“Lean too much on the approval of people, and it becomes a bed of thorns.” ~Tehyi Hsieh
I remember reading somewhere that the best way to face a fear is through repeated exposure.
In the case of my lifelong need for approval, I have found this to be true.
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted, needed everyone to like me. And not just like me, but agree with and sanction my every choice through obvious signs of validation.
I remember auditioning for a community theater production of Annie when I was twelve.
My older sister, Tara—thinner, more popular, and, by my estimation, more talented—sang before me, and seemed to knock it out of the park.
With a bold, Ethel Merman-like voice and a petite, 5’1” frame, you might have expected to see a hefty female ventriloquist offstage, throwing her voice while Tara lip-synced.
But that was, in fact, her voice. It was larger than life, like her—and decidedly unlike me. I may have seemed like a quiet, shrinking violet type, but you’d likely have concluded otherwise if you heard the boisterous noise in my head.
I believed everyone was constantly judging me, and I was terrified of those thoughts I couldn’t hear.
By the time Tara belted out “You’re only a day away,” I had nearly collapsed into a hysterical ball of panic within a corner of my mind.
I dreaded following her, both because I knew she was superior in every way possible and I hated being critiqued.
Within five seconds of starting my song, I felt a quiver in my voice that seemed like it might have been a ripple effect of the trembling in my knees. Except it wasn’t. It was just sheer terror.
Everyone was watching me—which people do when you’re on stage. And a part of me craved that, needed that. I desperately wanted them to like me, to cheer for me, to believe in me and want me there.
That’s not what I felt was happening right then. I was sure that everyone would laugh at me behind my back because I plain and simply wasn’t good enough.
It felt all but certain in the next instant, when I attempted a belting, vibrato-like note and instead cracked loudly and obviously.
Right then—that’s the moment when I decided that a woman named Sandy, soon to be cast as Miss Hannigan, hated me. And why?
She hated me, I concluded, because she gave me “a look.” Crack + look = repulsion and revulsion, at least to my twelve-year-old mind.
Never mind that I couldn’t be certain that she did, in fact, look any different than usual. And forget for a minute the perhaps obvious alternative—that if she did look different, it may have actually been compassion.
To me, her facial features melted together into an expression of absolute condemnation, and it was the physical representation of what I imagined everyone else was thinking, too: I was a pathetic joke.
Flash forward many years later, and I’d learned to stuff down my insecurity with a long list of self-destructive behaviors, from bulimic rituals to occasional acts of self-harm.
I frequently tortured and punished myself for reasons varied enough to fill more than a decade of therapy, but I think it was mostly an attempt to beat other people to it.
It plain and simply hurts less to be rejected if you’ve already rejected yourself, and you’re already hurting.
I was always hurting.
Over the years, I was less often rejected, primarily because I minimized opportunities. It was a tactic I learned when dealing with intense bullying in school—it’s a lot safer to just not show up.
I remember many times sitting in my room, looking at my window and imagining it was a TV screen. That’s what life outside it felt like—something to watch, not join.
I’ve written quite a bit about the time between deciding to be part of the world and now, but in case you haven’t read any of it, here’s a haiku that sums up those experiences:
I wanted a life
I took risks and sometimes stumbled
And I learned and grew
By the time I started my first blog, I’d come a long way, but I was more “feeling the fear and doing it anyway” than experiencing relief from the fears.
The first time I published a blog post, I watched the comments like the proverbial not-yet-boiling kettle—hoping for a little sizzle but afraid of getting burned.
When the comments started coming in, it was feast or famine. I felt either a rush of acceptance-and-approval-triggered endorphins or the overwhelming anxiety of not being able to fight or flee in the face of judgment and criticism.
It was magic or misery, the experience of writing online—instant gratification or self-recrimination.
And that’s how I knew I needed to keep at it, to share my struggles, successes, and lessons even though I was far from perfect; perhaps I could be good for others and in doing so be good for me.
On some level, I craved the joy of knowing I’d created something others liked. But somewhere inside, I also craved the criticism.
No, I’m not a total masochist. I craved it because I knew that each time I confronted it, I could get better at dealing with it.
As I look back on the past several years, and the almost two-decade journey of insecurity and growth before it, I am amazed to realize I have. I have gotten better at dealing with it.
I’m by no means impervious to feelings of self-doubt, but as a consequence of putting myself out there in varied ways over and over again, out there feels a lot less scary. And here is why that is…
1. I’ve learned that the “looks” are sometimes in our head—and when they’re not, we often have no idea what’s really behind them.
