for not telling me or being aware it was something I’d want to know about. To be fair, if I had have known at the time, I wouldn’t have stopped him.

Here’s the thing…. Yes, it definitely would’ve been better if your boyfriend had come to you first before meeting up with her, but you said nothing bad happened, so that means his intentions for meeting up with her weren’t bad. He didn’t tell you because he didn’t know that he should’ve shared that information at the time. Guys think differently than girls. He really probably saw it as no big deal, just tying up loose ends with the previous relationship so he could move on with you, right? Then, he finds out that it WAS a big deal to you and he SHOULD have talked to you about it beforehand. Now he knows how you feel, but he cannot go back in time and undo the situation. You admitted in the part I bolded above that “technically he did nothing wrong,” so you shouldn’t be treating him as if he did. You see, he does not have to agree with you that he lied by omission as long as he respects in the future that you want him to tell you of things like this before he does them so that you don’t feel hurt. That’s literally all he can do to make it up to you. Changed behavior.

He does not have to change his opinion to make it up to you… he has to change the behavior…. so… has he?  If this behavior has changed and he hasn’t done this to you again, then you desperately need to let this go.

You’ve understood my point of view, perfectly. To add to it, I do blame him for the pain of getting ghosted during 1.5 year period because he broke up with me in the first place, then came back again after realising he still missed me. And I am hurt he then caused more pain by not telling me he a) was still speaking to that woman (who still liked him) and b) not telling me he met up with her.

He is not to blame for another man ghosting you and it’s unfair of you to blame him for this. He IS to blame for breaking up with you, but that is a separate issue and one that should’ve been resolved before you became boyfriend and girlfriend again. Are you still holding onto a grudge for him breaking up with you the first time after only 6 months, and if so, why? Especially since he hasn’t done it again after you’ve been together for 3 years?  I feel like this is an issue that would be great to work through in CBT, figuring out exactly why you’re holding a grudge over something that happened so long ago when it seems like he’s stuck by you ever since.

To answer your question, yes, I do think there are anxiety-related behaviours that I need to keep in check. I have low self esteem and get jealous quite easily (youngest child syndrome who was spoilt) which is a work in progress. The issue is that even when I think I’m doing better my partner refuses to see it. He has basically said he’s no longer putting in any effort until he sees a reason to – i.e. sees me changing my behaviour. Unfortunately, lockdown happened so we’ve been in each other’s pockets for a good 4 months, and life isn’t normal so the situation doesn’t exactly lend itself to him naturally seeing my changed behaviour play out.

I am a youngest child who was very spoiled, and to be honest, I don’t think jealousy or low self-esteem has anything to do with those things (that’s usually a middle child problem). I think there’s something else causing it and it’s up to you to work through it and figure out the root issue so that you can heal it. It might be hard for your partner to see any changed behavior at first because he is probably feeling some resentment, and that can be hard to look past. SO, if you truly want to fix things for him, you’re going to have to stop being so critical of him. Just work on you. And look up some of the work by John Gottman. He’s done lectures on YouTube that are fantastic as far as relationships go, and his research has shown that partners being critical of each other is a relationship death sentence.  Another thing to look into would be the love languages. Figure out what both of yours are. When you figure out yours, you can tell him some specific things that you love and that’s a concrete thing he can do to make you feel good (which guys’ logical, instruction-oriented brains love), and when you learn of his, you will both see things that you can do for him that will make him feel loved AND you’ll start to notice some of the different things he’s done that has shown love to you (because people tend to show love in their own love languages).

Otherwise, if you keep going down the path you two are on, you might as well separate. So my advice if you’d really like to work things out is for you to let all of that stuff in the past go. Start fresh. Show love to him and stop being critical. You make that move to turn toward him in love and he will likely start turning back toward you again too, but if you constantly remind him that he’s not doing things right, it’s going to just push him further away at this point.

Hi Veronica!  Do you feel comfortable talking to your boyfriend about his anger outbursts? It’s possible it might seem normal to him, but it’s not really acceptable behavior. I think that when people react to things this way, there is usually something deeper going on, like suppressed emotions and possibly depression/sadness… basically he either has some things he needs to work through or he might see this as normal, acceptable behavior if he grew up with a father who punched walls or friends who do and think it’s fine.

I think the first step, if you feel comfortable doing so, would be to talk to him and ask him why he does this. Let him know it scares you.  If you don’t feel comfortable talking to him about it or become afraid of him or how he will react, then it might be better to just leave the relationship and find a man who can control his anger.  I would certainly be worried about or scared by this behavior, too, and I have never seen either of my parents or loved ones punch anyone.

To me, it sounds like you’re setting healthy boundaries. Putting your mental needs first isn’t selfish, it’s self-care. There’s a very big difference. Selfishness is putting wants first. Self-care is putting needs first, and self-care is even more important for you when you’re already suffering from depression and anxiety. It’s ultra-important, actually, so no, not at all selfish. Like you said, you are not his therapist, you cannot be his therapist… and him treating you like a therapist will only drag you down.

It sounds to me like his actions are toxic to both of you. He doesn’t want to eat much, which is very, very unhealthy and is only contributing to his depression, and as someone who loves and cares about him, it’s hard to stand by and watch him not taking care of himself, not caring to take care of himself, and even worse, constantly complaining about how he feels while he’s not taking care of himself.  I understand how completely frustrating that situation is, as I’ve been there myself.

