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self doubt, not being sure of my decisions

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  • #421895
    Caroline
    Participant

    Hello everyone.

    I have this issue.. I know about it for a while: my self doubt, making decisions and then doubting myself. But right now it’s getting ridiculous, I really DON’T KNOW what I want. It’s scary and depressing.

    I got this job offer.It’s very good, well paid and everything. I could learn a lot. BUT it’s an evening job. From 2pm to 10pm, so almost at night. I could lose all afternoons, evenings I have to myself. I work from home so that’s good but I would be busy so all afternoons would be lost.

    I am scared of being a slave to my job. No going shopping, no watching tv, no meeting friends or family in the afternoon. Ever. Because mornings are just.. mornings. I would have to get up early to get something done and I probably would but I would have to come back at 2PM to start working so not much time to do anything or meet people… and I live in small town, nearest shopping mall/city centre is like 6 miles.

    I would be able to only walk around my house, the area or just go to nearest shop etc. within my 30minutes break.

    It scares me. Yesterday when I finished work at 2PM I thought about it, how it would be the time I start work and it seems really long time until 10pm. Seems tiring and too late for work.

    On the other hand the job I do right now is.. pointless. My colleagues are nice but they all plan to leave soon. The work we do is getting more and more difficult with zero recognition, we have almost no resources to keep working. It’s frustrating because I am trying and it’s not going good. But I can start at 6 am and finish at 2PM… so that’s a good side.

    I talked to the manager because she knew I was interested. But I told her I would think about it. Today I asked her some additional questions whether it would be possible to work one week in the morning and the other week in the afternoon but she said she didn’t think so.

    I already told my coworkers I am interested and thinking about it. But now I am scared with this idea. I feel silly.

    Yesterday I thought I was going to apply and it would be good for me but today I am panicking.

    How do I make this decision? Please can you help.

    Thank you.

     

    #421896
    Caroline
    Participant

    I feel really stupid for telling one day I want to do it and the other day feeling panic and being scared. What is wrong with me 🙁

    it’s so frustrating and sad.

    I feel like people would judge me for it and think I am stupid or something. I should not have said anything and should just think it over first.

    #421899
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Caroline:

    I feel really stupid for telling one day I want to do it and the other day feeling panic and being scared. What is wrong with me“- visualizing the job, you felt trapped, so,  you got scared and you catastrophized the envisioned job situation, seeing it as way worse than it would be, or could be..  seeing it as something horrible.

    This increased your fear: you panicked and you want to escape the envisioned trap as quickly as possible. Is this what happened?

    anita

    #421900
    Caroline
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    visualizing the job, you felt trapped, so,  you got scared and you catastrophized the envisioned job situation, seeing it as way worse than it would be, or could be..  seeing it as something horrible.

    This increased your fear: you panicked and you want to escape the envisioned trap as quickly as possible. Is this what happened?

    yes.. I think so..

    Do you think I see it way worse than it would be?

    When I think of 10PM in the evening.. the thought that I finish working at this late hour… makes me panic. Is it not that bad as I imagine it?

    #421902
    Caroline
    Participant

    Anita thank you for helping me understand my emotions. Now I know why it changed to drastically and so quickly!

    One moment I wanted this and was even excited about this, although working that late is not great or ideal.. and next moment I am almost having panic attack just thinking about it.

    I went for a walk but it didn’t clear my head, it made me tired. This whole idea of changing job exhausts me. I hate it about myself!

    #421903
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Caroline:

    You are welcome.

    Do you think I see it way worse than it would be?“- yes, I do.

    Is it not that bad as I imagine it?“- no, it is not as bad as you imagine it. In a calm, positive state of mind, you will be able to imagine it differently: seeing opportunities and possibilities you didn’t see when panicking.

    This whole idea of changing job exhausts me. I hate it about myself!“- self-hate is exhausting and otherwise bad for your health! Love yourself instead, be kind to yourself and your life will be better for it in every way.

    anita

    #421906
    Caroline
    Participant

    Anita,

    You make it so easy. What if it’s not? What if I’ll be exhausted, will miss the life I had and feel trapped? Not in this job but in those… late hours…

    Do you think I see it way worse than it would be?“- yes, I do.

    Is it not that bad as I imagine it?“- no, it is not as bad as you imagine it. In a calm, positive state of mind, you will be able to imagine it differently: seeing opportunities and possibilities you didn’t see when panicking.

    I know you’re probably.. most surely… right. It can’t be that catastrophic. I tend to be like that.

    I know will make this decision for me. I know you or any other person here can’t tell me “yes, take this job” because no one knows if it’s good or not. But you know the reason for my thinking, for my panicking.

     

    #421907
    Caroline
    Participant

    I know no one will make this decision for me*

    #421908
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Caroline: I will be able to reply to you Fri morning, in about eight hours from now/

    anita

    #421909
    anita
    Participant

    It just occurred to me (as I went back to bed, thinking that-  if it is night time where you are at you may not be relaxed enough to sleep) that it doesn’t have to be that complicated: if there are jobs available to you in your preferred hours of the day,  then refuse this job and go for a job in your preferred hours. (I will be back to the computer in about eight hours).

    anita

    #421910
    Caroline
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    It’s not that simple I am afraid.. If it was  I would do it long time ago. I searched for a job but did not find anything good for me and also..I am a bit scared of leaving the company.. starting new again. It’s too risky for me right now, I do not have family support at least financially.

    #421917
    Caroline
    Participant

    I keep thinking about it..how to make a decision? How do I that THIS is what I want?

