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Valora

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  • #301545

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Holly!

    I know where you are coming from somewhat. I’m 37 and was single for 10 years after my daughter’s father and I broke up, had a 2-year relationship, and now have been single for another year and a half. So I get how lonely it can get sometimes and that you start thinking something is wrong with you… but there isn’t. I think dating is just hard these days for the reasons you’ve mentioned in your bullet points above, but please remember those things have nothing to do with you or your worth or what you have to offer.

    Personally, I look at being single as a blessing in a way. There are advantages that you can’t get when you’re in a relationship. So during this next period of my life where I’ve been single for a while, I’ve been taking full advantage of those things… including organizing my house so that I can get everything in order and I’ll have more time later for when I get into a relationship, I went back to school, I bought a guitar (although still haven’t had much time to practice it due to other priorities), and I’m focusing on my kids and my friends. So try doing the things you really want to do too and try not to worry about finding the right guy at the moment.

    I am a FIRM believer that the best relationships happen when you are’t looking. So do all of the things now that you won’t be able to do when your guy comes along, work on getting yourself (and your view of yourself) where you want to be… fix any issues you think you have, especially self-esteem if you believe yours to be low, because lack of confidence tends to not be so attractive and can cause problems in relationships, same goes for things like fear of abandonment. That can also sabotage relationships… if you don’t think you have much to offer, build up your skills and things that you value so that you feel like you have more of value to offer (but this is really more for you and to build your confidence… the right guy is going to like you for you as you are). Try not to get hung up on being older or worrying about men wanting someone younger either. It seems a lot of guys these days actually like older women, believe it or not. Just do all the things you need to do to prepare yourself for and make time in your life for a great relationship… get so happy with your life that you stop caring about finding a guy at all, and he’ll come along in perfect time.

    #301353

    Valora
    Participant

    I think one of the things that happened here was that you saw the red flags but decided not to pay attention to them. His actions have absolutely nothing to do with your worth. You changed everything and did whatever you could to make him happy, and he still didn’t appreciate it… which means no matter what you did or didn’t do, you weren’t likely going to keep him. He probably has some of his own issues going on too, but, regardless, he likely just wasn’t your match.  So it isn’t that you weren’t “enough.” It’s that you and him just didn’t match up… which means your match is still out there, and to that guy, you will be eeeeverything.

    Take this time to grieve and heal. As Mark said, be gentle with yourself, sit in your pain and feel it and then let it go as it comes. It’ll probably come in waves for a while, and it’s going to take some time, but you’ll feel better afterwards. Then, after you’ve had some time to heal and reset and start feeling like yourself again, start dating but set some boundaries. If someone doesn’t contact you for days but can get on Facebook? Don’t be afraid to call them out on that. Just calmly ask them to explain what’s going on… the person you’re dating should want to talk to your or at least check in. If their response doesn’t feel right to you, pay attention to that feeling. Use those feelings as a guide system and communicate them to your partner. Also, I wouldn’t let a partner get too nitpicky. My ex used to do that to me, too, and I’d put up with it but now I wish I hadn’t. I deserved better than that and so do you. Usually it means something’s going on with them and they’re grumpy, but it’s not okay to take it out on you. So that’s another thing that you’d want to talk to your partner about rather than just letting it slide. If you are with the person you are meant to be with… you will not lose them from healthy communication, and your needs are just as important as his.

    Your ex was right that you do deserve better than how he was treating you, so take this time to heal, do some things that make you feel really good, hang with friends, learn some things you’ve always wanted to learn, rebuild your self esteem… and then find someone who treats you better…. and you’ll know when you find your match because he will be just as excited about you as you are about him. No doubts.

    #300961

    Valora
    Participant

    I think your fantasies for him will go away over time, especially as you begin to feel better about your body, and hopefully your fiance will be able to fill that role for you too. I think it’s very insightful that you recognized it was likely due to the ego boost he gave you. I’d maybe read up on the ego and how listening to that can affect us. If you can learn to not feel a need to feed that side of you, that should help with the fantasies as well because your ego won’t need that boost that that guy gave you anymore. They may not go away immediately, but they most definitely should over time.