Someone’s disapproval might be completely unrelated to us.
Since we can’t know what’s on someone else’s mind unless they tell us, we can either offer a compassionate look back in case they need it, or take a curious look within to explore our own reaction.
Anything else is a waste of energy—and over something we likely won’t remember for long.
2. I’ve learned that people will sometimes vocalize their opinions harshly and insensitively.
Conventional wisdom may suggest ignoring them—not letting “the haters” get us down.
More often than not, it won’t be about hate. It will be about pain—theirs.
We can feed off that and add to our own, or we can hear them out, look for seeds of truth, and leave behind whatever won’t help us grow.
3. Lastly, I’ve learned that it’s impossible to avoid messing up, and consequently, feeling judged.
We all “crack” every now and then, in one way or another. Outsiders may poke those shattered parts, right when we’re most vulnerable.
But those fissures don’t have to mean anything about us, regardless of what others conclude. If anything, they can mean we have an opportunity to learn, grow, and prosper. As Leonard Cohen wrote, “There’s a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
Equally important, that’s how the light gets out.
Perhaps that’s the greatest gift of this whole repeated exposure thing, the cyclical nature of it all—we’re all on both sides of this coin, showing up and being shown up for, seeing and being seen.
We’re all powerful and fragile, breakable and strong. We each have the potential to hurt and to heal. Sometimes, oftentimes, it all blends together.
And that’s something I’ve learned to like more than knowing you like me: the inevitability of all of us helping each other, whether we intend to or not.
Growth is a consequence of doing, trying, risking, and making an effort, even if we’re terrified—especially if we’re terrified. The fear may never completely go away, but it ebbs, flows, and fades.
So here’s to showing up, repeatedly. Here’s to being seen. And here’s to forgiving ourselves when we hide so we can let it go and then show up again.
We don’t always need to stand center stage. We just need to know we gain more than we lose when we’re open to the light.
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you for sharing this.
My child and I are dealing with a bullying issue at her school. My child is 3 years, 8 months old. She has been bullied in the school, and on the attached school playground for months now. I too was attacked by the mother of the bully, after I pulled my daughter away from the bully and refused to let her “play” with the bully anymore.
I finally reached my tolerance limit, and when discussions with the parents of the bullying child were ineffective, I took the issue to the Director of the school. I pulled my child out of the school in order to protect her from further abuse, and the school recommended that my child change classes even though she has done nothing wrong, other than use words to defend herself in place of striking physically back at the bully as the other children have been taught to do.
After reading your post, I realize that keeping my child at home with me and hiding from the bully and the bully’s mother is WRONG. We need to confront this issue head on with courage, stand our ground, and go back to class and to the playground resolutely and boldly.
We will continue “showing up”, even in the face of adversity.
Thank you again for your empowering message.
Well done on you for realising this – we all need to continue to show up even in the face of adversity.
When my son was in grade four, he was chased around the schoolyard by a classmate, with a knife. The principal tried to sweep it under the rug, but we brought a cop with us, to ensure a paper-trail. The kid got a week long in-school suspension, because being sent home would result in a week of video games & Lucky Charms. My son & I enrolled in karate classes together, and our relationship was rewarded for it. He is now in his second year of college, and the other kid is a local dope dealer, in & out of jail.
We all showed up every day of primary school, refusing to be victimized, just being there, together. I believe it made a difference.
Thanks for sharing! I definitely can relate to this post. I recently started a blog and when I published my first post, I was terrified of being judged. But I forced myself to keep at it and am slowly learning to accept both the compliments and the criticism, and to feel the fear and do it anyway. You are so right – exposure is the only way to face your fears.
“Lovers Keep Loving and Haters Keep Hating.”
Ever since, I’ve started to grow up, I’ve using this principle on many diverse ways. I’ve too come to realize that even if we keep on impressing other people around us, they always have something bad to say.
SO, I believe is expressing ideas rather than impressing people.
Getting out of fear of being liked needs bold and crisp rules.
Some rules you’ve to hold and practice for some period, then it’s no big deal at all.
Thanks for sharing, Lori!
Great story indeed!
Lori-thank you so much for sharing this today! I was so excited when I saw your name as the author again. Sometimes it feels like we share a parallel brain. 🙂 This was just what I needed…
Thank you so much for this Lori! This spoke to me in ways you can’t imagine. I have had such a similar experience in my life, I can’t tell you how much this helps. I’m going to save this and read it from time to time.
– Roger
Love this! I read a great quote recently….”Rejection is nothing more than an opinion. It is NOT an objective truth about who you are.”
