Tiny Buddha

Category: Blog

  • How Getting Dumped Before My Wedding Made Me a Better Person

    How Getting Dumped Before My Wedding Made Me a Better Person

    “The root of suffering is attachment.” ~The Buddha

    Getting dumped a few weeks before my wedding was the most painful experience of my life to date, but how I came through it is the single proudest moment of my life.

    When I met with his mother four years after the breakup, she said she’d felt so guilty over these past few years. “I loved you like a daughter, and he’s my son—I never want any of my children to feel that pain.”

    I told her I was glad it happened, not for the fact that the breakup needed to happen (was inevitable even), but to have experienced the pain and loss, to confront my then-unconscious fear of failure straight on, and to not only survive, but thrive as a result.

    I told her I look forward to failing now. More accurately, I appreciate the lessons learned and the growth I’ll only be able to experience by getting back up, dusting myself off, humbly reflecting on where I went wrong, and pushing forward with a more finely tuned compass.

    But that perspective didn’t come easily. It took crawling Andy Dufresne-style through 500 metaphorical yards of sh*t-filled sewage pipes first.

    We were together for eight years through our twenties and into our early thirties. Four years in, we got engaged.

    One month before the wedding I went from bliss to being sucker punched in the lower intestines (emotionally speaking).

    It was a Tuesday. This was two days after coming home from one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I’d just finished yoga teacher training at an eight-day intensive on Long Island, Maine.

    It was a perfect week. I came home still buzzing with blissful vibes and gratitude. When he said we needed to talk, my stomach dropped so hard and so fast I thought it would fall out of me.

    He said he didn’t want to get married anymore.

    The contrast and transition from high to low was dizzying. In one week I felt both the best and worst I’d ever felt in my life.

    The following months were comprised of uncontrollable crying, deep sorrow, and some of the greatest lessons I’ve ever learned.

    Reading the stories of others who have loved and lost were so helpful to me when I was in pain, as were the bite-sized inspirational quotes from great and kind minds that I could carry with me through the day, so I’ve included those that helped me the most. It made me feel connected and not alone; it gave me hope knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel.

    That’s why I’m writing this. To share what I learned through this whole ordeal, how it set me off on a path of self-discovery and development, and how I’m a smarter, stronger, and more compassionate person because of it. The same is possible for you.

    I learned to feel my feelings.

    “The best way out is always through.” ~Robert Frost

    Sounds simple enough, but it’s not something we consciously do on purpose with negative emotions.

    We still lived together for three months after the wedding was broken off. It was especially hard coming home from work knowing he’d be there.

    Toward the end I’d gotten pretty good at avoiding, numbing, and running from experiencing the full intensity of the pain. The day he moved out, I decided it was time to feel it, all of it.

    I closed my eyes and let go of every resistance to the pain. I let the full force of it wash over me and through me. I accepted the pain without judgement, like I was both experiencing the pain and watching myself experience the pain.

    I did this through dancing in my kitchen. It seemed to help move the emotions through me. And it left me in a literal and figurative puddle of tears on the cold tile floor. It was incredibly cathartic.

    We avoid the full intensity of afflictive emotions because it seems like the crushing wave of feeling will not only knock us over but drag us down and drown us in sorrow and anguish. It feels like the pain might kill us or drive us insane, so we hide from it at all costs.

    It makes sense—we’re built to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Of course we want to run away from it.

    But when it comes down to it, emotions are energy and energy needs to flow. If it’s blocked, it gets stuck; it doesn’t leave.

    Emotions are sensational representations of our thoughts. Breathe. Witness. Let the emotions flow and instead of judging them as bad or hating the process. View it through a lens of curiosity.

    You really can’t rush the process of healing. It takes time. But avoiding the feelings or numbing them with wine, pot, pills, TV, food, sex (or all of the above like I did for months) only drags the grieving process out longer.

    Not to say those aversion techniques should be completely avoided through the whole process—you do you. Just be aware that you’ll eventually need to face the emotions head on.

    I fully believe that had I not had the courage that day to feel the pain with all its intensity my healing would have taken much longer.

    Resisting the emotions is like trying to pull your fingers out of a Chinese finger trap. You only get stuck more. You need to lean into it to set yourself free.

    And now when I’m faced with challenges that stir up difficult emotions, I’m much braver and allow myself to feel it and experience it, then I’m in a much better place to question and reframe my beliefs around the situation.

    I learned how to reframe a difficult situation.

    “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” ~Winnie the Pooh

    Reframing is a powerful tool. When we’re in the thick of an emotion we identify with it so strongly that it’s hard to step back and take an objective look from all sides.

    One day at work, probably a month after the canceled nuptials, I was rather unsuccessfully fighting back tears in the bathroom when a woman I work with came in and asked me what was up. I told her the situation and she put things into perspective for me.

    She’d met the man of her dreams in her forties and got married later than most. He was a talented doctor. Shortly after getting married he started showing signs of Alzheimer’s. A few years later she had to place him in a full-time facility near home.

    In the bathroom she said to me, “At least you don’t have to watch him suffer.” She was right, and that was exactly what I needed to hear. My situation could have been so much worse. How lucky am I?

    Now when dealing with a situation that makes me feel angry, sad, irritated, guilty or ashamed, I step back and try to reframe the situation. I’ll ask myself questions like:

    • Is it true?
    • What is the story I’m telling myself here? What do I think this means about me?
    • If the universe gave me this situation on purpose, what lesson am I supposed to be learning?
    • What’s the worst that could happen?
    • If the worst does happen, how can I cope?
    • Can I know for sure that this “shouldn’t” have happened?

    I learned to know my values and to live in tune with them.

    “Open your arms to change but don’t let go of your values.” ~Dalai Lama

    He’d said we shouldn’t get married because he didn’t want to have children, and I did. So I said, “Maybe I don’t want to have kids. I don’t have to have kids.” I didn’t truly believe this; I was grasping at straws, trying to keep hope alive.

    We lived together still, and since he hadn’t technically broken up with me yet (he only said he didn’t want to get married) we agreed to try to work it out.

    Then I snooped. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I took his phone when he was out of the room and looked through his personal, private messages on a hunch. The punishment for this breach of privacy was yet another figurative sucker punch to the gut.

    I saw the text exchanges with another woman on his phone. And the pictures.

    It was dishonest to invade his privacy, and karma was quick to level the playing field. I learned my lesson immediately because what I saw hurt—a lot. Needless to say, I’m off of snooping for good.

    When I said I didn’t have to have children, it wasn’t true and deep down I knew that. And I felt so dirty and wrong for looking at his phone when I knew outright it was an invasion of privacy, regardless of the fact that I found questionable material.

    These are what we call values conflicts. Through making these mistakes I learned to identify what my values are, and to recognize when there is a conflict either caused by my own thoughts and actions, or by others.

    Knowing your values is like having a brighter flashlight to get you through the woods at night. Sure, you might make it out without a light, but you’ll likely trip or wander off path. Knowing your core values in life is a guiding light to making tough decisions with confidence and clarity.

    And I value honesty, kindness, integrity and authenticity. Four things I did not live up to in those moments.

    I learned the power and freedom of forgiveness.

    “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ~Buddha (paraphrased)

    On paper I had reasons to be angry. To this day I could hold a grudge still, and many would say it was justifiable.

    To be frank, that sounds exhausting to me. I certainly was angry for months. It’s only natural; it was part of my grieving process.

    But I came to realize that the anger felt terrible inside me. My ego was holding onto the idea that I am right and he is wrong. I asked myself “So what?” “Where is the benefit of holding onto this?” I had no answer.

    This was a person who was very important to me for a long time. I wished him well then, why should I stop now that we aren’t together?

    Everyone makes mistakes. I had to make my own mistakes (so, so many of them) to finally understand what my mother had always said: “Everyone is doing the best they can with what they have.”

    And I believe that to be true. When I looked at his phone, though it was wrong, I was still doing the best I could with what I had. I had pain and a strong desire to find the “real” reason for it. I had opportunity when he was out of the room. I had strong curiosity. I had a lack of restraint.

    I needed to forgive myself. I made mistakes, admitted them, and learned from them. At that point they’d run their course and it was time to forgive.

    Plus, since I know kindness is a core value of mine, I need to live according to my values. Holding onto anger is not being kind to myself.

    And I can full heartedly say I forgive every wrongdoing by him. He’s human and makes mistakes just like me.

    I learned how to rethink “failure.”

    “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    In retrospect, I realized I wanted the breakup. I’d sometimes imagine him leaving me or—on my more dramatic and theatrical days—that he died and I had to start again.

    I came to learn that I was afraid of ending the relationship because it would have meant that I failed. I’d accepted an engagement proposal. I’d spent eight years living with this person making a life together. I’d planned a wedding. I’d made deposits.

    To then say it was a mistake, that I’d changed my mind, would mean that I failed. I didn’t realize at the time, but I had a huge fear of disappointing my parents and was afraid to call them and let them know about this transgression.

    I never stopped to define failure and what it means to me. At the time I would have said it meant to make a mistake, to not reach your goal, to fall short, to not be good enough.

    With further introspection, I’ve since redefined what failure means to me. Because I learned so much from this failure of a relationship, I now have a new perspective.

    Failure to me now means giving up on something I want because it seems hard or uncomfortable. It means not trying because of fear.

    I go back to my reframing tool and ask the following:

    • What’s the worst that could happen?
    • How likely is that outcome?
    • If the worst happens, how will I cope?
    • What’s the best that could happen?
    • How likely is that to happen?
    • What probably will happen?

    We fear the unknown, the ambiguous. Define what you’re afraid of. It’s much less scary on paper. And now you have the opportunity to plan, problem-solve, and prepare.

    I’ve never been more accepting of my emotions and tolerant of pain since this experience. This journey and everything I’ve learned has led me to be my happiest me.

    Not to say I’ve reached the end of my journey. The best part is there is always room for more growth, learning, compassion, love, and happiness. And I feel blessed that I have the opportunity to pursue it every day.

    Once I got a taste of self-improvement, I was hooked. I started to see that happiness—true happiness—and freedom from the control of emotions, of feeling not good enough, from constant worry, were all attainable.

    This experience was a blessing. A painful, messy, crash course in learning to navigate life’s difficulties with grace and resilience.

  • 13 Insights About Relationships That Could Save You A Lot of Pain

    13 Insights About Relationships That Could Save You A Lot of Pain

    “It’s amazing how quickly someone can become a stranger; it’s even more amazing how quickly someone can become a treasured friend.” ~Unknown

    The past six months have been unbelievably difficult for me.

    My “normal” life turned upside down and inside out, as my beautiful daughter continues to fight a complex pain condition, which took us all by surprise one bright and sunny Monday afternoon. And literally, in a single heartbeat, just like that, instead of a regular routine day of school, work and afternoon activities, our time was consumed with juggling doctors, hospitals, tests, and specialists—all of us fully devoted with how to help her heal.

    Oprah so aptly says that in life, lots of people want to ride with you when you’re in the limo, but what you really want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. Well, my friends, my limo didn’t just break down. It completely crashed, along with my world as I knew it.

    And when days and nights are both sleepless and endless, and you’re not cruising luxuriously through life in your limo but rather doing your very best at any given moment to barely crawl from point A to B without breaking down yourself, you start to realize even more so the complex, beautiful, fragile, and priceless value of real, genuine, consistent friendship.

    Sadly, a few people who I thought would walk me home sort of disappeared.

    They may have jumped off at their desired station—and I’ve come to understand that it’s alright; I truly only wish them well. Perhaps the fear that this could happen to them was all too much to bear, I get that. Or perhaps they are giving me space, I don’t know. All I know, is they aren’t here.

    Others not only ran to my bus, but jumped straight on, and continue to walk me home every single day. These people take the time to check in on me, hold my hand, let me cry, bring me food, make me laugh, and ensure I have enough coffee and love to keep on going through the day.

    I love these friends with all my heart and am so deeply thankful to have them on my journey.

    Here are some insights about people, relationships, and friendships from my bumpy bus ride that might be useful and comforting for you in your own interactions…

    1. Two people can look at the exact same situation and see it completely differently.

    I have always believed this, and I’m even more sure of this after hearing my friends repeatedly tell me how in awe they are of my unwavering strength and optimism while I have never felt more fragile, insecure, helpless, or scared. Perception is everything.

    2. We always see life as we are, not as it is.

    There actually isn’t an objective reality when it comes to people. Facts may be facts, but our viewpoint and our vantage point impact our ability to process the facts as they are neutrally.

    We look at life through our own personal filters, our own past experiences, beliefs, and paradigms. We see everything and everyone through our unique subjective lens that has been forming since we were younger.

    As Marcel Proust wrote, sometimes, the real voyage of discovery consists not in seeing new landscapes, but in having new eyes. If we are courageous enough to remove the lens through which we currently view a situation, we may discover something worth looking at, that we didn’t see before. This is true for opinions and advice. Think about a current dilemma in your life. What aren’t you considering? What are you possibly overlooking because you are still seeing the situation through the same lens?

    3. People change.

    I sometimes secretly wish we would stay exactly as we are, but I know that we are designed to grow. We are allowed to. I am learning to give myself permission to grow and change. Let yourself. Let others. Everyone deserves that.

    4. People come into our life for a day, a week, a month, a season, perhaps a year or longer, always to teach us something.

    Thank them, always. Even if they cause you pain. Some lessons hurt, a lot. In fact, during these challenging months, the voice of my workout instructor reminds me “If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you”—true for fitness, true for relationships, true for life. Each person we meet has been brought to us as a gift. Our job is to unwrap it, whatever it may be.

    5. You are allowed to close doors to protect yourself, you may even say goodbye, but never wish someone harm.

    This is the hardest for me personally. My heart is very big and maybe too hospitable and welcoming at times. To look after yourself and preserve what you value most, you sometimes have to be selective about who you let in.

    If someone steals your joy, keep them out. It’s a basic premise of safety and security. Give someone the benefit of the doubt—until they give you reason not to. Then don’t.

    There is a critical difference between being a volunteer and being a victim. The first time someone hurts you, you may or may not see it coming. Like me, I always try see the best in people. And when it hurts and you face a blow to the heart, you come crashing down because you never expected that or foresaw it coming your way.

    If the same person hurts you again, it’s now up to you to see them coming. It’s up to you to set new boundaries to protect yourself. You can be kind to everyone, but not everyone belongs in your inner circle.

    6. You may be willing to do more for others than they do for you.

    Don’t change who you are. Keep doing your thing. People may surprise us. Sometimes they really let us down. Others may step up in ways we never imagined. If you keep a checklist, you’ll often be disappointed.

    Never do things for others just because they would do things for you. You get to decide what kind of person you want to be. And if you choose to give 300%, then go for it, regardless of what others give you in return.

    If you do something for someone just because they did it for you or you want something back, you are doing business, not kindness. Just be yourself, without calculating what you’re receiving in return. When we live this way, we come from a place of generosity and abundance. It’s so much nicer to live this way.

    7. Choose your inner circle wisely.

    We have limited energy. Choose to surround yourself with people who make the time and effort to lift you up, who genuinely care about you, encourage you, and want to see you win. Our time here is limited, precious, and fragile. Choose your sacred relationships, friendships, and partnerships wisely.

    8. Actions speak louder than words.

    We can have the best intentions in the world, but our lives are measured by our actions. If you mean well but don’t do well, no one can read your mind. At the end of the day, what counts is what we do.

    I am all for giving people the benefit of the doubt—often only seeing the goodness in others myself—but when you are in a tight space, what you really need at the end of the day is someone to help you breathe and get you out, not just someone who thinks about you but doesn’t show up and hold out their hand for you to grab.

