Dear Seaturtle:

“Yesterday morning, after reading the posts on this forum, I attempted a conversation with hatch. I told her I wanted to hear her, to come forward and I would not turn her away“- good job, Seaturtle!

“I am acting in a Play right now, a Shakespeare, it is my first time acting on a stage with other talented actors and people having to pay to come see it“- C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S  ! ! !

“Last night… hatch was desperate to feel accepted by the group I am working with…  I thought the answer to all this was to ignore it, but now I think maybe I have just been ignoring hatch?“- yes, do not ignore hatch. Continue to pay attention to how she feels, and when she feels anxious, comfort her. Take good care of her, according to what she needs at any one time.

“I read about how important a parents consistent love is to our self esteem, and feel my hatchling was insecure about love”- she needs you to love her consistently.

“By allowing hatchling to surface, is it typical for insecurities to arise?“- yes.

“I truly thought they were solved but maybe I was just ignoring hatchling and the real solution is to actually unlearn my body’s learned response to love and learn to see how others do care about me? I often feel my friends don’t care about me and do things without considering me .. and this is all being directed at N! what do you think about this?“- I am not clear about what you are asking here. Can you rephrase it clearly?

“I will look into ‘healing your inner child’ books“- don’t forget the workbooks which provide you with practical opportunities to communicate and interact with hatchling .

“Do most people just walk around with their inner child in a tamed cage?“- part of maturing is taming (effectively and kindly parenting) the inner child, so to not act impulsively when thoughtful action is the right thing to do, etc.. It’s the over-taming/ the imprisoning of the inner-child that is the problem.

“Will hatchling always be in a naïve insecure state? or can she be a mature (inner) child“-  the inner child stays the same (remember there is no Past for her: it’s always Present). It is the adult part of you that is able to perceive Past vs Present; it is the part that’s responsible for maturing, and it needs to guide, help and love hatchling, so that together you will have the best life experience that’s possible for you.

“Although I have work to do I feel like I just saw through a huge wall I felt was blocking me. I am eternally grateful to you! and myself!“- You are welcome and thank you!

anita

Dear Milda:

You are welcome.

“I had a very chaotic childhood, my father had serious drinking problem, so mother was always thinking on the next step, most of the time tired, scared or just with thoughts floating somewhere else…  I had a need inside to always solve their problems, so that maybe then I can live in a happy, stable and calm family with happy parents… what I do all day is thinking of others, feeling what they feel, thinking on how I can cheer them up, which advice I should give… This high sensitivity helped me to go through my childhood, to get parents love, but now this high sensitivity doesn’t serve me, it exhausts and I feel as I have never lived my own life, because I had to think of others and help them live their life“-

– I quoted all of the above because you articulated it so well, excellent awareness of the problem.. one that I can relate to, being that my childhood was chaotic too and my focus growing up was on my mother. I didn’t live my life (in my mind).. I lived her life. This became a habit and all through my adulthood, until most recently, I didn’t live my life. The frustration of not living my own life has been intense. It still frustrates and angers me, the concept of not living one own’s life, as in not being the central character in your own life, but a side character, one on the outside looking in.

As a child, I was powerless in real-life terms and my existence depended on my mother: her choices, her moods; and so my focus was on her. Fast forward, as an adult, I did/ do have real-life power, but in my mind, I didn’t. In my mind, I was still powerless, and therefore I focused on others.. mistakenly believing that everyone else has the power that I don’t.

My advice: (1) Exercise power over your life every day, in small ways and in big ways, gradually, patiently. it can be in as small a way as in how you choose to fold your laundry: do it your own way, the way that makes sense to you. (2) Expect distress in the process: your compulsion (habit of the mind) is to focus on others. When you practice otherwise, it will feel uncomfortable. You will have to talk to yourself when uncomfortable, telling yourself that discomfort is expectable. Then calm down and persist in practicing the new behaviors that are about practicing as much (ethical) power over your life as is possible for you.

anita

Dear Teo Desin:

You are welcome.

“About psychotherapy, are there certain types of psychotherapy you would recommend? I have tried CBT but I think it made enter the ‘thinking’ realm even more“-

– My first high-quality therapist was a CBT certified therapist, but he incorporated a high dose of Mindfulness principles and practices into therapy because he realized that my first and foremost need was to calm down on a regular basis, aka to practice emotion regulation skills.