    How do I know whether the excitement or the panic is the right emotion here that I can trust?

    It very very hard for me, and it’s not the first time.

    Waiting for your reply Anita, thank you for your (simple and wise) input so far, I really appreciate it.

    Glad you are back on the forum!

    #421918
    Caroline
    Participant

    How do I know that THIS is what I want?* ( in second sentence)

    #421920
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Caroline:

    It’s not that simple“- since it is complicated, I will review your first 6- page thread (Is my friend abusing me?) from Sept 28- Dec 24, 2022, a thread where we communicated extensively (We ended the thread with wishing each other Merry Christmas).

    You shared almost a year ago about a friend/ co worker: “He has this habit of talking a lot and very long… He can talk for…  an hour or hour and a half… without taking any pause… He tells me everything… every detail… he again started talking about his bike, what repairs he did, exactly what, where, what day it happened, what he ate for breakfast that day, what he wore, that kind of details…  it’s too much, too long… It’s just overwhelming… he had anger issues when he was just being angry all the time and projected this on me… I was always very polite, listening patiently… Lately I got really tired with this and a bit angry…  I was tired of listening to this… I am working home office, he and only one coworker are in the office) I feel it is a trap that I fell into“-

    -Notice you used the word trap in context of your workplace back then. Fast forward a year, you shared about another trap, one you are currently afraid to fall into. This one is also in the context of work. I wrote to you only yesterday: “visualizing the job, you felt trapped, so,  you got scared and you catastrophized the envisioned job situation, seeing it as way worse than it would be… Is this what happened?” You answered: “yes.. I think so“.

    The co-worker a year ago talked way too much, projected his anger into you, and bullied you. Your Emotional Response was to feel overwhelmed and angry, but your Expressed Response was: “I was always very polite, listening patiently“. You didn’t assert yourself, didn’t initiate active solutions to the problem, but instead, you displayed Learned Helplessness.

    bing. com: “Learned helplessness is a psychological state of passivity and powerlessness. It occurs when someone repeatedly faces uncontrollable, stressful situations, then does not exercise control when it becomes available. A person assumes that nothing is possible.. to change or alter the situation.. People that struggle with learned helplessness tend to complain a lot, feeling overwhelmed and incapable”.

    Learned helplessness is a condition that often starts in childhood, as it did in my case: I was repeatedly abused by my mother, all my efforts to avoid and prevent it failed, so I concluded that there was nothing I can do when bad things happen. Fast forward, whenever I found myself in a problematic situation, I froze, didn’t feel capable of solving problems, catastrophized the situation, kept my growing stress inside for as long as I was able to endure it, felt like a trapped animal, getting more and more stressed and then, way too stressed to endure it any longer, I either exploded or I just RAN, left, was gone.

    Back to your first thread, you wrote back in Sept last year: “He usually intimidates and bullies me. I regret I put up with this all these months and did not stand up for myself and now it became a trap I need to get out of“- this is learned helplessness. I am surprised that I didn’t bring up the term in your first thread.

    On Sept 30, 2022, I wrote to you what applies to your current situation: ” I think that objectively, the situation is not as bad as you feel that it is. You can undo the trap and set yourself free if and when you stand up for yourself and create a new reality at work”- standing up for yourself, asserting yourself in real-life is an essential part of overcoming learned helplessness.

    Do you think that the term learned helplessness applies to your life experience?

    anita

    * I just checked for new activity on the forums and found your most recent two posts. Thank you for welcoming me back to the forums! I will wait for your reply to the above.

    #421930
    Caroline
    Participant

    Anita,

    Notice you used the word trap in context of your workplace back then. Fast forward a year, you shared about another trap, one you are currently afraid to fall into. This one is also in the context of work. I wrote to you only yesterday: “visualizing the job, you felt trapped,

    Yes, I do feel trapped a lot and it’s because I feel trapped, meaning a situation I got myself into or someone else got me into and it’s not up to me to resolve it. Only way is to feel frozen (like when he confronted me and accused me of not texting him etc – I didn’t stand up for myself) or to run (like I did – ended this relationship which was good but I did it without a fight, without asserting myself – except for something I told him at the end, the why I want this to end. But this was safe, I knew he would just accept it. I did not have the courage to say it while we were still “friends” in the middle of this argument).

    You didn’t assert yourself, didn’t initiate active solutions to the problem, but instead, you displayed Learned Helplessness.

    that’s correct.

    People that struggle with learned helplessness tend to complain a lot, feeling overwhelmed and incapable”.

    I think that applies to my life a lot. Maybe it the past it was more and now less and less with time but still.

    whenever I found myself in a problematic situation, I froze, didn’t feel capable of solving problems, catastrophized the situation, kept my growing stress inside for as long as I was able to endure it, felt like a trapped animal, getting more and more stressed and then, way too stressed to endure it any longer, I either exploded or I just RAN, left, was gone.

    it is similar with me.

    Do you think that the term learned helplessness applies to your life experience?

    Yes I think so. I am aware of this most of the times and try to change the situations more often, meaning confront people, speak up. I really do this a lot more than in the past. I used to put up with lots of toxic situations and relationships in high school and college. I used to have a friend who bullied me, used me for money, copied my clothes, was jealous of me and I fought of her attention. Now I see more such behaviors and wouldn’t allow it. But yes, I still find myself in such situations like with my ex-friend/coworker, who also used me as a shoulder to cry on and “an audience” to make speeches to. But this time I felt discomfort and could not put up with this, not for that long at least.

    But still it is problem for me when I am in uncomfortable situation and do not realize it until it gets really bad.

     

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