Good Sunday morning, Confused 🙂

WOW! What a delight to read this update!

She seems very much emotionally- attached to you, and getting even more attached.

You did an excellent job communicating with her and soothing her anxiety. You are indeed the bee’s knees, Confused!

“Yes, yesterday during the videocall (which was again 8 hours almost and we had fun) … still expect my ‘feelings’ to be around all the time and me wanting to spend every moment with her… The thing now is why did I lose the ‘rush’ to videocall tonight with her again? It’s so annoying that it lasts only for a brief period of time..”-

I am confused 🙂, you mean that “8 hours almost” of fun = “a brief period of time”?

Anita

Hey 🐝’s🦵- I’ll answer in a few hours, just not focused now 🙂

Hey anita

I am trying to be caring and loving with her always, even when im not feeling it. And of course i am honest 100% but sometimes i have to turn it down a notch because honesty can hurt if u are not careful 🙁

I know but i put on myself this standard that i have to be perfect, never hurt her and so on. I think this creates pressure on me..

Our videocall lasted 6 hours (because she had to sleep in order to wake up in 2 hours for work) and we laughed a lot, had many many convos and i was admiring her beauty but because i was “checking it” then it felt “not enough”, damn brain! She’s also gonna book tickets for the end of july 🙂

Something else that seems strange to me is, i was looking at socials of a man mourning his wife (she passed due to an accident some years ago) and while reading his posts, his sorrow and his love, all i could think of was her (the girl i am with) and idk why i do that, it creeps me out sometimes.. Because a week ago i saw on the news a motorcyclist fatal accident and i thought “what if something like this were to happen to me? How would she learn the news? How would she react? My mind makes all those grim scenarios.

Hey 👋 Confused:

“Something is missing”- is it 100% passion for life, 100% excitement that’s missing?

I know what you mean when you say “honesty can hurt”. Honesty isn’t really confessing every thought and every feeling (or lack of feeling) that you experience. There needs to be discernment- that’s part of loving someone.

Why do you think you pressure yourself to be perfect?

“Danmn brain”- funny Confused 🙂

The grim scenarios.. I wonder what Copilot would say about it. I’ll ask him when I get on the computer.

I hope you keep taking the med, I think it’s working and that you are making progress 👏👏👏

Anita

Hey anita

I dont know to be honest. I am still trying to figure it out but passion for anything is pretty much absent yes..

Oh no i am trying not to do that since January but it’s hard because sometimes u gotta say some things in order for the others to get u but i am trying to be delicate and its good so far.

Because i don’t like it any other way, i think i’m not enjoying life otherwise.

Yes i am keeping the med, even tho i am scared its making me numb/flatter i am gonna be taking it for at least 8 weeks and see how it goes, i’m on week two in 2 days.

Copilot is right, my system was always scanning for future loss and such things. But i can’t tell for sure where that came from (i mean specific events), could be a mix of everything.

But nowadays i feel nothing in the thought of loss or love, i guess SSRIs do that in the beginning, i hope it balances itself and i get some dopamine and other hormones in because it sucks like this 🙁

I think im still expecting her to up and leave at any point but im trying to work through that. I remember last year i was imagining us being together and both working hard to build her own dental clinic, which is funny because today she playfully asked me “would u help me build it?” and i was like “wow, never thought she would say this!”

Today i had a dream where i was with another girl (idk who, never knew her) and i was having the hots for her but i restrained myself, thinking my own girl, then compared her to mine (in my dream) and said “she can’t come close, not worth it” and i left. Then i saw some messages of my girl being mad, probably because she discovered something and i woke up, felt really bad, like it’s a sign that i should break up because “why would i dream of another girl??!” 🙁

Hey ✨️ Confused:

Maybe that dream was about you practicing loyalty to your girl, when you come across other attractive women in the future. In that case, well done ✔️ 👍

The idea of the two of you building a brand new dental clinic makes me smile (and it reminds me that I need my teeth cleaned if I want to look as good as this: 😁)

“Nowadays I feel nothing in the thought of loss of love”- 👍 ✔️.

“Because I don’t like it any other way, I think I’m not enjoying life otherwise”- you mean you don’t like or enjoy life unless you’re perfect? 🤔

“I’m trying to be delicate and it’s good so far”- ✔️👍✔️

“Passion for anything is pretty much absence”- when videocalling most recently, when you wanted to kiss her, etc., wasn’t that passion 🔥?

✔️ 🌿 👋 Anita

However, escitalopram is destroying my libido i think.. I spoke with the doctor today and he said wait until 4 weeks and then inform him again. From what i read on forums as long as u are on them ur libido is gone. Which is a huge no-no for me but i will see how it goes, 2 more weeks!

Hey anita

Honestly i can’t remember, although he did threaten my mother that he would leave plenty of times. But i think it’s death’s finality (or breaking up, which in that case u mourn a living person) that hits the spot.

Yesterday while i was trying to sleep i had a huge panic/breakdown idk how we should call it. I started reading about sexual dysfunction in SSRIs (this is what caused the spiral and the what if thoughts) and i got so upset/panic that i was saying “i dont care about anyone and anything, i am gonna stop the meds, therapy and break up, then bury everything in my past and move on. Heart racing, body heat rising, but then i calmed down and was able to get some sleep.
Today we texted for 7 hours again, she was in a pretty bad spot, with the heatwave in germany and her autoimmune firing, she was out of breath just by standing on the couch.I tried to help her and find solutions to alleviate her heat-suffering. We laughed a lot, we exchanged sweet talk and then i stumbled upon a reel. It was animated, a man telling to his girl “thank you for choosing me and staying with me through thick and thin, through my bad days and moods. And i cried for 20 seconds, felt like sending it to her and telling her “thank you baby, i love u”, but i didnt and then the crying abruptly stopped. I even managed to feel some warm feelings for a brief amount of time and some libido with her. I am hoping SSRIs settle down and my brain chemistry returns because they do put a blanket on top of everything. Doctor said give it two more weeks and report back to him.