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Boyfriend going through a crisis, he's angry and it is/has killin our relationsh

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 19 total)
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  • #223561
    Savanah
    Participant

    We’ve been happy together for 1yr 9 mo. Both of us have good heads on our shoulders , relatively mature,I’m 28 hes 26. He has a kid and has been cheated on a lot in the past. Both of us have morals and integrity and vowed to work on our relationship if there was any issues. This year both of us hit on hard times. When it happened to me, he was there with open arms to support me. Now hes hit hard times and pushed me away.

     

    We had a small argument in which my insecurities came up and I misunderstood his actions and fear made me lash out. I realized what I did, realized I might’ve hurt him, and apologized but he got mad at me. This has been our 2nd missunderstanding ever. I gave him time to cool off. However he just found out some devistating news 2 days later. He’ll never be able to use his foot correctly again. Never run, drive stick shift, or many other things. Hes super active, loves working out, and his job requires him to be physically fit. He’s devistated and has shut the whole world out. He’s angry. I went to see him when I found out (via online, not him telling me) and tried to reassure him that I loved him, believed in him, and knew he could handle this. I wasnt going to leave him. He ended it by telling me to go away very angrily. I was very anxious at the time, not my normal calm self so that didnt help, I know. Anyway…. I decided to give him space to figure things out. I havent reached out to him because I’m afraid I’ll be his scapegoat for his anger. I know men dont deal well when they lose their ability to provide and feel strong and capable. Its been 4 days since we last talked. A part of me is afraid he’ll be mad at me for ignoring him and focusing on myself (and working on my insecurities, etc). A part of me is afraid hes going to end things because a relationship is just too much (this has happened in past relationships), and the other part of me has hope that he will figure things out and feel grateful I gave him space. Anything he posts online has been filled with anger. I dont want to be around an angry person. Im hoping he’ll be himself soon, this isnt him. I know he’s depressed, and its a lot.

    Am I doing this right by giving him space? Has anyone had something like this turn out ok? How do I best support him without having him turn on me or resent me? Will he think I’m ignoring him/dont care and get mad at me?

    #223591
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Savanah:

    What about sending him a message (one that may begin a series of messages/ talks), something like the following:

    I have some understanding about how devastating this latest news is for you. I can only imagine the distress you are feeling. I understand the anger, I think I understand. In context of this happening, I am more regretful than before about lashing out at you in anger before. I wish I didn’t.

    This is what I want to communicate to you today: I want to help you. I want to be that calm, dependable presence in your life, consistently. I can be that person in your life you can count on to always be respectful toward you, never again lash out. Same on your part, toward me.

    I can help you if you need help with (a list, perhaps, of specific physical tasks). I can be there for you as we both, maybe, figure out how to live a functional life with this new fact of life. Maybe together, as friends, or as more than friends, we can make the life available to us the best that it can be.

    -end

    What do you think?

    anita

     

    #223601
    Savanah
    Participant

    Thank you for responding. The day after our misunderstanding I wrote him a letter. I told him I was sorry I acted out and that my actions could’ve hurt him. I explained why I acted out of character and what I was going to do in the future to fix it. Then I expressed how important communication was and how I could work on it as well as both of us. Then told him I loved him and all the reasons I loved him and how I appreciated the little things he did to make me happy. Ending the letter with I know I made a mistake and would like to work on it, and that I’d like to be the couple that works things out together. Plus I’d give him time to think about things.

    #223613
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Savanah:

    Your letter reads good to me except the part I don’t see in it, the one I suggested that you express to him that you want to be that calm, dependable, consistent presence in his life, behaving respectfully toward each other (at all times).

    I can understand you not wanting to be in the presence of an angry, abusive person and strongly believe you should not make yourself available to mistreatment. The part of the message I repeated here, that is about you offering him the same as you expect from him, consistent, dependable calm and respect.

    anita

    #223617
    Savanah
    Participant

    The problem is, at that moment I wasn’t calm and dependable, and no amount of telling a man is going to get through to him. He will believe in actions. I can only prove to him in the future that I wont be that way by being that way. Thats why I’m working on myself now, so these insecurites dont come up or so I can handle situations better. My only hope is that there IS a future. Usually I am his rock and he is mine. This is the first time something like this has happened. He was so angry and cold. If it was just the missunderstanding we’d be fine. But now his life is turned slightly upside down on top of it. All I can do us wait and have faith. While he’s angry he wont take anything I were to say seriously I dont think. But, should I expect the worst or keep hope in my heart?

    #223631
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Savanah:

    In almost two years though you had only two misunderstandings you wrote, and the second one was a small argument in which you lashed out. If you want to describe the lashing out at him, that will be helpful to my understanding. It must have been a serious lashing out, I am thinking, to shake his confidence in you that badly..?

