<p dir=”ltr”>Hi Tee,</p>

<p dir=”ltr”>I wonder if you, as a child, felt guilty for playing and simply having fun and being care-free, because your mother was always unhappy and sad, in the martyr mode? And so you felt guilty if you were happy and enjoying yourself?
And perhaps you rather did what was expected of you? Actually, now I’ve taken a look at you earlier posts: you said that you didn’t do what was expected of you, but would rather freeze or engage in a self-destructive behavior:</p>

<p dir=”ltr”>
I think I was strong for my mom. My mom tells me that I was really intense. I think you had a simillar struggle if I remember right.
I also don’t remember super much. It’s hard to differentiate between analyzis and expirience.
I have some memories of self destructive behavior. Where I destroy things I like or a window or hit myself on the head to find some exit for how I feel. Or me and my younger brother having tension.
Mhh, I notice that I’m cold to my mom when I feel vulnerable like I do not send emojis then. I don’t trust that she can handle it then. Like she would get high on it. There are pictures of me expiriencing myself. You know what Gabor sais, it’s what’s not there. Empathy and the ability to express how you feel, really listen with the heart. I do not remember my parents doing that. Telling me how they feel or having these moments of connection much. Even nowadays it’s difficult and often I create it. I meet people who tell their parents are like their best friend and that’s how I imagine is how it can feel when you can express yourself both ways.</p>

<p dir=”ltr”>That’s nice. You did say in the beginning of your thread that you would like to have a deeper connection with people (“Right know I belief that what I actually want is deep connection with people.”). So it seems you are doing that now, offering your selfless, pure love (in form of kindness and help to a stranger), and that’s how you are expressing what you couldn’t as a child, i.e. what was not appreciated by your mother (or both parents?)</p>

<p dir=”ltr”>
Mhh, yeah I do that and it seems to be wholesome. I still think the mentioned situation is in a way superfiscial but honest and authentic. It often feels not deep enough.</p>
<p dir=”ltr”>I feel that I long for a partner.</p>
<p dir=”ltr”>I think love couldn’t be received emotionally by my parents as much as I needed it or was toxic when given.</p>

<p dir=”ltr”>Yeah, it seems expressing your true self, your compassionate and loving self, is your priority at the moment. Also, expressing yourself perhaps in play (e.g. skate-boarding), or doing other activities that bring you joy, instead of getting stuck in the usual freeze response, which actually blocks your joyful self-expression.</p>

<p dir=”ltr”>
Yeah, that’s what I want most in live. So, simple. Thanks for the support Tee ,<3</p>

Hi Tee,

Oh… so you’re usually sick once a month with similar symptoms? But now it’s been lasting for 3 weeks, with symptoms ranging from exhaustion, feeling cold, feeling stiff, headaches etc. Sorry about that :/

Could be that your immune system is out of whack. Have you seen a doctor, or you already know this state, so it’s not something to seek help for?

Propably and Immunesystem whack, I’m finally getting better!

Actually I’ve been examining myself, and it could be psycho-somatic (I always seek possible mental causes of physical symptoms). So I kind of know what might be causing it.

So yeah, you’re right, it’s probably not physical worsening (hopefully!), but more like a signal of something that I am not doing right in my life, a signal of a limitation of mine. And now it’s time to start addressing it.

Haha, I do the same with the physical symptoms. Sounds like you’re confident and hands on about this!

Since then I’ve realized that I am worthy just because I exist, simply by having been born, and I don’t need to do anything to prove my worth.

Juhuu, feels good to read that. Reminds me at Gabor Maté I heard him say last week. Asking yourself if you’re good enough is the wrong question. Do you ask yourself if a tree is good enough or a Mounatin 🙂

However, I still have the need for achievement – not to prove myself to anybody, but to share my gifts and talents – to simply “shine my light” in a more deliberate way, if you will. So it’s kind of the need for self-expression and self-realization in one, you might say 🙂

Is it a way of giving love?

Okay, let me repeat it here again: you don’t know what your contribution (to the world) should be, and you want to pray for clarity on that.

My comment to that: how about listening within to what you want to offer to the world, rather than listening “without” (to a higher power to tell you)?

