“If you can’t change the circumstances, change your perspective.” ~Unknown
I was the one who was the designated driver in high school and college. I wanted to be in control of how I arrived and left a party. Besides, the taste of alcohol did not please, so it was a win-win situation in my mind.
Then, a decade later, I found myself dating someone who was addicted to drugs. I thought if he could just hang around me, see how I found joy without being altered by substances and bask in my love, then he could stay sober.
In the midst of it, I didn’t see that I wanted to have control over him.
I didn’t see that my annoyance with his victim mentality, blaming external relationships and circumstances for his situation, reflected my own victim mentality and judgment.
And the joy I wanted him to emulate from me was really just tears of the clown, because I wasn’t aligned with my true self.
Pain is a Mirror Image
The pain I felt was a mirror to his pain. He felt shame and judged himself harshly for using; I felt shame and judged myself harshly for not being where I thought I should be in my career, and for the way I looked as I packed on the pounds of responsibility he never asked me to take.
It wasn’t until I gave up on wanting him to change that I found peace. I realized I wasn’t in pain because I loved this person. I was in pain because he wasn’t acting how I wanted him to act. I was in pain because I deemed a specific path to joy and expansion, and he wasn’t taking it.
Accept the Other, Accept Yourself
After I realized that I could be at peace by accepting who he was and his choices, I could finally accept my responsibility for our relationship and for bringing him into my life. I decided to love him for the being he was, and most importantly, to love myself.
My relief was astounding. I started meditating daily and allowed myself to listen to my truth. I let go of the weight of trying to be his savior, and that translated into inches off of my body. It was like dense matter had seamlessly transformed into light.
When I began to love myself, I empowered myself to make healthy choices. Since I knew I couldn’t change him, I figured out that it was my preference to no longer be around that environment. So I decided to leave it.
I understood that he used drugs to obtain relief and to be soothed from his troubles, which is what we all try to do in different forms when we experience that contrast from where we are and where we want to be.
But I was closing that contrast gap for myself, and where I was and where he was energetically could not be in the same space for too long. I was still there for him as a friend, but as I grew one way our phone conversations became less and less.
This man has been one of my greatest teachers. He recently passed away, and ever since I learned of this, I have been hearing one of his favorite songs consistently on the radio, Levon, written by Elton John and Bernie Taupin.
This teacher of mine used to sit in his favorite chair and laugh and cry to that song. The protagonist, Levon, was a man seeped in tradition. He was born poor, and once he started making money, he became attached to it.
My ex saw himself as Levon’s son, who would blow up balloons all day (how his father made money) and watch them fly away. The son was a dreamer who wanted to go to Venus.
My friend, my love, did fly away in his physical form. I don’t know the circumstances that surrounded his death. I think he finally found in the non-physical what I learned to do in the physical—to love himself and find relief.
Getting to That Better Feeling Place
If you too are waiting on someone else, hoping they’ll change and realize their “potential,” and you’re feeling miserable as a result, it may help to do the following:
1. Realize that the only person you can change is yourself.
You can be a guide and an example, but ultimately change comes from within.
2. Accept the situation didn’t “just happen to you.”
You made a choice to enter this situation. When you accept responsibility for your part, thoughts, and reactions, you will be empowered to transform.
3. Accept the person for who they are and where they are.
By doing this, you will be living in the present moment and not putting blame for what happened yesterday and creating stories about what could happen in the future.
4. Connect with the feeling of relief.
Realize that underneath it all, the person is just trying to feel better, even though it might be in a harmful way, and you don’t approve of their choices.
5. Write down your dreams and preferences.
Focus on your inner world and what thoughts bring you to a place of joy. Decide how you choose to live and what’s healthy for you.
6. Be consistent.
And after you make this a consistent practice, the situation must change—either the person will start moving to where you are, or you will exit each other’s lives.
—
I certainly needed to take these steps and learn these lessons. I learned from him to go to Venus and dream. To listen to my true self and to follow a path that was aligned with thoughts of joy and smiles of inspiration.
When I became clear on my dreams and aligned with them, that gave me the motivation to move by the ocean and to take the first steps to leaving a legal career behind. I finally accepted myself. I finally felt like I knew who I was.
I am so grateful for where I am now, and I thank him for nudging me out of my comfort zone and for helping me learn acceptance, allowance, and awareness of who I really am. And now when I find myself thinking thoughts of those opposites, I can now blow up balloons, put those thoughts in them, and watch them fly away—with a smile, in my favorite chair.
