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Can’t just live with myself

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  • #431519
    IMBACK
    Participant

    So im not sure if this is the right forum for this but I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 9 month (about a week ago). We already back then talked about that we could be friends when we are ready, but now I feel like im forcing it or forcing myself into a friendship. We agreed upon the fact that we both had to be ready for a friendship and have I told her that I won’t promise her a friendship, but I know it will break her heart if we won’t be friends. I don’t know if it could that its because im still not over her. I also have a problem with not being able to focus on myself, so its like I always focus on her and how our future will look instead of just focusing on myself and seeing how it will work out. When I use common sense I can feel that it’s fine if we can’t be friends after. I mean, we could still say hi to each other and that, but im not sure if I would be able to have a full on friendship with her. Since the break up she have been the only thing on my mind and its hard to let go off her, because it feels like im loosing her. I know I basically need to let her go before I can move on from her, but im afraid that if I let go off her that she will think that we can’t be friends. I wouldn’t see a problem with being friends with her in the future, I mean we talk really well together and laugh together, but it just feels like im forcing it. Maybe I should just let her go and then when I have taken my time see how I feel about her, and If a friendship could be a thing, and If not then it must be it. I don’t hate her or anything so we could still be friends, but maybe not best friends. Im just confused and not used to focusing on myself and what I do in the moment so I keep coming up with new problems, and I just can’t see how this can be a problem. I know for a fact that if she at some points don’t want to be friends then she would just let it go, but I still worry that I will hurt her feelings if it comes to that. Deep inside I know this will be one of those things that I overthink way too much and in the end it won’t even be a problem properly. We have just talked so much about being best friends and that, but I think back then I talked from my boyfriend mind and not my common sense.

    #431525
    IMBACK
    Participant

    It just feels like I can’t just live my life and take things as they come. It’s like I have to plan everything or worry about something all the time. And it’s like it always has to do with my ex (also when she was my gf). I always worried that she would cheat or something like that, without her giving me reason to doubt. Do I maybe just need to get a life maybe?

    #431526
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear IMBACK

    The most important person to be bestfriend to is yourself. Eating healthily, being out in nature, doing things that bring you joy or pique your curiosity. Reconnecting with your friends learning to get in touch and rest within your inner wisdom.

    It is possible to be friends with an ex, but only once the chemical  emotional romantic connection has ceased to arise frequently & intensely.

     

    #431531
    anita
    Participant

    I may have to re-submit this post if it includes messy print (since I quoted from an online source)

    Dear IMBACK:

    Maybe I should just let her go… I overthink way too much“- for someone who overthinks way too much,  it is difficult to let go of anything or anyone.

    You mentioned overthinking back in Feb- March this year: “I have searched throughout the internet for answers but this just makes me overthink everything…  I overthink everything… Yes, (I) have obsessive thinking and it fits well with the description of having the same occurring thoughts”.

    Today, in your second post, you wrote: “It’s like I have to plan everything or worry about something all the time…. I always worried… Do I maybe just need to get a life maybe?“- you need to solve the overthinking problem first.

    very well mind/ how to know when you’re overthinking: “Overthinking involves thinking about a certain topic or situation excessively, analyzing it for long periods of time. When you overthink, you have a hard time getting your mind to focus on anything else. It becomes consumed by the one thing you are thinking about…

    “Signs of overthinking include: * An inability to think about anything else * Being unable to relax *Constantly feeling worried or anxious * Fixating on things outside of your control * Feeling mentally exhausted * Having a lot of negative thoughts *  Replaying a situation or experience in your mind * Second-guessing your decisions * Thinking of all the worst-case scenarios”.

    The last words in your original post today are “my common sense.“- is overthinking helpful when it comes to making sense of things, identifying problems and coming up with practical solutions? Let’s see:

    very well mind: “While some people believe that overthinking may be helpful since it involves looking at an issue or problem from nearly every viewpoint possible and anticipating future events, the opposite is true…
    <p id=”mntl-sc-block_1-0-13″ class=”comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html”>”Finding ways to put an end to overthinking can help you take action in your life versus simply thinking about things that are bothering you. Instead of going over something in your mind again and again, you can start to take the steps necessary to resolve the situation.</p>
    <p class=”comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html”>”Overthinking is different from problem-solving. Overthinking is about dwelling on the problem, while problem-solving involves looking for a solution. Imagine a storm is coming. Here’s an example that shows the difference between overthinking and problem-solving:</p>
    * Overthinking: ‘I wish the storm wouldn’t come. It’s going to be awful. I hope the house doesn’t get damaged. Why do these things always have to happen to me? I can’t handle this.’