    That being said, sometimes people can’t show up for us because…

    9. People are always fighting battles we can’t see, or may know nothing about.

    Remembering this will help us be patient, kinder, more empathetic, and far less critical and judgmental. Life is hard and some days we dress up and show up using every ounce of energy and willpower we can possibly muster. We can’t be in top form all the time. No one can. We are human beings, not human doings, so let’s try to notice what’s going on with the people around us.

    10. Minimize the drama.

    We have limited energy, especially when going through a hard time, as I’ve been lately. Let’s preserve our energy for our goals, passions, purpose, and doing more good. We do not have to attend every drama we’re invited to. Decline the invitation and keep moving.

    If you feel you’re getting sucked in to drama—gossip, or creating conflict where there doesn’t need to be any, for example—take a step back and pull away. Keep yourself focused on your needs, your passions, and your purpose. Drama isn’t good for anyone.

    11. It’s okay to gently drift away from people.

    There are seasons when gardens bloom and other seasons where branches lay bare. Let it go, let nature do its thing. We can’t force a flower to grow. Energy is real. If your intuition or gut says someone isn’t right for you anymore, listen carefully.

    12. Not everyone is going to love you or your choices.

    Your job is to love you and your choices. Your tribe will find you. If you live your life according to your values, and you make choices in alignment with them, the right people will be attracted to you and you will gradually ensure you are surrounded by people who are your best fit. Keep doing your thing. I have seen this so beautifully over the years. and when I look at my closest friendships and relationships today, it is testimony to this.

    13. Relationships, friendships, partnerships—they don’t work unless we do.

    Don’t assume that just because someone has been in your life for years, they are going to want to stay there. These are precious, treasured, cherished interactions that require thoughtful investment, attention, love, and care.

    If you want someone in your life, show them. Spend real time with them, genuinely check in on them, do your best in your own unique and special way to help them wherever you can, have fun with them, cry with them, celebrate with them, and please catch the bus with them.

    We are all just walking each other home.

    Who are you walking with?

    You have to really be in someone’s life in order to stay in someone’s life.

  • The Art of Saying No: Lessons from a Caregiver

    The Art of Saying No: Lessons from a Caregiver

    “When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” ~Paulo Coelho

    There it is again. Another person asks me for help. There’s a sharp pull inside of me to stop what I am doing and give.

    And the internal struggle comes up.

    I should just say yes and help them. What’s it take to write out a few text lines? An extra phone call? It’s not so bad, I tell myself. You are, after all, a caregiver.

    My internal voice is so strong. It has been with me for a long time, this voice.

    Then I feel my shoulders tense. I feel my breath begin to shorten. And a lightheaded feeling takes over. These are my early warning signs that I am taking on too much.

    It has taken me some time to realize that this is what happens when I take on a lot and say yes—and that there is a significant cost to me. It stops me from getting my work done. I am not engaged and present when I am playing with my children. I am short with my husband. It derails my priorities. And it stops me from looking after myself.

    If the above sounds familiar, then you can probably relate to being a natural caregiver. Perhaps you are someone who seeks approval from other people. Maybe you are a people pleaser. You might even describe yourself as a “do-er.” You do for others, but sometimes, or maybe always, you forget to just be.

    You put the needs of others ahead of your own at the cost of yourself. You thrive on caring for others. You love to give. In fact, you probably hold yourself to high standards, and one of those standards is that you give to others.

    Before my first child was born, and even in the first year or so of his life, I continued to give and say yes to others. I was the person that would tell others, “What do you need? I’ll make it happen!” or “Tell me what you have in mind for that day, I’ll be there.” Or if someone needed something, help with anything, I would quickly say yes. I would give up my own thoughts, feelings, and needs in hopes of ensuring the other person was happy. To ensure that “we” were happy, and “we” were “good.”

    And then it started to hit me in the fall days of long walks with my newborn child—the second child to join our family. With the wind swirling around me, the crunch of the leaves beneath my feet and stroller wheels, and the brightness of the leaf colors, I realized that I was giving so much to others to fill up my self-worth. I was defining who I am, and what I am worth, by what I give to others and what I can do for others.

    Give more. Be more present for others. Be there for them. This was my mantra.

    It’s not an unfamiliar role. I’m a clinical psychologist, after all. It is what I spend my day doing—caring for others.

    My older sister recalls me being this way since my early formative years. She will tell the story of coming to me with her problems, and I would explore ways to solve them or cope. I loved watching others and trying to understand their thoughts and feelings, and their behaviors behind them.

    It didn’t take much to find my “calling”—my sharp perception for relationships, how I use my sensitivity and empathy. I find it meaningful to spend my days helping others change, process hard and difficult experiences, and live a life that is filled with meaning and authenticity.

    But I’ve noticed the impact of caring for others all the time. It’s a cost. And it was a cost to my own self-worth. I held myself to rigid standards—“If I don’t give then I’m not a good friend.” And yet I spend hours working with clients to help them develop more adaptive ways of viewing themselves. I wasn’t upholding this to myself. Would I think this of my friends? Absolutely not. They are “good,” just as they are, but not me.

    I know I am not alone in this challenge. Most of us struggle with communicating our needs and setting healthy boundaries. And many of us need to explore the role of caregiving, what it does for us, and how we can find other ways to build our sense of self.

    So, here’s the thing. Gaining insight into this pattern, this behavior, this desire to be in this role, is the first step. I had to understand what it was that I was doing, and what it was providing me. If you are reading this post, you likely identified with the challenge of saying no, and being a caregiver. So here are my eight tips to help you say no.

    1. Tune in to when you are feeling overwhelmed.

    These signs might be like mine where you experience increased physiological arousal. Or maybe they are emotional (feelings of being frustrated, anxious, hurt), cognitive (holding rigid thoughts; telling yourself you’re not enough), or even changes in your relationship (decreased sex; increased arguing). Identifying your emotional experience will help you identify when you need to change.

    2. Acknowledge that you have different thoughts, feelings, and opinions from other people.

    You have your own internal experience. And your partner/friend/parent/coworker has their separate internal experience. You are a separate individual from the other person in your relationship. It is not for you to change their internal world, and it is not for them to change your thoughts or feelings, or desires and wishes.

    You are responsible, however, for communicating your needs to the other person. If you need to take space for yourself because you have too much on your plate, or perhaps you simply do not want to do a requested task, it is your job to communicate this, with respect, to the other person. More on how to do this in the next step.

    3. Start saying no.

    You have the right to say no. You do not have the right to be aggressive to someone or to criticize them. “How could you ask me to do that when you know I have so much going on?” That’s critical. You have the right to say no—and you do not have to explain your no.

    You can provide empathy for the difficulties that the other person is in. “I see you’re having a hard time right now.” You can also express what can happen next time. “Next time, perhaps we can find a way through this together.” And you can express your feelings. “I’m feeling overwhelmed and I am not able to do that.”

    Note that sharing feelings starts with “I.” But remember, saying, “I feel like you don’t understand” is not a feeling. Feelings are sad, happy, mad, fearful.

    4. If saying no is difficult, try giving yourself the twenty-four-hour rule.

    So often we respond with emotion, and this leads us to taking on too much. If saying no in the moment is really hard, let the other person know that you will get back to them in twenty-four hours. Or, if the request comes through an email and it’s not urgent, allow yourself a day to reflect on what it is that the request entails and how this would impact you professionally and personally. Remember, we often overestimate what we can get done in a day, or even a year.

    5. Maintain your boundary.

    If you start to assert yourself and begin to say no and then you change your mind, others learn to not take your no seriously. This isn’t anyone’s fault. We all do this at times—we all have our own motivation for asking for help.

    A boss asking you to stay overtime to help with a project? Or asking you to take on more work? A partner wanting you to complete a task in the home? Helping a friend? Saying no and being a broken record, “Unfortunately I am not able to at this time,” over and over again can help you hold that boundary.

    6. Challenge the internal dialogue or bring acceptance to it.

    If you hold yourself to a standard that you need to help others, try finding other ways of viewing your no. Does being a good friend mean that you have to always give? This would be what cognitive therapists view as all or nothing thinking. Can you try living in the grey?

    Shift perspectives—what would you tell a friend if they were struggling to say no? Or maybe you are using emotional reasoning—you feel bad, so you tell yourself you are bad. What other ways do you show up as a significant other?

    Challenge that old dialogue. And if you continue to struggle, perhaps try bringing a stance of acceptance to this old internal dialogue. I bet it has been with you for a long time. And I challenge you to ask others if they have the same dialogue!

    7. Give yourself permission to struggle.

    This will not change overnight. You will feel guilty. And it will be hard.

    The best way to address guilt is to do exactly what it is that you feel guilty about. Feeling guilty for saying no? Say no! If you continue to avoid feeling guilty, guilt will continue to knock on your door. And the way others respond to your new stance of saying no will not change overnight. In fact, I can predict that if you have been in this role for quite some time, the other person will not know what to do at first, and will try to revert back to old patterns.

    8. Ask for help.

    This is a tough one, especially for someone who always keeps helping others. Often, we are so busy giving help and responding to others that we minimize our needs, and they are not aware that we, too, need help in some way.

    Help might come in all forms. Perhaps you start by setting thirty-minutes of you time during the week away from the family. Or you share a task with someone. You could also try letting others know how you are feeling.

    —

    Learning to say no has helped me re-focus my priorities. It doesn’t mean that I always say no, but rather I allow myself to be flexible.

    There are times when I can give and times when I cannot. Instead of feeling tied to giving as a symbol of self-worth, I shifted my focus to living a life that is connected to what is important to me and to being my authentic self. And when we can be authentic with ourselves and those around us, we feel the most connected between our mind and body.

  • Life’s Too Short to Be Too Busy: How to Make the Most of Your Time

    Life’s Too Short to Be Too Busy: How to Make the Most of Your Time

    “Slow down. Calm down. Don’t worry. Don’t hurry. Trust the process.” ~Alexandra Stoddard

     Heard in the offices across America…

    “I’m so busy and have no time!”

    “How is it almost 2019 already?!”

    “I’ll sleep when I’m dead…”

    We’re so focused on the next deadline, getting the next promotion, having the approval of our managers and peers alike that we push, push, push all the time.

    Oh, how I can relate! I worked in corporate America commuting into NYC (two hours each way!) as the VP of marketing at a major media company. And I worked… a lot.

    When I wasn’t at work, I was running around, checking things off my long to-do list, pretending to be Martha Stewart and always trying to accomplish the ‘next thing.’

    I knew my sense of self-worth was way too wrapped up in how much I could check off my to-do list, and I’d do anything for the approval of my colleagues; but I didn’t know any other way. Even though I was getting a lot of things done and getting the recognition I craved, I wasn’t that happy. In fact, I was miserable.

    Then tragedy struck—not once, but twice.

    In 1998 my sister, Jenny, had a brain aneurysm and suddenly passed away. She was eighteen. It was a blow like nothing I’d ever experienced before. The day after her funeral, it felt like the energy and effort it took to brush my teeth was equivalent to running a marathon.

    But somehow I got back in the saddle. I managed my grieving doing what I knew best: working and pleasing people. Getting on the train at 6am to commute into NYC and not getting home until close to 10pm was my everyday. My need to be Martha Stewart went into overdrive. Let’s just say Christmastime meant thousands (really, thousands!) of home-baked cookies. And no one was complaining about that!

    Then it happened again.

    In 2008, my brother Scott went into cardiac arrest while playing basketball and passed away. That phone call is something I’ll never be able to erase from my mind. He was thirty-three and getting married in a month. I was the one who canceled all the wedding plans. It was the hardest thing I’d ever done in my life.

    I don’t need to tell you I was devastated. But I was also really annoyed. Really, I need to do this again?! And so while this really sucked (understatement!), since I had gone through this once before, I thought to myself this is an opportunity to do it differently.

    I’ve always been super goal-oriented, but after Scott died, my only goal was to not have any goals. Kinda crazy, right? But my soul needed the time and opportunity to kind of wander aimlessly to heal. I realized I wanted to make my work more meaningful, to have the time to unwind and have more fun.

    Slowly, I started to make sense of it all.

    I came out the other side vowing to live my life to the fullest—something my sister and brother would never have the opportunity to do. That meant laughing, a lot, having some great adventures (Paris! Skydiving!), and doing something meaningful with my life.

    The first thing I did was to leave work at a reasonable hour. I realized I was working those long hours because I felt like I had to put in the facetime to climb the ranks. Can you relate? If I left while everyone else was still at their desks would they call me a slacker? I decided not to care.

    I was naturally organized and productive, but now I really fine-tuned those skills so that I could get tons of solid work done during the day. When I walked out the door I was able to pretty much disconnect from the office. Not all the time, but most of the time.

    I stopped baking all those cookies too.

    Hiring a life coach helped me get to the bottom of what was really important to me (it’s being surrounded by beauty, doing things passionately, and laughing, a lot). While I still love to bake, these days you’re more likely to catch me at the bakery.

    Life is too short to be too busy. I learned this the hard way.

    You may be thinking, “I know, I know… I need to slow down and take stock of what’s really important to me, but not until I finish this next project.”

    It’s so easy to take time for granted, it’s true we can’t make more of it, but it always seems to be there for us. Until it’s not.

    So how can you start?

    1. Get clear on where you are spending most of your time and more importantly, why.

    You may be working many hours because you need the money, and that’s a valid point, but if you look a little deeper maybe the money is going to support a lifestyle that you really don’t want.

    No doubt, this is the hard work, so be curious and investigate. This is about self-discovery, not self-punishment.

    2. Start to dream about what you’d do if you had all the time in the world.

    Get specific. What do those days look like? What’s so great about them? Why do they make you happy. Add visualization, dreaming, and journaling so you can really see it.

    3. Figure out how you can put more of your ideal day into your reality day starting now.

    Can you leave the office earlier one or two nights a week? Sign up for a dancing class? Say no to a big project or committee? I used to start my week off with a fresh bouquet of flowers for my desk. It made a difference.

    What I realized after I made it through the dark days and nights and came out from under the covers into the light is our tragedies are what bring us to places we’d never go on our own. Their gift is making our lives more meaningful and to emerge with more perspective.

    But you don’t have to go through this kind of tragedy to figure out how you really want to spend your time. You have a choice, right here, right now. Make it count.

  • Acknowledging That We’re Not Okay is the Only Way to Make Things Better

    Acknowledging That We’re Not Okay is the Only Way to Make Things Better

    “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your own understanding.” ~Khalil Gibran

    There was a time in my life where I felt like everything needed to seem okay.

    I had trouble achieving emotional closeness in my relationships, I was unsatisfied in my career, and I struggled with at times severe anxiety and depression. But I was always “okay,” and actually went great lengths to hide any sign that I wasn’t.

    I kept myself busy to avoid seeming “lame” by having nothing to do, or perhaps to avoid the feelings that would come up if I had nothing to do. If I felt insecure or dissatisfied with something, I’d simply lie and try to cover it up rather than ever acknowledge there was a problem.

    Feeling alone and not heard in my friendships? Well, everyone else seems to be fine, so I’ll just pretend I’m fine too. Uncomfortable feelings? Push them down and ignore them, always. And if someone did something to hurt or offend me, I never said anything, because I wasn’t able to stand up for myself or set boundaries.

    I’m still trying to understand the origin of these feelings, but for me, it was dealing with generations of family trauma and hurt, as well as realizing that I’m bisexual. It was also receiving the message, implicitly and sometimes explicitly, that as a woman, it wasn’t okay for me to speak up and stand up for myself.

    Essentially, at some point, I came to believe that my real feelings weren’t acceptable.

    And the reality is, it was incredibly lonely. This perception left me unable to truly connect with anyone, because I felt as though they wouldn’t like the real me. But everyone else seemed like they were fine, so I pushed down who I was and my own personality to be who I thought I should be to fit in.

