Dear Charlotte:

I reactivated your 2018 thread because I can relate very much to what you shared back then in this thread and in your other threads. (I am presenting the following in the present tense even though things may have changed since then):

The central theme in your original post here is how easily you lose your sense of self in romantic relationships.

You described not being able to feel your own emotions, sense your boundaries, or stay connected to what you want. You get “absorbed” into the other person, go against your own limits, and then feel guilt and shame afterward. This isn’t about this particular man — it’s about your relationship with yourself.

People who grow up without emotional attunement — parents who don’t mirror feelings, don’t help the child understand their inner world, or don’t respect boundaries — often grow up without a stable internal sense of self. In adulthood, they tend to “merge” with partners because they don’t have a strong inner anchor to hold onto.

What you describe is the emotional pattern of fearful‑avoidant attachment: craving closeness, fearing it, moving toward someone, then pulling away, then feeling guilty and returning. This cycle usually begins long before adulthood.

You wrote about feeling shame, guilt, dishonesty, and like you were “not yourself.” The shame isn’t about the physical intimacy — it’s about abandoning your own boundaries. Every time you said “no” and then went against it, you reinforced the old belief that your needs don’t matter. That belief comes from childhood.

You actually mentioned this connection yourself (I didn’t notice you mentioning your parents yesterday, but here it is): “I’ve been struggling with feeling myself and my emotions in other romantic relationships as well as in the relationship to my parents.”

This one sentence says a lot. It suggests that growing up your emotions weren’t mirrored, your boundaries weren’t respected, you had to adapt to others, and you weren’t allowed to take up emotional space

Children who grow up this way often become adults who don’t know what they feel, don’t know what they want, feel guilty for having needs, lose themselves in relationships, and panic when someone gets close. Your current struggles are a continuation of that early pattern.

You worry that you’re being dishonest, but what’s actually happening is this:

You say what you think you feel → you get overwhelmed → you disconnect from yourself → you act from fear → you feel guilty → you try to correct it → you get overwhelmed again.

This isn’t manipulation. It’s your nervous system trying to protect you from emotional overload.

You also mentioned that he is calm, patient, and accepting. That’s positive — but for someone with your attachment pattern, it can also be confusing. You’re used to relationships where you had to adapt or manage others. His calmness removes the familiar “role,” which can make you lose your sense of self even more.

You’re unsure whether you like him because you can’t feel yourself clearly. You wonder if it’s the wrong person or if it’s emotional numbness. This confusion is common when someone doesn’t yet have a stable internal sense of self. Until that stabilizes, it’s impossible to know what you truly feel about him.

Right now, you’re trying to make relationship decisions from a place of numbness, shame, fear, and self‑abandonment. No one can make a clear choice from that state.

What matters most is understanding that you didn’t act out of malice. You acted out of fear and emotional survival. You’re not a bad person — you’re someone who never learned how to stay connected to herself because she wasn’t supported in developing that connection as a child.

Your adult pattern — losing yourself, feeling guilty for having needs, being pulled toward and away from intimacy — is the natural outcome of growing up without emotional safety.

* Mirroring a child’s feelings means the parent reflects the child’s emotional state back to them in a calm, attuned way. It helps the child feel seen and teaches them what their feelings are.

Examples: (1) Child: crying because a toy broke, Parent: “Oh sweetheart, you’re really sad about your toy. It meant a lot to you.”

(2) Child: hiding behind the parent at a party, Parent: “You’re feeling shy right now. It’s okay to take your time.”

(3) Child: angry because a sibling took something, Parent: “You’re frustrated and mad. I get it — that didn’t feel fair.”

(4) Child: excited about something, Parent: “You’re so excited! Tell me what happened.”

This teaches the child “My feelings make sense.”, “Someone understands me.”, “My emotions aren’t too much.”, “I can trust what I feel.”

This is the foundation of a stable sense of self.

An attuned parent can help a child understand their inner world. Examples:

(1) Child: says “I don’t know” when asked what’s wrong, Parent: “Sometimes feelings get mixed together. Maybe you’re a little sad and a little angry?”

(2) Child: nervous before a performance, Parent: “That tight feeling in your stomach is nerves. It happens when something matters to you.”

(3) Child: shouting “I hate you!”, Parent: “You’re really upset right now. Let’s take a moment and figure out what’s underneath that anger.”

This teaches the child: “My inner world is understandable.”, “My feelings have names.”, “I can explore what’s happening inside me.”, “I don’t have to be afraid of my emotions.”

This is how children develop emotional awareness and self‑connection.

An attuned parent Respects the child’s boundaries, recognizing the child as a separate person with their own needs, preferences, and limits.

Examples:

(1) Child: doesn’t want to hug a relative, Parent: “That’s okay. You don’t have to hug anyone if you don’t want to.”

(2) Child: wants to play alone, Parent: “You want some space right now. I’ll check on you in a bit.”