    #300803

    Valora
    Participant

    So far I’ve been sad because I have no clue how to distract myself when it comes to being alone such as work. It’s hard when I’m at work because I have desk job and when I have nothing to do I get the desperation to message him because that is when we use to message each other. I believe I need to grief first and accept that I have given him my word and that it is finally over.

    I know EXACTLY how you feel there with needing a distraction at work, and maybe this is another reason why you wanted to hold onto your connection with him… it was something to keep you from your boredom. The thing to do here is to just look for other distractions when you need a break, like scrolling through Pinterest or even typing on internet forums like this one (which is basically what I do because I work from home).  I’m sure you will need time to grieve and let the attachment you have to him fade, but that will come with time. I think finding something else that interests you to help distract you when you have down time at work should help, though, too.

    #300767

    Valora
    Participant

    I think that you should just take his non-response as closure. Sometimes that’s all we will ever get from people, and we just need to be okay with that. Then just put your focus into your relationship with your fiance, and maybe also figure out what you were getting from this other guy that maybe you aren’t from your fiance and see if there is a way for your fiance to make you feel that way, too, which should also help your feelings for the other guy fade away.

    #300419

    Valora
    Participant

    I do ask myself if  there could be some other reality for me. Is there a relationship that I can feel secure and wanted in? Could I ever feel pretty enough for someone (small boobs and all)? Is there someone out there who would love to take me on dates?

    I feel like, based on what you’ve said overall, this guy probably isn’t your match. You two might be able to make a relationship work with some effort, but I do think it’s likely there are other guys who would be attracted to you EXACTLY how you are, your body type, your personality, etc., and who would let you know daily how beautiful they think you are and you would not feel insecure with them (but make sure you believe these guys when they tell you what they see in you. Sometimes it’s hard to do that when you feel insecure). From what you’ve said, this guy doesn’t have a sort of natural attraction to you but I am 100% sure there are guys out there who will. That’s the type of guy you should be with. Someone you naturally connect with, and you will know it when you meet one because things will flow effortlessly and he will be very clearly interested without so much confusion.

    As for this guy, it could be that you are a placeholder until he meets someone else, which would be why he came back every time you two broke up. He didn’t want to be alone. Please keep in mind this doesn’t mean anything negative about you, it’s more a reflection of himself.  I could also be wrong and he may have genuinely had issues that prevented him from fully connecting with you, and in that case, you’ll have to work on trusting him. If you want to stay with him and see how it goes, I’d see if you could attend a therapy session with him and his counselor. Counselors are usually very open to having people come into sessions as long as the patient is okay with that, too.

    #300195

    Valora
    Participant

    It still sounds to me like you’re fighting your feelings. Just let them be what they are. It’s okay that you still miss her. Your mind still has her on a pedestal but she is NOT the only person that you can feel this way with.

    Have you started any counseling yet?

    #299983

    Valora
    Participant

    I’m saddened about this, as if I think is my fault. I was lesser than her… Maybe he is proud of her and not me. It’s like she won the contest and I am the sad looser. As sickening as it sounds, it is engraved in my mind by society that, you as a woman keep a man. And I didn’t…

    Please don’t take this personally. I really, REALLY think it isn’t about you in any way. Try thinking about this another way…. this other girl that “won the contest” gets a guy that was constantly cheating on her. She won a pile of garbage. That’s NOT really winning. She was also there before you, so you could be literally the best person on the planet, and this guy won’t see it because he’s got his own issues and a previously formed attachment to her. Also, some guys wouldn’t know quality if it was standing there in front of them, flashing “QUALITY WOMAN” in lights and sirens, so it really isn’t good to place your worth on those guys. Know what I mean?

    You’re right that society does ingrain this in our minds… that if we can’t keep a man that we aren’t worth it… but society is wrong about a lot of things, and this is a big one. Think of it this way…. the point of dating people is to find your true match… the person that you naturally connect with and are supposed to be with. If we continue to think that we have to keep a man (even a TERRIBLE one) because we are worthless if we don’t… how will we ever be free to find our match? We’d always be trying to hold onto the wrong ones just to feel good about ourselves while they make us feel bad about ourselves. It’s completely counterproductive.