    I think we all struggle with this to some degree. Everyone has weird habits and secrets they keep to themselves. But for some of us, we feel like something is fundamentally wrong with us, as though if people saw our real selves, they wouldn’t like us. And so we hide it, and act in ways that we think we “should” act to seem like everyone else.

    The problem with this is that it makes life a lot more complicated when you have to suppress your own reaction or feelings, think about it, and then do what you assume other people would do in your situation.

    I always tried to hide and minimize any discomfort, pretend I felt more comfortable in my relationships than I did and was happier with my life than I was. Not that the people around me weren’t wonderful people, but I didn’t ever feel that I belonged or was known.

    In fact, in my early twenties, I had everything I could possibly want—a college degree, my own place, a relationship, great friends, and a job with a prestigious company. And I wasn’t happy. Or perhaps there was a part of me that was unfulfilled. Everything in my life was great, but I simply didn’t feel seen.

    The problem with always being “okay” is that at some point you just can’t do it anymore. And unsurprisingly, there came a point when my life fell apart.

    I experienced unemployment, a series of failed romantic relationships, and health issues, including disordered eating. In many ways, my life is still “apart.” Making changes has involved a lot of yoga, meditation, and emotional work, and even some solo traveling. It has been difficult and painful, and I have lost relationships.

    But the truth is that this previous “me” was like a house of cards, or perhaps a house with a cracked foundation. I pushed a lot of things down, I never stood up for myself or expressed my real feelings or needs, or even had any idea what those were—and that simply wasn’t a sustainable way to live.

    The most important step I took, and that I believe anyone can take, is finally stopping and recognizing when things are not okay. We can’t fix what we won’t acknowledge, and it is impossible to make changes if we refuse to admit something is wrong.

    Had life not presented me with the chaos it did, I would have continued to push my way along, shoving down any unwanted feelings and avoiding addressing them but also avoiding the growth, connection, and happiness that comes from actually facing my fears and emotions, and working through them with other people.

    Before, I had operated from the clearly faulty assumptions that any differences or unique qualities I had, such as my sensitivity and introverted, empathic nature—or, you know, things that make me a human being—were shameful and bad and must be covered up, that I was “too sensitive,” and that being assertive was definitely taboo. And above all, I must never admit it if I needed help. So I just went with what life gave me and tried my best to fit in.

    I’m learning to sit with difficult feelings and situations and trying to understand them instead of constantly running away from them.

    I am also working on communicating with people when they upset me. Sometimes they don’t have any idea, and promise to make sure it doesn’t happen again. But if they don’t care, that is something I need to know too. And instead of giving in to my insatiable need to fit in and be like everyone else, I’m trying to just be honest and be myself.

    Finally, instead of running, I’m trying to acknowledge when life isn’t good. Because acknowledging this, and understanding what uncomfortable feelings have to teach me, is the only way to actually make anything better.

  • How to Love Yourself into Speaking Up When You’re Frozen in Fear

    How to Love Yourself into Speaking Up When You’re Frozen in Fear

    “Always speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.” ~Unknown

    You may not want to admit this to others, but I know the truth about you.

    You freeze, clam up, and shut down when tensions rise and your spidey-sense detects a hint of conflict in the air. You run for cover during the storm, and when it’s over, you judge yourself for not having delivered the perfect soliloquy in the heat of the moment to convey your point and get what you need and deserve.

    And then you collapse into a hot mess of blame and shame.

    I get it. I used to be an expert in hiding.

    I vividly recall finding myself in tears in a colleague’s office after a particularly difficult meeting. My work was sidelined, and it was made abundantly clear that my contribution and presence weren’t valued.

    I felt passed over, ignored, and worst of all, not seen.

    I was too scared to say anything in the moment, and I didn’t even have the right words to express what was on my mind.

    What I wanted to say was nothing out of the ordinary. But when you’re feeling intimidated, that really doesn’t matter. Even sharing something as benign as what you’ve been working on seems impossible, let alone requesting a teeny, tiny amount of air time to do so.

    I left work that day unable to make sense of what had happened and how to move through the emotional state that I was left in.

    Sadly, this wasn’t the only difficult interaction that I came across early on in my career. The other ones involved yelling, passive-aggressive remarks, dysfunctional team dynamics, and me, remaining silent, not knowing how to handle it all, while expertly judging myself for not doing better.

    Yes, I was that person.

    Perhaps you can relate?

    Maybe you’re afraid to confront a loved one who has violated your boundaries because you don’t want to damage the relationship. Or perhaps you’re in an abusive situation and you’re worried that others won’t believe all of the awful things you’ve lived though. Or maybe you’ve been “hiding” in the workplace, not wanting to broach a difficult issue because you don’t want to create conflict or lose your job.

    I get it. There are risks to rocking the boat. And sometimes those risks are worth taking because the cost of remaining silent is too high.

    That cost is carrying the trauma of these negative interactions inside of us. It lingers there, eating away at us, waiting to be released while it leaks out in unhealthy ways. We might take our frustration out on ourselves by overeating or drinking, or we might let our feelings build until one day we explode on some innocent person who doesn’t deserve our rage.

    And so, I’d like to share what I’ve learned about loving yourself into speaking up when you’re frozen in fear. My hope is that this will help you remember who you truly are in those difficult moments.

    So here goes…

    First and foremost—and I know that this is the very last thing that you want to do—stop thinking. Stop wondering. Stop second-guessing yourself and admit that you’re scared.

    I know it’s hard, but accept it. Accept it all—the tension, the anger, the fear, the raised voices, the freezing… all of it. The only way through is to first accept the situation for exactly what it is, and it certainly doesn’t mean agreeing with what happened.

    Then, and this is even scarier, I know, tell someone. Not anyone, but just one compassionate witness. Someone who will listen, not judge, and not tell you what to do next.

    This is one of the best ways to begin your healing. What stays inside of you unacknowledged and unspoken festers and turns into shame and/or rage. When you let someone else in and receive their empathy and understanding, you’re better able to offer these beautiful gifts to yourself.

    You’ll then be ready to understand (not with your head, but with your heart) that freezing is a brilliant response to feeling scared.

    We’re biologically wired to use this survival technique to help us ward off predators. My cat freezes every time I take her to the vet, and it’s no better than fighting or fleeing as a response. So please stop judging yourself for doing what the universe innately programmed you to do.

    And now, for the biggest leap of faith that you’ll be asked to take in this lifetime… To effect any real change, you’ll need to love yourself exactly as you are right now.

    That means loving the frightened, insecure, self-judging little one inside of you who hates herself* (or himself or themselves) for not doing better.

    Yes, her.

    Instead of telling her that she’s not good enough, speak to her in the way you’d talk to a child who froze in fear when confronted with a threatening situation. What might you say?

    “It’s okay… you’re safe now, you’re loved. No one can hurt you. You are enough, just as you are. You don’t need to change a thing.”

    Once that little one feels truly comforted, she’ll be ready to entertain the possibility of speaking up, and then find the courage to do so. Self-love creates strength, confidence, and resilience—and these are the things you need to give yourself a voice. You need strength to speak up, confidence to hold your ground regardless of how you’re received, and resilience to handle the response, whatever it may be.

    This may take a while.

    Have patience.

    When she does find her voice, she’ll stumble.

    Her words will come out all clunky at first. She’ll feel both embarrassment and exhilaration. Just let her be. Let her live through all of those wild and wonderful emotions, while telling her how incredibly proud you are of her.

    Eventually, she’ll come to see the brilliant wisdom in the unique voice that she’s been holding back. And she’ll learn how to finally love herself, even when she was the one who did something wrong.

    Please remember to celebrate her in that moment.

    As that little one becomes wiser, she’ll also realize that “resolution” doesn’t necessarily mean working it out with the other person. She’ll find the courage to speak her truth and walk away with integrity when necessary, finding comfort in the fact that she did her best even when others didn’t agree with her decisions.

    And now for the kicker… you’re seriously not going to believe this one, but trust me, it happens.

    Once you figure out how to speak up while feeling love and compassion for the scared little one inside of you, you’ll almost magically help others move out of their own fight, flight, and freeze reactions.

    And for the most part, you’ll happily discover that you can build bridges where you once saw impasses.

    But deep down somewhere you already know all of this, don’t you?

    My wish for you is that you allow yourself to live it a little sooner, so that life is a little less painful for you.

    But I also know that it’s through this struggle that you become stronger, so as I write these words I hesitate to even suggest taking that journey away from you. Just know that you will get there.

    Dedicated to CDM, the queen of love bubbles who had the infinite patience needed to teach me how to unfreeze.

    *Author’s Note: In this post, I use she/her pronouns because I’m speaking from my own lived experience. However, this message is meant for anyone it resonates with, regardless of gender identity. Please feel free to replace the pronouns with those that feel right for you.

  • How to Honor Your Sensitivity (Because It’s Actually a Strength)

    How to Honor Your Sensitivity (Because It’s Actually a Strength)

    “The opposite of sensitive is not ‘tough.’ It’s insensitive. Sensitivity is a gift. Let’s nurture it, not squash it.” ~Glennon Doyle

    I would run no matter how much snow and ice there was, no matter how tired I was or how much my joints hurt. Even if I was hungover. It didn’t matter. Sometimes I would be in incredible pain, but I wouldn’t stop.

    I worked as a tree planter in the summers and got paid per tree. I would push as hard as possible, sometimes planting as many as 3,000 trees in one day. And, not surprisingly, I had my first back spasm at age twenty-one.

    That’s how I lived my whole life in my early twenties. Pushing. I barely had enough time to get everything done with college, volunteering, and a part time job. I would consistently end up exhausted.

    On top of this, bright lights and loud noises easily overwhelm me, but I pushed through that too. I didn’t really want to go to my friends’ loud parties, so would drink to the point that the loud noise didn’t bother me anymore.

    Years later I learned I was a highly sensitive person (HSP) and it all made sense. HSPs are sensitive to loud noises, bright lights, and other people’s emotions.

    And because HSPs only make up 15-20% of the population, it sometimes seems like the basic needs of quiet, space away from family members with big emotions, and soft lighting are self-indulgent or greedy. So HSPs often push through their sensitive nature.

    In my twenties, despite my sensitivities, I pushed through. I didn’t feel like my life was worth much unless I was highly productive, getting good grades, and pleasing my friends, family, professors, and pretty much anyone I met. I was determined to be perfect, and it was killing me.

    It finally came to a head during my first job after college. I was working hard to please my supervisors, co-workers, and the youth that were our clients. It was my dream job, but I ignored my own needs as a highly sensitive person to the point that I couldn’t do it anymore. I was exhausted and didn’t want to get out of bed in the mornings. I quit but I didn’t know what to do.

    Are You Highly Sensitive?

    Does any of this sound familiar? If you sometimes push through your own needs it could be a sign that you’re highly sensitive. Other signs you’re an HSP include:

    • You feel the tragedies reported on the news very deeply
    • You sometimes get overwhelmed by beauty—a breathtaking view or the kindness of a friend
    • You’re sensitive to bright lights and loud noises
    • You’re highly empathetic
    • If someone’s in a bad mood, you feel the energy in the room
    • Sometimes when a coffee date gets cancelled, you’re ecstatic that you get to stay hiding under the covers
    • You love creativity whether it’s music, dance, photography, writing, visual art or interior design

    And when an HSP tries to fit in, it takes a lot of energy. Ignoring your sensitivity will leave you drained. You’ll end up exhausted without much to give.

    What Happens When an HSP Ignores Their Sensitivity?

    HSPs often end up ignoring their sensitivities because they’re pressured to do so. Whether it’s a cubicle where you can hear 100 other people talking or your group of friends that want to meet in a noisy restaurant as an HSP, you’re constantly being asked to ignore your sensitivity.

    And so many HSPs end complying and pushing through. You don’t want to disappoint your friends or inconvenience your boss, so you say yes even though your nervous system is over stimulated. Or other times you want to save money, so you’ll share a hotel room with your noisy and emotional cousin even though it would be better to have your own room.

    The problem is, when your nervous system is constantly over stimulated, you end up exhausted. Your exhaustion might start out small, but if you continue to push, you may end up with a complete breakdown like mine. And because I’ve been through it, I really don’t want this to happen to you!

    The good news is that it’s possible to protect your sensitive nervous system. It takes time and practice, but step by step, you can start to take better care of yourself and not worry about other people’s expectations.

    How HSPs Can Heal After Years of Pushing

    1. Rest when you’re tired.

    The first and sometimes most difficult step is to get some rest. If you’re determined to fit in, you’re probably exhausted. You’ve been going and going and going and never stop to take a breath. You could:

    • Take a five-minute walk outside
    • Look out the window and breathe
    • Nap
    • Make time for meditation
    • Take a day completely off to recharge
    • Spend time in nature

    So start small and see if you can schedule even five minutes today to be quiet and rest.

    2. Learn about your sensitivity.

    The fact that you’re reading this article means you’re already on track to completing this step!! The more you learn about your sensitivity, the easier it will be to take time to rest, to say no to that overwhelming party invitation or to walk around downtown wearing giant headphones playing white noise to block out the sound.

    And it doesn’t matter whether it’s through reading or podcasts or watching videos. Whatever format you like best will get you on track. Some of my favourites include the Highly Sensitive Refuge website and the Introvert, Dear podcast which is hosted by an HSP.

    3. Honor your needs.

    I know this is difficult to do especially when there are other people involved, but as you begin to honor your needs, you’ll begin to get your energy back. You’ll feel calmer, more relaxed, and more excited about life.

    And so, even though it will involve some difficult conversations with your friends, your partner, you family and co-workers, I promise you it’ll be 100% worth it.

    When I was in a new relationship where my partner was definitely not an HSP we would have a lot of conversations that went something like this,

    Sweetie, you have to remember you’re dating someone sensitive.

    If my blood sugar crashes, I won’t be able to recover.

    OR

    I’m getting really overstimulated by that music.

    OR

    It would really help me if you just sat quietly with me for a minute.

    You can send your loved ones articles to teach them about highly sensitive people and what’s really happening for you. And sometimes, you just have to explain it to them step by step.

    Some common HSP needs include:

    • A slow pace of life
    • Beautiful spaces
    • Time in nature
    • Deep and meaningful relationships
    • Time to cry and feel your emotions
    • A good night’s sleep
    • Physical space after a conflict or challenging discussion
    • Nourishing food

    And yes, I get it; it’s hard to ask for. It’s taken me a decade but I’m learning to take better care of myself and now am able to share my supportive nature more fully with others. And you can too.

    The less you worry about fitting in and the more you can take care of your HSP needs, the more you’ll be able to bring your sensitive strengths forward to make the impact you were meant to make.

    Your Sensitivity is Your Strength

    As a highly sensitive person, you have the real gifts of empathy, creativity, attention to detail, and bringing quality into everything you create. Because of this HSPs like you make the world’s best writers, therapists, coaches, interior designers, actors, caretakers, and artists.

    According to an article by Jim Hallows, famous HSPs include Nicole Kidman, Edgar Allen Poe, Leonardo Di Vinci, Bob Dylan, Princess Diana, and Mother Teresa.

    You’re meant to protect and bring forward your sensitive strengths.

    By taking care of yourself you’re not being a diva. You’re not being selfish. You’re not being greedy and you’re not crazy. You’re being gentle with yourself so you can share your beautiful, powerful sensitive strengths with the world.

  • The Secret to Ending Your Suffering

    The Secret to Ending Your Suffering

    “You can have your experience without your experience having you.” ~Linda Pransky

    You’re no doubt aware that your moods can fluctuate from day to day, even moment to moment. I think most people can appreciate, when they really consider it, that their state of mind is a big variable in their experience of life. What they don’t always see is that their state of mind is responsible for 100% of their experience.

    The problem is, it’s often hard to remember this or feel consoled by this when you’re stuck, living in your head, feeling bad.

