[quote quote=453831]Hi Confused

Happy new year! 🥳 Did you get up to much over the holidays? 🩵

I was wondering how much time you spend with friends or family socialising in person?

Did you say that your mom died 15 years ago? So you would be very young for that to happen. It’s a massive trauma. I know another guy who lost his mom when he was a kid and he suffers from depression too. It seems to really leave a mark on people.

Another person lost their brother and father and it was very hard for them too. Particularly because of the way it happened.

Hmm well for a long distance relationship, in my experience when you meet in person it is nice. But the distance part is hard. I found it especially sad after a trip ends.

All you can really do is try to connect with each other regularly online. But if you meet the right person it can be worth it.

I think considering everything you’ve been through in life the way you feel is understandable. You have been through a lot, lot more than most for your age.

Trying to outrun how you feel… well it wouldn’t really make sense or be human for you to not have difficulties. Feeling the difficulties, talking about them. Letting them be without trying to escape them. Whilst it is painful, leads to healing. If you didn’t like the therapist it might be worth trying a different one? They vary a lot in quality.

You really do have a lot of trauma to process. 🩵

I suffered a lot when I was young too. It is not easy going through all of the pain but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 🩵[/quote]
Happy new year Alessa!
I didnt do much, stayed at home mostly, no energy or mood to go anywhere.
I go out with 2-3 friends mostly but my mind is constantly on this issue.

She died when i was 21, but i’ve grieved her (i think) and i didnt feel much of a connection to her, could be because i was emotionally numb towards my family before that.
I could be having chronic depression and now it’s amplified, i dont really know.

It is indeed sad, but the issue here is not the distance, its my damn mind and nervous system that decided to pull the plug on this wonderful girl.

I know she is worth it but right now we are both keeping distance because our convos lacked depth and connection (partly her fault too)

I dont really give myself credit for anything, i tend to rationalize everything and say “thats life” but i cant do that now that i messed something great without even wanting to..

I am going to another therapist in wednesday, then to a psychiatrist by the end of the month and will see where this leads..
Thats what scares me, sometimes i believe its all in our minds but i dont know..

I am sorry for that, how long did it take you to get better?

I know i am not responsible for her feelings but i feel like i stringed her alone and then shut her down.
And on top of that i miss what i was feeling with her, wanted to care for her and be there for her with all my love.
I really miss this, i miss what we had and i cant feel it right now, so its killing me.

That’s all nice info anita, thank you again for your time!

Thing is, ive already had big convos during dissociation, also took the trip to visit her whilst numb, she felt good though.
I have indeed all the numbness feelings, but my mind can’t stop ruminating about her, its like it wants desperately to push her out in order to feel better. My fear with this relationship was losing her, so i guess that works like reverse, my mind manifests that fear.

There are moments when i feel fine and like i want her again, but then i remember that i made her distant too and i get numb all over again.
So, low contact will help me? That feels fake/forced to both me and her, but ill give it a shot. If she has decided on what she wants to do, because she said she needed time too.

Hello anita

What do u mean by that?

It scares me and i feel like a clown because just a day ago i was longing for her, felt like i truly love her for the person that she is (i also adored some things on her) and when i was thinking i’m not gonna have her in the future was making me miserable.

Switching so fast can’t be normal..

But i can’t give her up like that, i feel like a fake person. I am 31 btw, haha
Well we didnt have more time and i really wanted to get to know her. Perhaps this is my attachment at play? I think its gonna repeat on my next relationships, so why not try to work this out, she is a great person.

Haha i mean your second sentence with what happened to me

I think i know what u mean but i can’t understand it consciously, so what can i do?

That no matter the “love” i received, affection (there was plenty in all of them) and future plans, i never got this response.

I am wondering if it was just infatuation? I cant tell..