Dear Beni

 Maybe there’s someone who’s afraid to skate in the park and I notice it. I go to the person and I talk with her about it and let her know he/she’s welcome.

Well done you for a) being perceptive about another human being that you do not know & b)  the willingness to approach & offer help.  Imagine if all humans acted in that way what a kind & peaceful world we would live in.

Roberta

Hi Beni,

I think I was strong for my mom. My mom tells me that I was really intense.

In what sense were you intense?

I think you had a simillar struggle if I remember right.

Well, I always tried to console my mother, i.e. explain why she shouldn’t be so negative, why things are not so bad as she sees them (and I never succeeded). But that was already when I was an adolescent and in my early 20s. As a child, I wanted approval, I was a good kid, a good pupil. But I never got approval, e.g. I was never praised for my good grades. Instead, I was scolded if I got a B instead of an A. So I was supposed to be perfect.

I also don’t remember super much. It’s hard to differentiate between analyzis and expirience.

Do you remember at least something from your childhood? Do you remember more from your teenage years?

I notice that I’m cold to my mom when I feel vulnerable like I do not send emojis then. I don’t trust that she can handle it then. Like she would get high on it.

I think I was strong for my mom.

Okay, so when you feel vulnerable, you don’t have the compulsion to please her, to “console” her, to make her less sad, right? Because I am guessing (based on what you said about her earlier) that she tends to complain a lot and would like to receive sympathy from you. And she would “get high” on it, i.e. it would only confirm her martyr stance, right? But you don’t want to take part in that game of her playing the martyr, and so you are cold with her. You are not giving her sympathy, right?

When you say that as a child you were strong for her, maybe it means that you didn’t want to express your own sadness or upset, not to bother her with it? Because she was burdened with her own stuff anyway. Maybe that’s when you rather smashed the window, or hit your own head, or got in tension with your younger brother?

So she wasn’t able to meet your emotional needs, and then you suppressed those needs in front of her, but then acted out in different ways, like smashing the window, having tension with your brother and suchlike. Is that what happened?

You know what Gabor sais, it’s what’s not there. Empathy and the ability to express how you feel, really listen with the heart. I do not remember my parents doing that.

Yeah, “what is not there”. It’s emotional neglect. What you’ve experienced from your parents is probably emotional neglect. Your mother didn’t have the capacity to soothe you, to regulate your emotions, because she couldn’t do that for herself either. And you say your father was rarely home, and I guess not really emotionally available (even when he was home)?

BTW how did your parents react to you smashing the window, getting in tension with your brother etc?

Telling me how they feel or having these moments of connection much. Even nowadays it’s difficult and often I create it. I meet people who tell their parents are like their best friend and that’s how I imagine is how it can feel when you can express yourself both ways.

Well, when we are children, we are “takers” – we need our parents to emotionally soothe us and be there for us (not the other way round). And that’s how the emotional bond is established. So we are takers, we receive, and they give. They give us love, support, care, understanding.

At least that’s how it should be, with healthy parents. But often our parents are not emotionally healthy and mature, and they’re not able to meet our emotional needs. Your parents were like that too (and mine too).

For people who had healthy parents, they have established that emotional bond of trust and unconditional love, which is always there. And so as grown-ups, they can share everything with their parents: their worries, dilemmas, whatever is on their heart…  and their parents will be there to listen and help if they can. With no judgment, no blaming, no manipulation.

And indeed, those parents are their children’s best friends. But that’s rare, or at least it’s not too frequent. According to some studies, around 50% of children in the USA are securely attached, i.e. have that secure emotional bond with their parents. And maybe that’s even too high of an estimate, I don’t know.  So probably at least 50% of people you see around don’t have that bond…

Mhh, yeah I do that and it seems to be wholesome. I still think the mentioned situation is in a way superfiscial but honest and authentic. It often feels not deep enough.
I feel that I long for a partner.

It’s a different level. Being kind to a stranger in the park is not the same as opening up to someone in all your vulnerability. In that sense it is “superficial”. But it is serving a purpose of you being true to yourself and doing acts of kindness – something that your heart is telling you to do. As you say, it’s honest and authentic. So it counts. But it’s a different level, of course.

I think love couldn’t be received emotionally by my parents as much as I needed it or was toxic when given.

Yes, it seems they couldn’t provide that emotional support for you. Perhaps they weren’t abusive (e.g. criticizing you harshly, or shaming you and humiliating you), but they simply didn’t pay attention to your emotional needs. So yeah, it would be emotional neglect.

Yeah, that’s what I want most in live. So, simple. Thanks for the support Tee ,<3

You are very welcome, Beni! <3