    When you’re stuck in anxious, insecure thinking it can often seem like this way of being is here to stay. It can also seem like the bad feeling is caused by a variety of external things: our partners, our bank balance, what’s happening in the world, or indeed hundreds of other possible situations that all get the blame.

    I say this as someone who knows all too well what this can be like. You see, I spent a long time feeling like I wasn’t enough. Despite spending my formative years on stages, playing in bands and acting, I always felt a little lost, unsure of myself, and disconnected from who I really was.

    Then, in my late twenties, things came to a head. My music career came to an abrupt end around the same time I went through a messy breakup. To say this floored me would be an understatement. For a long time I was in a dark place, looking for solace in all the wrong places. I’d always been a deep thinker, but now my thoughts threatened to do me in.

    What’s more, I was an expert at blame at this stage in my life. I blamed other people (a lot), myself (mainly), and the world (usually).

    I lamented why things weren’t happening for me the way I expected them to, but couldn’t see that this expectation was keeping me angry and tight and unable to see things clearly. The blame game kept me closed up, in victim mode, looking outside of myself for reasons as to why I was feeling bad. In essence, I wasn’t taking ownership of my life.

    I’m glad to say that after a lot of self-work I was able to step away from this way of being. After years of searching and exploration I began to see that happiness and creativity were always available for me; they were always there inside of me. Just like the sun is always in the sky, even on grey days. If we allow the clouds to part in our psyche, then the sun inside us, our well-being, is always there waiting.

    You see, when something happens, like a layoff or a messy breakup, it’s likely you’ll have lots of thoughts and opinions about what has happened that make the event mean something about who you are.

    For instance, the event is: your career has ended, but the opinion you have about that is: you’re no good at your job, you’re no good at your career, you’re no good at life.

    Another example. The event is: your relationship has ended, but the opinion you have about that is: you’re unlovable, you’ll never find anyone else, you’re worthless.

    The problem is that most of the time this happens on a subconscious level. It’s useful to remember that when you pile more and more thinking and more and more opinions onto your experience it only makes you tight and closed up around the issue.

    You resist reality. You obsess over what happened. You beat yourself up. You essentially hold on to the experience, allowing it to dominate your life.

    I used to feel like I had to grip onto the issue really, really tightly, to keep hold of it until I could work out how to feel better about it. But I now know that it’s this very act of being tight and closed up that makes us feel bad.

    It looks like the thing that happened is causing the bad feeling, but it isn’t. Being tight and closed up around what happened is what actually makes you feel bad.

    We know this deep down, I think. When we practice being open and looser in life, the same events can happen to us, but they don’t knock us down in the same way. Sure, they’re still unpleasant experiences, but they happen and we deal with them. When we are open, we can see new ways to move forward. When we aren’t closed up tight, gripping onto the issue, we can look for solutions from a raised perspective.

    Now, this isn’t about having a spiritual bypass or pretending bad things don’t happen. Loved ones die, wrongs are done, and I’m not in any way suggesting you should deny your feelings. When you stay open to your experience, you can still feel love and even deep sorrow, but without the tightness and the bitterness that are so negative. And this knowledge of how your experience works allows you to react better to these events. You can react with more clarity and compassion.

    When we stay open, we don’t have lots of opinions about what happens. When we stay open, we don’t allow our expectations about how life ‘should be’ to overtake us. When we stay open, we can better deal with what is actually going on.

    Opening up takes us back to source, back to the loving reality of our being. And the good news is that opening up can be done in many ways.

    In its most basic form it’s a sigh out after a deep breath in. In other forms it’s the end of a thrilling roller coaster ride that simulates a cheating of death, it’s a deep belly laugh, an orgasm. It can also take the form of a simple insight, a remembrance, a knowing that the event isn’t causing the suffering on its own, and that it’s our tightness around it and our unwillingness to let go that is causing the suffering.

    When we remember this we naturally open up a little. When we see this truth our consciousness can’t help but raise a little. When this happens we can’t help but have more perspective on what’s going on.

    To help with this, it’s important to focus on three things: awareness, practice, and release.

    Firstly, become aware that this is how your experience of life works—100% of the time. No exceptions. Events don’t cause suffering on their own, ever. It’s only when you get closed up and tight around them that it causes suffering. That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t feel sadness or have low moods, just that we shouldn’t resist them but rather accept them for what they are.

    When you see the truth in this for yourself it’ll make less sense to stay closed and tight around issues. When you understand that it’s the closed-up tightness causing the real pain, it will start to seem pointless to grip these issues so close to you and not let go.

    Next comes practice. A practice of letting go and opening up to life. This may take a little leap of faith, but you can do it. When you do, you’ll see that the bad feeling won’t win, it won’t take over, it won’t destroy you. From this state of openness you will be in a much better, more creative state of mind to deal with whatever is going on. From this place you’ll see new ways of solving your problems.

    I know it can appear like if you ‘let go’ of the issue you won’t be able to deal with it. You’ll feel like you need to keep control of the issue, but that’s not the case. That need for control is the tightness, which is the root of the problem, not the solution.

    And finally, with awareness and practice, you can begin to release the anxious, insecure thinking and in doing so, the suffering. You can take a deep breath, visualize your body and mind opening up, relax into the moment, and see what new ideas, insights, and solutions show up in this calmer, more creative space.

    My hope is that you read this again and see something new that changes your thinking just enough to allow more freedom, space, and happiness to appear.

    And that soon, you too will allow your own sun to appear through the clouds.

  • Moving Through Grief: I’m Strong Because I Feel It All

    Moving Through Grief: I’m Strong Because I Feel It All

    “Grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there was great love.” ~Unknown

    It’s been almost six months now. Half of a year without my brother and the grief still visits. I’m pretty sure grief doesn’t actually go away; its visits just get further and further apart.

    People continue to ask me how I am so “strong” through all of this, mistaking my happy moments as the full picture.

    I continue to tell them strength comes because I feel it all.

    The story in itself is my therapy, my chance to relive the amazing memories, my chance to show you the waves of grief I ride.

    The last thing I told my conscious brother was “But I believe in miracles, I really do.”

    To be fair, the last thing I really told him was a travel story about me using a Squatty Potty in Thailand, in hopes that humor would bring him back to responsiveness.

    The thing is, I really did believe a miracle was possible, or at least I wanted to believe. Surely it wasn’t his time to go. The all-divine higher power wouldn’t take away my big brother, my role model, my mom’s baby boy. It simply wasn’t time.

    The tumor on his spine seemed to disagree with me, though.

    My brother is gone now, and there is a human-sized hole in the universe that I am living in, and yet I survive; in fact, I am thriving in this life that I have now.

    But let’s back up a little, because I can’t just tell you about how I move through this season of grief without totally and completely honoring the human my brother was. He called me his little buddy, and though my oldest brother was the babysitter, Kirk always whispered into my ear that he was the real one in charge.

    He liked Dungeon and Dragons, donuts, finishing a great book, and writing and doodling in a brown journal probably made of suede or something cool like that. He loved to flip me upside-down or hold me down and tickle me until I was completely sure I would pee my pants. He would say things that didn’t make any sense to me until later when I would sit and contemplate in stillness.

    Something about Kirk’s soul was so playful but inspired me to be still and live in the presence that I have. He did things like build houses out of mud for sustainability and turn medians into produce farms. He took killer photos and made clay statues that I used to think would move in the night and haunt me.

    Kirk told me to “try everything once, unless that one thing will kill you, then skip that one.” Which is why you can catch me building a business that makes zero sense to who I am, traveling to foreign countries when I should probably be building a 401K or something else adults do. But when there’s a human-size hole in your universe, you do things for joy. Maybe it’s to honor them; maybe it’s because you live life to the fullest possible amount there can ever be. Either way, I’ll keep moving only for things that light my soul on fire.

    And then there was the cancer.

    You know how if you endure something just the right amount, it kind of becomes your normal? Repetitive chaos in your life has a way of doing that. And after watching my grandma battle cancer and win, my mom battle cancer and win, and Kirk beating it over and over again, it felt like the norm. Like it was just a thing that plagued my family, but we always moved out of it.

    Everyone handles something like this differently; personally, I’m that “ray of sunshine, glass half full and hey, I’ll help you with your glass too” kind of girl. Sunshine and cancer don’t blend well together. I got really good at smiling, cheering people up, and ignoring the invader in our lives.

    When I opened my phone and received the text that read, “He took a turn for the worse,” my soul didn’t believe it. I hopped on a plane, believing my sunshine would be enough to stop this spiral.

    My sunshine was not enough to bring him back to life.

    My sunshine was dimmed to its darkest.

    My glass was tipped over.

    Grief overwhelmed my soul. Gut wrenching, unexplainable, dynamic grief.

    It has been almost six months now since this hole was created in my universe, and every day someone asks me how I am so “strong” or “positive.” I will tell you exactly how.

    When I’m mad, I get mad. I allow myself to hear why I am mad because I know answers are on the other side of that. I don’t place my anger on anyone or anything. I just let it out as it is, even if it doesn’t make any sense.

    When I’m sad, I get sad. Even if that means I cry in my car because I walked past someone eating a flavor of ice cream that he enjoyed. Even if that means crying on my birthday because I realized it was the first year I wouldn’t hear from him. Even if that means I cry for no other reason besides missing my brother. I let it flow because I am alive and I can feel.

    And when I’m happy, you best believe I’m happier than a three-year-old in between meltdowns. Because of all the human emotions that I get to endure, the one he would want me to amplify the most is wild, epic, unleashed happiness.

    They say grief is like waves, and I honestly couldn’t explain it any more eloquently than that. As a professional beachgoer, the thing I can tell you about waves is that they have two extremes: If you work with the waves, they are flowing and forgiving; if you fight against them, they will pull you under to the depths.

    This is how you move with grace through grief. The fight creates a deep abyss of suffering; the flow creates a space for forgiveness. I’m not saying there won’t be pain; there will be deafening pain to endure on this ride. And on the other side of that pain is forgiving and wild happiness that I like to think our lost pieces are sending to us. This is how I am strong through my grief.

    I am mad, sad, and happy sometimes all in one day. I feel pain and yet I live so passionately, exactly the way my brother would want me to. I am not strong because I am positive; I am strong because I feel it all. Strength hides in the depth of every emotion. Tap into each flow.

  • How Observing My Emotions Helps Me Let Go of Anger and Anxiety

    How Observing My Emotions Helps Me Let Go of Anger and Anxiety

    “Even when in the midst of disturbance, the stillness of the mind can offer sanctuary.” ~Stephen Richards

    One night my four-year-old daughter woke up crying, startling both me and my husband from sleep. He rushed into her room and I came in shortly thereafter, and I immediately got annoyed with how he was handling the situation. I’ll admit this now: I can’t even remember what he did, but in that moment I knew I would have done it differently and it made me feel irritable and angry.

    I left the room and went into the bathroom. While I sat there, I remembered something I’d heard to do in order to become a calmer, more mindful person: Observe myself and describe my emotions and what was going on in my body as if I was telling a doctor about medical symptoms.

    I simply noticed what was going on inside me as if I was another person watching myself and ran through what was happening. I described how I felt agitated and how my stomach felt knotty. I described how the anger felt hot and prickly and how it was consuming my chest.

    Then the most amazing thing happened: My anger completely vanished.

    I was astonished. Usually I can talk myself out of negative or overwhelming emotions with some time and patience by coming up with new thoughts or convincing myself to simply let go. But this, this was something different. It happened so quickly and easily.

    I was really struck by this experience, and a week or two later I tried doing something similar while I was meditating before bed one evening. That night I felt stressed out and sad, and I could feel how I was carrying a frown around with me, and a feeling of heaviness.

    During my meditation, I kept pulling myself back to the present moment and noticing how and where I was carrying those feelings. I didn’t judge them or try to change them; I just observed them. Within a few moments a strong feeling overcame me. I can only describe it as a wave of knowing that told me “those feelings are not you.”

    It was so soothing. I felt how I was the observer, and although my sad and anxious feelings were certainly a real part of my human experience, I saw that I didn’t have to become engulfed by them. I didn’t have to let them rule me or my life.

    I’m a person with a lot of emotions. I tend toward anxiety and sadness, though I certainly have some anger, or at least irritation, thrown in there for good measure. Being able to separate myself from these emotions has been so freeing.

    I’m not saying that emotions aren’t valid, or that we shouldn’t have feelings about things that happen in our lives. I do believe, though, we can move forward in the most helpful and joyful way possible if we take the time to observe those feelings and get some distance from them.

    If I’d stayed mad and acted out at my husband that night, over something so inconsequential that I can’t even remember the details of it now, a month or two later, would that have been the best outcome for me? I don’t believe so; middle of the night arguments never end well.

    I think noticing and describing emotions allows for the best outcome. If you’ve been mistreated by someone, by all means, allow yourself that anger and frustration. From there, though, step back. Take a look at what you’re saying to yourself and where that frustration lives.

    Once you’ve done that and given yourself some distance, then make your next move. Making a decision from a place of stillness and reflection can only make your life better.

    This is a practice that, well, takes practice. I have to remind myself to do it, and frankly, sometimes I don’t want to. A stubborn, bratty part of myself yells something along the lines of “I want to stay mad!”

    It’s worth it though, at least to me, and I’m incorporating it into my life more and more. I’m finding myself a calmer and more centered person, and that’s something I’ve wanted for a long time. Here’s everything that’s been working for me and how it can work for you, too.

    Get comfortable with the idea that you’re an observer. The older I get, the more I realize how much of what I do is just a pattern, a repetition of the ways I’ve done things before. That has allowed me to identify less with what my mind is telling me and to give myself permission to simply observe what’s happening instead of taking it all so seriously.

    Avoid judging yourself and your emotions. Just this morning I started getting worried about the sadness my daughter was expressing about going back to preschool after a break for vacation. I started getting frustrated at myself for getting sucked into my feelings and not doing better, but in that moment I realized I needed to let go of criticizing myself and instead just observe. And, as usual, it helped.

    Give yourself the time and space to practice. This is not what we’ve been taught to do. At all. We’ve been taught to try to control our emotions, we’ve been taught to express emotions in healthier ways, we’ve been taught to give in and feel emotions. The idea of observing our emotions? I didn’t hear of that until I was thirty-seven years old.

    Try to see your emotions as separate from the real you. I believe that at our core we’re compassionate and loving beings. The stories our minds tell us—about how we’ve been wronged or how things should be different—are just that: stories.

    Let yourself observe what the mind is telling you. Let yourself observe how those stories are causing you to feel. Take the time to really describe, in vivid detail, what you’re telling yourself and what you’re feeling physically. Are your shoulders up to your ears? Is your chest tight? Are your firsts clenched? What’s your face doing? Do you feel hot? Do you feel like you’re in slow motion? Describe it all.

    When you take the time to do that, you’re taking the time to see that those feelings, those emotions are separate from you. You’re the loving being who is observing them. You’re the one with the power to let them go.

    Just try it. Taking the time to increase my awareness and observe myself has improved my life in just a short time, and I think it can make anyone’s life more peaceful.

  • Why Moving Didn’t Solve Any of My Problems

    Why Moving Didn’t Solve Any of My Problems

    “Wherever you go, you take yourself with you.” ~Neil Gaiman

    When I had the chance to relocate to Vancouver some years ago, the opportunity also came with the distinct need to try something new and leave my comfort zone. To be quite honest, I had also become frustrated with many things in my life at the time: work, friendships, relationships including family, and the general “noise” that I felt I couldn’t avoid.

    I was beginning to lose my temper more easily. I found excuses to shorten visits with family and friends or to avoid visiting in the first place. Work seemed to have little meaning or fulfilment, regardless of the time that I committed to it. I felt that a new environment would be a great chance to grow, to try something new, and to enjoy being “anonymous” in a new place.

