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anitaParticipantGood Monday, Peter:
From your original post:
The hardening of the heart is the natural calcification resulting from a life lived out of synch with the rhythm of Grace.
Now I see grace as looking at myself and at others with the willingness to accept rather than reject; to forgive rather than to cement judgment.
Loving (practicing grace toward) myself and loving others are two sides of the same coin.
I grew up (grew in) with a mother with a calcified heart. No one that I recall was free from her negative judgment, sooner or later.
No one was good-for-long. I remember the relief I felt when she expressed a positive opinion of someone, and the disappointment when even that someone turned into bad.
Fast forward and helped by your thread, Peter, I want to dedicate my life to Grace and to the Rhythm of Grace: to see the good in you and in me and to keep seeing it.
To Notice judgment when it occurs (it’s a habit) and Shift to Grace.
“The heart turns to shield just to endure” (your 3rd post)-
I sam softening the shield because I endured (I am alive to talk about it) and now, I can exhale judgment and breathe in grace.
I want to express and share grace. You have shared it here and elsewhere in your threads and in your replies in others’ threads over the years (it’d be 10 years in May)
I forgot the biblical story of Exudus although it was taught in school at great lengths. I remember the Israelites were slaves in Egypt. They left, were lost in the desert for 40 years, one oasis along the way.
Just now I remember what the story brought to me back then: I related to being lost in an emotional desert, longing to arrive at the promised land that was never promised to me because I was not yet good or worthy enough, if at all.
I want to look up the story later when I have the use of a computer, and I’m looking forward to reading your further exploration of the story.
🏜 Anita
anitaParticipantGood morning, Confused:
Your last 2 posts from yesterday point to something I didn’t notice before: that she jumps ahead to step five when you didn’t even live through step two, predicting future problems, which is her way of seeking control. So, instead of planning your next visit and enjoying what you have, the two of you end up theorizing about the future and discussing hypothetical issues that may never happen,
And when she talks about future problems, it triggers your insecurity: you start feeling like you’re not enough and that she’s preparing to leave you. For you, it’s about being realistic and removing the pressure of expectations so that you can enjoy each other without needing to know what will happen years from now.
So, her future worries trigger your insecurity=> Your insecurity triggers your avoidance=> Your avoidance makes her more anxious=> Her anxiety makes her future‑oriented.. And the cycle continues. You are aware of this pattern. I was not.
You need to remove pressure so that the relationship can breathe. You want realism and present‑moment connection so that intimacy can grow naturally instead of being forced. You want the relationship to grow from real experiences, not imagined ones. Right?
When she jumps ahead into future “what ifs,” your system reads it as pressure, and that pressure immediately touches your old fear of not being enough— it’s the way a nervous system reacts when it has learned, in the past, that love can be withdrawn at any time or that performance is tied to worth. So, her future‑oriented worries land in a very sensitive place inside you.
And on her side, it sounds like imagining future problems is her way of trying to feel safer — a way of creating a sense of control in a situation that is by nature uncertain. It’s not that she wants to rush you; it’s that she’s trying to manage her own anxiety by predicting outcomes. Both of you are trying to feel secure, just in different ways: you by slowing down and staying in the present; her by rushing to the future.
What you’re asking for — letting things unfold through real experiences in the present rather than imagined scenarios — is actually a very healthy way to build something real. You’re not shutting the door on the future; you’re trying to give the relationship room to breathe so it doesn’t collapse under the weight of imagined expectations. You’re trying to build something steady, not something rushed.
Interesting how I was not aware of this until this very morning 😕
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Confused:
How strange, I submitted a post for you but it disappeared. I didn’t thoroughly read all of your recent post, but what I was saying was that I forgot that you met IRL for only THREE DAYS, therefore you being cautious makes sense.
THREE DAYS is just not long enough of a basis for her to make plans for the 2 of you.
Like I said, I didn’t read all of your last post but I will in the morning (9:23 pm here, 7:23 pm in Greece… when do u sleep…??? 🤔
🌙 Anita
anitaParticipantI meant, see my post before your last one (the one I posted 40 minutes ago)?
anitaParticipantSee my post before last?
anitaParticipantTo tell you the truth, Confused, if I was her, at her age, and I heard my love-interest say to me: ‘you shouldn’t make plans without us having lived together for a while’ (which is what you told her), I would bail, I would give up on you because I wouldn’t want to be on a trial basis (living together for you to decide if you want to be with me, or not).
Imagine how she would feel to live with you so that you can decide about her (keep going or not)? How would you feel in that situation?
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantHow are you, Sonia?
anitaParticipantHow is 2026 so far, Miss L Dutchess, 3 months and 12 days in?
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantDid you ask her what she meant by that?
anitaParticipantA new thread, me? 3 months and 11 days since you posted last?
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipant5 months and 3 weeks since you posted last, Clara. I wish I could read from you again.
You are not easy to forget 🙂
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused:
The best you can do, as you have done, is to tell her the truth just as it is, just like you wrote in the message above.
Give her all the information that’s available to you and let her decide what she wants to do.
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantI hope 🙏 you’re okay, Tom. You are such a decent person. You deserve good things, at the least- peace of mind and heart.
👍 🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Confused:
I didn’t consider that possibility as to why you checked for her messages every 10 minutes (see my multiple,choice question above ( probably double posting)
The certainty she’s looking for is you moving to Cyprus for living together as partners?.
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantHmm, let me present the question above as a multiple-choice question ( it may be helpful, if not, it may be fun 😀 (I’m okay with this emoji just for this post). Okay, here it is:
I (Confused) checked ✔️ for her messages every 10 minutes because:
a. I was bored and had nothing better to do.
b. I was afraid 😨 of her and was checking to see 👀 if she’d threaten my life.
c. I had nothing better to do. I was bored.
d. It was late, couldn’t sleep, so I kept my fingers moving for exercise (checking her messages) so to tire myself.
e. Bored.
f. I gambled with a friend for $20 that she’d message me by the end of the 🌙. Was hoping to make some 💰
g. Nothing 2 do.
h. a & b
i. c & d
f. 🤢
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 