Mikaylia,

Common therapeutic wisdom is to never start a new relationship until the current one is totally over.  The rule-of-thumb is to date one year (4 seasons) after the divorce has been finalized (not after separation), i.e. divorce papers have been signed.

You both cheated (I am assuming that neither respective still-married spouses knew about the affair) which made a shaky foundation for a new relationship to begin with.  This is an observation not a judgement.

I would think that if the relationship hinges on whether or not you ask him about your things then it is not a strong relationship to begin with.  Having clear and empathetic communication in any relationship is key.  If his way to communicate is to avoid, shut out, and ghost then that makes for a sucky way of having a close and caring relationship. However I do not think that is the reason.

His pulling back probably is his realization that now he is single that he is free to figure out who he is without a partner.  This is why therapists recommend a year after the divorce so that the person can freely and fully explore who they are as an unattached individual rather than being tied to another person/partner.  There also has to be a period of separation and grief regardless of how “done” they were with the marriage.  It is still quite an adjustment not to be married anymore especially if you were married for a long time.

Mark

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Mark.

apple-slice,

You have been in a LDR for only a few months?  How long did you know him in-person?

I see that you were not together (face-to-face) long enough to establish any sort of relationship foundation where you really get to know each other.  We get to know each other via activities where we interact, via different situations and environments where we not only bond but also where we get challenged and have our differences come up.  We get to know each other not only with words but our body language and energy.  We get to know each other by observing how each of us react/respond to such differences and different situations that crop up along the way.

How we act and behave is limited over the phone/Skype for that is only from the comfort of each of our bedrooms, sitting in front of a camera.

You want advice?  I would not look at him as a boyfriend for the reasons I stated.  You can have him as a sometimes friend to talk with occasionally but if you want someone more emotionally intimate and a person to share things with then find an in-person boyfriend.

Best,

Mark

Holly,

How to increase your self-esteem?  There are tons of self help books and online articles that can help you in this area.  Plus I’m sure there are people here who can chime in on tips and practices for this.

Best,
Mark

Adam,

I am sorry for your pain.  I wonder how old are you and her?

Are you still hoping that there will be a relationship with her?  How realistic is that considering that her father has such a negative and strong influence over her life?

I suggest getting some help for yourself in order to understand why you are so attached to this woman who has such issues that is preventing her to fully live a healthy, independent adult life.

Mark

Holly,

It sounds like you don’t have a good self image, that you don’t value yourself.  Your worth is not dependent on another man.  anita and Peggy have great suggestions.

I believe if we feel good about ourselves, value ourselves, love ourselves then that shines through and those around us are attracted to who we are.

Mark

Natalie,

I am sorry for your pain.  You are going through this transition of loss (again).  How do you go on from this?  This is the period of grief.  Be gentle with yourself.  Nurture yourself.  Be OK with sitting with your pain, your grief.

When you find your way on the other end of that tunnel then work on ways of loving yourself by acknowledging that you are enough.  When things don’t work out, there is a reason for that.  It just means that you two are not compatible.  As you noted in the first line of your post, he had his doubts.  You experienced having to look over your shoulder for blame and meanness “just for the heck of it.” Those are not behaviors or signs of a healthy relationship.  To try to be somebody else for another person means that you don’t find yourself good enough.  There is where your work needs to be, to love yourself.  Your  (our) worth is not dependent on another person.

Find yourself a therapist, not only to get through this transition but also to start working on yourself.  anita is very good at probing people’s family of origin to ascertain where this sense of unworthiness comes from.

Take care,
Mark

Marie,

It seems like you are well informed and well grounded in yourself.  The question is whether you care to put yourself back into a world, however indirectly, of such dysfunction.

I don’t think you can pretend that whatever is going on with your finance can be separate from your life.  No matter how much your set your own boundaries with this woman, you are going to be affected via your finance and his relationship with his mother.

I think it is a fantasy that he will be able to separate himself despite therapy since he has this life long relationship with her.  Months or even years of therapy probably won’t undo the patterns of behavior ingrained within him by her.

You said Maybe I can eventually help him set clear boundaries with her. He is going to therapy now about that and other things and he seems more calm. But there is also a possibility that he allows this dynamic to play out until one of them dies or moves so far away they rarely see each other.

That is a classic mistake by partners, i.e. that you can help change him.  I enter into relationships as “What you see is what you get.”  If that is who he is now then don’t expect him to change.  Don’t marry on a possibility of change.

Mark

Marie,

Good that your fiance is open, understanding, and aware of how his mother is without sugar coating her behavior or justifying it.  And even with the knowledge that you will leave him that you will leave him if those boundaries are crossed, that is not the way of entering a marriage.

The point of dating and being engaged is to “try out” the relationship.  If he cannot hold the boundaries and if you cannot witness her steamrolling him during the engagement period then you have your answer whether or not to set a wedding date or not.  I would not do so until you have gone through a long enough period to see how you can stand her in your/his lives.

If you two have children then there is a good chance you two will see her more often so she can be with her grandchildren.  Her contact and interactions with you will increase.  Think of that.

Mark