    Sometimes we crave that idea, to wipe the slate clean and start over. And my new home 3,000km away was great. It felt fresh and fed my curiosity.

    Being on the opposite side of the country gave me a tangible sense of distance from the things that were challenging to me. And being in an environment that offered me quick access to the ocean and mountains was quite healing.

    Returning to my old home wasn’t something I seriously considered at all. Even with my visits back home for holidays and family celebrations in the first couple of years, I really looked forward to coming back to my new home.

    Over time, though, I started to get the itch again. At the time, I couldn’t put my finger on it, but certain things about my new home were starting to chafe.

    Some of the same behaviors started to surface again. I was beginning to lose interest in my work. Friendships were starting to fade, and I began to enjoy my solitude more and more. I would feel resentful at those around me who seemingly didn’t have the same concerns and seemed to “float along” through their existence instead of flailing against the current.

    My visits back home were always enjoyable, but it became more difficult each time to leave. I began to really miss the family and friends who I had left behind. I was watching nieces and nephews grow up from a distance. The story that I had told myself over the years, that I was more of a solitary individual and didn’t need connections, was starting to feel more untrue every day. Eventually I made the decision to return home. Thankfully, it was an easy transition with my job.

    When people asked me why I came back, I answered honestly that it was because I missed my family and friends, and the things that I had disliked about my home city when I initially left didn’t seem so bad anymore.

    Being back home now for more than ten years, I have a different appreciation for my experiences. Travel allows me to explore and experience new things. I like revisiting places to see what I may have missed the first time around or to dive deeper into an experience that I really enjoyed. But I now understand that there’s a difference between traveling or moving for passion and doing either to escape myself.

    When I chose to leave home I originally attributed my decision to external things that I found annoying, draining, or uncomfortable. But I now understand that it wasn’t things that were external to me that were causing conflict within me; it was my beliefs.

    I’ve come to learn how things that trigger me are areas of my own beliefs and behaviors that need some reflection and healing. The lack of meaning in my work at the time, the seeming superficiality in everyday interactions with people, the frustration at getting distracted by the “noise” around me—these were all things I needed to look at inside myself honestly, to better understand what I could learn from them.

    I realized that I only believed I was happier in my solitude because I feared opening myself up to other people. And I discounted other people’s efforts and achievements because I envied their drive and determination, and believed I wasn’t actually worthy of the attention or accolades because I felt like an impostor in my professional life.

    Through acceptance, knowing that I am enough, forgiving myself, and truly appreciating the amazing people and experiences in my life, I have been able to change my outlook and approach to my life.

    Finding the teaching in all those situations was huge for me. It made me realize that my attempt to change myself by changing my environment was well-intentioned but not the most effective way for me to grow.

    Sometimes, changing your environment can give you that perspective you need to look at things from a different angle.

    Sure, moving across the country pushed some buttons for me and made me very resourceful. It also pushed me out of my comfort zone and gave me a sense of bravery through anonymity. I see now how that perceived bravery was more of a desire to not be judged. It’s amazing how open you become to risk when you believe that no one “knows” you, that they have no history with you. You feel that they are seeing you for the first time.

    The things that were my triggers merely traveled with me across the country. Even after moving, I still watched others around me building their lives while I felt stuck, and I still felt that I was not enough in friendships and relationships. As a result, I worked extra hard to fill those voids but didn’t feel worthy of the attention they drew to me.

    For a while, I was able to avoid this truth because I distracted myself with the newness of my surroundings. I don’t discount the experiences that I had in my new home, but it’s clear to me now that my triggers would eventually resurface until I understood them better.

    I now know that the better I understand, accept, and forgive myself, and stay curious, the more I can enjoy being wherever I am. Travel represents many things for me now: enjoyment, relaxation, learning, connections, and new experiences. But it is no longer the escape I once believed I needed to fix the challenges I was encountering. The better I know myself and the more authentic I am, the more I can enjoy being wherever I may roam.

    I thank you for the time you’ve taken to read this, and I ask you to reflect on your own choices for travel and relocating and hope that you open yourself to the world inside yourself as well.

  • How to Feel More in Control When Life Gets Overwhelming

    How to Feel More in Control When Life Gets Overwhelming

    “When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.” ~Confucius

    I’m in the middle of a career transition and it hasn’t been easy. For the first few months after quitting my job—a job which I thought should have been perfect, where I thought I would stay for years—I was paralyzed into inaction regarding anything career-related. I had lost confidence in my own judgment; after all, I had thought that job would be the one and it wasn’t, so did I even really know what I wanted?

    This kind of self-doubt makes me second-guess myself to the extreme—my goals, my desires, and even the validity of my feelings. This often means I start doing something, question what I’m doing and how I’m doing it, feel stressed and overwhelmed, and then end up doing nothing.

    I’m still in this transition, but where once the self-doubt and overwhelm paralyzed me every day, I’m now taking back control and beginning to shape my life how I want it.

    First, let me present you with a story. Jessica is a high school student in the middle of taking the SAT. She really wants to do well because she knows that getting a higher score improves her chances of getting into her dream school and qualifying for scholarships.

    Everyone has told her how important the SAT is, how hard it is to do well, and (unfortunately) how unlikely she is to get her goal score. On the test, she reaches a tough question and has no clue how to answer it. Here are two of her choices:

    -Option A: Jessica racks her brain, her mind filled with thoughts of her dream school slipping away; she tries a few different methods but only manages to eliminate one incorrect choice; she second-guesses herself and then realizes that time has slipped away from her and, feeling anxious and flustered, she rushes through the rest of the test.

    -Option B: She skips the question, continuing with the rest of the test and answering all the questions she feels confident about. When she returns to the difficult question, she finds that it is not as hard as it first seemed and is able to solve it with confidence. She remains in control of her test experience and finishes the test with confidence.

    What does this example have to do with those of us who aren’t high school teenagers and are going through stressful times? A lot in fact.

    When Jessica encounters an obstacle in an already-stressful time, she can try to force her way through it, as in Option A, or skip the question and come back to it, as in Option B.

    As a test prep instructor, I teach my students to do the second option through a guided exercise, and the students are surprised to find how much easier the “hard” questions are after answering the easier ones. The second approach builds up confidence, while the first approach increases test anxiety.

    I wondered if I might be able to apply this test-taking strategy to life or if it was too ridiculous to work. As it turns out, by temporarily turning my attention to something else—’skipping’ the problem with the intention to return to it later—I was able to minimize my feelings of overwhelm and take steps that I was once paralyzed to take, steps like learning new skills.

    When faced with overwhelm, the best way to handle it is to stop and do something else. This holds true whether we are taking a test or facing a more complex source of stress.

    We rarely do this because it is counterintuitive. When we feel overwhelmed, we often feel that there’s too much to do, there’s not enough time or resources, we don’t know where to start, and in general our goals feel unattainable. If there’s so much to do and so little time, how can we justify “wasting” time doing something else? Won’t that just delay our goals further?

    However, by seeing how ineffective Option A is for Jessica, I realized there might be a parallel to other aspects of life. In the same amount of time that Jessica could spend being frustrated or anxious, she can choose to say “not yet” or “not right now” and move on to something else, knowing that the problem will be sitting right where it was.

    Now, whenever I notice the constricting sensation of overwhelm, I know that my next step is to stop whatever I’m doing and switch gears. I could be ruminating, folding laundry, or writing, but no matter what I must stop and do something else.

    An amazing thing happens when I do this: I regain control over the shape of my life.

    I may not have control over all my life circumstances or even my emotions, but I do control how I react. When I choose to react in ways that nourish my sense of well-being and provide me with a sense of accomplishment, I am able to face challenges for what they are.

    If sitting down to write a blog post seems especially daunting right now, then I’ll do some chores. If the chores seem difficult, I’ll go for a walk. If a walk seems like too much, I’ll journal stream-of-consciousness.

    The specific task that overwhelms us and the task we choose to do instead aren’t what matters most for this method. It’s the inherent power of choice that allows us to brush off societal definitions of success and pursue our own ever-evolving sense of success.

    While it’s not possible to provide specific alternative actions for every scenario, here are some general ideas of things to do when you’re feeling overwhelmed:

    -Go somewhere. It could be as simple as going to another room or going somewhere across town. The change of scenery can bring a fresh perspective to a prior problem.

    -Make something. You could draw, cook, or fold a paper airplane. When we engage our creativity, we have fun and build confidence through effort rather than results.

    -I often feel energized but directionless when I am overwhelmed, and maybe you do too. Enjoying your favorite type of exercise can improve your mood and release pent-up energy.

    -Whether you connect with loved ones or with a spiritual/religious practice, connecting with others helps us feel supported when we try something new.

    While overwhelm is bound to happen in our lives, we can choose to react in ways that enable us to feel confident and in control. It’s not the same as running away from your problems; it’s finding a circuitous route that has an immediate benefit of improving your sense of well-being and long-term benefit of helping you take action and find solutions.

    By taking charge of the content of our lives, we can find that even when overwhelm happens, we have the tools to work with it and the power to shape our lives through our choices and actions.

  • Are You Wasting Your Time?

    Are You Wasting Your Time?

    “Life is what happens while we’re busy worrying about everything we need to change or accomplish. Slow down, get mindful, and try to enjoy the moment. This moment is your life.” ~Lori Deschene

    I was on my way to work. At the time I worked at a bar. It was a Thursday night and my shift started at 8:50 PM. I was running late. I was in a hurry. It happened a block away from my job.

    The green light changed and the world stopped. The next thing I remembered I was waking up in an ambulance. The paramedics asked me if I knew what had happened. They asked me if I knew where I was, but everything was a blank.

    I don’t remember how it happened. I don’t remember much of anything to this day. Just that I was driving to work, and next thing I knew there was a woman at my driver side window telling me she was calling for help and an ambulance would be there shortly.

    I was hysterical. I had no clue what was going on. Why was she calling an ambulance? What happened? Was someone hurt? Reality was split. Some part of me was in the car while the other was eons away. I blacked out.

    A police officer came while I was in the hospital. He said I had been hit in the passenger side of my car by a Chrysler Town & Country minivan. There were four eighteen-year-old boys inside. They were all okay.

    I started to remember the accident a few days after it happened. I remembered being slumped over in the passenger seat bleeding and crying.

    At that time I didn’t realize I was hurt, I didn’t even know what had happened. All I remembered were the thoughts going through my head. Not if I would be paralyzed or seriously injured. Not if I would get the chance to go to college in the fall. All I could think was “I’m going to be late for work.”

    At that moment, instead of thinking about the things I cared about, all of my obligations plagued me all at once.

    That experience got me thinking, why was it that the first thing on my mind was work, weekend obligations, and chores? Why would my subconscious draw my attention to these things? Why was my boss, of all people, the first person I called? Were my life and my family less important than my job?

    I did a lot of thinking about that night in the next few months that followed. It was the scariest moment of my life. Not because I could have been badly injured or worse, but because it was the first time I realized my priorities were all wrong. The things I stressed and worried about didn’t really matter in the scheme of things.

    It’s been five years since the accident, but in those years I’ve realized a few things:

    1. Everything is temporary, whether pain or pleasure.

    My eighteen-year-old brain started to realize this after the car accident but didn’t fully grasp it until later five years later. At the time, totaling my car, sustaining the mild but painful injuries, and having to still be an adult and go to work and family events, seemed like the worst thing in the world. I didn’t want to do any of it. At times through college I experienced a similar kind of grief when life just seemed to pile up and crush me under the weight of responsibility.

    Even when the world feels like it will stop, it doesn’t. Life goes on. You figure out a way to move on with it, and the pain it eventually falls away.

    2. Always be grateful.

    Be grateful even when it feels like you have nothing to be grateful for. Be the most grateful when times are hard because it reminds you how lucky you are when things are good. Learning to accept what life gives you and how to love the journey takes practice, patience, and a thankful heart.

    For a while after the accident I went through life feeling really angry. I was mad that I didn’t have my car. I wanted to sue the boys that hit me. It took time but I realized what happened to me wasn’t the end of the world. I had all my limbs and I had the rest of my life to look forward to.

    3. If we waste our time stressing about the little things we will always be stressed.

    Once coming to the conclusion that all things are temporary it’s easier to let go of the little things because you know that they aren’t worth getting stressed about. Give yourself the five-year rule. If it won’t matter five years from now (and most things won’t matter five weeks from now), don’t let yourself get too worked up about it.

    4. We all get the same amount of time each day, and it’s up to us how we spend it.

    I had this teacher in high school, Mr. Fails, who stressed the fact that we all get the same amount of seconds in a day, and it is up to us to use that time wisely. We let our priorities dictate our use of time, but are our priorities in order? Do we use our time to improve? To learn as much as we can and continue to grow?

    I wasn’t in the frame of mind to do that yet, and I wouldn’t be for the next few years. The more twists and turns my life took and the more I saw people change without growing, the more I thought about the constraints time can have.

    I decided that the most important thing I can do with my seconds is what makes me happy, which is seeing myself learn and grow, through writing, through life’s challenges, and through life’s blessings.

    When is the last time you did something that made you happy? I don’t mean temporarily happy; I don’t mean that summer vacation you went on that was exciting for a second. I mean the kind of happiness that lingers, that you can think about and still smile, the kind of happiness that you get from great love, or doing something you never thought possible.

    Too often we base our happiness on tangible objects—houses, cars, clothes, and stupid things that give us a quick buzz of instant gratification. The kind of things that will only give you joy for a blip of time in the scheme of things.

    Real happiness comes from using our time in a way that feels authentic and meaningful to us. For some, that might mean making major life changes, But this also can mean spending more time with the people we love, or enjoying the little things that we might deprioritize when we’re focused on work and our goals.

    Life doesn’t guarantee much, but it does guarantee that there will be 86,400 seconds in a day. You don’t have a right to those seconds and I can’t guarantee that you will get them, but, with you or without you, they will tick by.

    When you are going into your dead-end job every day, when you are in an unhappy relationship that is going nowhere, and when you are spending your time unsatisfied with the life you’ve created, I want you to remember that you have 86,400 seconds every day, and it’s your choice how you use them. Are you wasting your time?

    If you are, because you think you have it to waste, or you think that the seconds aren’t as important as the hours and days, if you are constantly telling yourself that you will do it tomorrow, remember this: in the time it took you to read this article…

    Someone died in a car accident, someone else was abducted, someone just committed suicide, someone was shot, someone was married, someone had a baby, someone was reunited with a loved one, someone was wrongfully convicted, someone was bullied, someone is crying, someone beat cancer, someone died of cancer, someone cheated on their wife, and someone found hope.

    All that and more has happened while you sat there and read this. There are bad things happening in this world, and there are beautiful things happening in this world. You never know what’s coming, so why waste the little time you may have?

    Find what makes you happy and do it! Don’t wait for the right moment; it may never come. Don’t make up excuses because there is always a way. You might not be able to make major changes instantly, but you can make tiny shifts in your daily life and take tiny steps toward the life you want to create.

    Too many people waste their precious time worrying about what might be, could have been, and will never happen. Be the kind of person that spends their time loving, living, and letting go of what is unimportant.

  • How Doing Less Can Help You Have More of What Matters

    How Doing Less Can Help You Have More of What Matters

    “Clarity about what matters provides clarity about what does not.” ~Cal Newport

    Our culture celebrates the image of being able to get it all done. Having it all. Juggling work and life, while being a massive success at both. Having the big house, the shiny new car, the wife or husband, kids, and pets waiting for us with big smiles at the end of each and every day. Always being happy. Feeling constantly fulfilled. Living a life packed full of sunshine, light, and adventure in every single moment.