    So it’s not that you are less than or not worth it to this guy… he’s just not your match… and thank God because he’s very clearly a terrible boyfriend.  Quite frankly, NO ONE is going to be his match until he grows up.

     

    Above all…. please remember…. your worth does not and will never depend on what another person thinks or what another person chooses. 

    #299863

    Valora
    Participant

    Sofioula, based on what you’ve said, I don’t think it was because he was ashamed of you. I think he was hiding you because he’s also seeing someone else and that person is most likely integrated into his family which is probably why he won’t bring you around them.

    I really don’t think this has anything at all to do with you and what kind of person you are or whether or not he’s ashamed of you. I think this is all him and his own issues, and it sounds like you can do a lot better.

    #299779

    Valora
    Participant

    Reading your post of the list of his bad behavior… did you ever meet any of his family or friends during the time you were together? Given that he wouldn’t ever bring you around anyone, wouldn’t take you to parties, post about you on social media, or show you photos of vacations with friends, it’s sounding like were a side girl…. especially if you NEVER met his family. Meaning he had a girlfriend and you were the one he was cheating with… or he just has a bunch of side girls and doesn’t want any of them to find out about the others. When men are serious, they introduce their girlfriends to their friends and family and include them. If they don’t, there’s something wrong.

    I’m sure he cared about you, which is why he would text you and maybe even call randomly, but you might want to rethink getting back together with him, if that’s what that text message was. He also might be trying to feed his ego and seeing if you’re still on the line. Either way, not texting back was probably the right thing to do. I’d forget about this one and find someone who will be proud to show you off to his friends and family and will want to truly include you in his life.

    #299777

    Valora
    Participant

    My wife tells me that some days she’ll be able to stand being around me, and its those moments I feel like our marriage can be saved. But then I confront her about her suspicious behaviors, and we get into arguments. All the positive that I’ve done resets to zero in her mind. It’s like taking one step forward and two steps back.

    My wife hates talking about our situation. Every time I bring it up, it seems to make things worse than make things better. It was in our last talk that she expressed her desire to really commit to the divorce and she was going to consult her mother about it thinking her mother would understand.

    I’d give it a little time if that last talk was recent because all of the talks really might be pushing her further away, but the next time you talk to her about it, instead of talking about what she’s done or any suspicious behavior, try talking about what she feels YOU have done. Find out exactly what she thinks was lacking and decide together if/how you can fix that, whether those things are changeable. If they are, make sure to change them. But make the conversation pointed directly toward you and your behavior this time. She might be more open to and feel better about talking about things if she doesn’t feel like the conversation is being pointed at her and her behavior. Remember when talking to her that you’re simply finding out how she feels… her perceptions on things. Whether you agree that you did those things or not, that’ll give you a lot of insight into how her change of heart came about and you have to know that before you two can fix it… if she’s still willing to fix things.

    #299771

    Valora
    Participant

    She felt like I wasn’t there to support her and that is also her reason for having the affair. She thought the other guy was very understanding and she felt he was the only person at that time she can confide to.

    I haven’t all of read the rest of the posts yet so I don’t know if any of this has been said, but these two lines you wrote to Anita are important. She was feeling unsupported and not understood, so that’s some of what she needs to feel from you in order to repair things… as well as trusted and not tracked (you also pointed out to me how she lied to you several times, but you lied to her as well when you were tracking her).  I completely understand why you don’t trust her as she’s definitely proven herself untrustworthy, but if you two somehow do decide to repair things, you’re either going to have to just blindly trust her or be open to an open marriage and then hope that she’d regain her feelings/attraction toward you over time. You’re also going to have to somehow let go of everything that’s happened so far. I would also highly suggest marriage counseling. Also remember to pay close attention to what you’ve done in all of this, especially before the affair. I’m not at all saying that her cheating is your fault, but if she’s saying she felt unsupported before then, that’s something you need to pay close attention to because that’s behavior of yours that will need to change. I’d talk to her as Mark said and find out what other issues she was having with your behavior (not to point fingers, again, but those issues are part of what turned her away if your relationship had been good beforehand) and see if they are changeable.  If she knows you will work to fix those things and try to reconnect and redevelop the relationship slowly over time, maybe it can be fixed.