This is a wonderful post and one to be proud of. It takes courage to face things, something I very often lack, and it is refreshing, heartening, encouraging to know that I am not alone in feeling this. In truth many people I know would readily identify with the sentiments that you express, although not all of us have gone quite so far in our journey of development.
I, for one, loved it.
I’d love to help you out by criticizing this article, but I can’t. Sorry. Thank you for this article and for this site.
Thank you for this article. I needed to read this today. I am going through a lot of knocks at the moment and am so tempted to withdraw into myself to stay ‘protected’. But a part of me keeps going on. The real critic and ‘rejector’ in my life is me at the moment.And when other people are less than appreciative it just taps into that very harsh inner critic. I am learning to let go of that inner critic and to realise that other people are, like you say, just expressing something about themselves rather than rejecting me. I am a work in progress.
Great article, thank you so much for sharing
Lovely, simply lovely, Lori!!! Kudos to you and thank you for sharing! ♥
Excellent piece! Challenges are a great way to learn, and fully putting oneself out there is something that is still evolving for me also. I heard once “People are not against you, they are for themselves”. Thanks for the inspiration!
Thank you Lori, I really needed this today…after a bad day at work yesterday. Being a new nurse and at a new job has been very difficult. You are right about things being made up in your head, our perception changes when we feel vulnerable because today I feel less threatened and I’m ready to return to work tomorrow, hold my head high once again
Thank you so much for sharing this with us! I’m a 24 year old man and have been dealing with those issues you described since I can remember. It’s limited my life in a lot of ways, but having read your words brought me relief and a will to change this behavior. When I read what you wrote it feels like you are talking about me.
Again, thank you.
This is a wonderful piece about dealing with criticism… but I was hoping it would be more about how to deal with rejection that comes in the form of being overlooked, ignored or marginalized. In a world that is so noisy (especially in the online world these days when it seems like everyone is trying to sell you something), how do you deal with the sense of judgement and rejection that comes from doing the best work you possibly can, putting it out there, being brave enough to show up…. and getting nothing but silence in return? This is something I struggle with a lot. I guess this kind of rejection is also just “in my head,” but it’s also very lonely. Any advice?
You’re most welcome, and congrats on your new blog! =)
I love that, aiming to express ideas instead of trying to impress people. It can be so exhausting and fruitless to focus on people pleasing since we plain and simply can’t please everyone. Thanks for reading and commenting. =)
Nice post Lori!
I remember that I used to always feel judged, even by strangers that I’d just pass in the street.
I didn’t do much about it but I found that when I started meditating it seemed to lessen and lessen. These days it doesn’t bother me at all. Meditation helped me a lot as it let me observe my irrational fears about people judging me.
Cheers
You’re most welcome Roger. It’s nice to know that others can relate–and I’m so glad this helped!
Love that quote! I haven’t always done well with separating belief from fact, but I find I understand this more and more as I get older.
Thanks so much Andy. I sometimes lack the courage, too. You are definitely not alone!
Thanks so much Peggy, and you’re most welcome. =)
Thank you Sarah!
Love this message Lori, thanks for sharing it. I really relate, to the needing approval, needing to be liked, wanting validation of decisions/outcomes and spending a few years really releasing myself of all of that in order to be and live as my true self. It still rears it’s head and triggers me from time to time, but I take much heart in the message you share about showing up repeatedly, and being forgiving of ourselves when we stray. Realising that how people perceive us is really nothing to do with us and everything to do with themselves, has really helped me – realising that we’re all here in this world doing our best to be ourselves comfortably, and we’re all seeing other people through our own judgements, issues and beliefs. Forgiveness of self and of others goes a long way to living peacefully and living fully expressed 🙂 Awesome post. Thanks again. Bernadette 🙂
You’re most welcome. I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I can definitely relate to having a harsh inner critic–and also having it triggered by other people. And like you, I consider myself a work in progress. In a way, that helps me take the pressure off myself. I’ve often felt like I if I am not perfect, then I am a failure. My inner critic feeds on this kind of black and white thinking, but when I focus on progress, it’s much easier to accept myself, flaws, struggles and all.
Thank you for taking the time to write!
Thank you Amber, and you’re most welcome!
You’re most welcome, and thank you! I haven’t written as much lately as I used to, and it feels nice to share my thoughts and engage with the community again!
Thanks Bernadette, and you’re most welcome! It’s always reassuring to know that other people can relate. And it’s so true about forgiveness. When someone’s harsh, if I focus on forgiving them it can prevent or mitigate needless self-doubt. So instead of thinking, “Are they ‘right’ to judge me?” I ask myself, “Can I see and empathize with the pain behind their words?”
