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Still refusing to let go.

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This topic contains 21 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  anita 9 months ago.

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  • #281749

    B
    Participant

    Hi everybody,

    One year ago I broke up with my boyfriend of five years. We had a very toxic and destructive relationship together in the end.

    We lived a very good lifestyle in all fairness, money was not really an issue for us, we could dine out frequently to nice restaurant’s. We lead a trendy life on the outside but behind closes doors was a different story all together, people soon discovered and I did that it was not all it made out to be. ( Don’t judge a book by the cover ).

    I was 18 when I first met this male, he was 21. We was both very young but quickly infatuated by each other (I assumed). I moved into his parents house. Within 3 months of being together, he came violent and controlling. I started to become a shadow of my former self. Back then I looked at it through naive lenses, I thought this was his way of showing me how much he loved me and cared for me. When in reality we was controlling and manipulating me to his own advantage. I was confined to the bedroom. I used to go to work and straight home to his parents house. If I went out it was only ever with him, or people he choose for me to go out with.

    Within a year I got myself an apartment in a city center, hoping that I could regain some on my own independence, he moved in obviously but I paid for everything so that I could implement my own rules as such, not that he follow these rules and often treated me much the same but still this was an achievement for me.

    Throughout the relationship he was constantly lying and cheating, all of which he denied but I had all the proof. Recently I have been to therapy, who named just a word ” narcissist”  a word I never really heard of until now. After doing much research into this, I found it out to be true. He had all the signs and traits.

    While all this abuse was going on, I became to drink heavily, a bottle of wine a night. Just to make me not feel or for me to stop thinking. I was and still am self medicating. I still haven’t come to terms with the fact someone I actually loved could ever treat me this way.

    I’m now one year on, still drinking, still obsessing and still holding onto the short straws he gives.

    He has a new girlfriend now, another young girl. He still contacts me regularly and we occasionally meet up. Its feels like I am recovering from a drug addiction. I go sober for a while and then need a short term fix just to make me feel “better not that it ever does”

    The last time he came over, I had been out with friends to a bar got very drunk and he came round. He gave a sarcastic comment regarding his new supply as the therapist refers to them. I then got really angry and aggressive, I had turned into him.

    I know my behavior is absolutely unacceptable. I am struggling to let go of the only thing that is destroying me.

    Please if anyone can give any advice or just help me.

    Thank you x

     

    #281779

    Valora
    Participant

    The easiest way to combat a narcissist and to take your life back is to do what you can to strengthen yourself emotionally. Do not expect his behavior to ever change. Set clear boundaries and stick to them. Learn to be assertive without being aggressive. Stand firm. Accept and love yourself, flaws and all. Build your self-confidence to the point where no one can tear it down. And most of all, separate yourself from this person as much as you can and do not let yourself give in. As you build more confidence and when the fact that you do not deserve how he’s been treating you sinks in deeper, it should be easier to let go.

    Another thing that might help is figuring out what he gave you emotionally that made you feel good enough to want to tolerate his behavior and then try to find that goodness in yourself so that you won’t feel like you need him anymore.

    It’s great that you’re going to therapy because your therapist can help you do all of this, so it’s a great idea to keep going regularly. It’s just going to take some time, but treat it the same way anyone would treat any other addiction.

    #281785

    B
    Participant

    Hi Valora,

    Thank you for such kind and encouraging words. Over the last year I have tried everything possible to stay away from him. Changing my number, moving area etc. I have regained control of most things, I have rebuilt friendships, joined the gym, overall made a better impact on my well being apart from alcohol and him.

    As you mentioned about figuring out what he gave me emotionally… I think its rooted from my childhood, my father left my mum when I was very young around one. I’ve never really had a father figure as such, I knew who my dad was and would often see him on the weekends, not that I liked him and most often refuse to go. I actually resented him, one of my earliest memories of him was being abusive to my mom, who I adored.

    When I met this male I think I was looking for someone to actually look after to me and love me as a male as i never really felt that love from my father. I thought he would be a good influence on me but I found it to be completely the opposite. I actually thought he cared for me and wanted the best for me, I was sadly disappointed, he ruined me.

    I hope one day I find the strength to leave this situation well alone and be content.

    Thank you so much for your words and I will re read them to help me through.

     

    Hope you are well.

     

    BX

     

     

    #281825

    anita
    Participant

    Dear B:

    You made the connection between your ex/ current boyfriend and your father. I will ask you a couple of questions in my effort to understand the connection you made better.

