Forum Replies Created
May 25, 2019 at 2:36 am #295633
Thank you for your reply.
As always your response has been so helpful. I never considered the possibility that the reality is that there isn’t enough time. Rather I was constantly creating more time by fitting in activities as much as possible resulting in frequent episodes of feeling swamped. I keep reading articles on prioritizing and setting goals but it never struck a chord in me till I read your response.
Ever grateful for your thoughtful and paradigm shifting responses to my posts.
Wishing that you find peace and joy in all ways that are possible to you.May 23, 2019 at 11:14 pm #295411
Hope you are doing well.
Of late I have been feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things that are to be done. It is as if there is no time for anything. I find this taking a toll on my calmness. I constantly find myself thinking there is not enough time. What is the way to break out of this kind of thinking?
Looking forward to your insight.April 1, 2019 at 10:44 am #287205
Sharing here some thoughts I tell myself to be relaxed in the presence of people, to be yourself irrespective of who is around you
Take stock of your strengths. It can be surprising how often we forget that. Keep reminding yourself on a consistent basis about these.
Tendency is to focus on what is wrong with you. Shift that focus to what is right.
You may tend to dislike that thing about others which is actually present in yourself. See if you can recognize that and be willing to forgive yourself as well as others for that.
Some people may not be deserving of your understanding and compassion but most people are. They are suffering just as you are. When you are able to see this commonality, you are able to let go of the barriers that prevent you from being at ease.
for those people who seem undeserving let them be; they are not worth your time or effort.
The mind is powerful. It is able to make you recognize that the thoughts are in your head but yet prevent you from making changes easily. The key is to take it one moment at a time – slow yet steady.
Take careMarch 29, 2019 at 10:50 am #286925
When you are trying to change something that doesn’t feel right, recognition is the first step and it happens through awareness.
Something in you says things are not going the way it should. Do a reality check.
Define what you really want. Ask yourself what is it that you want changed? What are the reasons you want things to change? What is stopping you from making those changes?
If you change what are the advantages that you think you will have?
Change doesn’t happen overnight. We are victims of various situations and circumstances, the reasons of which we can only be partially aware.
The good thing though is that when we are aware, we can make small baby steps one at a time, moment by moment in the direction that we want.
When we take a mis-step we need to be easy on ourselves and take it as a learning experience and an opportunity for growth, a reminder to proceed in the direction that we intend for ourselves.
When you talk about inter personal relationships you are adding another person’s complexity to your own complexities. All the more reason to go easy on yourself.
Be true to yourself. Identify the sources of your own happiness, be at peace with your perceived shortcomings. Work on yourself but don’t let the efforts impair your ability to live your life. Enjoy the journey.
Take care.November 5, 2018 at 10:53 am #235563
The overwhelming sensation and the scary place are all too familiar. I totally understand when you say that the pain is all that you feel. But I am certain that with time things will be better for you. Wish you the best for that.
With regards to CBT you can read more on that here – https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/therapy-types/cognitive-behavioral-therapy-0
“Feeling Good” by David Burns is a good self help book based on that. Till you attend formal counselling, this may help you.
Take care.November 5, 2018 at 10:43 am #235561
You seem to be hurting and angry in this relationship and its aftermath.
When you focus on the other person, you are likely to miss out on what your true feelings are and what is right for you. Let go of this one and focus only on your well being.
Take care.November 5, 2018 at 5:58 am #235469
You are welcome. The event in question seems to have been of significant proportions for you to be affected the way you are.
Given that it has been such a huge thing for you, I assume that what had happened then is still impacting many aspects of your day to day functioning. Even anything that is remotely connected to it is disturbing for you.
You seem to have lost the ability to trust and therefore prefer to avoid people. You prefer to be alone but even in solitude you are not comfortable as you feel the situation has also changed who you are.
I am in no position to totally understand exactly what you are going through however I will share some of the things that helped me deal with a life changing situation. In my situation in the beginning I was stuck trying to change whatever I could, to try and get my situation to get back to how it was before the event happened. I was in a bind, struggling between the reality of the situation and my desperate and futile attempts to get back my past. What helped was a gradual process of acceptance, a decision to not keep my life on hold irrespective of what emotions I was going through.
I allowed myself to feel the uncomfortable feelings of regret, loss and hurt but made myself continue with my life despite those feelings. Mindfulness and meditation helped. Seeking and acknowledging the presence of a higher power helped. A decision to let go of the past and make the best use of what I have in the present helped. This is not to say that the pain is gone, I still feel it at times. But it is in the background whereas I function in the foreground.
You mentioned about reading self help books and finding it difficult to apply. Have you tried readings related to CBT?November 4, 2018 at 10:37 pm #235443
but i want to knw whether he text me in future or not
Here your guess will be as good as mine. But it is likely that he will contact you; more so if he finds that his relationship with S is not going well or when he is bored of his other online contacts he chats up with.
What you need to focus on is when and if he contacts you, what is your response going to be.
have to take a small revenge from him ” like he message me one day, i wil ignore his msg.. this wil give me relief,.