“Also one thing that is holding me back from calming down is that I constantly feel the need to figure out what is the best choice for me to have as a degree…  I don’t let myself calm down unless I have figure it out… constant search for the ‘answer’“-

– this reads like OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) to me. I am not a psychotherapist though, nor am I a health professional of any kind. I am not qualified to diagnose anyone, nor are these forums the place for such.. BUT I know OCD (have been diagnosed with it), and it reads to me like you are obsessed with figuring out the best choice for a degree and your compulsion is to constantly search (“constant search“) for the answer.

“What are your recommendations on overcoming this constant search for the ‘answer’ that doesn’t let me to calm down by using appropriate routine, practices and changing my mindset?“- Firstly, realize that this constant search is a Problem and not a solution. You need to lessen the search itself (the compulsion). Secondly,  practice emotion regulation skills/ Mindfulness on an hourly and daily basis. Thirdly, approach the question of your choice of degree from.. an emotionally regulated state of mind.

anita

Dear Kiersten:

In your four threads, you shared that you are a 31-year-old woman, that you left Christianity a year ago, and you are now a Buddhist (interested in Zen Buddhism) who lives in a rural USA town, 60 miles away from the nearest Buddhist temples; a woman in need of spiritual guidance and a spiritual community that will compassionately accept your spiritual needs and disabilities (autism and “other serious physical and mental problems”). You have a Japanese Buddhist altar in your home and you regularly attend virtual meditation classes.

Your mother is and has been narcissistic and abusive, a woman “who shows no empathy or compassion” for you. You wish to end all contact with her, but she pays your rent and contact therefore is necessary.  You limit your contact with her to email and occasional phone calls only. You hope to attend college and secure a job for yourself sometime in the future, when your health stabilizes. When you are financially able to support yourself, then you will end contact with her.

You are thinking about leaving the US and living in another country where the cost of living is lower, where Christianity is not the norm,  and where a supportive, Buddhist spiritual community is available for you, perhaps in Japan.

Currently you do not have any friends or any type of support system, and you are  “unable to make and keep friends”.

You don’t trust people because you have “endured a lot of mental abuse from family, former friends, ex partners, and medical professionals… have trust issues with other people due to the emotional abuse… have had many people make promises and don’t keep them”.

My input today: I have been a regular, daily participant here, in these forums since May of 2015 (with a break of 6 months, Feb-Aug 2023). I am not a Buddhist (nor am I a Christian or a member of any other religion), but I believe in some Buddhist principles and I am still trying to live by then. I am inviting you to be my friend here, in the context of these forums. I will be empathetic and compassionate with you. If you respond to me, I will reply further. If you don’t respond to me- that’s okay with me because I would like you to feel comfortable with whatever choice you make. It is very important that you make your own choices whenever, wherever possible, and that you have a measure of peace of mind as you make your choices.

anita

Dear n2life:

“I just recently had a major major health issue happen. I had one person reach out and come over while I was recovering and that was someone I don’t even know really well. Someone has the sniffles? I swear I’m making chicken noodle soup and on my way over with it… Thoughts with the little amount I put?“-

(1) Has the very major health issue been resolved/ successfully treated?

(2) The one person who reached out to you, someone you don’t know well, may be someone like you who cares about others and is not afraid to show she cares, while the others who didn’t reach out to you, either they don’t care, and/ or they are too afraid to acknowledge someone else’s serious health issues because it awakens their anxiety abut their own health, life and death.

“How do you make healthy 2-way  friendships in your late-ish adult life?“- perhaps talk more, get to know other people better: what motivates them, what they are afraid of, what they value most..?

anita

Dear Aphroitte1:

I wanted to add that I am sorry for your recent losses, the loss of your grandad and his wife: “In December 2022, my grandad passed away due to a heart attack… In March 2023, his wife passed away due to cancer that manifested because of the sadness she carried for my grandad”.

It is difficult, in a way shocking, when people you knew your whole life are suddenly gone, no matter how old they are, isn’t it..

“This was the moment when I developed a fear of uncertainty in life, death, and panic that something bad would happen any moment to any of my close people. I became depressed, scared, and anxious all the time. (Don’t know how to solve this feeling, it eats me alive. I cannot enjoy anything in my life or be happy, I am constantly walking on eggshells)”-

– It is very difficult to be afraid on and on, so much of the time. I hope that you are feeling better, that you will be feeling better soon.