(3) Child: says “stop” during tickling, Parent: “You said stop — I’m stopping.”

(4) Child: doesn’t want to share a toy yet, Parent: “You’re not ready to share right now. You can tell me when you are.”

This teaches the child “My boundaries matter.”, “I’m allowed to say no.”, “I have control over my body and space.”, “I am a separate person.”

This is how children develop a strong sense of self and healthy boundaries in adulthood.

When a child grows up with mirrored feelings → they learn emotional clarity, with help understanding their inner world → they develop self-awareness, with respected boundaries → they develop a stable sense of self

When these are missing, the child grows up unsure of their feelings, disconnected from their needs, easily overwhelmed, prone to losing themselves in relationships, afraid to set boundaries and guilty for having needs. This is exactly the pattern you described Charlotte, a pattern I can very much relate to.

(to be continued next)

Anita

And you crying 😢 your guts out and then feeling indifferent- that’s not strange in my mind. I mean, if you cry your guts out for too long, you’ll be out of guts (and how 🤔 will you process food with no guts?)

so it’s not “strange” to me that your body-brain stopped the loss of your guts (by suspending feelings/ feeling indifferent 😐 )

😐 🤔 😢 😔 🙂 😏 😴 Anita

Thinking about you, me. I think you live south of the scene of mass shooting yesterday in B.C 😔

Dear Char:

I would like to ask you again 🙂 6.5 years later the same question: what do you think 🤔 about a possible connection between your struggles (particularly with shame, guilt, feelings of inauthenticity, repressed anger) and your childhood experience?

I went over your threads since the first on
Nov 29 2013 (age 21), and you shared nothing about your childhood, and as far as I could see, none of the people who responded to you asked you about your childhood until I did right above.

You should be 34, I think. It’ll be a miracle 🙏 hearing from you after such a long time.

* I may add a post here in the next day or two.

🤍 Anita

Anyone, Feb 8, 2014 (age 28): “I realize the fact that I need to be on my own first (emotionally). Nobody can take care of me if I don’t take care of me. I know this is not the right time to think and plan to settle with someone because I’m too weak and not yet healed completely. But it scares me to even think of having to share the roof with another person; in other words – to trust any other person.”

Feb 10, 2014: “My mom is weak emotionally. And she is worried how will I spend my life alone; for sure, she will prompt me to get married to some guy; and I’m not at all ready… I told her that I would need her to be at my place… (but she won’t) because what will she say to society”.

April 29, 2014: “My parents live in another city in India, they are around 65 yrs old now. My elder brother is there too… We live in a joint family, each floor for each family. It’s getting difficult for mom n dad to take the staircase (3rd floor) (there’s no lift)… It’s pretty hot (40-48*C in summer) and 10 months in a year it’s hot.”

July 12, 2014: “It’s about my mom n dad who are not so compatible at 65 years of age… My dad… does what he feels like, doesn’t consider and understand what another person needs or likes… My brother is short-tempered too… Dad is a person who just doesn’t understand. He… has never taken (mom) for a movie nor a gift in 30 years of marriage. And now, when he shouts at mom and dominates her, I can’t take it and freaks me out… I also feel that respect is earned and can’t be forced, so mom needs to change her responses towards dad… About mom… I would like to show her a way to suffer less”

Nov 9-12, 2015: “As of now, my state of mind is- I know I want to be loved by someone in a relation. Will it ever happen? Or will I wake up every day alone? Will I ever get a worthy person to share my life? 🙁 I live alone, and I got nobody to listen to me or hug me.. It’s tough!..

“Thank you, Anita, for being there! Kisses and hugs! Well, I want a man who would be caring, respectful, has similar likes so that we enjoy doing things together… You’re right Anita. Failure in the past has made me believe and think that it’s wrong to need love. I have got used to provide everything by myself so much that it feels wrong to be needing love. And so, I consider it as a weakness because I know I cannot live without it. I feel like begging to the person in relation.

“Probably if it is the right person, I won’t get that feeling. For now, it’s getting difficult to focus on my career and goals. When you get hit at heart, your mind stops working. I feel low or stressed most of the times. I came to spend few days with my family. It feels better here but I know what it will be like the moment I go back.”

Jan 7, 2019 (age 33): “My parents are 70 years old and face verbal abuse from my elder brother who lives with them… For his own reasons, he blames them for his life (he got divorced twice and now finding it difficult to remarry). He used to physically and verbally abuse his ex-wives… While my dad ignores his behavior, my mom gets hurt deeply but also doesn’t stand up firmly to say that this kind of behavior will not be acceptable. She has tolerated a lot; brother has often blamed her for the decisions that turned out wrong… I don’t know how to resolve this situation!!! Don’t want my parents to die an abusive death…

“Currently, my mother shouts back at my dad and they both quarrel like cats and dogs. And another situation is where every one of them is frustrated with each other. My brother often says that he wants to leave the city; I have tried to ask him to take the plunge (he wants to too, but he doesn’t take a decision) because when he is not around at home, the environment is peaceful and calm.”