    You wrote about your father: “I actually resented him, one of my earliest memories of him was being abusive to my mom, who I adored”-

    I am wondering regarding your memory of your father abusing your mother, was that before you were one year old (the time he left your mother)?

    I am also  wondering about your relationship with your mother in the last five years, why you lived with his parents and not with your mother, and how is it that she hasn’t been able to help you in the last six years in which you’ve been struggling.

    anita

     

    #281837

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi B,

    You’re welcome! If I may ask… how did he get in contact with you again after you’d changed your number and moved?

    I can understand where you’re coming from and why you feel that element is missing. It’s hard when you don’t feel close to apparent and especially when you feel that parent is abusive. That’s definitely something to work through with your therapist, too, especially if you’re still feeling resentment toward your father.

    I think another thing you can also do that might help is read blogs and articles and watch videos on how to find that love within yourself. I know the idea of finding the love that you feel you need from another within yourself might seem weird, but it’s possible, and once you’re able to give yourself all of the love you need, you won’t be searching for it elsewhere, and it will likely give you the desire to actually back away from that unhealthy relationship because he will no longer offer you any benefit.

    Maybe check out some of Kyle Cease’s videos. I went through a pretty devastating breakup a little over a year ago and figured out that I had quite a few fears and insecurities left over from rocky relationships in my past, and Kyle’s advice sort of helped me let go of that old story I kept telling myself and find what I needed within.

    Another thing to do would be to accept that this man cannot give you the love that you desire, so attaching yourself to him (which is what you’re feeling now… an attachment) will not help you at all. I think it would help to read some articles and blogs on how to detach until you find something that really speaks to you. I also had to do this with my ex… I just Googled “how to detach from someone” and started reading until I figured out what might work for me and started trying different things.

    Overall, though, be gentle with yourself. It’s an ongoing and sometimes slow process, so give yourself time and keep working on letting go of him.

    #281881

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi B,

    We can set boundaries with other people. We should also set boundaries with ourselves.

    My challenge for you is to not have contact with him for at least a year. Hopefully he can’t procure your number from friends or knows where you live. Ideally you won’t see or talk to him for a year. (Well, ideally never, but let’s start somewhere!)

    The other thing is to replace your habit of drinking with another habit. I find Duolingo (a language app) for example, SUPER addicting. Do something like that. If your drinking is an actual chemical addiction at this point, obviously, get help.

    That’s a start!

    Best,

    Inky

    #281985

    Jade
    Participant

    Hi. I know how it can be. I know how it is to rerun everything over and over. To ache.

    I can’t really say how to do it. I will share with you what made a huge difference for me. I was so hurt and consumed that I couldn’t sleep and I was crying too often. I was angry. I was sad. I was broken. Every contact I had with him broken me a little more. I felt lost.

    Then I asked why? Why was I doing this to myself? Why was I letting him do this to myself? Confronting myself like that changed something. I decided NO. He was not going to steal every good memory I had of him. He was not going to stop my own healing. He was not going to stop me moving on. NO.

    It still took time. It took me years before I was ready for someone else. It was not because of him though. It was because of my own journey. That night I stopped. I said NO to his control over me. Every time I began to obsess, I would turn that thought into remembering why I loved him and what he gave me. Not what he took away. I focused on why I was meant to know him.

    I have to think hard to remember the bad things. Occasionally, though rare now, the bad might creep in, only to give notice that I am ignoring something similar in my own life. It is freeing to let go. Let go of the bad. Not him. He will always be that part of your heart that made you better.

    Big hugs. You will get there. There is not time limit. Less pressure on yourself. More reminding yourself of what brings you joy.

    #282057

    B
    Participant

    Hi Everyone,

    Its such a joy and inspiration to log on to this site and know people are there. That I am not alone, thank you all.

    All your wise words are such a pleasure to read they are really uplifting and kind.

    In my previous reply I may have confused some, my apologies I type as though I am speaking. After going over my first initial response maybe I need to make myself clearer.

    In regards to the ex, we live pretty close, same post codes, same area. He would often turn up at my place for work. I would go out every single time and fall for this words or fall into the situation that he would get my number. We also have mutual friends whom I assume pass information from one party to the other. Ideal gossip. Somehow I always get lured in by him as he consumes so much of me. My mind and heart.

    In regards to the situation with my dad, I was one when my dad left. I have always known my dad throughout my life, he has been around but never really there as a father figure as such. He would often just turn up at weekends or when it would suit him. I never really has a regular routine with him, he basically was not an inconsistent figure whilst growing up. Very hit and miss.