“I want to… Not to rethink everything for the 100th time. It kills me to be an overthinker, to have these thoughts and feelings.“-  Overthinking what scares us keeps the fear going.. and the fear keeps fueling overthinking, it’s a vicious cycle. Having a daily routine of aerobic exercise and a variety of mindfulness practices can help.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

You are very welcome! “I haven’t heard the term ‘Hatch’ before”- it’s not a term (lol), it’s short for hatchling which means a baby turtle, When I say Hatch, I am referring to your inner child, as in Sea turtle (your screen name) being the adult part of you, and Hatchling being the child-part of you.

“I do feel like I am split in two“- join the adult part and the child part and you will be united as one: never have Hatch too far from your awareness. She needs your attention on a regular basis.. just like a real-life child needs regular attention from a parent.

I wrote: “Hatch keeps seeing her father in men and.. she keeps running away, or wanting to run away (from her father)… seeing her father in N“, and your response: “Yes! I was doing this consciously… Exactly.. I am trying to overcome this association between N and my Father“.

I wrote: “Hatch- for whom there is no distinction between past and present, is still living in her father’s house, still distressed, still wanting to run away“, and your response: “Wow, this spoke deeply to me. Could this be why I feel so exhausted all the time?“-

– Yes, it’s exhausting to keep (preparing for) running away because the hormones released when your brain is preparing to run away (hormones that increase heart rate etc.) cause physical exhaustion.. without actually running.

“I agree with your assessment of his use of the word ‘excuse’ not being abusive…  It just makes Hatch angry/insecure…When triggered I still believe Hatch sometimes and simultaneously want to argue it, like my adult-self/ME is buried so deep I can barely hear her anymore”-

– back to the point of being split into two vs being united as one: neither part needs to be buried while the other takes over. The two parts need to hear each other. When you get triggered, Hatch gets to be heard and she says: I am angry! I feel insecure! The adult part then looks at N as the cause.. while he is not. Do believe Hatch… but know that Hatch feels the way she feels based on her life-experience way before N ever appeared in your life.

I suggested redirecting your anger to whom it belongs, and you responded: “visualizing my father and directing anger to him?“- I don’t know if you can do it on your own. I tend to think that you will need the professional help of a quality psychotherapist to redirect your anger and then resolve it. And I am not a psychotherapist.

“In the end I want to be able to get rid of that anger all together”- You are already trying to get rid of your anger by referring to it not as this anger, but as that anger, as in the anger over there.

“In the end I want to be able to get rid of that anger all together, rather than just redirect it. Is redirecting it first then I will need to resolve that with him?“-

– This anger, your anger needs to be heard before it’s resolved. Every emotion and physical sensation has a message: thirst= I need to drink; hunger= I need to eat, tired=I need to rest; scared=I need protection/ comfort; angry= I am being threatened and I am preparing to fight against the threat. Question is.. who and what is threatening you: is it N or is it your father? (Remember, for Hatch the Past is the Present; the Present is the Past).

I wrote that the adult part of you can make Hatch feel seen, and you responded: “This is freeing in a sense for sure. however there are people in my life who do make me feel seen, why is this? My mom, sisters and two close friends (sometimes random acquaintances) make me feel seen when I cannot see myself, is it wrong to want this from  a partner? Or is there a reason that I don’t feel seen by him as I do others?” (the boldface in this quote is your addition)-

– I assume (and correct me if I am wrong) that you don’t always feel seen by others and that when you don’t feel seen by them it doesn’t trigger/ distress you enough to notice or overthink it, but when you feel unseen by N, it triggers/ distresses you a lot because it awakens Hatch’s hurt and anger. Hatch is trying to resolve her UNSEEN experience through N, so she’s very sensitive to what he says, what he does..

“My heart can’t imagine not having contact, but I can’t tell if that’s cause I feel bad for him or myself. It gives me a big sense of loneliness to avoid him. What are some techniques to hear hatch?.. Do you know of techniques, a book..?” – there are plenty of books and workbooks about hearing and communicating with the inner child. The late John Bradshaw authored such books (Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing your Inner Child). There are other authors, plenty of literature on the topic, enter “healing the inner child” into a search engine and plenty will appear.