    * Problem-solving: ‘I will go outside and pick up everything that might blow away. I’ll put sandbags against the garage door to prevent flooding. If we get a lot of rain I’ll go to the store to buy plywood so I can board up the windows.’

    “Problem-solving can lead to productive action. Overthinking, on the other hand, fuels uncomfortable emotions and doesn’t look for solutions.”

    I’d say, IMBACK, that your first priority should be addressing the overthinking problem and replace it with problem-solving, sensible, beneficial thinking. What do you.. think?

    anita

    #431532
    anita
    Participant

    Re-submitted:

    Dear IMBACK:

    “Maybe I should just let her go… I overthink way too much“- for someone who overthinks way too much,  it is difficult to let go of anything or anyone.

    You mentioned overthinking back in Feb- March this year: “I have searched throughout the internet for answers but this just makes me overthink everything…  I overthink everything… Yes, (I) have obsessive thinking and it fits well with the description of having the same occurring thoughts”.

    Today, in your second post, you wrote: “It’s like I have to plan everything or worry about something all the time…. I always worried… Do I maybe just need to get a life maybe?“- you need to solve the overthinking problem first.

    very well mind/ how to know when you’re overthinking: “Overthinking involves thinking about a certain topic or situation excessively, analyzing it for long periods of time. When you overthink, you have a hard time getting your mind to focus on anything else. It becomes consumed by the one thing you are thinking about…

    “Signs of overthinking include: * An inability to think about anything else * Being unable to relax *Constantly feeling worried or anxious * Fixating on things outside of your control * Feeling mentally exhausted * Having a lot of negative thoughts *  Replaying a situation or experience in your mind * Second-guessing your decisions * Thinking of all the worst-case scenarios”.

    The last words in your original post today are “my common sense.“- is overthinking helpful when it comes to making sense of things, identifying problems and coming up with practical solutions? Let’s see:

    very well mind: “While some people believe that overthinking may be helpful since it involves looking at an issue or problem from nearly every viewpoint possible and anticipating future events, the opposite is true…

    ”Finding ways to put an end to overthinking can help you take action in your life versus simply thinking about things that are bothering you. Instead of going over something in your mind again and again, you can start to take the steps necessary to resolve the situation.

    ”Overthinking is different from problem-solving. Overthinking is about dwelling on the problem, while problem-solving involves looking for a solution. Imagine a storm is coming. Here’s an example that shows the difference between overthinking and problem-solving:

    * Overthinking: ‘I wish the storm wouldn’t come. It’s going to be awful. I hope the house doesn’t get damaged. Why do these things always have to happen to me? I can’t handle this.’

    * Problem-solving: ‘I will go outside and pick up everything that might blow away. I’ll put sandbags against the garage door to prevent flooding. If we get a lot of rain I’ll go to the store to buy plywood so I can board up the windows.’

    “Problem-solving can lead to productive action. Overthinking, on the other hand, fuels uncomfortable emotions and doesn’t look for solutions.”

    I’d say, IMBACK, that your first priority should be addressing the overthinking problem and replace it with problem-solving, sensible, beneficial thinking. What do you.. think?

    anita

    #431552
    IMBACK
    Participant

    Hey Anita, I think you are right. My parents say that in this case since it’s something that should be out of my control then just take it as it comes. Friends come and go and you can’t plan to be friends with somebody. It happens naturally, so maybe I should lean on the idea that if we become friends that’s great, and if we don’t that’s also great! We get friends for a reason, and some people you try to be friends with but it doesn’t work out. That’s properly why you shouldn’t be friends then. It just seems like it is as soon as I give people expectations about something and Im actually not sure that I can live up to it. In this case I told my then girlfriend that if we broke up then we could be friends and we also talked about it after we broke up. So now she expects me to become her friend in the future. So now I just feel like there is pressure on me to be her friend instead of actually wanting to be her friend. I have told her that I won’t promise her anything, but I know that she expects us to be friends in the future.

    #431554
    anita
    Participant

    Dear IMBACK: I will read and reply to you by Thurs morning (it is Wed afternoon here).

    anita

    #431563
    anita
    Participant

    Dear IMBACK:

    maybe I should lean on the idea that if we become friends that’s great, and if we don’t that’s also great!“- if you can adopt this okay-either way, mild attitude, that’d be great. But if you continue to overthink, consider seeing a counselor or therapist who specializes in overthinking/ obsessive thinking.

    anita

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