    It’s a nice image. It’s pretty intoxicating. It’s also largely a myth. A myth that can lead us down a dangerous path. In response to the message that we can have it all, many of us try to do it all.

    We try to get too many things done at once. Chasing many goals at the same time. Multi-tasking, mental juggling, plate spinning, and general tail chasing soon follows. As it does, we begin to live in a state of constant distraction, getting further away from achieving anything of real value.

    Starting is so much easier than finishing, so we take on more and more, even though we are already overloaded. We exhaust ourselves. We start to feel flat. We know there must be a better way, but we’ve lost our sense of what that may look like along the way. We’ve gotten lost in busyness.

    A Different Way – Narrow Focus

    What if we tried going in a different direction? Instead of chasing more, we could choose to intentionally concentrate on less.

    We could commit to focusing on things more tightly. Shutting out the noise and discarding the distractions as best we can. We could focus on one thing at a time, get it done, then start on whatever’s next. Replace multi-tasking with single-tasking. Stop chasing the shiny and new and pursuing variety, for the sake of distraction, as we reconnect with the ability to focus deeply.

    The narrow and deep approach is becoming rarer in a world so attracted to distracted. Many of us are losing touch with our ability to sit and truly focus on one thing at a time. Instead of an inch-wide, mile-deep approach we go in the opposite direction. Spreading ourselves wide but rarely deeply.

    We face an overwhelming amount of information each and every day. Just switching on our smartphone opens up the world—quite literally. Alerts and pings tell us another incoming message is here, and we feel a mini-endorphin rush with each one. We meet friends for lunch but can’t resist the impulse to check our tiny screens every five minutes. We rush from this commitment to the next, never really feeling like we’re truly on top of things or present.

    We’re busy, no doubt, but what exactly are we getting done?

    The truth is these distractions are here to stay. If anything, they are likely to increase. We need to tap into our ability to focus deeply, in spite of the distractions. We need to take control back and appreciate the power of positive constraints.

    My Story: Hitting the Wall and Coming Back

    I appreciate the innate power of narrowing our focus because for a large chunk of my life, I lived another way.

    I worked long days. I kept a to-do list that got longer and longer. I covered the workload of ‘team’ members, either too lazy or incapable of doing their own work, and I definitely started earlier and stayed later.

    I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about the next deadline. I lived in urgent mode, a constant state of reaction. Caffeine helped fuel this state. Like a 100m sprinter waiting for the gun to go, I’d anticipate and be waiting for the next bang. And then, as you may have guessed, I suffered something of a burn out!

    I was exhausted, both physically and mentally. Not just tired but spent. Externally, I projected a sense of calm and being in control, but underneath I had been paddling too hard for too long. I needed to reset. I was on a path that definitely did not feel like my path.

    I knew there must be a better way. I knew this had become my life but couldn’t be my life. I wanted something different. More than that, I needed something different to thrive. So I took action.

    What followed was a paring down period. A commitment to simplifying my life and my approach to my work.

    I cut my to-do lists into pieces. Instead of trying to get everything done at once, I focused simply and purely on one or two main tasks a day. Once I got those done, I then gave myself permission to move on. I batched repeat tasks (phone calls, meetings, email, etc.) but refused to be imprisoned by inboxes any longer. I really started to purpose my days. I focused on less but ironically got more done.

    I was so committed and determined to make this new path, and the associated changes, stick that I went all in. Normally habit changing ‘experts’ recommend making small changes over time to let new habits ingrain. While this is sound advice on the surface, I knew I needed more immediate change. I had tried the other way and it had led me here. Here (at the time) was not where I wanted to be. I didn’t want to live my life constantly burnt out and stuck in reactive mode.

    So I continued down the rabbit hole of simplifying my commitments.

    I learned and used the power of “no.” I coached, mentored, and supported team members but stopped short of doing their work and thinking for them. I learned that doing the right things (and sometimes the tough things) up front, can mean other tasks no longer need doing at all. I realized someone else’s urgent doesn’t always make it my urgent.

    I embraced the power of 80/20 thinking and realized not everything needs doing. That means I concentrated on who and what means the most to me—the 20% of my life that provides 80% of the value—and let other demands on my time go.

    I got the white space back in my days and no longer felt I needed to rush from this to that. I got time back, I got energy back, I got my life back.

    And a funny thing happened in tandem. More so than ever before, other people started to notice that I was someone who got things done. Words like “organized,” “focused” and “takes his responsibilities seriously” regularly appeared in feedback.

    I became known for meeting deadlines with minimal fuss, someone who was trusted to prioritize my own workload and the workload of others.

    I became known as someone who could navigate complex projects and environments, focusing effort on where it matters most.

    Emboldened, I began to double down on my approach. I became self-employed and started using these skills to help organizations achieve their goals. I enjoyed my work more, and my rewards for that work increased. My freedom and flexibility in my work increased. I now had much more say in how I worked, my time and labors no longer completely at the mercy of others.

    My health, mindset, and outlook all improved. I got ‘me’ back.

    That was nearly ten years ago. If I can do it, I’m sure you can do it. Your journey will be your own, of course, but if you’ve hit the point where commitments are crowding in on you, and your time no longer feels like your time, it is time to pause and reset.

    Words will not do justice to how tough this process can be, depending on your circumstances. However, I promise you something, the effort will be worth it. If you do this, you’ll never want to look back.

    Letting Go of Having It All and Chasing It All

    Narrowing our focus means we have to give attention to a select few areas of our lives, at the expense of others.

    We identify the handful of things that mean most to us in life (relationships with loved ones, our health, our work, self-improvement, contribution) and we prioritize them. We let some of the other stuff go, or set very clear boundaries.

    In our working space, we identify the areas where we can offer our best point of contribution and we try our best to focus on those areas. Maybe that means less time in our inbox and less time in meetings (if that’s an option) so we have more time to plan, strategize, or create. Maybe it means something else.

    In our lives, it means we make time for those that matter most to us. We make this quality time and turn up truly present and fully invested. We listen, we share, we love, we contribute. We also make time for our passion projects and hobbies. We invest in our physical, mental, and spiritual well-being. We challenge ourselves but are also kind to ourselves.

    Choosing to Chase Less

    We can all use the power of positive constraints to chase less but focus more.

    Take on less but get more done.

    We can all take small steps to try to schedule our days for success.

    The result may be that we get more back than we ever thought possible. Personally and professionally, we may approach a point of our highest contribution. We may find that doing less, but doing it better, sets us free to be the best versions of ourselves.

  • No Piece of Advice Is Right for Everyone, at All Times

    No Piece of Advice Is Right for Everyone, at All Times

    “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain ability to function.” ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

    Ever been inspired by a quote or an article you read on a self-improvement site like Tiny Buddha?

    I mean so inspired that you instantly and wholeheartedly started to apply the advice—no questions asked.

    Not only that, but in your inspiration, you started to brag about your newfound wisdom to all your friends.

    You just couldn’t shut up about this new piece of wisdom!

    If a friend was going through a breakup, you now knew just what to say.

    If a friend was complaining about an annoying person, again, you now knew just what to say.

    The piece of wisdom seemed perfect not just for every situation, but also for everyone!

    Well, at least you believed this to be true.

    So you applied the advice for a few weeks and everything was great in the world. This is, of course, until it wasn’t.

    As time went on, you began to have that dreadful feeling that something felt off.

    Oh no!

    In fact, a small, dreadful thought started to cross your mind—that the knot you felt in your guts was due to the advice you’d been wholeheartedly following.

    “But it can’t be,” you told yourself.

    You held on to the piece of advice for dear life. I mean, it became part of your identity!

    And after all, you’d already raved about the advice to all of your friends.

    You were then reminded of another piece of advice that spoke about discipline.

    Ah, that’s what it was.

    You felt a small sense of hope that it was just you and not the advice that was erred.

    Phew. You just have to be more disciplined, that’s totally what it was.

    So you ignored that feeling that something was missing for a bit longer. 

    Until one day, you came across another inspiring article on Tiny Buddha—one that seemingly conflicted with the advice you’d been such a big advocate of.

    “How can this be?” you wondered.

    Gulp.

    Before you knew it, you knew something had to change.

    But it couldn’t be tossing out that one piece of advice you’d been crazy about for the last few months.

    But then it hit you like a Bruce Lee kick to the face.

    You eventually started to realize, maybe the single piece of advice wasn’t the cure-all for that eternal feeling of fulfillment that you had hoped for.

    So what did you do?

    Conflicting Advice that Makes You Ignore One or the Other

    I once got inspired by a piece of social advice that not only inspired me, but worked!

    The advice talked about learning to genuinely become interested in all types of people because absolutely everyone has something interesting to share.

    So true.

    I talked to so many people and learned so many things!

    Along the same time, I also got inspired by another piece of advice that I got from the improv community. The advice talked about a philosophy called “Yes and…” which essentially talks about always keeping an open mind and to start every sentence with agreement—hence “yes and…”

    Those pieces of advice together worked beautifully. I started to see everyone as somebody worthy of learning from.

    Life became more beautiful when I didn’t easily get annoyed at everyone and instead saw everyone as someone who could help me on this journey called life.

    The advice seemed to be the best thing ever! At the time, I bragged to everyone about my new philosophy. I felt happy and didn’t think I’d ever stop practicing my newfound wisdom.

    All was good and beautiful.

    This is until it wasn’t.

    At this point in my life, I was spending a lot of time socializing, which at first was all great. However, after a couple months I realized I hadn’t done anything worthy of being proud of toward my career goals. This is when I started to feel like something was off.

    Now to add to it, around this time I came across an inspiring article on valuing my time and about the power of saying no. Super inspiring and made total sense. So what did I do?

    After some reflection, I decided to completely ditch the other seemingly contradicting advice that no longer served me.

    I started to find myself so much more productive. The advice was working. Once again, I was on cloud nine.

    “Just the advice for me!” I thought.

    I remember even hating that I’d spent so much time following the other piece of advice. At the time, I was staying at a hostel and remember I would secretly judge people who spent a lot of time socializing like I used to. I would say stupid things to myself like “These people are so not driven. How can they always be drinking?”

    I was very content with my new ability to say no and stay productive. All was good once again.

    Until, you guessed it… it wasn’t.

    The newfound wisdom, mixed with the fact that I had already slowly started becoming less interested in people, made a beautiful recipe for becoming antisocial. Not only that, but I was excusing my antisocial behavior with “I’m just valuing my time.”

    Then it hit me: Yeah, I was more productive, but I was feeling disconnected. I grew unhappy. Before I’d felt connected, but not productive. I’d grown unhappy then too.

    I now realized, for myself at least, there’s no single piece of advice that is good on its own.

    I had taken the social advice to the extreme and then taken the seemingly conflicting productivity advice to another extreme.

    Both made me happy in the short term, but not in the long-term.

    I now realize, both pieces of the conflicting advice are true and good, just not all the time.

    Conflicting Advice Working in Beautiful Harmony

    I came to learn that valuing my time was good. However, giving others my time is invaluable.

    Learning to say yes and being open-minded to everything is good. However, learning to say no is invaluable.

    Having great pride in myself is nice, but having extreme humility is very rewarding.

    Learning that I’m important and should learn to put myself first was nice, but learning that others are also important and that it’s nice to put others first sometimes is also very rewarding.

    Ironically, I think the single best piece of advice is that there is no single best piece of advice.

    Embracing Each Other’s Unique Experiences

    Just because following a piece of advice doesn’t exactly work for me anymore, doesn’t mean the advice was wrong or unrealistic.

    This is what I allowed myself to believe.

    One had to be right and the other had to be wrong.

    Now I see it happen quite often and especially when I reflect on my own life:

    Someone follows a piece of advice like “follow your heart” until they realize that following their heart has repeatedly gotten them into trouble. Then they start bitterly bashing that advice to friends and promoting decisions purely based on logic. The thing is, we have to learn when it’s appropriate to follow your heart and when it’s just plain dumb.

    But it’s still good advice; it just depends on where you are in life and the experiences leading you to the moment.

    Imagine a man known for boring people with endless rambles comes across an article on the importance of being able to lead a conversation. This advice is neither good nor bad, but in context, probably not the best piece of advice that this specific man should be listening to.

    Make Mistakes and Let Others Do The Same

    I’ve realized life is never black and white.

    There isn’t a one-size-fits-all piece of advice.

    And this, in my opinion, makes life beautiful because it encourages us to let go of judgment.

    In fact, I’d argue that what makes life beautiful is the lack of right and wrong. The courage to explore what you think will make you happy, even if others will judge you, is beautiful. Heck, even if you yourself will judge you!

    I’m sure that in two years, I’ll have to learn to adjust again as I continue to grow. Maybe I’ll look back at this article and not agree with some of my own points.

    It doesn’t mean any of my points are less true or more right.

    The belief that there is rarely an exact right or wrong has also helped me become more understanding of others. In any given situation, someone’s idea of right might be my idea of wrong and vice versa—as should be, because we all hold different values and aspirations.

    Looking back, I’m embarrassed at the way I would spend so much time judging others. I will go as far as admitting that many things I used to judge were actually things that I was subconsciously jealous of.

    Today, I hold a lot of traits that the five-year-younger version of me would judge. In fact, some of these traits are now my favorite things about myself.

    So, here’s a fun game to play with yourself:

    The next time you feel the inclination to say something is either right or wrong, bite your tongue for just a few seconds.

    I mean literally bite your tongue.

    Is there even just a 1% chance that your judgment of what is right or wrong is only subjective?

  • How I Stopped Feeling Guilty About Doing What’s Best for Me

    How I Stopped Feeling Guilty About Doing What’s Best for Me

    “A good rule of thumb is that any environment that consistently leaves you feeling bad about who you are is the wrong environment.” ~Laurie Helgoe

    Do you ever worry that if you fulfill your needs you will disappoint others? Do you ever feel guilty for doing what’s best for you?

    For years, I felt guilty about taking time for myself. I thought that being alone, away from the rest of the world, meant being selfish. This was especially true in one toxic relationship that kept dragging me down because I was afraid to make a change. As a peaceful, compassionate person who’s always been a good listener and a giver, I was drawn to his unstable and needy behavior, thinking that I could help him change for the better.

    But after two years of having to deal with constant putdowns from a possessive partner who thought I was selfish every time I craved alone time, I knew I was nearing my breaking point.

    I remember one night, after an exhausting day at work, I joyfully looked forward to a relaxing evening. As I drove home, all I could think of was taking a hot bath, brewing a fragrant herbal tea, and putting on my favorite fluffy pajamas. Under the dimmed light of my reading lamp, snug in a warm bed, I got lost in the world of mystery and imagination that made my soul come alive.

    Just a few minutes into my reading session, I received a text from him, demanding me to “get ready in ten because we’re going out, and you don’t have a choice.”

    At first, I ignored the message and went back to my reading, since he’d made plans earlier that week to see his friends. Then he called but I didn’t pick up. Finally, after several attempts to reach me, he came rushing to my apartment, banging on the front door.

    I pretended to be asleep and didn’t answer. The truth is that I was frightened and reluctant to open the door given his usual aggressive behavior.

    I didn’t want to confront him because I knew he wouldn’t understand. I felt mentally and physically drained for having to constantly explain myself and for letting him manipulate me yet again. I was fed up with having to come up with believable reasons why I needed time for myself, and I was sick and tired of constantly changing my plans for him.

    But as he left, I started to feel horrible. I felt guilty about avoiding the situation and for not being able to stand up to him. What made me feel even guiltier was that I’d finally done what I was afraid to do for so long. I’d listened to my inner guidance and done what was best for me.

    Still, instead of going back to reading and enjoying my evening ritual, I opened up a one-pound bar of chocolate and slowly devoured the massive amount of fat and sugar in a matter of minutes. Instantly, I got back into my “happy” mood, thinking life was good again. But then, as the guilt of eating so much sugar slowly sank in, I found myself back at square one, feeling even worse.