I belief in the way things are and so far haven’t met a higher power. It can be frustrating to know things you’d like to do and not being able to do them. I think praying can really help me to be an antidote to feeling helpless. Then I can pray for finding way’s to do what I want to do with joy. To overcome my obstacles in times of despair.

It sounds like if you don’t do things others expect from you (or you believe they expect), you fear that the person might feel rejected, and it causes you pain. And you feel helpless because you don’t want to hurt them, but at the same time, you don’t want to do it either. So you are conflicted. You feel ambivalence, and perhaps you freeze in that neither-nor state, not wanting to do it, but not able to reject it either. Am I interpreting this right?

Thanks for sharing this observation. What you write is very close to how I feel. Yeah, this impulse confuses me and it is a challenge to bear. What I do is to let go which takes some time and control.

It sounds like a healthy thing: to allow yourself time and space to flourish, not judging yourself, not rushing yourself, but being like a good parent, or a good friend, to yourself.

It feels good to read that 🙂

Hi Tee,

That’s okay if you don’t respond when you don’t feel like it. No pressure. I am sorry you got sick – is it something like the flu?

Thanks, I need to hear this over and over. Mhh, I wonder I actually am sick once a month an now since 3 weeks. Feeling exhausted, last week rather stiff, ill and headache this week more a cold, less dizzy. I wanna try omega-3 and Vitamin D maybe that helps.

I am again worse with regard to my back – it started hurting for apparent reason, without any wrong move, so I am perplexed. Not really panicking like last year, but it’s not a good feeling to go through it again, because I thought I’ve reached a certain state, where I was more resilient and more stable. But apparently not :\

Do I get you right, you put more stress on your back like exercise and now it started hurting? I can Imagine that you feel vulnerable and helpless cause what you did seemed to have less impact. Maybe it is something like a flashback and you are more resilient and stable than you think.

Well, it would be a positive contribution for the world, on a small scale of course, within my sphere of influence.

In a course in miracles they say that the valuation does not matter rather how it feels. I like that.
Is it rather that you wanna see yourself in a certain role in life doing a certain action to validate your existence?

You want to pray to know what you need to do? Like, you don’t know what your contribution (to the world) should be, and you want to pray for clarity on that? Sorry if I misunderstood you…

Yes, that’s it. Thanks for trying.

Ah, it sounds like you believe people have expectations on you, they want you to do something, and you feel pressured by it, and you don’t like it. (BTW there are no expectations from my side, so as far as I am concerned, please don’t feel pressured to reply).

I think expectation is a small part. If someone does not reply on a forum or the phone within a time it’s easy to feel rejected. It’s already special for our systems to communicate without seeing or hearing. And I noticed that for me it’s hard to accept that my action is maybe not the cause but reminds a person at her vulnerability. My system sees danger if I do not take action I can get into ambivalence then.

Okay, so you feel comfortable doing things at your own pace, in your own time, when you feel like it, not when someone tells you to do it, right? Is it related to your family and the expectations they have from you? Or other people’s expectations as well?

Thanks for asking Tee. Yes I do things in my pace, time and feel. It is like being a child and I think I need this type of space to flourish.

My pathway meets blocks every day
I see so many problems
but my mind’s the only one
that’s got them

If I change how I see my way
All my problems will be gone today
Cause a miracle is hiding in every dark corner
And there’s a divine light that shines the dark away
And if I wish to see that light with my own eyes,
Well the highest in me shows me how, well it tries.

All this dark is just in my mind – illusion
Cause every problem already got a solution
Everything is already okay
Life’s a miracle in every way
There’s a divine light that shines the dark away
I just got to shine bright to see the light…

the lyrics can also be found here on page 40 (same as 51 of the pdf): https://cdn0030.qrcodechimp.com/qr/PROD/63de5c0bef59a6b6430443b7/fm/mantras_for_miracles_full_song_book_a5_x2_compressed.pdf

yeah, the song makes me smile inside

Dear Tee,

I reply late, sometimes I get in to this mode where I do not reach out to people. I replied already two weeks ago and I didn’t like where ther reply came from and it took till now as it’s changing again.

Is it only related to physical pain (you mentioned sweet pain after you fall), or in general, in your life, when you are out of sync with your being, that you feel emotionally tense and heavy (no lightness)?