About Stacy Ison
Stacy is a student of energy. As a Certified Law of Attraction Life Coach, she guides you how to shift your energy and awaken your inner muse to create the life of your desires. You can read Stacy’s newsletters and find out more about her services at InvisibleMuse.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Absolutely Stacy. I have been exactly where you are. I thought that if I put all my efforts into him, into making him better and ‘fix’ him I wouldn’t need to focus on my life, the big void in my life and forget all my dreams. It was a hard hard lesson. Safe to say he is still in the same place, but after tears and finally listening to my inner self I withdrew. I still love the guy, but I have to love from a distance. Like you say we all try to mask our pain with addictions of some sort, over eating, drugs, drink, TV or anything else we use to distract ourselves! This is an awesome post and yes it’s all about changing ourselves as we can never change or control other people. Once we let that illusion go we can begin to live again and live fully. Wonderfully put Stacy. Thank you
I like this post. I know my guy won’t change but have been wondering why I am so comfortable with him and drawn to him. Maybe it is the reflection of pain I see in him. I like that you benefited from the relationship and I’m sure he did too. I feel the time is getting closer to my guy moving to a more peaceful place but while he is here I am learning from him and enjoying his spirit and love.
I don’t feel connected to my guy at all. What should I do?
I needed this. Thank you so much.
I practice letting go of the need to control him every day and that is when I feel most relaxed. I also realize there’s nothing wrong with him, I just want him to do things my way and it drains all my energy.
Thank you for this post.
You are most welcome.
Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, as within so without. All we can do is change ourselves. We can still love and feel connection, but realize we have different journeys to oneness!
Yes, the pain is caused when we want someone else to conform to us. You can do something as simply saying in your mind to him, anytime it moves you, “I love you for who you are. I love you for the infinite being you are.” And just watch the transformation – step by step.
You can start with your heart’s energy. You can close your eyes and visualize your heart’s energy going to his, in whatever form comes to you – a beam, a circle, stars. And sit with this feeling. Connecting in this beautiful, energetic space does wonders!
Beautifully said. Two disparate energies won’t be in the same space for too long. So, there’s something in you that is in resonance with him. Every person chooses their journey, and we feel so much lighter when we don’t judge it. Energy can shift and transform. So, if you have pain that you haven’t released, remember that doesn’t have to be your story. You can shift it, and you will find the external will come to match it.
Will do, thank you 🙂
Fantastično! Malo govorim srpski 🙂
WOW! Where did you learn Serbian?
I became interested in it because I have friends from former Yugoslavia, and I was having fun learning from them. Then I took a couple of courses, and spent a few weeks in Belgrade. Ode to splavovi!
That’s awesome 🙂 I live some 50 miles southeast of Belgrade. You can drop by for a visit anytime, I would be glad to have you as my guest!
Pozdrav 🙂
Stacy, this is exactly the article I needed to read today. The pain you describe is what I feel for our daughter. Although I love her, I don’t love her addiction and her choices, and I my pain reflects how I feel about her failure to follow my choices for her. For some reason seeing her yesterday made me angry that she hasn’t changed, although I know that it was my expectation that let me down. It is very difficult to learn to let go, and accept that control is just an illusion. I must accept the person she chooses to be, not the person I wish she would be. Thank you for reminding me change focus: to find myself, accept myself, and love myself.
Yes totally. Thank you 🙂
‘The pain I haven’t released ‘ struck a chord with me. Thanks Stacy x
Beautiful post! Thank you for sharing your story, opening your soul, and providing such wonderful insight! I LOVE how you ended the post with gratitude, the last paragraph isBEAUTIFUL! 🙂
Share a little story
Long long ago, the human is very ignorance in that time, they wouldn’t even know what is the shoes.
There’s a king who was always take good care of people in his country, he swayed the large territory. One day, he went to respect for the feelings of people with many ministers in the city and village. They moved slowly but stop often, because the cranky mountain road looks nothing as flat as the royal palace, there was stones and dust everywhere. Before long, their feet raised bloody bulla, so the king though that his people is so hard that they were always walk on this terrible road, as a king, if I can’t let them the see the better days and improve the road problem, how can be a great king?
