felt disrespected, dismissed, at work..

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 11 months, 1 week ago.

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    me myself and i

    I need advice for approaching this character at work. I don’t know where her defensiveness comes from because I never disrespect her, or got in fights with her at work. From the moment she got there, she would get defensive about general talk about work. I work in a hotel where you constantly have to communicate about the status of the place, the state of the rooms, the occupancy, the, the state of things at the front desk. Etc. It doesn’t matter what.. if I am trying to communicate with her, she takes it the wrong way, gets defensive. I don’t know where this comes from. It started off just normal communication. Then somewhere.. aggravatingly started becoming defensive with some kind of curt reply. It’s like she wants to get a reaction, and is trying to throw all kinds of things at you to get the reaction she wants. I’m not going to do this though I don’t get paid enough to deal with drama… Or get caught in something like that. So I tried to bring it up with saying we need to talk, find some kind of understanding. Her reaction is to point out things I’m doing wrong, or dredge up a whole discussion about why I’m “incompetent”. She actually went as far as calling me a waste of space, and goes on to describe this huge whole imaginary picture about how awful I am to have at the job. It is really character assassination and I don’t know where it comes from, because before this job we never knew each other.  I’d known her in a really business casual way for about a month……. Though since the whole thing started she’s always waiting for a chance to point out something I did wrong/ am doing wrong. It feels like ..literally pointless random joyride antagonism…if you can’t communicate about little things how can you work together, how can you get anything done at all. Like maybe its a game to her, she’s bored, so she picks out a person and let’s it all get ugly it doesn’t matter what it’s in the middle of or how little I get paid to care.

    Anyway I try to find the words to explain this to my boss, and I’m too tired/ blown away to correctly explain what’s going on. Or also I couldn’t see it clearly at the time. He proceeds to lecture me about something because he wants to avoid confronting it.

    Somehow… in person I’m not good at disputing my case when it’s about //a job// and it’s //my boss//. I feel like I can’t get the words out right, or that I can’t get a word in at all. Somehow I refuse to be let it be that way this time. I feel really disrespected and dismissed, I’m furious because it doesn’t feel like a safe place to work. I rarely have run ins with people who bring this much bs to a job.

    How can I bring it up and feel //confident//?

    What do I say and what don’t I say, of what I’ve said here? I’m too uncomfortable bringing this kind of thing up to a boss to think clearly in the moment I HATE dealing with this kind of thing? But I know if I don’t it will continue to happen, I can’t perform well in a place like this. I just know she’s going to try and twist words against me with my boss, I have to consider that first.

    Unfortunately I can’t leave I need this job.


    All advice is really appreciated, thanks.



    me myself and i

    Also.. it feels so odd !! because right in front of him, she admitted to me (and him) “yeah I did call you a waste of space!!” And he doesn’t even say anything. He continues to lecture me in front of her about this one topic over and over ‘dont go up and check the rooms after three’ even though often the rooms aren’t done until well after three, and since he exclusively asks me to do it, I know I will get in trouble if there is something wrong …

    Ithis whole thing just makes me feel really dismissed, the whole point, is that no matter the circumstances she went too far, goes to far bringing the disrespect and antagonism to work. //// I don’t get paid enough to deal with this///////




    Hello ‘you’,

    This sounds awful for you.  Are you two both working on the same level or is one of you in charge of the other.  Are you incompetent?  Is she?  Sometimes people behave like this because they are insecure.  How long have you been in this job?  Surely, if you were that bad at your job, your boss wouldn’t have kept you on.  You are being undermined and, if you no longer feel safe, then chances are you are being bullied.  This is a serious issue and should be dealt with more appropriately by your boss.  A ‘happy’ hotel needs ‘happy’ staff.

    Are records kept as to what time rooms are cleaned.  Can you demonstrate to your boss that there is a need to check rooms after 3.00 p.m. sometimes.  It might make things easier if this could be done on a more co-operative level.  If he refuses to give his permission knowing that his request is unreasonable, then it would be extremely unfair of him to blame you later.  It sounds as if you are doing your best to be conscientious in your work and this makes you a very valuable employee – not everyone has this desire.

    As you need this job for the time being, your boss has a certain amount of power over you which is why it makes it difficult to raise these issues.  Perhaps you could obtain a book on “How to be Assertive” and practise some of the exercises in the safety of your own room until you feel comfortable with them.  It might give you a little more confidence to handle the situation better.

    It might help if you were to write down the things that are really troubling you about this person or your job.  It is really important that you stick to the facts.  State your case as clearly and honestly as you can and next time you talk to your boss, you will be much better prepared.

    I hope it goes well for you.








    This is a hostile work environment.  Start documenting every instance that this happens with dates, times and anyone who is around to witness.  Especially to make sure to capture what your boss says or does not say.  Even use your phone to record if you can.

    Check out your rights in your state.  Find out what department or agency can help you in this. Look at your hotel’s written/published policy on harassment.  Report your findings to HR noting who in HR you are contacting.

    The other approach is to ignore her and don’t take what she says personally.  See the Four Agreements on that.  If her behavior interferes, i.e. not giving you the information you need for your job then you cannot ignore her and look into building a hostile work environment case.

    Good luck.



    Dear me myself and i:

    Welcome back.

    “I try to find the words to explain this to my boss.. I couldn’t see it clearly at the time…in person I’m not good at disputing my case.. I feel like I can’t get the words right”-

    – better dispute your case in writing. When you are no longer at work, but alone and calm enough at home, in front of the computer- type away your case, see it on the screen, edit it, make it factual and easy to understand, print it, have a copy for yourself and hand a copy to the person/s you want to communicate with.


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