“Is Hatch ever able to have a sense of time, past versus present? Is the goal to raise hatchling into an adult as to be in one mind? Or are we meant to have these two parts of us..?“-

-Hatch will always be a hatchling, this is why every old person still feels like a child from time to time (exclaiming something like: I can’t believe I am this old?!). The goal is not to raise Hatch, as in to no longer have an inner-child, but to get along with her, to give her the empathetic attention that she needs. These two parts (adult and inner-child need to co-exist in harmony.

“and are there more than hatchling and adult?“- some authors added inner parent to the mix. I am good with inner child and adult (the adult should parent the inner child).

“Wow this makes me feel terrible that I did this to her. Does this make hatch angry? Is there a way to willingly bring her to such family events I don’t want to miss and will inevitably interact with my dad? This visual makes me want to care for her so badly”- these are questions to ask Hatch. I am glad you want to care for her!

“So if it is hatch that cannot distinguish where to direct her anger, Adult can help her?”- like any real-life child, Hatch is afraid to direct anger at her father, afraid of his anger in return, afraid of what (in her mind) this big, powerful man will do to her when angry. She wants to please him, so that he’d be nice to her.

The adult part of you needs to communicate to her that you (this big-enough, powerful-enough young woman) can handle her father’s anger, that you can and will protect her.

“I was proud of myself for ‘forgiving’ both of my parents, was this in fact not forgiveness and just telling Hatch to be quiet?“- if forgiving=telling Hatch to be quiet, then your forgiving efforts need to be adjusted/ postponed.

“One of the reasons I wanted to choose this ‘forgiveness’ is because I did not want to hold a grudge on my parents, I wanted to love them and feel loved by them”- understandable: love feels so much better than anger.

“Will directing this anger back to my dad make me resentful and harden my heart?“- it will do the opposite: it will soften your heart and release or resolve your existing anger. But, like I wrote earlier in this post, I tend to think that you will need the help of a quality professional therapist to do this.

It is easy to type the words “directing this anger back to my dad” (congrats for referring to your anger as this anger vs that anger!), but it is not at all easy to do, and if you rush to do it, unprepared, it can backfire and hurt you instead of helping you.

“I wonder the difference between parents just being human and then seriously messing up enough to deserve their child turning their back on them”- focus on what Hatch deserves.

You wrote earlier yesterday: “I deny my own trauma even now, I don’t believe it was as bad as I think it was.. I see people growing in way worse situations then me and think I was blessed, but then I self destruct in my relationship and have crippling anxiety and start to believe I did actually go through something difficult”-

– there is a saying, the proof is in the pudding, which to me means that if you exited your real-life childhood with crippling anxiety, and you self-destruct, then your childhood was not a blessing, but a bad enough situation, bad enough to not deny, but to address. It’s not only broken bones and physical starvation that constitute a bad or traumatic childhood.. children are so very sensitive, they can’t help it: a parent’s repeated uncontrolled anger- even it is expressed in facial features and tone of voice alone- is enough to traumatize a child.

“My partner has told me he admires how I forgive my parents and can have a friendship with them after all that has been done. He doesn’t understand why his sister of 32 years old won’t speak to her parents at all. She tells N they traumatized her in more ways than one.. I.. fear it will distance me from N because I think his hatchling is purposely kept at 5% volume level“-

– Focus on increasing the volume level of Hatch’s Voice: hear her words, listen to her; take her side no matter what, no matter if N or your father agree or disagree. If the price for you (the adult part) to  pay for getting close to .. you (the child part) is distancing yourself from N.. then it will be a price worth paying.

anita

Dear Teo Desin:

Having to decide what to study, and considering moving to a different city (if you chose medicine)  was such an extremely stressful emotional experience for you, so overwhelming, that you found yourself in “a state of depersonalization/ derealization“.

“Three years have passed since then but I still feel that i made the ‘wrong’ choice.“- three years have passed and you are still experiencing an elevated stress level

“So what are your thoughts on overcoming big life regrets and how one can become again the ‘Protagonist’ of his life if he feels the choice he made rendered him an ‘Extra‘”-  experiencing life as the central character in your life  vs being on the sidelines of your life, an extra character, requires first that you lower your stress level and keep it manageable. Having a daily routine and structure in your daily life is part of it. Aerobic daily exercise is very helpful. Online guided meditations and other Mindfulness practices can help a lot. So can quality psychotherapy.

I hope to receive your response to my reply and hope to communicate with you further.

anita