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April 10, 2023 at 8:59 am in reply to: I really really desperately need help, i cant take this anymore #417151RobertaParticipant
Dear Eric
The more you understand your body and its needs and how it influences your judgement and how your brain, mind etc work and influence your body you will be able to see that when you make decisions that are in line with your best self the better you will feel about them. Learning to let go of the outcome ( & possible outcomes of decisions) or control of the outcome eases ones mind. In general I do not find secrets helpful as it often generates fear. living ones life clearly & honestly, being open to myself & others brings more joy and yes life will always bring loss of some kind but that is reality of impermanence that we (all things ) are subject to.
April 10, 2023 at 5:37 am in reply to: Urgent: I have a Crush on my female Boss. Is she into me? #417146RobertaParticipantDear Swanky
she neither wants to be my friend nor girlfriend and it hurts, but already she told me why though, she claims she wants to keep a small circle and she knows the type of friendship I want. There you see she has already given you the answer. You just dont like it and no one should be forced to have to explain themselves time & time again nor should they coerced into a relationship especially if it is illegal or inappropriate. I am not denying either your feelings for her or the hurt you are presently feeling, but in a way they are a separate issue to your boss as a person. I suggest you read the Dalai Lama’s book the Art of Happiness.
April 10, 2023 at 5:08 am in reply to: I really really desperately need help, i cant take this anymore #417145RobertaParticipantDear Eric
As I see it, it is not your decisions that are the problem. Until you have dealt with the anxiety and overthinking that appears to run your life, the peace, contentment & happiness that you are constantly chasing after will always elude you.
Staying grounded in the moment instead of second guessing past decisions and worrying about hundreds of different possibilities of the future especially the negative ones. The practice of mindfulness ,tai chi, yoga etc are designed to bring you back to the present and allow your mind to rest from the torment of being dragged into the past and future. The zen story on you tube good bad who knows?, may also help.
April 9, 2023 at 9:50 am in reply to: Urgent: I have a Crush on my female Boss. Is she into me? #417125RobertaParticipantDear Swanky
I guess part of a managers job is to try to have a harmonious and friendly workplace. This is easier if they are open and approachable, which I guess she was towards you and you may have misread or over emphasized the personalization of her demeanor with you. I guess that once she realised that the work relationship had slipped into something more personal from your side that she had to make interactions with you more formal & professional than before.
April 6, 2023 at 5:48 am in reply to: Married, children and trapped in a basement of hopeless #417091RobertaParticipantDear Wren
My heart goes out to you, words fail me. I wish I could just give you a big hug. You have been so brave & courageous. Your instincts as a mother are strong. I pray that a guardian angel will help you.
RobertaParticipantDear Lisa
I am sorry that you had such a bad start to your life. Until we become adults we are at the whims and fancies of the adults who make up our immediate surroundings and this impacts on our adulthood unless we take conscious steps to rectify the mistakes that our carers made (Romanian Orphanage Scandal).As adults we can explore what buddhists call the 8 worldly concerns and their antidotes that help relieve our suffering. As we relieve our suffering using wisdom, compassion & skillful means it naturally expands out into the world in general.
April 5, 2023 at 12:50 pm in reply to: How to fix life when I have messed up multiple aspects of it? #417079RobertaParticipantDear A
I hope the physio is working for you. I subscribe to Daily Good, everyday they send an interesting article to read and also a suggestion for something to try out. Also both action for happiness and greater good science do monthly calendars with a different suggestion for each day ( this would give you some structure in your life). Grateful living does a daily quote which gives my mind something to ponder on throughout the day and I also like to neatly copy out any quote that I have found really helpful.
RobertaParticipantDear Tricia
It is so hard when you get mixed messages. Our mind likes to hang on to any little sign of hope and also does not like not having answers/closure. Mindfulness and meditation help you see these mind tendencies as they arrive and help you step back from them so that they eventually lessen in intensity and frequency.
Some may say when you meet your ex imagine him as fat & old!
Are you close to anyone at work who will be at is event as well? if so maybe you could ask them to hold your hand metaphorically. The best way thru is to appear cool calm & confident, look your best without it look like you are trying too hard, so clothing that is comfortable & that you feel makes you look good ie dont were ultra high heals when you are used to wearing flats. If alcohol is on offer, remember that it hinders our judgement and interferes with the control of our emotions.
