Good morning, Confused:

Your last 2 posts from yesterday point to something I didn’t notice before: that she jumps ahead to step five when you didn’t even live through step two, predicting future problems, which is her way of seeking control. So, instead of planning your next visit and enjoying what you have, the two of you end up theorizing about the future and discussing hypothetical issues that may never happen,

And when she talks about future problems, it triggers your insecurity: you start feeling like you’re not enough and that she’s preparing to leave you. For you, it’s about being realistic and removing the pressure of expectations so that you can enjoy each other without needing to know what will happen years from now.

So, her future worries trigger your insecurity=> Your insecurity triggers your avoidance=> Your avoidance makes her more anxious=> Her anxiety makes her future‑oriented.. And the cycle continues. You are aware of this pattern. I was not.

You need to remove pressure so that the relationship can breathe. You want realism and present‑moment connection so that intimacy can grow naturally instead of being forced. You want the relationship to grow from real experiences, not imagined ones. Right?

When she jumps ahead into future “what ifs,” your system reads it as pressure, and that pressure immediately touches your old fear of not being enough— it’s the way a nervous system reacts when it has learned, in the past, that love can be withdrawn at any time or that performance is tied to worth. So, her future‑oriented worries land in a very sensitive place inside you.

And on her side, it sounds like imagining future problems is her way of trying to feel safer — a way of creating a sense of control in a situation that is by nature uncertain. It’s not that she wants to rush you; it’s that she’s trying to manage her own anxiety by predicting outcomes. Both of you are trying to feel secure, just in different ways: you by slowing down and staying in the present; her by rushing to the future.

What you’re asking for — letting things unfold through real experiences in the present rather than imagined scenarios — is actually a very healthy way to build something real. You’re not shutting the door on the future; you’re trying to give the relationship room to breathe so it doesn’t collapse under the weight of imagined expectations. You’re trying to build something steady, not something rushed.

Interesting how I was not aware of this until this very morning 😕

🤔 Anita

Also, me being triggered by her so much, thinking about her 24/7, crying sometimes, show some level of attachment/bond,no?

Hey night-🦉 Confused:

It’d have been better for you if she was calm rather than anxious, and not problem- solving problems that don’t exist yet, as a pattern (which is a problem).

Her anxiety isn’t helping your mental health, and your shutdown/ uncertainty isn’t helping her mental health.

She sounds like an honest, decent person, and I am sorry to read that she has health problems (that likely add to her anxiety and maybe even partly caused by anxiety).

It is possible that (and I am not saying that it is) better for the 2 of U 2 take a break, temporary or final.

Again, not saying that it is a good idea, just noting that it’s a possibility. Maybe your thoughts about ending contact make sense.

Yes, you thinking of her 24/7 show.. well, a 24/7 level of attachment.

It seems to me that the way things are and have been since Nov is not sustainable, that things aren’t going anywhere that’s good for either one of you. It’s like something needs to change.

“Idk how love is supposed to feel like”-

Why do Shakespeare’s words “To Be or not to be” 2B or not 2B.. come to my mind?

Both of you need to feel okay if it’s a love relationship, or at least each one of you needs to feel better together than you’d feel apart.

I’ll stop my spontaneous thinking here and let the night 🌙 owl 🦉 tell me what he thinks 🤔, if he will.

🌙 🦉 🤔 Anita

Hey Confused:

“I don’t wanna lose her but I feel like I can’t keep her”-

The verbs “lose” and “keep”- these are high pressure verbs. What if you can never “have” or “own” a person (so you can’t keep her or lose her)?

“How is it possible to be 24/7 attached and not feel in love and happy…?”-

Pressure to keep/ to not lose blocks in-love and happy.

If you relax the pressure, maybe . Maybe?

🦉 🌙 Anita

To relax the pressure, the Serenity Prayer comes 2 mind: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things (and people) I cannot change”-

You are not as powerful as you wish you were: to keep her, to lose her.. it takes work.. and it doesn’t work.

🍦 Anita

Yes, I know it’s hard when the mind is in turmoil. I so wish your mind will be calm. Not numb but calm 🤍

What would make you calmer, Confused? What would it take? 🤔