    The memory of him being violent and aggressive to my mum I was around the age of 6/7 , he as I said earlier turned up one weekend from a football match, intoxicated and the situation proceeded. But it is a vivid memory I have of him, that’s what caused me to resent him among est other things over time.

    Now I am much older and forgive him but we still do not have a father daughter connection. I have to let go of this in order to have a relationship with him, so we can move forward and get to a comfortable place together, as live is too short.

    I hope that has made it slightly clearer. I should not solely blame him but I do think my father had an impact on my choice in men in some sort of way. I don’t know. Maybe the therapy can help peice these things together.

    I’ve not had any contact with my ex now since Saturday, I am going into the cold turkey stage yet again for the 1561654643 time. It’s going to be okay I know its for the best to not have this person in my life as it will always lead to complete and utter devastation every time. Now its the simplest thing to put into action set boundaries for myself. What I am willing to accept will continue and what I do not accept will not happen.

    Tonight I am even having a cup of tea instead of wine which is a shock to the system, fingers crossed I can continue to have tea whilst I write instead of wine, its quite clear I can think straighter. I will take all your encouraging words and put them into action day by day. Little baby steps.

    Today I have booked two appointments one with a personal trainer, one with the hairdresser positive steps. I’ve also got a job interview today for 12th March at a new hospital. I have things to look forward to, things to keep me occupied.

    I hope this reaches you all well, thank you all again. Its such a pleasure to talk with you all.

    In life we are always searching for answers through different outlets such as social media, substances, people, places ect. Something so simple like this talking to people we have never met or seen, we do not hold back what lays within our hearts and minds. We simply off load all this information, feelings, regrets and worries, positives and negatives. All without being judged, without being talked about or laughed at. How lovely to know there are kind true honest humans.

    I may start another topic soon, please if anyone has anything else to share re this topic or a situation that maybe occurring in your life please share.

    LOVE B X

     

     

    #282061

    Valora
    Participant

    I hope that has made it slightly clearer. I should not solely blame him but I do think my father had an impact on my choice in men in some sort of way. I don’t know. Maybe the therapy can help peice these things together.

    Yes, this is definitely common for parental relationships to impact future romantic relationship choices. The good news is that if you are attracted to guys who are bad for you, this can be changed by working through your feelings with your therapist. Once dealt with and resolved, it should be much easier for you to then hold out for the kind of love you deserve, someone who treats you well.

    Stay strong with your resolve when it comes to not seeing your ex, no matter how much your mind tells you it will make you feel better see or talk to him. Your past experiences have shown you this is is not the case, so remember those. Once you get through this hardest stage of the withdrawal and detaching, it should get easier for you. You deserve better than he can give you. Just keep reminding yourself of that whenever you start feeling weak.

    Maybe even write in a journal the thoughts you have that say you should NOT be around him… anything that he’s done that’s made you feel bad or treated you in a way you don’t deserve… then read that journal every time your resolve weakens. It should help to strengthen it up again. Read it whenever he shows up at your work or wants to meet up with you before you respond to him.

    Good luck at your job interview! You really do sound like you’re taking some great steps towards feeling better, and I’m sure those will help a lot, too! And we are always here to vent to whenever you need it! 🙂

    #282591

    JayJay
    Participant

    I agree with Anita’s reply above…

    I’m now one year on, still drinking, still obsessing and still holding onto the short straws he gives.

    Nooooo don’t do that!  It’s hard to let go, but respect yourself. Give yourself a big pat on the back for getting out of there. And more pats for keeping it up and trying hard to build yourself a new life.

    Keep on with those good steps, you are getting somewhere.

    There is only one way to get out of a relationship with a narcissist, and that is to go no contact. Don’t accept short straws any longer. You are worth more than that. He doesn’t deserve your attention, but that’s what a narcissist does… keeps you hoping that one day he’ll change, one day he’ll need you, and so on and so on. Don’t play his childish games. He doesn’t see you as a person, you mean nothing to him, unless he can use you in some way to bolster up his underdeveloped sense of self.

     

    best wishes,

    Jay x

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 1 week ago by  JayJay.
    #282669

    B
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    Its been a full week without any contact. It kills me but I know its for the best.

    It does not stop the mind from wondering though, I am trying my very best to keep busy and focused.

    In the long run it will serve me better, removing myself from a toxic situation can only bring better things.

    Hope you are all well, thanks again taking the time to respond to my topic, I really do appreciate it.

    I hope you are all well.

