Hey Confused:

“I feel robotic, like a shell of my former self”-

It’s no wonder, in my mind, that your former self disappeared almost, leaving nothing but a shell behind.

I would disappear too if I was constantly being questioned or interrogated: ‘you don’t want her? You don’t crave her? WHY? ..?..?..?’

It’s this obsessive questioning.. it’d tire anyone, would make anyone disappear (not wanting to be present for the exhausting and annoying ongoing interrogations).

🤔 Anita

I guess u are right about the first thing because i havent stopped doing that since november, i’ve choked my feelings 🙁

U mean the receiving love part or the last thing that u said? So that obsessive questioning pushed away the feelings for anything and everyone, right? Btw, i’ve watched some videos from Awaken into love about ROCD and what she says (Kiyomi) about her personal story (and some of her clients), oh how i could relate to all of those things!

We havent talked in two days and while i constantly think about her, saving stuff to send her, i don’t initiate contact. And i remember doing that when we were perfect too, if we didnt talk for like two days, i would eventually expect her to text me, like something holding me back. I also remembered that i was constantly analyzing our connection with chatGPT and google, checking if what she said to me (the context, the words) were good/positive, if i said something wrong and so on.. I really had forgotten about this part, which correlates with the current situation. I don’t remember doing that in any other relationship.

Also, while i was giving myself a haircut before, i had a thought me texting her out of the blue that “i wanna end things because i can’t keep doing that and i don’t deserve her because i can’t give her what she needs” and the image of her (In my mind) opening my notification and being excited, about to read something funny from me, switching to being shocked/sad and me breaking her heart devastated me, i started crying and i felt like i definitely don’t wanna do that. All that crying lasted for about 1 minute and then it was as if nothing had happened.

Hey Confused:

In regard to my theory (mentioned in my last post) I was referring to not receiving love (at least not consistent, dependable love) growing up, so you weren’t used to being on the receiving end of love that you can trust (to not end in hurt at any time)

Fast forward, this young woman showing you consistent, dependable love and you are bamboozled (I am not sure this word fits here, but it better because I just love that word 😏).

Anyway, you are not used to what she offers you (consistent, dependable love), you don’t trust it, you’re caught unprepared, so you keep preparing to end it.

Now, this theory doesn’t explain everything neatly (I “hear” you saying ‘But’), but sincerely, I believe it to be true 👍

Constantly checking with AI if what she said to you in context was good/ positive and if what you said to her was wrong- that’s difficult to live like this. I am sorry 😔

My understanding is that you don’t trust LOVE- not hers and not yours (being afraid to hurt her).

Overall, again, my impression over the months is that there’s real love here on both sides, and that on your part, you don’t trust it.

What happens next, I don’t know. I hope therapy helps. I hope you do the work with the CBT therapist and that it’d make a big difference (in small accumulating increments, one day, one step at a time).

🙏 🤍 ✨️ Anita

Well, dear Confused, I don’t think it happened suddenly because stress has been building up “since the beginning” (you checking and analyzing the interactions with her). I suppose stress built up over time.

I mean, it wasn’t calm & happily-ever-after and then.. BOOM.

I said that you don’t trust your love for her because you’re overly afraid to hurt her (you said that many times). As in something hurtful or harmful can come out of your love for her.

I 👍 it that there’re 2 🙂s and only 1 😔 in your message right above.

🙂 Anita

Hey, Confused:

I used to be big into labels like rocd. Now I see these labels can be in the way, complicating things.

There’s no rocd disease people are born with.

Simplified, there is fear, a primal emotion. Fear of being hurt, of being terribly surprised (again) by something that hurts real bad, something you didn’t expect.. when you were a child- that tender, sensitive, vulnerable, pre-label time.

And in adulthood you read on reddit and you Google and find labels and stuff when truth is much simpler. A scared little boy, a scared little girl, not wanting (really not wanting!) to get that badly hurt again.

My 📱 battery is only 3% charged. Sadly, I forgot to charge it and no cable available where I’m sitting 😞

Will charge and B Back in the 🌄

🌙 Anita

1% charge (see my above message( Power 🔋 dying… Ahh. B Back Sun morning

Good 🌄 Confused:

📱 is 100% charged 🙂

Well, the pre-label for ROCD is fear.

How can you WANT her and then NOT?

Think of WANTING 🍦 (my favorite is vanilla with hot fudge 😋 on top). I eat it and then 20 more, within a short time. I end up 🤢 vomiting.

Vomiting means that the body really does NOT want it anymore.. after really, really wanting it before.

You recover and a few days later, you’re offered same 🍦. Your body remembers the vomiting and can still taste it, and you’re thinking: ‘I used to really, really WANT 🍦. Now I don’t. It’s so confusing!’

Or if you really, really love 🍕.. well, same thing 🙂

😋 => 🤢 => ? Anita