    This happened over a decade ago, when I struggled with a full-blown sugar addiction. To compensate for my inability to say no, being a perfectionist, and staying in a toxic relationship, I’d eat sugar. A lot of it. I was so drawn to sweets and chocolate that I couldn’t go a day without eating at least a whole bar. It was part of my daily routine and something I considered normal.

    Sugar was the answer to all my hardships. It was my biggest excuse for staying where I was and not doing anything about my life.

    Unsurprisingly, I struggled with self-blame, feeling that I was deeply flawed because I was an introvert. In childhood, I was ashamed of being regularly humiliated by my math teacher in front of the whole class and continuously bullied by some of my classmates and older students. Later on, the same guilt haunted me in similar ways, but as I grew older, it became a part of me, almost like a sickness.

    After that day, I decided to end the toxic relationship that made me doubt my worth and scarred me emotionally for years. I finally found the courage to confront the person who’d used blaming, shaming, and threatening to cover up all of his wrongdoings.

    Throughout our whole relationship, I apologized every time he hurt me because I felt guilty for making him feel bad. I tried so hard to be the perfect girl who never made mistakes, never spoke her mind, and never messed up. I found myself agreeing with everything while my conscience screamed the opposite. For so long, I tried to fix what was broken. I felt hurt, lonely, and betrayed.

    The truth is that I believed I was responsible for what he felt. For his actions. For how he saw me. I was afraid of being judged, so I diminished my value to make him feel comfortable. And I was slowly losing myself.

    I became an obsessive perfectionist, paralyzed by the fear of not being good enough. Everything I did had to be absolutely perfect. But no matter how hard I tried, it was never enough to meet his expectations.

    Now, I know that the guilt I felt that night was the reaction I’d gotten accustomed to, my place of comfort that told me I was safe. But no matter how guilty I felt for doing what I felt was right for me, I gained invaluable courage to start making a change.

    It took a great deal of work, patience, and understanding, as well as learning through growth and change, to know what I wanted out of a relationship and how I wanted to be treated.

    I started with forgiveness. I forgave myself for not listening to my intuition and for treating my body and mind badly. Knowing that I cannot change the past and that I do not actually want to go back there, I became mindful of the mistakes I’d made and learned invaluable lessons.

    When I became honest with myself about what I wanted, I began to take care of myself, preserving my health, nourishing my body, and nurturing my soul. I made my priorities clear and realized what was important to me. I started eating healthy and exercising regularly.

    Finding the courage to put an end to my unhealthy relationship inspired me to take action and do something about my serious sugar addiction, which was slowly but surely destroying my health. I signed up for a wellness course that I’d been telling myself I would enroll in for months. Just reaching this place was a huge success for me, at the time.

    I remember the moment I got there, I freaked out, unable to catch my breath. All I wanted to do was leave and never return. I thought I wasn’t ready to give up sugar, since it was keeping me safe and comfortable. All I could think of was getting one more bite of my favorite chocolate while promising myself, “I’m quitting tomorrow.”

    After days of crying in agony and successfully completing the workshop, I decided to continue without sugar for the whole month. I promised myself that I would let go of the one thing that was making me happy momentarily but holding me back in so many areas of my life.

    And that’s when something incredible happened. I noticed that the more I held off sugar, the more I pushed myself to pursue other things. I started waking up early and meditating. I began making better food choices and training for long-distance running. Postponing the immediate gratification and choosing not to eat what was actually hurting me, made me a much happier, more productive person.

    I became completely aware that my vice provided a powerful short-term relief, but in reality, it was forming a vicious cycle that was leaving me feeling vulnerable, empty, and regretful.

    After I’d forgiven myself, I forgave others. No matter how hard it was, I found the strength to forgive anyone who’d harmed me and asked for forgiveness of everyone I had unknowingly or deliberately wronged in the past.

    Forgiving someone means that you are letting go of bitterness and resentment toward that person. It doesn’t mean that you need to contact them or continue having them in your life. Not at all. They don’t even have to know, but in your heart, you know that you have no sourness left, only love and acceptance.

    And finally, I accepted myself for who I am and for having my own needs. I went back to reading daily and taking courses and certifications to better myself and improve my skills. I started trusting my innate needs and desires because I finally realized that it’s up to me to decide how I spend my time and how much alone time I need.

    As introverts, we feel guilty for not talking enough, for not going out as often as we think we should, and for avoiding social situations because we need time alone. We often end up in toxic relationships because we give, we love, we care about other people’s feelings, and we don’t want to hurt anyone.

    But our alone time is so vital to our well-being that if we don’t listen to our needs we end up feeling frustration, resentment, and the inevitable fatigue that goes with them.

    Living life according to your own needs doesn’t make you a selfish person. It’s perfectly okay to spend time away from others, to fulfill your need to read, write, create, and explore. It’s okay to want to be alone and to enjoy it. It’s okay to do whatever you need to do to feel fulfilled, balanced, and connected to yourself.

    Never feel guilty for doing what’s best for you or for prioritizing what you value in life. Never feel guilty for being honest about how you feel, and never apologize for being you.

  • 3 Things the Dying Taught Me About Living Well

    3 Things the Dying Taught Me About Living Well

    “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

    I am a hospice chaplain.

    I provide spiritual care to the dying and their families.

    I do this by being present with them. I listen to their fears, worries, joys, concerns, and regrets. I listen carefully to what is said, and attend thoughtfully to what is not said.

    When people find out what I do for a living, the reaction is almost universal: “Wow, that must be hard. I could never do it.”

    I totally get it. In fact, years before doing this work, I remember reacting to a hospice volunteer in a very similar way. I was terrified of death. I didn’t like thinking about it or talking about it. I certainly never thought I’d spend my days comforting the dying.

    What I didn’t understand back then was that the dying weren’t another species. They are beautiful and courageous human beings who don’t stop living just because they’re dying. They are no different from the rest of us, except that they are more keenly aware of the preciousness of their time on earth.

    To my surprise, spending time with the dying has taught me a number of important lessons about living.

    Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

    1. It’s not too late.

    Most people who offer lessons from the dying often say, “Don’t wait.” Of course, I can testify that I have also learned this from the dying. I’ve had patients tell me that they wished they had pursued things they’ve always wanted to do. These conversations can be heartbreaking.

    But I’ve also journeyed with others who have taken up new interests as they were dying. One patient started painting as a way to process her feelings and emotions about dying. Self-taught, she discovered she had a knack for it and soon was creating beautiful works of art to share with family and friends.

    Another patient who had a long and difficult marriage decided to make things right with his spouse after receiving his terminal diagnosis. Many people in this situation would understandably say something like, “We wish we’d done this sooner.” Instead they were saying, “This diagnosis brought us back together.”

    What these incredible examples have taught me is this: It’s not too late. Though I fully resonate with the advice, “Don’t wait,” the problem is that many people believe they’ve already waited too long and that it’s already too late.

    They believe it’s too late to start a hobby, career, or pursue a lifelong dream. They believe it’s too late to mend a broken relationship or start a new one.

    If there’s something you’ve been putting off for months or years, the advice “Don’t wait” is sound. If you feel like your time has passed, know that as long as you’re breathing, it’s not too late.

    As the saying goes, “The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second best time is now.”

    2. It’s okay to not have all the answers.

    We place so much pressure on ourselves to be know-it-alls.

    It’s one of the reasons why we shun death. There are no easy answers. As a hospice chaplain, I often get asked questions like, “Why is this happening to me?” or “Why is life so unfair?” or “Where will I go after I die?”

    Most patients aren’t expecting me to give them the answers to these questions. They simply need someone to hold space for them to wrestle with their deepest hopes and concerns.

    And when it comes to dying, no one’s an expert. I remember sitting with a highly intelligent person whose career required him to have many answers. During one of our visits, he admitted to me that he was not an expert at dying and he’s just as scared as everyone else. He too was wrestling with the same questions we all must wrestle with at some point.

    There’s something incredibly freeing about dropping the know-it-all act. Rather than using our knowledge and intelligence to gain a sense of superiority over others, we can share in our common humanity. We can feel safe to admit to one another, “I don’t know.” Dropping the act deepens connection and intimacy between people.

    3. It’s okay to not be okay.

    I once had a patient who during our first visits expressed that he was okay with dying. He lived life the best he could and felt at peace with his life.

    But as his health declined, it was clear that he was not okay with dying. He was young, had kids at home, and felt like there were things still left for him to do. He became increasingly anxious about the dying process.

    During one of our meetings after having wrestled with his change in disposition, he concluded, “I realized that I need to be okay with not being okay.” Paradoxically, facing his discomfort with dying helped him manage his fears and even brought him to a deeper level of peace.

    So many of us spend our energy convincing ourselves and the world that things are okay when they’re not. We carefully curate our social media channels so only the highlights are featured. We love the idea of controlling the narrative our lives.

    When we do this, we’re denying ourselves the opportunity for personal growth that begins when we can look ourselves in the mirror and just admit that we’re not okay.

    Contemplating Death Will Help You Live

    Contemplating one’s own death can be challenging and scary, but it doesn’t have to be. The lessons I’ve learned from the dying have helped me appreciate life more. It’s helped change my perspective on what’s important and what’s not. It’s helped me to make better decisions.

    I can’t say I’m fully over my fears of dying, but I am more comfortable contemplating it. And I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned so far and for the lessons I’m yet to learn.

    How might contemplating your death help you live better?

  • You Know What’s Best for You, So Stop Giving Your Power Away

    You Know What’s Best for You, So Stop Giving Your Power Away

    “Insight is not a light bulb that goes off inside our heads. It is a flickering candle that can easily be snuffed out.” ~Malcolm Gladwell, Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking

    If there is just one thing I would absolutely love every person on this planet to understand, it is their own inner knowing. And if I could have two things, I would add the power that inner knowing gives to each of us.

    When it comes to what’s best for you, your own opinion is the only one that counts—and you can use it to change your life.

    It’s easy to be brainwashed in this society because right from the get-go, when we have no choice but to be dependent on others, we are taught to believe that others know better. This inadvertently teaches us to suppress our own desires, feelings, ideas, and opinions about the world.

    My parents, probably like yours, had very strong views about what was right and wrong. If I stepped outside those boundaries I was punished rather than left to experience the natural consequences of my thoughts and actions. That introduced self-doubt into the equation, and other damaging emotions like worry, anxiety, fear, guilt, and so on.

    With emotions like this in the mix, reinforced over many years, taking action based on our own insights becomes difficult. At best it’s fraught with an obstacle course of emotional bombs waiting to be set off along the way. At worst, we stagnate, freeze, and live our lives according to the opinion of others.

    As Malcolm Gladwell says, it’s too easy to snuff out the insights your inner knowing gives rise to—especially after years of suppressing them.

    When our parents enforced their boundaries and opinions, they were most often well-meaning, and they were likely just repeating the cycle of what they were taught. But it’s that generalized and pervasive trust in authority, that is perpetuated by well-meaning people, that causes the issue.

    I was not taught to trust my instincts or intuition; these weren’t words that were even a common part of my vocabulary. Yet, who else can I truly trust? If I live my life according to the opinion of others, can I ever be happy?

    We are each this unique cocktail of highly complex DNA, experiences, and feelings. Other people can inspire me, yes, they can reflect back to me what they are hearing, seeing and/or feeling from me, but I am the only one who can actually answer what is best for me. I started to really get this almost twenty years ago.

    “If it sounds ‘off’ to you, it probably is. Trust your instincts,” he said.

    This was on a phone call taking place across the Atlantic Ocean in the middle of the night. A mentor of mine, in a successful network marketing business, had turned whistleblower. He gave interviews for the national press and was featured on Dateline NBC.

    I’ll never forget it. I had been part of that business for seven years. There was nothing wrong with the plan to make money; it was legitimate. There was a personal development ‘system’ that sat alongside it that also worked well; the growth I had undergone was undeniable and worth every penny.

    It was the secretive approach of those in positions of influence, the concealed gains from the ‘system’ and the part that played in their projected lifestyles of success to entice others to follow suit, that was the problem.

    At best, there was a lack of transparency. At worst, I could say there was a deliberate attempt to deceive in order to continue to line the pockets of those in positions of influence. I had suppressed the “there is something I’m not being told” feeling often. When I heard what my mentor—one of the previous elite—had to say, I felt a sense of relief; I could trust my intuition after all.

    That was in my twenties. Between then and now I have done a lot of work to try and retrieve my sense of who I am, what the inner me actually thinks and feels about things. It isn’t easy; I can never ‘undo’ the experiences I have had, but I have come to look at them in a new light.

    I have learned that all anyone has to offer is an opinion. It doesn’t matter what the subject is, who the person or body is, or how highly you hold them in your esteem; it is simply an opinion. Just look at how many ‘experts’ in any given field disagree. The only truth is one that is felt by the heart, and it differs from person to person, from moment to moment; it is as unique as that cocktail that we each are.

    Stepping authentically into the world isn’t easy. The feelings attached to those earlier opinions, boundaries, and consequences are part of the fabric of who I am, but I step anyway.

    And with each step, together with my new vantage point and the support of others who cheer me on in this quest, my confidence gathers and new habits form. Best of all, I feel happier inside, like life is for the taking now, not in some imaginary future when I’ve satisfied everyone else’s needs.

    Each time someone asks for my advice, I always remind them to take only what resonates. But it is no surprise to me that people more often than not doubt themselves and look to others for answers. Someone once left a comment on my blog with contact details for a guru they viewed as having solved their problem for them, but that just told me they had given their power away.

    It’s great when I can look to others as support, or even a facilitator, but if I see them as the person who solved my problems for me, I become reliant on them again and again. I increase their power and decrease my own, in my head.

    And that is the real issue. This is about our thoughts, the things we believe to be true.

    The only reason someone else is able to appear as if they have solved my problem for me, is because I don’t understand and can’t see my own part in solving it. The very fact that I see whatever it is as a problem creates a resistance in me to seeing the solution. It’s like when I ‘lose’ my keys. I tell myself that I “can’t see” them and this literally blinds me to them.

    Other people’s problems don’t seem as insurmountable, though; we tend to hold less doubt about others’ abilities than our own. So someone else’s belief in us to solve it, particularly someone held in high esteem or purported as a guru, lowers our resistance to the solution that has been right there for the taking all along.

    There is only one time when I don’t fully trust my intuition, and that is when I am having fears and self-doubts. I am always aware of my entry into to this world, the well-meaning opinions that shaped my early beliefs. I know how much self-doubt I still hold despite years of focusing on things to build my self-esteem.

    While I have a great gift for understanding others and their dilemmas, when turning that on myself in moments of stress, I know my ability to read between the lines can develop into more of paranoia. That is when I find it useful to look to someone else to help facilitate me seeing what is truly going on.

    But there are other pointers—the things happening around me, the way my body is feeling, the dreams I am having—all these things can tell me what is really going on beneath the surface more objectively than my mind.

    While ideally I would have liked to have been born into a world that taught me to nurture and value my inner knowing, my intuition, right from the outset, simply becoming aware of it and practicing using it often also gets great results.

    For example, moving to New Zealand, even moving within New Zealand to a new city in recent years, these have been intuitive moves. While my head could explain the rationale, overriding all of it was this sense of “it felt right.”

    Trusting what feels right for us, and having the courage to follow up on it, this is what gives us the power to create our best life.

    I sometimes get blog comments from people who really push and prod me on this point, a point that I think is absolutely critical to understand—that any one of us has the power to change our life at any point.

    It doesn’t matter if you are lonely, penniless, homeless, overweight, underweight, sick, really sick, feel useless, are an abusee, an abuser, or even a psychopath, while there is breath in your body and conscious thoughts in your head, I believe we all have the power to change, with no exceptions.

