Yes i will just stick to the last thing i said, that i feel a bit off and im working on it and i still want to be with her.
That’s what im trying to do lately, remove her from the pedestal. But damn it hurts if i lose her..

Yeah its all good dont worry 🙂

The truth is, ive told her that right now my feelings are very dimmed down, didnt tell her about the possible deactivation.
She said “after some things you said up close, i got the idea that u dont really wanna do things in your life, and i definitely want to do things, so i would like to see if this can work on that matter”. I already told her that this version of me is not the normal one, i usually am a very fun person to be around, with plenty of interests and she said “ofc, i take that into consideration, but i would like to discuss those concerns with you”. I think she is just living in the future once more, worrying about things that might not even happen, because she does that.
But the truth is, i really don’t have any specific plans for the future, i am just a person that likes to live every day as it happens, i enjoy trips-motorcycle-photographs-exploring new places-stargazing and i would like to build something with a girl in the future (be it house, business, family). But i dont really know if thats good or not and that triggers my fears that she is gonna leave me over that conversation.
She also wants to discuss about our vibe being “off” lately, but i can’t really tell her that my feelings are off, can i?

I think right now my “love” capabilities are off, maybe muted by the depression/numbness?

Hey Alessa
I guess it could have been because of tourette’s yeah. She did calm down once left alone but still.

Anita
How does empathy for yourself feel like? I wonder..

I feel innocence and being carefree from future struggles, freedom in a way.
I would tell him to slow down and put himself first probably.

I know but i think i’ve forgiven her and i dont hold resentment on that matter. I never hold grudges anyway, but maybe that affected me, cant be sure.

She didnt have any specific complains about me, maybe a bit regarding the house cleaning (cause i liked to help), but she would call me words while she was angry with other things, such as “retard, moron” and other stuff, which i almost never failed to say back to her lol. It was mostly intense arguing-fighting.Sometimes she would yell at me because of school or things that i accidentally broke in the house, maybe call me lazy too. I think there were other things too, but i can’t really recall right now. To be fair, she would call me nice words, expressing her love to me, hug me, kiss me aswell, it wasnt always fighting and negatives, a mix of everything really.

Hmm, what comes to mind is the responsibility to not disappoint, combined with the feeling of not being good enough and not wanting to “owe” anyone. Also that they wont have anything to “use against me” in the future.

A little bit weakness (like im not able to do it myself, so its devaluing me), a little bit mistrust (that they wont get it right) and a little bit like a burden (like im gonna owe them, or now they have “control” over me in a way, which i know is not true because i can refuse things, but yeah).