You mention that he feels guilty spending money on food, etc. Is he low income? Are you in the US? If the answer is yes to both of those questions, he can probably get counseling services for free if he qualifies for Medicaid in your state. That might be something to look into. It sounds like he could really benefit from therapy.  If not, he needs to implement self-care, especially a healthier diet and exercise. Not eating enough will absolutely wreck a person AND their mood. Eating enough food is way more important than saving money.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 12 months ago by Valora.

Hi Janemarple.

I’ve got sort of a different opinion here, I think, given that I’ve always had a lot of guy friends. It sounds to me like he likes women to be conservative in real life, but he enjoys looking at pictures of scantily clad women as a fantasy, and he probably uses those sites sometimes to… make himself feel good. Men are visual creatures. This type of thing is very common among them, even conservative ones, and even ones who are very much in love with their ladies. They just try to hide it from their women, because they are very much aware that most women aren’t going to be okay with it. It’s understandable that the women are upset when they find out though, because it does feel like a bit of a betrayal and like they have wandering eyes, but again… that’s why the men hide it, because THEY don’t see it that way.  (Hence: “It’s just like looking at magazines!”)

Now, I don’t think the sites where there is actual interaction between the men and the women are okay at all, but I’ve learned to just kind of shrug off the sexy photos, as long as they’re not looked at excessively.  His reaction when you were questioning him about it was likely due to embarrassment, especially since he’s conservative. He might not have realized that people could see what he was following.

So I guess the question is… are you SURE he’s only been looking at this stuff for the past year?

At any rate, this has understandably changed your opinion of him. If it’s something that you can’t get over, I think you did the right thing by breaking up with him. Just because it’s common, that doesn’t mean you have to accept it. It just means the men that truly don’t ever look are few and far between. I also want you to know that him looking at those photos doesn’t say anything about you or how he feels about you. I doubt he saw doing that as a betrayal toward you as it’s usually just a fantasy. It’s the equivalent of women reading 50 Shades of Gray or some romance novel and dreaming about the guy in the book. Looking at those photos is the guys’ way of enjoying fantasy in the visual sense the way that women enjoy fantasy in the storybook/imagination sense. Again… doesn’t mean you have to be okay with that… it just is what it is.

Hi Tee!

It’s great that you have found someone who balances you out! I’ve had that kind of fire/water balance before, too (I’m also like fire), and it was the best relationship I’ve ever had. Those kinds of relationships are hard to come by! I think if you read up on the 5 love languages, it might help you to spot some of the things he does that shows he cares. There are lots of blogs and things written about them, and it’s really interesting!

He seems like someone who is patient, and I think it’s great that you can voice your concerns to him without him taking it the wrong way. I don’t think you sound like a hot mess compared to him though, maybe just more emotional or high-strung (not bad things, I am emotional and high-strung, too. haha), but it sounds like that’s exactly why he’s good for you. His calm nature helps to balance out your high-strung one, right?

I do hope you’re able to feel better and are able to connect even better with each other with some new understanding 🙂

Hi Tee,

I agree with what Anita has said. I also want to point out how I think sometimes, without thinking about it, we sort of expect people to respond how we would respond or how we would want them to respond, and when they don’t, that becomes an unmet expectation, which feels like a big let down. That’s probably why you feel so disappointed by his lack of reaction and not warm and safe. One way to fix this is to realize that he isn’t you. He’s also not female. Men and women respond to things differently in general. Men are fixers and less emotional/empathetic in general. This can makes them good listeners, though. He’s shown this by listening to your story about your family, but he likely didn’t offer advice or consolation because he may just not have known what to say or do.

So in other words, get your expectations in check. He’s going to respond to things how he responds to things, and from the sounds of it, he responds to things in the way a majority of guys I know also do.

Also, everyone shows love differently. Have you read about the 5 love languages? You two may have different types, and it may be good to read up on those so you can understand how he shows you he loves you. You are looking for him to show you he loves you in YOUR love language, not his, while he’s been showing you in his own language, not yours. It’s basically just a miscommunication. So learn to communicate in that way, and it will likely help a lot.

Also, 2 hours of dedicated time is way too long. People are busy and Anita’s right about that taking a lot of energy. I’d have to turn that down if I were dating someone that asked that of me, too, because I have neither the time in the day nor the energy. I think you also shouldn’t assume that he doesn’t miss you in the way that you do. He could miss you just as much or more and just not show it. A lot of men aren’t very vocal about their feelings. They tend to internalize them, but that doesn’t mean they’re not there. So I bet he’s right… if he shows how he feels in the 3D world, it likely WOULD be better if you lived together, and it might be worth seeing your relationship through for it to get to that point, as long as he treats you well and you’re compatible overall.

Anyway, seeing a therapist will likely help a lot. I’ve seen one regularly for the past couple years and have been able to heal a lot of pain from my past and it’s helped me through situations in the past couple years that I might not have handled well if I hadn’t had the help. Talking to someone really helps you gain a lot of perspective. I would recommend it to anyone. The key is to find a therapist that you connect with and really feel good about talking to, so don’t be afraid to switch if you don’t find the right one at first.