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LDR is making me feel insecure

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 5 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #301523

    apple-slice
    Participant

    Hello there people of tinybuddha! I need some advice from you.

    I’ve been in a long distance relationship with a guy for a few months. He’s an amazing person, makes me feel loved, comforts me and reassures me when I need it. I am an insecure person and am trying to change that. The thing is that I have felt insecure before in this relationship but after meeting up with him I realized that there was nothing to be afraid or doubtful of. Then he went back to his country and after a while the insecurity came back and might have doubled on some level. I’ve been feeling dissatisfied lately and I don’t know if its because of my overthinking/anxiety or him not giving me undivided attention. We spend time together (phone calls, skype calls, watching movies together etc) but when we don’t he doesn’t really give me his undivided attention. On those days it seems like I come as second regarding everything. I understand that he needs time alone and his own space but it would be nice for him to be fully there for at least 30 minutes. I am sensitive when it comes to him and get hurt by the smallest things. We sometimes discuss these things but other times I let them slip because I feel like I might be acting irrational. Lately its been kinda rocky for me and I don’t think he has any clue how bad it actually is for me. I have explained how I feel but I don’t think he quite understands? Or maybe doesn’t think I need as much reassurance as I do. I understand that i should communicate my feelings but it would be nice if he asked me about my emotional state regarding our relationship but at the same time I can’t tell if i am being emotionally dependent on him and expecting him to take full responsibility for my feelings. To be quite honest I have a hard time drawing healthy boundaries because of how I grew up (chaotic, toxic household) So super confused. Have been thinking of taking a break from this relationship to clear my head because its been driving me insane at times. The constant overthinking and insecurities.

    #301537

    Mark
    Participant

    apple-slice,

    You have been in a LDR for only a few months?  How long did you know him in-person?

    I see that you were not together (face-to-face) long enough to establish any sort of relationship foundation where you really get to know each other.  We get to know each other via activities where we interact, via different situations and environments where we not only bond but also where we get challenged and have our differences come up.  We get to know each other not only with words but our body language and energy.  We get to know each other by observing how each of us react/respond to such differences and different situations that crop up along the way.

    How we act and behave is limited over the phone/Skype for that is only from the comfort of each of our bedrooms, sitting in front of a camera.

    You want advice?  I would not look at him as a boyfriend for the reasons I stated.  You can have him as a sometimes friend to talk with occasionally but if you want someone more emotionally intimate and a person to share things with then find an in-person boyfriend.

    Best,

    Mark

    #301573

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi apple-slice,

    Long distance relationships are seldom worth the trouble. It’s not a *real* relationship, in my opinion, unless you see each other in person several times a year. It is akin to pen pals in the old days. You are close to him, but only on a certain level, and only in two dimentions.

    Strive for real and local.

    Best,

    Inky

    #301661

    anita
    Participant

    Dear apple-slice:

    Welcome back! So you met him in person for the first time and it was a good experience, good thing. Regarding your insecurity in the LDR context, wanting his undivided attention, reads like you want too much from him, that is, he can’t fix your anxiety and insecurity. Even if he gave you his undivided attention and reassured you repeatedly and frequently, all it is likely to take is one time that he is unavailable and the anxiety is back.

    One solution is to take a break from this LDR, but if you return to it, the same anxiety is likely to return.

    Best bets for you is to be in a relationship with a man who is local, a man who needs and wants to see you often, one who is predictable and reliable, while even in these favorable circumstances, you will still need to manage your anxiety, to not expect or ask or demand of the man to fix it, to take the anxiety away (he can’t and likely has his own anxiety!)

    I hope to read more from you.

    anita

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