Hi and thank you for reading my feelings. Maybe you have some insights or advice, it’s very welcome.

I am completely lost, I feel empty and hopeless and I’m slowly sliding into a depression. I know because I’ve had one before.

Ive had a relationship with a man (let’s call him A) for over a year. We had dated once before but only a month before I went back to my ex. It wasn’t anything serious between us, we barely kissed. But going back to my ex was a mistake it only lasted for a few weeks. And months later I ran into A again, i apologized for what had happened, we started to hang out again and eventually became a couple.

We had an amazing time the first three months, I was head over heels. Although being honest, my mind wandered to my ex now and then. A knew my past and that I had had a very draining relationship before and that I was still on the recovery. Not smart of me to jump into something new, still processing. But I like A and he seemed too good to pass up on.

Some months into the relationship A went into my phone and read all my messages. There was nothing to hide or find. He confessed and I was really shocked. Angry, I did the same and I did find messages to a girl he used to date. Very flirty and going back into the conversation he also said a lot of bad things about me to her before we officially started dating. That I was weak for going to a psychologist to process my breakup, quite nasty things. We got into a fight, he said he was frustrated before our dating and didn’t care about the girl but he missed attention from me that’s why he flirted. I decided to forgive him and we continued.

After 6 months into our rship, I made a mistake. Saw my ex and we flirted, he tried to kiss me (didn’t happen). But we continued texting the next two days quite flirty. A went into my computer, read everything and went mad. I apologized but I was angry too, he had done the snooping again. I apologized and said to myself I would do better. So I did. I did everything, was very verbal about my love for him, booked a nice weekend, spent a lot of time, was very loyal, showed all my messages. For 4 months straight. I got angry one night, very angry because I wanted to go see my friends (my ex would be present) and A insisted I didn’t go. So I didn’t but I felt sad about it so I caused a scene. We made up and the next day I caught him on my computer reading all my messages again. I was so hurt, heartbroken. He had betrayed my trust again and I hadn’t done anything, I had been really good even. A week after that I broke up with him.

3 weeks later I called him I wanted to meet up, we talked and agreed to go on a date next week. However I went to a party and me and my ex ended up kissing and having sex. Still A and I dated and I didn’t dare tell him about what happened. I feel so incredibly guilty about this. We’re dating again and I’m hiding that this happened. I feel like a horrible person. A has also told all his friends about what had happened and they say that it’s normal he reads my messages, that he should be allowed to and that it is my fault he has done it, because I created the situation because I quit our dating once after a month (almost 2 years ago).

People are gossiping like crazy around me, judging me, telling people that I’m no good. I used to be very active on social media as well, in the past people have gossiped as well because of a previous relationship (I dumped someone who everyone thought was a great guy. He was but I wasn’t in love and had budding feelings for someone else). So people started saying I cheated (not true) and that I’m all kinds of things (because of the social media and a little succes in blogging). I feel very very very hurt about the gossip and bad reputation and that so many people seem to know so much about my life..I can’t breathe, it feels very suffocating to have people judge and be mean. watching and hearing about my every move. I don’t know what to do.

A has trust issues but he is a good person, I know he is and I love him. But I’m horrible, i’ve cheated by texting and I did something with my ex before reconciling with A.

I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel trapped and bad. Guilty, I don’t deserve anything. I just want to hide. Don’t know who I am anymore. I’m just miserable and a shitty person.

• This topic was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Flove.