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New beginnings?

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Peggy 3 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #301381

    Gen7171
    Participant

    My ex bf & I have decided to give things a second try. *a little background//we tended to both feel unheard and I would shut down making him feel alone. Things would be worse bc I would always cry easily. Making him always seen like the bad guy & me the victim.* we love each other, want each other to grow & want to be there for each other along the way. We decided together that space is needed, but are trying to fix things while growing.

     

    How do I learn to be more open, patient, & not so quick to react to everything he Says? Has anyone been in a situation where you took a break, but came back together stronger the second time around?

     

    Lots of love,

    Gin xo

    #301409

    Raju
    Participant

    Gen7171,

    There is a proverb “Once bitten twice shy”.  The same formula applies in relationship as well.  You are giving a second try to your relationship.  You must keep in mind those things that went wrong earlier and what are things now which made you think to give a second try.  That means there are bonafide reasons and grounds to come to the belief things can be re-fixed for a second try!

    <How do I learn to be more open, patient, & not so quick to react to everything he Says> To be patient it requires constant amount of practice.  You can do it by by delaying your immediate reaction that would give you a more clearer and better picture subsequently.  Importantly, remember that once the words are spoken, we cannot take it back, even if we wish; so always think twice before speaking anything.   Bad spoken Words leave scar in others heart permanently so think judiciously before uttering them!  Secondly, always give space and time in relationship to understand things more sensibly.

    All the best!

    #301465

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gen7171:

    “How do I learn to be more open, patient, & not so quick to react to everything he Says?”

    – can you give two examples for what he said in the past, and how you reacted (in any of the ways you listed: “shut down… always cry… Making him always seen like the bad guy & me the victim”)-

    When I have these examples, I can suggest a “more open, patient” and thoughtful alternative reaction.

    anita

    #301487

    Mark
    Participant

    Gen7171,

    So both of you feel unheard?  that you shut down and/or cry? that you are impatient and quick to react?

    My question is that are you that way only with him or with other people in your life?  under other circumstances?

    Mindfulness is a great way of slowing down, be non-reactive, and more patient.

    I don’t see your second time around relationship being any different unless either of you are acting differently.

    Remember you cannot change him.  You can only change yourself.

    Mark

    #301567

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hello Gen7171,

    Congratulations for feeling enough for each other to want to work through any issues that you have.

    It sounds that you are blaming yourself for a lot of this problem.   It takes two.  We all learn to talk at a very early age and have a pretty good command of our native language by the time we are about five.   You had to do a lot of listening to get to the point where you could speak fluently.  You had listening skills once.

    Sometimes conflict happens because of the way things are said rather than just the words that are used.  For instance, do you/he blame the other person instead of blaming the behavior?  Are these conversations on an aggressive footing?  Are they confrontational?  All these things are capable of producing emotional outburst, crying and shutting down.

    So both of you need to be heard.  Here’s what you do.  Prepare yourself.  Get two chairs.  Get a timer.  Decide who goes first – it doesn’t matter.  Give each other two minutes.  Step 1)  Let your boyfriend speak for two minutes and don’t under any circumstances interrupt him.  Let him say what he wants to say.  Reverse the process – you speak for two minutes without any interruptions from him.  Step 2)  Feed back to your boyfriend what he has said to you.  Get your boyfriend to interpret what you have said to him.  Step 3) Notice how each of you react to Step 2.  Does it change things by being on the receiving end instead of the giving end of the same conversation.  Has something been misinterpreted in your respective minds.  Has it thrown up any clues as to how you can improve the way you talk to each other?

    (You might not actually be able to speak for two minutes but that doesn’t matter.  Just take that amount of time regardless.)

    You can repeat this exercise as often as you want to.  Your cue will be the next time you have a “shut down” moment or you don’t think you are being heard.  Return to the subject when you are in the right state of mind (next day, next week or whenever) and see what happens.  I know that this takes an awful lot of courage but will pay dividends in the long run.

    It might be helpful for you to learn some relaxation techniques.  This will help you in every area of your life as well as improving your relationship, and disciplines such as yoga and tai chi are great ways of achieving a more peaceful and flowing way of being.

    I hope it goes well for you.

    Peggy

     

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