I need advice

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This topic has 5 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 10 months ago by Grace.

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July 13, 2019 at 10:27 am #303175
Christine
Participant
Hi everyone,

This has been one hell of a week for me. I feel like my life has been turned upside down. I recently graduated college which turned into me moving back home. I am renting a room from my cousin. Lots of changes of course. New job no more classes and my friends are no longer around since distance takes a toll along with scedules. My life has changed for sure. Transitions….

Two years ago when I started at the university, I met a boy named Derrick. We met on a camping trip with the school. I didn’t think I’d see him again until we kept bumping into each other especially under my favorite tree where I meditated. We ended up getting intimate. I didn’t know how I felt during this time but I eventually feel for him.. hard.

We have been through so much since the first time meeting. We have grown tremendously as individuals but also together. We never were actually in a relationship but we’re faithful to each other. He has commitment issues and feels like he has to do work on himself. He has mentioned in the past how he has feelings for one of his best friends. I thought maybe this was why, but many other factors contribute I guess. We have been so close and he feels like family to me. I’ve talked to him about how I’ve felt many times. He loves me also but he always speaks of how he isn’t ready to commit himself. He doesn’t say it as plain like this but to my understanding, he just feels like he has a lot of work to do on himself.

Since moving back to my home area I don’t see him as often and it’s challenging. I miss him.

I hung out with another guy I met and it was a great time. We went to karaoke. We rode bikes there. On the way back from the karaoke place I hit a pothole and fell hard. I got scrapped up and had to call out of work the next day. The guy “Mitch” Was so sweet. He helped me and made sure I was safe. We ended up getting intimate. I now feel so guilty because I love Derrick and I feel so bad like I “cheated” on him. I texted him and told him we needed to talk while he is on a yoga retreat. I know this was very selfish of me. I feel so bad that I have probably worried him. He hasn’t texted me back. I truly love him and I don’t know what to do. I need to be honest with him I believe but what if I lose him forever? My anxiety is crippling.

I needed some advice. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. Thank you for reading.

I’m a very kind soul. I just get myself in sticky situations sometimes and I feel like I really messed up here.
- This topic was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Christine.
July 13, 2019 at 11:02 am #303179

Mark
Participant

Christine

You and Derrick have not made any exclusive commitment with each other. Understand that. You guys are very good friends and that is all. You’re moving on with your life to be with someone who can commit. You can still love Derek but only as a very close friend. You don’t have to reveal all to him about Mitch. You can be honest about moving on to be in a more boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. There is no reason to tell him that you slept with him. I believe that if a relationship does not work out then that is meant to be. If there he decides to part company then he’s not meant to be a friend.

What do you think about what I said?

Mark

July 13, 2019 at 1:50 pm #303209

Valora
Participant

I think what Mark said about exclusive commitment needs to be reiterated here. Derrick is not your boyfriend. You are not in a relationship. Therefore, you cannot cheat on him, because cheating involves being in an exclusive, committed relationship, which you are not in… so if you do end up telling him just to ease your own conscience, understand that he has no grounds to get mad at you for that. If he wanted you to not sleep with or see other people, he should have officially committed to you, and if that’s what he wants, he needs to do that and then you will have no reason to see other guys romantically. He has not yet told you that that is what he wants. You did absolutely nothing wrong.

July 14, 2019 at 12:11 am #303239

Peggy
Participant

Hi Christine,

You are adapting to lots of sudden changes including having to be away from some of your college friends. Derrick is one of those college friends. He’s made it clear to you that he is not ready for commitment. He’s not going to change his mind overnight. It’s understandable that you miss him as you’ve felt so close to him but your relationship is one of friendship. You have not been unfaithful.

If you want to keep Derrick as a friend and you fear losing him if you ‘confess all’, then don’t tell him. In the heat of the moment, you’ve sent him a text and he hasn’t replied. The ball is in his court – maybe leaving college will have brought this relationship to it’s natural conclusion and maybe you need to move on from this.

Your real problem here is your own conscience. You are riddled with self-imposed guilt and the only way you are going to rid yourself of this guilt is to confess. You’ve now confessed your “guilt” to us and I am now giving you permission to forgive yourself.

You probably need to deal with your anxiety levels generally unless you are just off-balance because of all the changes. There is little point in worrying about what might happen in the future. If you tell him you will lose him and then you will have to move on. You’ve sent him a text and now you are worried, feel bad that he might be worried. There is little point in worrying full stop. Do whatever it takes to stop yourself from worrying. Whenever you find yourself doing it, just say “STOP” and switch your focus to something else.

Practise Mindfulness as well as Meditation. Live in the “NOW”.

I hope this helps.

Peggy

July 14, 2019 at 6:00 am #303247

Inky
Participant

Hi Christine,

I’m going to give it to you straight.

Are you sitting down?

Derrick already knows you will have moved on and find someone.

Derrick himself will have moved on and found someone.

Derrick knows the “We Need to Talk” text is about you confessing to him that you either want a commitment, have met someone, or want to move on.

He’s not replying to your texts because he doesn’t want to get involved with muddied feelings from people from the past.

You are officially in a new phase of life: Young Adult Single out of School! Embrace it! Don’t look back!

But please, in the future, stop being intimate with people way too soon!

Best,

Inky

July 14, 2019 at 8:36 am #303267

Grace
Participant

Christine,

I want you to keep in mind that you and Derrick are not in a relationship. You may love him, and that’s okay, but don’t talk yourself into being faithful to someone you don’t owe loyalty to in that way. The feeling does not seem mutual. If he isn’t ready to be in a committed relationship, you have no business thinking of him after you get intimate with other people. It sounds to me like you are searching for love in the wrong place. You just graduated college, go out and don’t let Derrick hold you back. You might feel like you love him, but you owe him nothing. Keep strong and remember to always do what makes you happy regardless of what you think Derrick is going to think. Be loyal to yourself and your heart first, and for what its worth, forget about Derrick because he is holding you back.

Best Regards,

Grace
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