    You definitely are in a difficult situation, and I hope there will be a resolution soon, so that you can feel better, more at ease. I am not very focused now and would like to re-read your posts and any post you may add when I return to the computer in about fifteen hours.

    anita

    #223645
    Savanah
    Participant

    It really wasnt… he made one of his social media accounts professional and deleted all our pics together. Not a big deal, but he didnt warn me. When I saw all our pics gone I thought he was ending the relationship. He explained and I said sorry I misunderstood, but he was angry and said ‘Im pissed, I’ll talk to you later’. He was still angry that night and the next day he found out about his foot. When I went to see him, he was so shut down and pushed me away. Didnt want to talk and ‘go home’.

     

    Looking back it doesnt seem like a big deal at all. In his silence, trying to process everything, should I be reaching out as support? Or let him deal with it and come when he’s got it figured out? I dont want him to come at me later with ‘i havent heard from you, I thought you said you’d be there for me’

    #223651
    Prash
    Participant

    Dear Savanah,

    Hope there is an improvement in your situation.

    You wrote about your letter. Did you get a response from him? Your further communication, I believe should be based on his response.

    With a major event like what you described for him, it takes a lot of time till the person involved comes to some level of acceptance about it. That depends so much on the individual involved. There is likely the thinking that – “I should be able to handle it on my own; at the same time any supportive statements will also be appreciated.

    Maybe periodic communication to check on his recovery and to offer your support any time he needs it may help.

    #223655
    Savanah
    Participant

    Thanks for the reply. The letter was given before he found out about his foot, so our misunderstanding/argument was never resolved. Im guessing with everything else going on, more ‘drama’ from his girlfriend wasnt going to help so he just ignored it. Im the one who went to his house to be there for support (after letter)… which turns out he just wanted to be left alone. Like I said, he was so very angry, angry at the world, and maybe even at me for showing up to ‘help’.

    I texted him today. Just trying to be a light in the dark. Told him some good news I had, that I was still giving him space but had to let him know. And to keep ‘kicking butt’. (Something we say to each other when tackling an obstacle. I don’t expect a reply. Just wanted to send him poz vibes. Im not planning to text any more.

    #223725
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Savanah:

    You asked: “Should I be reaching out as support?” My answer: no, you already did, and you did so adequately.

    If the lashing out you mentioned in your original post did not include you verbally abusing him at the time, when you found out that he deleted the pictures, if it was only you voicing your concern, I am thinking that maybe you’ve been very careful all along to express no discontent to him whatsoever, no sign of anger, and when you did just a bit, you thought you did a terrible thing. Any truth to my thinking here?

    One thing for sure, like you wrote, you shouldn’t be “his scapegoat for his anger”.

    anita

     

    #223823
    Prash
    Participant

    Dear Savanah,

    Thank you for your reply.

    A few years back I discovered that I had a disability which changed the course of my career and life. My initial response was anger and wishing for things to be back to normal. Over a period of time I worked towards adapting to what has happened and redesigning my career to suit the level of ability that I was left with. During all this I preferred to handle it by myself and refused any form of support. Yet my wife was there constantly with me through all this and to date I am grateful to her for this.

    Every person has a different way of dealing with situations and you should do what you feel is right for you.

    Take care

    #223825
    Savanah
    Participant

    Thank you for your story, hearing what its like from the other side helps a lot. I dont think our misunderstanding is enough to break us apart, and I know right now he’s in his man cave just coping and wants to be alone. How can I best support him when I cant talk to him or see him? Did you shut people out and eventually let them back in or did your wife make things easier somehow? Right now I know he wants to be alone. Should I continue to reach out to him occasionally or wait until he gets out of ‘crisis mode’/ depressive pit?

    #223925
    Prash
    Participant

    Dear Savanah,

    Thinking back about that period, it was indeed something like a man cave. I shut people out completely during that phase. The day to day interaction was of course there but in my headspace there was only me and no space for anyone else.

    Keep yourself safe from his anger. Disability is something that changes a person hopefully for the better. In the phase where you can’t talk or see him, maybe thoughtful gestures in the form of supportive statements or maybe gifts that you know from your interactions from him that he would appreciate may help.

    Good to read that your misunderstanding is not strong enough to break you apart. Hope things get better. Keep the one thing foremost in your mind about what is in your control – that is your well being.

    Take care.

    #224025
    Savanah
    Participant

    Thank you for responding. It feels good to know that this is somewhat normal. Its been a week now. A part of me keeps holding on to hope and the other part is giving up and I keep going back and forth. I know I must give him time to work out whatever is going on. But it just hurts that I was the first thing he shut out. I dont want a relationship where I’m shut out. He told me often I was part of the family… I dont feel like it at all right now. Im trying to not take it personally and realize that whats going on in his life is monumental to him, his whole world is changing. I made a list of the top ankle doctors in america and how to contact them, for a second opinion. I dont know if I should give it to him or how… mail it? I’m afraid hes going to push me away again, for good.

    #224027
    Prash
    Participant

    Dear Savanah,

    In no way can you possibly predict how his response will be like. When your intention is only to be of help and support to him, as far as your are concerned, you are doing the right thing.

    I think that is more important to you since you want to be supportive to him. Mailing seems to be a safe option where you are giving him the option of accepting or rejecting it. How he takes it is purely his decision.

    Take care

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 19 total)

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