Dear Annie,

Your initial decisions seem to have been taken from a position of insecurity and vulnerability. It is great that you have resolved to move away from that decision. Moving on is indeed possible and you have taken the first step forward.

Keep backing yourself just as you did when you took this decision. The past is behind you, don’t let it cloud your present. How are you managing your depression?

Dear Lily

Your statements

And in the case of my brief encounter with that man, I fear that I might have hurt him. I probably have. I wasn’t able to give him the feeling that he is loved. He doesn’t want to talk to me it seems. I also won’t call him again, as I want to respect his decision. Even though I wish we could talk at least one final time about what happened.

I’m just wondering about: what did I do wrong? But I know, I should have taken it more slowly. I worry about what he might think and if he is okay. If he is indeed sick? It would be so terrible if he got sick because of me.

These are not the words of a toxic person. These to me are from a person who is concerned for others, someone who is considerate of another person’s wishes, someone who respects others.

About your experiences with your other friends, as you have written there are specific different situations which need their individual solutions. Labeling yourself as not a good friend or difficult person is not a good idea as you work on your solutions.

Glad to know the writing is helping you. It really does by crystallizing our thoughts and helping us see it an objective way. Keep writing.

Wish the best for you.

Dear Lily,

What makes you think you are a toxic person? None of what you have written seems to suggest that. It is only that inner critic in you that makes you feel that way. That voice has been making you feel that way for a very long time.

From the responses that you have got here and on all your previous posts, it must be clear to you that none here think you are ‘bad’. You can change the way you talk to yourself. You had already started noting down your thoughts.

For each thought that calls you out as ‘bad’ look to the reality of the situation. Note down every ‘good’ things that you feel about you, expand on it and with persistence you can win over your inner critic.

When you nurture yourself you are doing good to yourself; when you are good to yourself, you can easily be good for others but being good to yourself comes first. 

Take care

Dear Lunesis,

You may be able to find your answers in your day to day situation. You may have to question yourself hard about what is it that you are missing in your current situation, try and get a specific answer as to what you are expecting out of the relationship that you are expecting to go back to.

Being sad and locking yourself up is unlikely to help you. Looking for these answers may help you; maybe the relationships that you seek is what you already have or what you are likely to get when you start going out.

Take care

Dear Savanah,

It is his loss that he has treated a loving person in this manner. Take care of yourself.

Dear Neha,

How long has this friendship been? What are your expectations from this friendship?

Maybe a healthy balance is what you need when it comes to handling the friendship. I mean a healthy balance in expectations and how much you are investing in this friendship.

The only thing that you can be reasonably certain is what is going on in your mind. With respect to your interactions with her, you will need to do what feels right to you. Given the variable response that you have received so far from this person, it is likely that this person may continue to respond in the same manner.

Confronting her further does not seem a good option as her responses to that have hardly been helpful to you. Staying away to make the other person come to you may not be healthy but staying away for your emotional health is.

Take care

Dear Ayumi,

Hope you don’t mind that I have posted here since you have addressed the post to Anita. She has given remarkable advice as always and you have taken it in a very positive way which shows your sincerity.

As a response to your last post,

Reduce impulsivity by mindfulness, meditation, breathing exercises. Some amount of impulsivity will always be there. Introduce pauses during the course of your day by reflecting on short vs long term consequences. The more you do it the better you become.

Learning to love yourself begins by recognizing that no matter what has happened in your life, you have an intrinsic self worth. Believing that is first and foremost. Understand what it is that prevents you from loving yourself. It could be something that you have habitually been told or something that you habitually tell yourself. Challenge that with realistic and rational statements.

From your example in this situation you have already done that nicely.

What you have written initially is that “I am the toxic person in this relationship”. When you say that to yourself you can modify that to something like – “I am not toxic all the time, there are so many beautiful things that I have done in this relationship. I may have done some things that are toxic but that does not make me a toxic person. Rather I will work at it and do my best to nurture this relationship.”

Whenever you find yourself talking to yourself in a self berating way you replace it with a more realistic self nurturing response. The more you take care of your well being, the less you will find the need to derive happiness and recognition from others.

Hope this helps

Take care.