This kind of relief is likely to be temporary. And if things repeat themselves with him apologizing and you accepting his apology, then the cycle will repeat again. if it happens, this is going to be in the background of his knowledge of you having contacted his “best friend”, his ex girlfriend and you having used a proxy account to check on him; you can imagine and think for yourself what the level of trust will be in that kind of relationship.
So the question to you is – Do you want that kind of relationship or one with mutual respect, honesty and trust.
Take careNovember 4, 2018 at 10:11 pm #235437
I want to get better.
I MUST move forward in my life
Your intentions are clear and the right ones. Very often we find that the mind seems to know what it wants but the heart is unwilling to follow.
Though the mind knows what is needed, it is often the biggest saboteur that hinders healing. The way we think influences our behaviors much more than we can ever imagine. Once we figure that out we can move forward in our process of healing.
What are the steps that you have taken for your healing? In the steps that you have taken what has been the most helpful ones? What are the roadblocks that you have faced?November 4, 2018 at 8:10 pm #235431
I have also been affected by anger in my childhood. I remember being scared of feeling hurt, fearing criticism and judgement. What helped me to begin with was my education. My focus was on becoming financially independent to begin with. It was after a stabilization of financial freedom that I could turn inwards<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>and move towards better emotional health.
Looking back I wish things were different but that does not give me any gains. Today I make the best use of whatever I have.
Looking back the anger may or may not have been justified. But I know now that it had nothing to do with me. Anger was about the issues that the person exhibiting anger had. I didn’t have the maturity to see it like that in that time. With expression of anger, I used to think that I was at fault in some way. This led to a long period of a feeling of unworthiness.
I hope you don’t have to go through your suffering in a way similar to mine. You have found this site. Try and make the best use of it. Post on different issues that you find difficult to deal with. Be aware of the thoughts that are pulling you down. Remember that you are worthy whatever it is. don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise. Don’t let what has happened in the past hold you down. Don’t live on in a dream from the past and hoping for the same now. Rather look at your present and see how best you can handle it and move forward.
Anytime that I am able to retrace my journey of healing from anger and find something that I found useful, I will share it here with you.
Take care.November 4, 2018 at 10:12 am #235351
The place that you described – “being stuck in one place” “endless boredom with no purpose” “endless loop of disappointment ” “how little i have achieve and how much more i could have achieved” “it all falls apart when things go wrong or when i see how great other people are managing their lives”. That is the place I used to reside not very long ago. I visit this place time and again but of late I don’t stay there too long.
How do I cope with it? what are the things that helped me cope with it?
Many things played a part in that. It was not a dramatic process rather very slow but steady progress. A feeling of gratitude played a major role. Reminding what I was thankful for on a repeated basis helped. An intense desire to move out of that kind of place served as a strong motivator. Working with therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy and acceptance and commitment therapy gave a major push to the process. Mindfulness and meditation practices are what I would call the foundation for this process of coping with these patterns.
It is still a work in progress but definitely worth it to come out of that kind of thinking.
Hope any of the above also helps you in your journey.
RegardsNovember 4, 2018 at 9:55 am #235345
Yes, accessing the inner child is indeed helpful. A child’s feelings of love and affection are unconditioned and unconditional. To be aware of that as we go about our routines is indeed liberating. To realize that this inner child is there in all is empowering for compassion and kindness to take root in interaction with others.
Wish you the best. Ending my posts in this thread for now. Will be in communication periodically.
Take care.November 4, 2018 at 12:23 am #235295
The relationship that you had with him was filled with a lot of baseline mistrust, (insecurity) a need to use a proxy account to check on his behavior, an unresolved prior relationship (his with S), a so called best friend who seems to be exploiting the breakup to top your ex’s indecisiveness, dishonesty and lack of respect towards you.
Overall it cannot be nothing but good news that this relationship has ended and trying to find a closure from him does not seem advisable neither is it likely that you will get it in a smooth way.
It is better for your emotional health not to have any contact with him or his friends. It shouldn’t matter to you what he or his friends talk or discuss about you.
Ask yourself what you want from your next relationship. Take care of yourself in the meantime.November 3, 2018 at 10:27 pm #235291
Your father seems to be exerting a lot of negative influence on you. How is your interaction with other members of your family?
I think it is important to be aware of what is happening when he says something. More important than what he says, it is important to be aware of what is on your mind and the words that you use.
As an example when he implies that he does not believe you maybe your mind is telling you “I am no good” or “I am unable to get things right” etc
No one can affect you by their words completely unless you yourself believe or buy into what is being said. A useful first step is to recognize what is going on in your mind by writing them down.November 3, 2018 at 11:20 am #235263
Every interaction with you takes me a step up in my journey. As I heard my inner child through your words, I was moved in a way indescribable by words. Even as my mind said “what’s the point in this, it is something in the past” and “what am I going to gain by accessing my inner child”, I decided to quiet my mind and just experience and feel my inner child in all his purity and state of tranquility.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.