    I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s possible.

    A quick Google search will fill your cup with example after example of people who have turned their lives around. Libraries and bookstores are filled with in-depth accounts of people who have changed their lives for the better. The inspiration is there, the tips and tricks and opinions are there, you just need one thing—to believe you can.

    And, as I have said, if you can’t quite believe it of yourself consistently enough to keep going, find someone who believes in you until you begin to prove them right.

    While other people can’t live your life for you, they can help boost your confidence when you want to make changes. If you need to increase your self-confidence, find those who support the kind of changes you’d like to make and let their belief in you be the thing that nudges you forward. Today, with online communities and forums, it is easier than ever to find what you need. Though you will be surprised at how other people show up in your life when you least expect it.

    Start by creating a conscious awareness of your self-defeating thought patterns and behaviors. Becoming aware of what is going on is crucial since 90% of our thought patterns are just a recurrence of yesterdays’ and, like anything we do repeatedly, we become less aware. The easiest way to turn this around is through meditation and taking some regular time to just contemplate.

    Take the time to hear your own thoughts, to truly feel into your own feelings, to begin to trust your own intuition. This is your true opinion of anything, and it’s the only one that counts. With it, you can start to contemplate positive changes in your life, looking for examples of when things have worked out for you in the past.

    And, finally, consider a life where others you know are equally aware of their own thoughts and feelings, their own insights and intuition. A world where people are focused on their own authentic happiness rather than in pursuit of trying to be ‘good enough’ to satisfy others’ standards. To me, this feels like a happier world—less judgmental, more free; free to evolve. We can help create this world by showing the people around us what it looks like to trust ourselves.

    Consider taking this step for yourself, and your loved ones, and you will not only change your life for the better, you will have changed our world for the better.

  • Why Your Positive Attitude Might Be Hurting You

    Why Your Positive Attitude Might Be Hurting You

    “Positivity is a dogmatic insistence on turning away from what is painful.” ~Susan Piver, Wisdom of a Broken Heart

    What if I told you there may be a flaw in positive thinking?

    How could being positive possibly be unhelpful?

    To some extent, positivity can be beneficial. In my life I’ve found optimism to be quite wonderful, crucial even.

    Being around people who are generally positive is just far more pleasant than being around people who are constantly negative. Life seems a little bit more manageable when you can practice gratitude. Smiles are had and spirits are lifted with simple platitudes like c’est la vie and it is what it is! Not only is it helpful, but optimism can actually provide a number of benefits.

    There was a study done by the University of Kentucky where nuns were rated on a positivity scale based on their diaries in the 1930’s. Sixty years later researchers found that some of these ladies, aged seventy-five to ninety, were still alive. The survivors were mostly the women who scored high on the positivity test, insinuating that happiness leads to a longer life.

    Happiness expert and psychologist Michael F. Scheier says that optimists do better in life than pessimists because they’re problem solvers and have better coping mechanisms. Dealing with trauma from earlier in my life has been made much easier by having these two things at my disposal.

    In her Broaden and Build Theory, psychologist Barbara Fredrickson has discovered a model of how positivity interacts with resilience. She states that people who are more positive have more physical, psychological, and social resources. They may be better able to exercise, more able to keep away from rumination, and they have the best of buds to cry to.

    When my grandmother died, I was devastated. How could I possibly draw positivity from death? Well, it turns out that I can and I did. My coping mechanism was to gain life lessons. In fact, her passing was the catalyst for me to get sober. I began to cope in a healthier way, without the crutch of substances. I had to adapt to see the sunlight, and optimism brought me there.

    I now have great positive coping mechanisms like meditation, playing hockey, and the ability to discuss emotional matters with others. I regularly practice gratitude; I even write a daily gratitude list and send it to a friend. I express my appreciation for things like my job (which isn’t always perfect), being able-bodied, and having financial security.

    Don’t get me wrong here, I love optimism; I just can’t help but look at where it fails us.

    I used to be the “fine” queen. When someone asked me how I was doing I was always “fine.” Whenever something happened, maybe someone did something to wrong me, like the guy I was dating being a real jerk, it was “fine.” I was the girl who kept the smile on her face.

    I was bubbly and eternally positive, no matter what the situation. While on the surface this may seem like a wonderful trait in a person, in practice it meant that my needs weren’t being met, I was letting people treat me poorly, and I wasn’t always listening to my mind, body, or spirit.

    To grow from this has been a long journey of realizing that it’s okay (even important) to slow down and take a look at what’s going on. It’s necessary to give my feelings space and let them come out to play. I learned this through heartache after heartache. Breakups, dreams crushed, and death—all of these things helped me to discover that I deserved my own presence.

    Heartbreak shook me to the core, leaving me feeling like I’d never be okay again. The feelings I had at that time demanded to be felt; there was no getting around it. In order to move past the suffering, I needed to feel it. I couldn’t tell myself I was fine or that everything was going to be okay. I just needed to sit with the hurt.

    Sure, there were good things that came from heartbreak like lessons learned and new opportunities, but there were also times when I just needed to feel, heal, and deal. I needed to look my heartache squarely in the face, cry, and let my facing it begin to repair the damage done.

    My dreams were crushed when I got into an Ivy League university and realized that I couldn’t attend for financial and personal reasons. I was totally devastated. Through this, though, I realized that it was okay to hold my sadness. I was allowed to hold joy for being admitted in the first place while I could also leave space for my tears.

    Man did I spill tears when my grandmother died. It felt like my heart had been put through a meat grinder, and the pieces were never going to fit back together again. I cried in the grocery store and at the mall, I couldn’t mask what I was feeling. I couldn’t plaster that fake smile on, and when someone asked me how I was doing, the answer was often “not so good.”

    Little did I know that these experiences were gifts, moving me closer to being with myself. They encouraged me (with much force sometimes) to be with my truth, to be with the heart of the matter without turning away.

    Allowing and visiting feelings may take the form of letting myself cry without redirecting my attention anywhere else. Just giving myself the space to cry without judgment. Letting myself cry until there are no more tears to spill, or even telling myself that it’s okay if I don’t stop crying when I’d like to.

    It’s also leaning in, asking myself, “What’s going on, darling?” and listening to the answer, however difficult. It’s being able to sit with that raw feeling of vulnerability in my chest.

    Instead of being with what’s in your heart, many people put up a wall. Susan Piver puts it beautifully in her book Wisdom of a Broken Heart, “Positive thought is a method of stepping away from what ails you rather than toward it.” You’re often stepping away with avoidance, because who wants to feel the tough stuff?

    Leaning into that takes work and courage. It’s a societal norm to avoid feeling pain. We hate it; we’ll avoid it at all costs. That’s just what we do: mask our struggles. At work, in life, even in relationships with loved ones.

    There’s a pressure to be okay and put a game face on. This pressure comes from the idea that you should always aim for positivity, in all cases. This is what Susan Piver coined the “Cult of Positivity,” continually turning away from what is uncomfortable and painful. I have two big bones to pick with “positivity:”

    1. I don’t believe the bad in the world has happened because you were too negative.

    2. I don’t believe that looking at the bright side of things is always the answer to solving life’s problems.

    There are those who believe that positive thinking undoubtedly makes their lives much better. In many ways this is true. However, not so much when it comes to what happens to you in the world. No matter how positive you think, the outcome of your cancer is going to be the same.

    Alternatively, you can have wonderfully positive thoughts and still end up homeless or jobless. I dislike the idea of a “positive mind, positive life.” It ends up victim-blaming because people may feel at fault for something they had no control over.

    I’ve experienced this as someone who deals with mental health issues. I’ve had people tell me to just suck it up and think more positively. Don’t you think if it was that easy there wouldn’t be mental illness? No one wants to be depressed. It’s just not that simple.

    Optimism doesn’t cure crippling bipolar or bring you out of a depressive funk. Telling someone that they can control the outcome of their illness is just placing blame when there’s no blame to be had.

    The idea that someone has control over all outcomes in their life baffles me. For example, the book The Secret is about the Law of Attraction. What you put out in the world is what comes back to you, according to author Rhonda Byrne. If you put out those positive vibes you’ll reap the rewards, like a good seat at the movie theater or a gorgeous partner.

    This insinuates that you deserve it when bad things happen to you just as you deserve it when good things happen. It’s similar to some sort of merit system. I don’t believe a tragic accident happens because someone didn’t practice enough positivity. On the same token, even something like hitting the lottery is pure luck rather than an expression of a manifestation.

    Next, always looking on the bright side to answer life’s problems is just a way to avoid feeling. It’s superficial. It’s okay, important even, to be sunny, but it becomes problematic when your feelings are lying untouched below the surface. There’s nothing to be gained by lying to the world and saying that everything is fine when it’s not.

    Sometimes I feel like I need to “practice gratitude” when I’m sharing my struggles with a friend. I’ll tell them all about what’s ailing me, then I’ll quickly bookend my concerns with something I’m grateful for.

    While gratitude is a magnificently powerful practice, I may be selling myself short here, missing out on digging just a little deeper into what’s going on. Instead of turning away from my suffering, I could turn toward it to take a peek and to let it be felt.

    So, what to do with all of this? Next time a close friend says “good” when you ask them how they’re doing, try asking them how they’re really doing. You’ll likely take them off-guard, but it’ll worth it to help them open up. Listen to their answer.

    In yourself, watch for those moments where you’re quick to shut a feeling down. Look out for “buts,” like when you say, “I had a crummy weekend but it’s totally fine.” Practice just letting the tough stuff hang there. Don’t try to make it better for a moment.

    Of course, eventually, you do want to move on, and positivity can come in here. Once you’ve looked squarely at your stuff, then is the time to find something to be grateful for. It’s the time to make a joke or spew a platitude. Then you’ve really honored yourself, allowed yourself to be seen. Because only when you’re seen can the real healing begin.

  • Why My Chronic Illness Can’t Stop Me from Making a Difference in the World

    Why My Chronic Illness Can’t Stop Me from Making a Difference in the World

    “We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.” ~Mary Dunbar

    What is one eye-opening experience should everyone have?

    I stumbled upon this question a few weeks ago and it got me into deep introspection.

    The first thing that came to my mind made me feel both happy and sad. The smile faded as soon as it crossed my face.

    Let me explain…

    My Eye-Opening Experience

    One eye-opening experience I had and believe everyone should have is spending time with poor kids.

    I love children.

    I’m one of those people who gets wowed when kids can count one to three or recite the alphabet by heart. I was a teacher, and the kids were my favorite students. I’ve met and played with a lot of kids, but my experience with poor kids was extra special.

    In 2012, my friend invited me to visit some kids in a community that I had never heard of. I wasn’t from an affluent family, but I had never seen real poverty up close.

    Tiny and crowded homes made with light materials, no electricity and/or running water for many families, and malnourished, sick, and dirty kids.

    We visited them at least once a week to teach family values, spirituality, and hygiene. We fed them, played with them, and most importantly, we loved them. These were fifty to a hundred kids ages two to sixteen.

    Our leader tasked me to interview ten kids in a span of ten months. The organization that sponsored our feeding program for two years required us to submit these reports monthly.

    I had the privilege to choose which kid to interview per month. I chose kids with different personalities. The shy ones. The playful ones. And the wallflowers.

    I will treasure those interviews forever. The one-on-one talks with these children were life-changing for me. They were the intimate encounters I looked forward to every month.

    I got the rare chance to know their stories in a deep way.

    It was heartbreaking to hear that some kids missed schools because they didn’t have food to eat. Some kids were made fun of because of how they looked. Others had to scavenge and collect recyclables in the streets to sell and help their families earn some money.

    Despite the cold meals and floors, lack of basic needs, and other daily struggles, they had a sparkle in their eyes and sweetness in their smiles. Their resilience was so unbelievable that I had no doubt that one day, they will change the world.

    Words are not enough to explain my thoughts and feelings through this experience. But this experience has given me a new set of lenses that allowed me to see the world in a different way.

    I learned to be more generous, self-giving, loving, and compassionate. The words “gratitude” and “appreciation” became deeper and more meaningful. I learned to view this life beyond me.

    This was my weekly routine for three years until…

    I Had A Relapse

    I stopped going and seeing these kids. Now, this is why the thought of this eye-opening experience gave me mixed emotions. You see, I’ve been fighting chronic illnesses for about ten years, but in 2016, my health took its turn for the worse.

    My dizzy spells became more intense and frequent. I couldn’t stand the outdoors because it was either too hot or too cold for me. I was like a battery that wouldn’t charge up.

    I’ve accepted that my doctors couldn’t give me straight answers (yet) on what has been going on with me. But it was frustrating when my world came to a halt. Again.

    While my recovery has been consistent (slow and steady), I still don’t know if I can go back and serve these kids again. I don’t know if my body could still handle it.

    In a way, I felt my chronic illness robbed my purpose and self-worth once again. I just wanted to serve. What’s wrong with that?

    But one day, I thought that service to humanity takes different forms, shapes, and sizes. Nothing is too big or too small. As long as you give with all your heart.

    I realized I could get around my chronic illness and still help make a difference one life at a time.

    Nothing fancy. Nothing grand. Just me and my warm and sometimes wimpy heart.

    Modern Calligraphy

    Initially, I did this for myself. It was out of boredom, stress, and frustration.

    When I was mostly homebound, I looked for a new hobby that would help me get out of my head and feel the excitement of trying something new again.

    Affirmations, verses, quotes, and words of encouragement that spoke to me took me on a whole new level when I see them beautifully written in bouncy and flowy letters. Every stroke helped me focus, meditate, and relax. Even when the strokes were shaky, I was amused by the work of my hands.

    When I became a little more confident, I decided to share my creations with the world. I set up a public IG account with the goal to edify women with chronic illness through modern calligraphy.

    I also make notes for family and friends extra special with the beautiful and free strokes of modern calligraphy.

    World Vision

    I may not be able to serve and spend time with dozens of kids all at the same time, and that’s okay. Changing one kid’s life would be more than enough.

    Last year, I decided to sponsor one child through World Vision. It was another opportunity for me to have a personal connection with a child from a poor community.

    It’s a humbling experience to help the child to pay for school supplies, uniform, and other expenses. Through this program, her community benefits, too.

    My eyes and heart well up when I get their regular updates with photos, community reports, child’s progress, and more.

    Writing

    I’m introverted. I’ve kept a lot of my deepest thoughts to myself. Last year, I decided to be a little bolder and vulnerable by sharing my journey through writing.

    I’ve realized that every story matters. Every story is special. Every story heals.

    Most importantly, we can learn from each other.

    What’s Next

    You don’t need to do something huge to make a positive difference in the world. Regardless of your time, resources, and individual limitations, you can make an impact.

    I encourage you to create a small service project before the year ends. Before that voice of doubt whispers that it’s impossible or it won’t make a dent in the world, let’s sit down and plan for this project.

    Below, you will see a list of questions that serve as your starting point.

    Skills/Talents/Passion: What can I offer?

    1. What did I love to do as a child?
    2. What types of things do family or friends usually seek my help for?
    3. What are my interests?
    4. When do I feel most joyful?
    5. What do I do most naturally?
    6. What is the idea or vision that keeps me up at night?
    7. What am I doing when I feel the most authentic?

    Time: When will I do it?

    1. How much time can I set aside for this project?
    2. How often do I want to do this?
    3. How long can I do it?
    4. When can I start?

    Recipient: Who will I serve?

    1. Where do I feel the happiest?
    2. Who do I care about?
    3. Who are the people going through what I’ve been through? Or going through similar challenges?
    4. Who needs my skills and talents?

    You may not know the answers to all of these questions right now, and that’s okay. Take all the time you need and go through them again whenever you can.

    And remember…

    Small things add up. Small things make bigger things. Small things create ripples.

    Start where you are with what you have.