* Across all your posts, Anyone, you’ve shown a long‑standing pattern of emotional exhaustion, loneliness, fear of intimacy, and a deep longing for safety. You had to be ‘strong’ for far too long without ever feeling supported yourself.

From your earliest writing, you talked about needing to be emotionally self‑reliant, being afraid to trust someone enough to share a home and feeling “too weak” or “not healed.” That doesn’t come out of nowhere — it’s the voice of someone who grew up without emotional safety.

You carried responsibilities no child should carry, worrying about your mother’s pain, your parents’ marriage and the overall family environment. You stepped into the role of the ‘fixer,’ a role that overwhelmed you.

You also expressed deep loneliness — fearing you’d be alone forever, longing for love, feeling guilty for wanting it, and struggling to function when emotionally hurt. You want connection, but you don’t trust it, which is a painful contradiction.

You felt responsible for everyone’s wellbeing except your own. You tried to protect your mother, manage your father’s behavior, calm your brother, and keep the family from falling apart, all while having no one to support you.

Your family environment was emotionally chaotic and unpredictable:

1. Your father was emotionally unavailable and dismissive- you described him as unsupportive, dominating, inconsiderate, withholding affection, and shouting at your mother. Growing up with a father like this teaches a child: ‘My feelings don’t matter.’, ‘Love is unpredictable.’, ‘Men can hurt you emotionally.’ ‘I must stay small to avoid conflict.’ This connects directly to your adult fear of trusting men.

2. Your mother was emotionally weak and unable to protect herself- She tolerated mistreatment, didn’t set boundaries, and worried about society’s judgment. This teaches a child: ‘Women must endure pain quietly.’,
‘I must take care of my mother because she can’t take care of herself., ‘My needs come second.’ This is why you felt guilty for needing love — you learned that needing things is “too much.”

When a child grows up in a home where the adults are overwhelmed, unstable, or emotionally unavailable, the child quickly learns that their own needs create more stress for the people around them who are already overstressed as is, thinking along the lines of ‘If I need something, it will burden the people I love.’, ‘My needs will make things worse.’ ‘It’s safer and more loving to not need anything.’

3. No one in the family protected each other- your father created problems and ignored others’ pain, your mother tolerated everything, your brother added more chaos, and you tried to fix it all. This dynamic created hyper‑responsibility, emotional burnout, fear of intimacy, difficulty trusting others, loneliness, and a longing for safe connection.

You grew up without emotional safety — so you never learned what it feels like.

Your adult struggles make perfect sense given your childhood. You feared relationships because you never saw a healthy one. You’ve felt guilty wanting love because you were taught to suppress your needs. You’ve felt responsible for everyone’s emotions because you grew up managing chaos. You felt alone because you never had emotional support. You doubted your worth because you never received consistent affection.

Growing up, you were not protected from adult burdens. From a young age, you were pulled into adult problems: your parents’ marriage, your mother’s emotional pain. You became the emotional caretaker — the ‘responsible one.’ A child in that role learns: ‘My needs don’t matter. I must take care of everyone else.’

You’ve been exhausted because you’ve carried your family’s emotional weight for decades. You never got to be ‘just a daughter.’, or ‘just a child’.

In simple terms: you grew up in a home where love was inconsistent, conflict was constant, emotional needs were ignored, you had to be the strong one, and no one protected you.

So, as an adult, you’ve longed for love but feared it. You’ve wanted connection but didn’t trust it. You wanted support but only knew how to give it, not to receive it. Your childhood shaped you into someone who appeared strong on the outside but has been deeply lonely on the inside.

It’d be a miracle to read from you again, Anyone ✨🌈 🌟

🤍 Anita

Dear Robbi:

Thank you, Robi 🙏.

A 2-hour walk is a long walk, I’m impressed 🙌. And congrats for finding a part-time online job!

* Oh, no, it’s not cold here. There were cold winters in the past, but his one has been the warmest.

I’m glad the coaching session went well and I’m curious about the lots that came up during the coaching session, particularly what these 2 sentences mean (if you care to explain, you don’t have to, of course 🙂):

“Me and my girlfriend are mirroring each other so perfectly. She’s triggering the f*ck out of me exactly where it hurts the most.”?

🤍 Anita

Good morning, Confused:

You wrote yesterday: “But it wasn’t like that in the beginning. It never got sexual, it was just deep and intellectual talks/bonding, the type I long for. The thing is, I pulled back when the meeting was about to happen, so I think that means something. Because I value her and I like her a lot as a person, her character is special and I wouldn’t like to lose her.”-

Maybe you’ve been afraid (since shortly before the first in real-life 3-days visit, and since then) to lose her as a non-sexual female person in your life, a deep and intellectual person, the type you long for. It could be that the sexual factor led to your emotional shutdown.

🤍 Anita