It’s a general thing.

Yes, to reach the goals which are aligned with my inner being, with who I am. Not someone else’s goals, but my own.

Maybe you feel comfortable to reply this question: ‘What do you imagine happens when you meet your career goal and how do you know you met it?’

What do you think about this approach?

I forgot to pray lately, I think when I come out of the energy that there needs to be change, that there is something wrong or missing rather than I whish this and this happens and not beeing attached to the outcome it feels natural. There’s much patience endurance involved and sometimes I doubt it.

Talking to our subconscious is another aspect of solving the problem,

I feel your’re right it feels different. Two weeks a go I thought it’s the same. It feels rather like speaking to a person and praying doesn’t feel like talking to anyone or thing

And another big part of solving the problem is the plan of action – daily activities to support our goal. This is what actually brings us closer to our goal. Talking about it and understanding it is not enough. We need action.

Makes sense how can we reach a goal when wo do not move in it’s direction taking the steps, we need to be very clear what our goals are and why we need it. This kinda triggers me cause I struggle to take action mucho. I do not know how so I patiently wait and things work out too and I take action too it is just is so slow.

I like this approach about problems: https://aylalove.bandcamp.com/track/problems-are-solutions-in-disguise-2

Hey Tee,

Cool! Does it help at all (in case you took it)?

I don’t know.

And maybe that’s why you prefer to listen to your body and track the pain, rather than give up some of those movements altogether? Like, you want to hear and follow your own inner voice, rather than some outer voice (doctor) telling you what to do?

Yeah, I want to follow my inner voice. Everything else is overhead, it feels kinda painful.

For me, it is connecting to my inner power.

I wonder what you mean by that or how you experience inner power.

Hi Tee,

Sorry for the late reply. I think I might be a bit defensive in part of the answer I hope that’s good enough.

How bad is it? They are some exercises for that too, if you’re not already doing them?

This I think is addressed with strengthening. I do hardly feel it, I think my lower back feels more unstable.

I see… maybe you tried to push yourself in those first 2 months, to get over it quickly, and that’s why it sometimes hurt a lot, and it warranted an injection?

I did the injection because the doc told me the insurance might not pay. I was afraid that when I do not have pain I might overdo myself. That time I had very clear feedback from my body when I needed a break. Now it’s not so clear sometimes it’s activity sometimes mood.

Anyway, I feel I had to address it, because I think it’s an important topic… What do you think and feel about this?

I see your point, that’s why I ride ramps mostly they’re round you fall different you have less impact. It feels okay to do it. I use my body different than a year ago way more conscious. My mind worries about those things and I figured I need to learn from experience. This is somehow more important than taking perfect caution. I can’t change it by myself I so I accepted it for now.

I might have been projecting, because maybe you found a way to do those moves safely, so that they are less likely to cause you injury?

I use my body way more cautious these day’s way more soft and I take more breaks. Maybe that’s good enough.

May I ask how strong is this pain and how long it lasts?

It’s not really pain it’s more that my right leg feels a bit different (colder) and I have like a 1 in my back if it gets more I just stop.

I am sorry if my previous post contributed to your insecurity, by me “siding” with the doctors and telling you to do what “makes the most sense”, i.e. what is usually recommended for this type of injury.

Yeah, I kinda wanna let go of that cause it’s most times a combination between mood and physical activity or one of them. And if I’m honest I don’t know what it is and I noticed that I need to let go of these good/bad beliefs. Wrong movement that’s too easy to say.

I think this is what is what inspired me to handle it this way:

A friend told me that he was allergic to apples for most of his life cause his grandma told him when he was coughing:’ Oh, you must be allergic to apples’. I think what we belief can make a big difference and we need to be careful what we let in our minds.

A Neuro-Surgeon told me that it’s hard for doctor’s to know if what they did helped or if it was placebo. And he’s researching this.

I did some mistakes in the beginning when I had it. I just went working on the construction site the day after and at the end of the day I couldn’t walk straight. I hear that you did a small move and had big impact which makes you very cautious. I think this is how we are conditioned mostly. Because you had this experience you can be that cautious.

Take care, Beni!

I do 😉