Your Ex has not acted honorably and you do not have to be his friend especially since you are living in different locations. polite cordial indifference is the best that he deserves from you.
I wish you all the best
Roberta
RobertaParticipantDear Jill
There is a Buddhist set of phrases that go
May all beings be happy and never be separated from that happiness
May all beings be free from suffering and the source of suffering
May all beings abide in equanimity without being close to some out of attachment or distant from others out of hatred.
I wish this for you and your family.
RobertaParticipantDear Madina
How are you?
I have just read thru this thread & I apologise in advance if I don’t talk about your post sequentially.
Instead of thinking of fixing yourself think that you are nourishing, nurturing & befriending yourself.
Part of meditating is seeing your thoughts for what they really are – thoughts – this is not dismissing them or the power that they can hold over us. I have also noticed that when in deep meditation I am ageless and without gender or sexual orientation.
I remember a conversation I had with a woman I worked with she said she had always been in hetrosexual relationships but when she met her spouse ( a female) it was the person not the gender that she fell in love with.
I hope that you can access therapy that helps you address the issues that surround your childhood and maybe the other stuff around your orientation will fall easier into place.
Roberta
RobertaParticipantHi TheltFactor
I think you decision to call it a day was a wise one your ethical/moral boundries were being compromised by his need to feel free to date others which may have been ok in the early stage but as time went by exclusivity would normally be the next step if both people are single. He may start to date other people and then come to a more settled decision about whether open relationships is what he really wants.
RobertaParticipantDear Jill
I have been in a similar position to you basically being a single parent on & off and having to work 2 & 3 jobs often low paid because I did not want to work for a betting company (ethical decision) but it meant that I had to work longer hours and consequently my children saw less of me. When my youngest about 19 we became estranged after 18 months I wrote to him basically saying that I have apologized enough for my past decisions and trying to second guess what to do and now it is up to him to tell me what kind of mother he wants me to be. Some time later he did let me back into his life.
We now have an adult relationship where it is ok to say no to suggestions and it is also ok to ask for help.
We both I think have both grown up a lot in this last decade and even when either of us have been disappointed something that the other has done we do not store it up with resentment and add it to the past hurts this means our hearts always stay open to each other.
So I hope that your on going therapy helps with your present situation and that in the future you will become reconciled with your family
RobertaParticipantDear Lost1Flow
I dont know if you have access to an outside space where you live – we have a small courtyard and over the last few months I have put a small bench which has flower containers as part of it. I enjoy swapping out seasonal plants and have bird feeders I find it a mini paradise where I can relax & recharge my batteries, plus I can see the courtyard from kitchen& dining room so even in inclement weather it still lifts my spirits. Even indoors a small corner nicely set out can help give a few moments of respite respite I have a small zen garden that I enjoy playing with.
Best wishes
March 22, 2023 at 1:34 pm in reply to: How to fix life when I have messed up multiple aspects of it? #416611RobertaParticipantDear A
How about flipping your perspective. Your life at the moment is a blank canvas, how do you want to live your life? who or what is important to you? Many people find volunteering brings about a sense of worthiness & companionship. At the moment you have one luxury that many people do not have and that is time…..you can choose to bring peace & beauty into your life & others. When visiting my son in London I would pick up the trash on my way around the park or popping to the shop. Befriending an elderly person can be rewarding for both parties and these options does not cost you anything.
RobertaParticipantDear Arie 1276
I am sorry to hear that you are so worried about your / husband debts. Some countries tax laws can be confusing even for longterm residents and it is even harder if you are self employed. When my 2nd husband had his own business we took a straight 20% off the gross takings and put into a deposit account so at the end of the year we had the money put aside for our tax bill and sometimes there was a bit left over which we used to pay something off other big debts like the business loan.
Things like this can put a real strain on our own mental & physical health along adding pressure to the relationship with your husband. The sooner the pair of you can come up with a gameplan the better & more in control you will feel. Also some countries allow for husbands and wives to be taxed separately.
I hope that you get on a finances sorted soon.
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