That’s so powerful Lori. Beautiful. xx
Thanks Luca! I’ve had a similar experience with meditation and yoga. Both create a sort of mental expansiveness, which goes a long way in decreasing rapid-fire, anxiety-driven thoughts and fears.
Thanks Anna! That’s such an insightful quote, and it definitely creates a huge shift in perception. Thanks for sharing it!
Exactly.
Thanks again Lori
You’re most welcome Gidget. I’m glad to hear you feel better today. Congrats on the new job. =)
You’re most welcome Franco. I’m so glad this post provided you with a sense of relief, especially since I know the pain of thinking in this way. It’s exhausting, and we all need and deserve relief from that.
Hi Ali,
I think I understand what you’re feeling, as I got frustrated when I first started blogging and it seemed that hardly anyone was reading my posts. I don’t know if this will help, but you could interpret the silence in a couple different ways:
1. There aren’t as many people reading yet because, as you’ve mentioned, there’s a lot competing for our attention online. In this case, people aren’t judging or rejecting you. They just haven’t been fortunate enough to find you yet!
2. The people reading are scared to join the conversation. I find that conversation attracts conversation–so once one or two people comment, more are inclined to join. It’s sort of like the dance floor at a wedding–people are more apt to get up and join once they see a crowd because it feels more inviting and less intimidating. So in this way, the silence is less about rejecting you and possibly about readers rejecting themselves.
Of course, there’s a third possibility: some people read but never comment either for lack of time, or because it’s something they just don’t do. And once again, that’s more about them than you.
Regardless of why people aren’t commenting, if you are putting yourself out there, someone is being helped, even if they aren’t yet ready to let you know. Trust me on that. There will come a time when it’s clearer if you keep at it.
I hope this helps a little…
Lori
Wow. I started reading Tiny Buddha not too long ago and this is the first article that has really resonated with me. Thank you so much! It’s such a great message to keep on standing up and going for what we want.
Wow you are a pretty epic dad/mom. Bravo to you.
I can relate to the silence….I spent a great deal of time applying to jobs and heard nothing in return….and this was after working hard/graduating school…. But one random day, somebody called to schedule an interview…and then another…I had 12 interviews total. When it rains it pours.
Sometimes the silence kills and it gives you time to rip yourself apart….I did that…but I work on not giving into those negative thoughts. It was all made up in my head for sure.
Give yourself credit for being brave…not many can do that
Thank you,I think you should write more of these pieces, they certainly help me/others My background/struggles/issues are similar to yours….and it’s nice to be able to relate. I have a hard time fitting in…especially with people in my age range….so I spend a lot of energy/time avoiding situations and people.
Lori, thank you for writing this.
I would like you to know that lately I felt so alone that the only thing to hold on to is by reading your website.
I felt and still feel like an alien and I decided to withdraw myself from the crowd because I fear of judgments.
I have more and more clarity about a lot more things now and the only thing I need is someone who shares with me what you have shared and I feel a lot lighter.
Ouch–this was powerful!! Sometimes I feel like rejection is my middle name so I can totally relate.
BEAUTIFUL!!! Thank you for being vulnerable sharing your experience Lori, you are amazing! Such amazing realizations, insights, and wisdom to share! I love when you said “Since we can’t know what’s on someone else’s mind unless they tell us,
we can either offer a compassionate look back in case they need it, or
take a curious look within to explore our own reaction” and “More often than not, it won’t be about hate. It will be about pain—theirs. We can feed off that and add to our own; or hear them out, look for seeds of truth, and leave behind whatever won’t help us grow.” POWERFUL! Thank you for sharing your light, it is inspiring! 🙂
I know what that’s like, Gidget. Perhaps I will write more on this topic some time soon. Have a great weekend. =)
You’re most welcome, Purna. Are there any people around you who you trust/feel comfortable around? Sometimes even just having one friend/relative to let in can make a huge difference…
Thanks so much. I’m glad you found this helpful!
You’re most welcome, and thank you for taking the time to write!
You’re most welcome, Denise. I’m so sorry to hear about what you and your daughter have been through. I think it’s wonderful and inspiring that you’re going to confront the issue head on. Looking back at my experience being bullied, I wish I had faced things directly instead of learning to shut down and hide. I don’t wish torment on anyone, but the lesson of showing up and dealing adversity is certainly a worthwhile one to learn!
I second Howdy’s comment. I’m sure it did make a difference!