Dear Danny

Why do you wish not to drink – once you have a clear understanding of the why then it is easier to abstain.

You could write down why you chose to drink ie a friends birthday party and what & how much you drank and any negative outcome like argument with girlfriend, bad hangover or failed to go to work the next day.

You may start to see patterns forming. If you go out for a couple of beers and are home in bed by 11 and function well the next day  and you are doing this 4 or 5 times a week you may choose to limit it to once a week or a month for health & financial reasons.

You may notice that when keeping company with certain friends you drink more. You could choose to still see these friends but change what you do ie instead of going to a bar for the whole evening, go bowling instead. You could also drink shandies instead of straight beer or larger.

Some may say that it is your ego that leads you astray & it is your ego that mentally beats you up after you have been drinking & regret it.

Dear Alette

I guess what may have happened is that while after there is a spilt, nostalgia can raise its head and we remember more of the good times and less of the bad.  With the chocolate is it a gentle reaching out if he is a kind genuine person? or if he is manipulative and narcissistic then its a hook to reel you back in. The main thing is it is up to you how you respond. ie a short text thank you for the chocolate – polite but not offering anything further or thank you for the chocolate that was a kind thought, it was nice to catch up with you – a gesture that is an invitation to further communication or no text gives the message you are sending is” back off I am not interested”.

Dear Kshitl

Ages ago I read a book called feeding your demons by Tslutrim  Allione. It may help you have a more positive relationship with your anxiety.

Dear Hatata

I get that large social groups can be unfulfilling especially if they involve alcohol & weed.

What are your hobbies & interests? That is the place where you will find people who you at least have one thing in common.

Doing voluntary work is a good way to make deeper connections, do something for others or the environment can be very satisfying.

I have casual acquaintances & casual friends  & a couple of friends with whom I have a strong heart connection most if not all do not come from my childhood.

I wish you all the best in your search for good companions

Roberta

Dear Robbie

I am sorry that your childhood was not nurturing in a way that would help you transition to  a happy adulthood.

Many people find that concentrating on whats called ‘inner child’  work gives them a framework to begin a journey towards wholeness by learning to be the parent  that your younger self needed.

I hope that you find a job that is fulfilling and financially viable. What kind of work would you like to do & would it give you the chance to connect with other people even briefly.

Kind regards

Roberta

Hi Tara

I read your post with interest, parts of your post reminded me of myself many many decades ago.

In my early twenties I did not want to waste my time on being in  relationships that were plainly not going anywhere, normally after a couple of weeks I could discern that there was alcohol, gambling or early warning signs of anger issues etc and like you I was the one who terminated the relationships.  I did business studies at college for a year – hated it, joined a firm of accountants as good with figures but this did not light up my soul.

Please tell me about the things that stimulate and bring you joy.  having a high paid job which makes you miserable will not bring you happiness in either the short or long term. What is the point of being successful if it does not bring you real happiness? Many people find satisfaction & friendship in volunteering.  Buddhism talks about the 8 worldly concerns and once we put them aside life has so much more to offer. You tube sravasti abbey has short talks on this topic, I have been listening to their talks for many years and have found them inspiring & informative.

What do you look for in relationships & friendships?

Shunryu Suzuki quote

Each of you is perfect the way you are … and you can use a little improvement.

Wishing you the best in your journey of finding meaning in your life.

Roberta

Dear David

Well done for taking the first steps on detoxing your digital input.

I agree with you that excessive use of technology has all the hallmarks of addiction. Like ignoring things & people, continuing use even when the enjoyment factor is no longer there.

Making the decision to use media as a tool rather than a prop.

I delete games that I consider that I play too much. Also unscribed to emails that are not purposeful. I am not on facebook which sometimes can be a disadvantage for local community activities.

I also switch off from my laptop an hour before I go to bed and i read something purposeful for at least half hour before sleep.

Spending more time outside and lhaving meaningful interacts also help

Good luck with your journey.

Roberta

Dear Jim

Just because you are both nice people & care for each other does not mean that you have/should to stay in a relationship.

Your girlfriend has complex issues and yes she needs support but from professionals, there is a place in Scotland called Lothlorian House which offers residential places.

Your own anger & frustration will only grow ( which is not healthy for either of you) you will end up not liking yourself.

Emotional blackmail is still emotional blackmail and colluding will only increase its frequency. You can cheerlead her from the sidelines but not get into the scrum.

Best wishes

Roberta