    B X

    #282673

    B
    Participant

    I need to get a situation of my chest also…

    The last time I seen my ex what a week ago, he picked my up from a night out, I was extremely drunk.

    He wanted to sleep with me, but I never. I know what he would do. He would just leave me anyway like I was nothing and run home and play happy families at home.

    We got into a heated argument regarding the new girlfriend, as said something insulting not that I can remember what. He stuck up for her, which enraged me. How can he stick up for her when he wants to see me? How can I have respect for his new supply when he obviously has no respect for her himself?

    So once the argument started I actually got really mad with him, I chased him down the road and actually hit him.

    I’m so so so disgusted and appalled at my behavior its actually eating me up. Its like tables have turned and now i’m the bad person. I have tried to apologize and even emailed.

    Its the first time in a year I have lost control of my feelings with him, I am still so hurt by him, I could not control myself.

    I feel awful I know this time I am in the wrong. I the guilt is killing me. Being drunk is no excuse for my behavior.  I’m ashamed i’m even telling people but I need to get it off my chest.

    Sorry B x

     

     

    #282675

    JayJay
    Participant

    Hi B,

    Keep it up now. You know you are doing the right thing by going no contact. I know it’s hard, very hard, I’ve been through something similar myself. Once you realise you have your own life back, and you get to choose how you live your life now, that you are the one in control now, things will get a lot easier.

    It’s easy to say, but so very hard to do. You have to respect yourself, and you know in your own heart that this is the right way of doing that.

    Best wishes for a brighter future, and this time a future you decide for yourself, not one that has been imposed on you by someone else. x

    PS. That incident you mentioned above. Well, go girl! You certainly showed him what you thought of him. Don’t think that somehow you are to blame. He made the choice to try and use you to his advantage, while you were in a dark place. You were manipulated.

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 1 week ago by  JayJay. Reason: added a ps
    #282721

    anita
    Participant

    Dear B:

    I didn’t realize you posted Feb 27 and didn’t read that post yet, nor did I read your recent posts. I will read them all in about thirteen hours from now. I can see your received other members’ replies and am glad that you did.

    anita

    #282789

    anita
    Participant

    Dear B:

    I will summarize what you shared in this thread:

    As a child, your father left the home when you were one, but visited on a “Very hit and miss” basis. You have a vivid memory of him when you were six or seven, he turned up one weekend intoxicated and was physically violent toward your mother.

    You are currently about 24. When you were 18  you met a 21 year old young man. You moved in to his parents’ house. Within three months of living there be became violent and controlling and you were confined to the bedroom, going to work and then straight home. When you went out it was with him or with people he approved of.

    Throughout the relationship, “he was constantly lying and cheating”. After a year of living with him you got yourself your own apartment, but he moved in with you. You paid for everything so to make your own rules but he still made the rules, controlling you. Currently he is not living with you, but he lives close by, same area and the two of you have mutual friends.

    Because of the abuse you suffer in the relationship you started drinking heavily. He currently has a new girlfriend but he contacts you regularly and the two of you occasionally meet up. You have tried to end the relationship with him repeatedly, succeeded for a short time but then reconnected with him, like a drug addict who needs a “short term fix just to make me feel  ‘better… Somehow I always get lured in by him as he consumes so much of me. My mind and heart”.

    Last time you saw him, about a week ago, he picked you up from a bar where you got drunk with friends. He wanted to have sex with you but you refused, knowing he would “just leave me anyway like I was nothing” and return to his girlfriend. The two of you got into a heated argument about his girlfriend, you chased him down the road and hit him.

    You wrote that you are “disgusted and appalled” at your behavior, feeling awful, “the guilt is killing me. Being drunk is no excuse for my behavior. I am ashamed”.

    At this point you want to stop drinking, you want to stop the meetups with your ex boyfriend, to end the physical/ emotional relationship with him altogether, and you want to create a good relationship with your father for the first time in your life.

    My input: what is clear to me is that you were a very lonely child, not only did you have a “Very hit and miss” father, but for some reason (you shared nothing about it), you didn’t have a close relationship with your mother. For some reason, you left her home at 18 to live with this young man’s parent, living there with him,  and for some reason you didn’t share with your mother how bad it was living there and didn’t go back to living with her.

    Being so emotionally starved, starved for closeness, for love, it is no wonder to me that you got hooked on this man, as if he was a drug and you are a drug addict. We all need love and when we lack it in our lives for so long, we crave it, and we keep gravitating to what feels closest to love.

    Would you like to share about that lack of closeness with your mother?

    anita

     

     

     

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