Also.. it feels so odd !! because right in front of him, she admitted to me (and him) “yeah I did call you a waste of space!!” And he doesn’t even say anything. He continues to lecture me in front of her about this one topic over and over ‘dont go up and check the rooms after three’ even though often the rooms aren’t done until well after three, and since he exclusively asks me to do it, I know I will get in trouble if there is something wrong …

Ithis whole thing just makes me feel really dismissed, the whole point, is that no matter the circumstances she went too far, goes to far bringing the disrespect and antagonism to work. //// I don’t get paid enough to deal with this///////

it was extremely confusing. very negative. b/c …it was constant combat. i came up with attachment disorders,  being adopted. they couldnt handle it. i couldn’t either. it makes everything extremely confusing. you have it since your a baby.  you can’t remember why uv extremely insecure attachments, depression

the ONLY things that make me feel whole are art/ god

pple hate  because you’re an extremely complex, rigorous personality

they hate that you put sooo much ungodly attn into detail, quality and honesty

but its just part of getting your mind back

whatever that means

i worked so fucking hard to scrape all my things neatly together

im just a failure artist tho

why do ppl even care to put so much effort into keeping me away from freedom and simple work obsessed happiness

why do they try sooo hard to get me to kill myself

im just going to find other ways too feel creative high and ‘rudely, shamelessly’ ignore them

i dont know, i have extreme trust issues after something else that happened to me

i know there are certain people you can trust absolutely…but they’re elusive.  most people .. i dont know what their motives are

a LOT of people maliciously stalk and try to ‘bully’ me now and im having none of it

i refuse to be upset for anybody, or even acknowledge it

i get into heavy heavy heavy meditation and journaling 24/7 now

im really conflicted about how to process my hatred of ppl now

i have my own beliefs, conflicting with others, (southerners) im very ‘radical’, but mostly i want independence, my mind and pride back, i dont want kids or family just PEACE, my art, my writing

reeeeally conflicted about ppl, they’re very nasty

im very isolated

what are you SUPPOSED to do when 90% are like this

like they allll fucking demonize you?

im extremely used to isolation, but loathing ppl is new

i didn’t used to until this happened to me

so many things

i refuse to kill myself REFUSE i clawed like mad to escape

so fucking hard

i dont want to become angry/hateful but ppl are such vampires

yes. for the sake of this thread, here’s the following. she’s my mother. yes she sold my car, i still owe money on it.

i mostly feel really alone, like everything is there to screw me, after the stalking, i don,t trust v well, and the “precarious house of cards” feeling is huge.

most of my 20s spent trying to get rid of depression and anxiety, surfing from job to job due to paranoia.

then i actually learned to manage the stalking, but the precarious feeling is still there, it feels futile to try anything, but i do and look only at the good, and what i can do now. sometimes it feels like screwing myself over though.   fyi i have 50k in student loans, blew my savings on a hotel looking for a new place, no retirement, but im not alcoholic, dont do hard drugs, or have other addictions…

just this revolting precarious mentality is whats left. lmao why do i do anything, or bother i should shoot myself while im ahead, but art/ writing keeps me going. as  i can turn depression and anxiety off like there’s a switch but…rage at things is hard to turn off. i put 150% into everything then ..

• This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by me myself and i.