So, he ordered to collect all the cowhide and sheepskin from the country to cover on the road, if so, he was thought that the road will be flat, however, when the road wasn’t finished a thousandth of all, there’s no enough cowhide and sheepskin, even all the cattles and sheeps was killed out. Then, the king asked all the ministers to give counsel, a clever minister said, “The road is so long that although we will kill ten times the number of the cattles and sheeps, it’s still not enough to finish all this work, there is nothing to be done about this, so how about try to encloses our feet with only a little cowhide? Not only shield our feet like this way, but also the problem can be fixed.”
This story tells us that if we meet the difficult problems, we should not complain the objective environment and don’t solve the problems with confrontational approach, please observing yourself whenever, maybe there’s something wrong with us and we never even know we have the key.
Wow! very well explained.
Self love is one of my fav topics as well. Always nice to see new perspectives on it.
Here is my spin on self-esteem & self love: http://gameligit.com/self-esteem-foundation-joy-peace/
Dober Dan.
This post could not have come at a better time for me, I have been trying to persuade my partner by all means to see life through my eyes, and failing abysmally, fortunately.
Through life’s experiences we are very different. She has rid me of some of my demons, as painfull as it was. One of the last ones to go is ego, still working on that one.
Weirdly I am also in Serbia, Belgrade. as is one of your other commentators.
Hvala puno!
Zdravo! Remember, she can be the catalyst and the mirror to you, but you rid yourself of your demons. Just as you had to make the decision to transform (you could have just stayed where you were, so congratulations!), she is the only one who can transform herself if that is what she chooses. Try not to be hard on yourself regarding ego. We humans all have them. The great thing about ego is that when we become aware of it, and we notice that we fill badly when we are immersed in it, we know that’s what we do not want. Than we can focus on what we do want and create wonders for ourselves.
Thank you! Yes, self-esteem is important. Thanks for the tips on how to improve it. So many things are a reflection of devaluing ourselves and linked to a feeling of unworthiness. But when we get through that journey – look out, world!
You are very welcome. Thank you so much. I believe we can move mountains with gratitude. It puts us into a higher frequency. No matter where we are in our lives, we can find at least one thing for which we’re grateful – it’s all about a change in perspective. Then that feeling will expand from there!
You are so welcome. I am glad my experiences have helped you. Yes, if you can refocus from trying to change her to acceptance, really being in allowance, you can feel a little better and better every day. You might also try to remind yourself what are you grateful for regarding your daughter. That’s a way of getting to that place where you’re just being in love.
You’re welcome!
Also needed this, Thank you! X
I’m so glad it has helped!
Touching story; thank you for sharing…sorry to hear about the loss of your teacher.
Thank you. What I have gained makes me smile, and I hope sharing it helps someone else get to that point.
It has, thank you…:)
Thank you, Stacy. I have been battling with a lover who is addicted to alcohol and makes unsound decisions. I hoped to make him realize his true potential; however he is blind to what could be seen. I have since displaced myself from the situation and am much happier. My joy is mine alone and I can not force it where it doesn’t fit. I found myself in the midst of trying to change someone else. For that, I am thankful to him.
From experience, once you finally realize you can’t change them and you try to move on, they eventually either follow you or completely rebel.
Yes, if the energies are too different, they can’t be in the same place for too long.
And that feels so good – to find your joy within! There are so many ways to get from one point to the next. I’m glad you’re aware and grateful for yours.
Loved this.
Thank you.
This is exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you for sharing 🙂
This is beautiful.
I have this quote by Brett Easton Ellis (a very funny and astute writer) saved as a note on my phone “we buy balloons and we let them go” for some strange reason this phrase touched me. for me it means, we acquire things, have thoughts, fall in love but sometimes we want to see where they will go, what they will do if we do just let go. We don’t need to always hold on so tightly, or forever, nothing is permanent. A bit like ‘the sound of one hand clapping’ but I love it. I can’t say it any better than Elton or Ellis. You can still watch the balloon, when you’ve let go the string.
This is good advice for any relationship. I struggle with depression and am in the process of changing myself. My partner wants to help but I always tell him there’s nothing much he can do besides listen if I need to talk and be patient with my progress.
One way I stay grounded is by reading the blog every day. Some posts touch me more deeply as they are directly relevant to my own experiences or they speak to precisely the thing I am struggling with at the time. Thank you for sharing this. It was very painful to let go of the “balloon” I loved, but I am much healthier now that I am living as my true self.