    If you two didn’t originally live in two different countries, I’d say this woman’s behavior toward you is unacceptable and I’d move on being that she’s cheated multiple times and seems to have checked out already, but if you went back to Canada without your daughter, it’d probably be hard for you to see her after that. I doubt the mom will let you take her out of the country without her unless she decides she’d rather not be a mom, so until your daughter turns 18, it’d probably be best for you to stay in Japan. I think in this case, because of your child, it’s worth doing everything you can to try to stay together… unless you’re willing to stay in Japan with being married to her.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 4 weeks ago by  Valora.
    • This reply was modified 2 months, 4 weeks ago by  Valora.
    #299675

    Valora
    Participant

    Darren, from what you say, she seems to have some resentment towards you, saying that she would rather sit in her car than be in the same room with you and also said “no” when you asked her to run a small errand. Has she always spoken to you this way and, if not, do you have any idea what could have led to this?

    #299671

    Valora
    Participant

    Valora:

    Mindset, yes! That is what I am struggling with. I am trying to focus on happiness, because what I realized is that when he is not talking to me and out of my life, even for a few days…I feel more at peace and good things are brought my way. It saddens me that I have this attachment to someone who consistently hurts me and disrespects me. I have set boundaries, but sadly, let him cross this, disrespecting myself and showing him that it is “okay”, when it is not…

    The thing about attachments is they take a while to break, so that’s something that should be expected. It is completely normal that you have this attachment, so your job now is to just simply accept that it’s there and that it will take time to dissolve… but after time apart, it WILL dissolve. If you feel better and more at peace when you are apart, that is your biggest sign that he is toxic to your life and that you need to distance yourself for your own mental health, no matter how your mind tries to rationalize your current feelings. The attachment feels comfortable to your mind, so that’s why it’s hard to let those go at first, but stay strong. You will feel better over time and your mind will change once it feels comfortable without that attachment.

    What makes me feel guilty are the “what ifs”, and I know should not live for the what ifs, but i do…the last time we broke up, he got into a car accident, got sent to jail, and got a DUI…he called me from jail. He told me that if it wasn’t for me leaving him, he would not have been in jail. I feel since I left that one time, I caused that… he always brings it up to say i was not there for him. What if I leave and he goes more heavily into drugs? His family kicks him out? What if he CAN change and I made a mistake leaving possibly the only person I can have this bond with? I sound crazy…it has been a cycle.

    Another thing to realize that may help you change your mindset is that you are not responsible for what happens to him. HE is. He is telling you these things to manipulate you into staying… to make you feel bad for him, like you are responsible for him. You aren’t, and that kind of manipulation is emotional abuse. Again, another reason why he is toxic and why you need to stand firm in a decision to leave, no matter what your mind tries to tell you (and I realize I keep talking like the mind is a separate entity, but it kind of is in these cases. It’s in protection mode and only wants to maintain comfort but lots of times it’s counterproductive to what’s actually best for us).

    Yes, it’s possible for your ex to change, but it won’t be because of anything you do or don’t do. It’s a decision he has to make for himself. And until he DOES change and for an extended period of time, he will be toxic to you. You are not responsible for his change or his lack thereof. He is. He is responsible for the car accident, the DUI, and the jail time. You did not make him react the way he did. He chose to react that way. So when you mind starts in with the “what if’s,” always counter those thoughts with “HE is responsible for HIMSELF,” and remember that him telling you that you are responsible for his actions is a manipulation… emotional abuse. I may not know you but you seem like someone who deserves far better than that. Please remember those things.

    #299507

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Alexxy,

    It sounds like you need to change your mindset about him. He is not a part of you. You have an attachment to him and have experiences with him, but he, himself, is not part of you, so letting go of him really is not letting go a part of yourself. Try to not let your mind convince you of that. You can also love someone and care about someone but still set the boundary of not allowing them to hurt you, which in this case would probably involve stopping talking to him.

    But to give any further advice on how to leave, I need to ask… what is it that makes you feel guilty when you get yourself to let go of him? Can you explain that further?

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 265 total)