Dear Milda:

You are very welcome and thank you for your appreciation and grace. I am looking forward to discussing more with you.

anita

Dear Milda:

You are welcome!

“I am as scared, with fear and in danger as a little child…  I feel the same and I let those thoughts and emotions control me the exact same way that it did when I was a child- keeping mom’s company, cheering her up, comforting her and doing everything I can to fix the situation and how mom is feeling“-

-your healing will take removing your focus from how your mother is feeling to how you are feeling, and it will take lessening your fear (via emotion regulation skills).

Because as a child you needed to look up to an adult for safety, and the adult available to you was your mother.. she was your hope for safety. So, you focused on her, and you tried the best you could to fix her (and the situation) so that she can become the adult that you needed her to be. Focusing on her became a mental-emotional habit. This habit needs to change, but like any kind of habit, it is not easy to change.. but it is possible.

“Actually another problem there is that I have an older sister…  I decided not to talk with her and just delete her from my life as she was giving only negative emotions to me“- it was possible for you to delete your older sister from your life because while you were growing up, you didn’t look up to her as your hope for safety, or as a significant hope for safety. On the other hand, it will be very, very difficult, if not impossible, for you to delete your mother from your life because (to the child within you), she is still your primary hope for safety (this is why you still focus on her).

“But mother used to say to me, that I have to talk to sister, I have to fix this, I never understood why. I never understood why do I have to fix deep family problems“- because your mother (and father) didn’t feel capable of fixing deep family problems.. and didn’t.. and someone had to.

“because none of the parents were/are in adult role, they always step back and do nothing, waiting for me to fix family problems. I feel a huge guilt inside of me that I am not trying to fix anything, because living without my sister in my life is all good to me, I never miss her, but seeing that my mother is devastated because of that makes me want to comfort her and get back with my sister JUST BECAUSE OF HER, not because I WANT IT. This constant feeling that I have to  shape my life somehow in order for my mother to feel good is exhausting me”-

– it is exhausting to regularly FOCUS on someone else’s feelings and function instead of focusing on your own. Imagine you are on the driver seat of your car: You know your destination. You want to turn right=> you turn right. You want to turn left=> you turn left. You want to avoid a collision=> you avoid it. You want to park=> you park.

Now, imagine that you are on the passenger seat of your car and your mother is on the driver seat. She doesn’t know where she wants to go, so you try to help her figure it out: do you want to go shopping? Do you want to go to the doctor’s?, etc. Let’s say she says she wants to go shopping, but she doesn’t know where to shop, so you try to help her figure it out: do you want to shop for food? For clothes?, etc. She looks tired as she drives and you watch her anxiously: you are afraid that she’ll get into a collision with another car, so you try to warn her, maybe you hand her a bottle of cold water to keep her awake, or turn on the air conditioning to make her more alert…

It is all very exhausting, isn’t it, to have someone else in the driver seat of  your car. It’d be so much easier to take the driver’s seat of your own car/ your own life.

“I do not want to feel the guilt“- it will take you taking the driver seat of your car/ focusing primarily on your life while feeling guilty. (Practicing emotion regulation skills will help ease up the guilt a bit).

“I try to understand that family problems are not for me to fix, and because I was doing that for so long from a very young age (comforting everyone in the family), my parents got used to that and they are always waiting for me to care for them and help them”-

– you got used to trying to fix family problems and comfort everyone in the family, a habit still fueled by guilt, a long-term habit, from a very young age… a habit that will be difficult to change.

“I feel so sad for that, always scared when I see my mother calling me“- there is an association, in your brain, between your mother calling you and fear.

“(I) just want to be in peace. But I do not feel the peace as I never felt it in my childhood. What are your thoughts on that?”- all your efforts as a child to bring peace to yourself failed (understandably, as it was mission impossible).

“What is the deeper work you think I should do on myself?”- start with committing to no longer do what has proven- long term- to fail.

“I see myself as a highly sensitive, emphatic person, being in a reverse role in my family and it is draining me completely. Is there an way of changing this role reverse?”-

– it will be easier to change it in the context of your parents if you no longer had contact with your then because they are still fueling your old, long-term habit of trying (and failing) to fix their problems. But of course, Guilt (with a capital G) is in the way.

“Do I have a chance of living my life as a child and not as parents’ (more mother’s) emotional support?”- when you say “living your life as a child”, you mean while having contact and interacting with your mother? Can you elaborate on this question?

anita

Dear DC:

You are welcome and I hope that you have a good week ahead!

Before I answered your original post in your current thread five days ago, I noticed that we communicated in the 4 pages (Aug 31- Nov 13, 2021) of your first thread Letting go of injustice, but I didn’t re-read it until this morning. I will be doing so this morning.

In your first thread, you shared that you were a member of Strata Committee (SC) which made decisions for the 45 owners who lived in a block of townhouses where you were one of the tenants, and the Treasurer of the SC “has been paying for certain repairs for his own unit without the permission of the SC”.

“I am often the ‘unwelcome’ voice which calls out on such unethical behaviour. Most SC members would not call out such behaviour for fear of retribution… I find it hard to be involved and not blow the whistle on such unethical behaviour…I simply cannot ‘unsee’ things that I see…I continually go out of my way to see that perpetrators do not get away with misdeeds“, you wrote back then.

As I often ask members, I asked you too about your childhood, and you shared that your father died when you were five, and your mother had an affair with a married man who “tortured and abused.. physically and emotionally” you (and your siblings) until your late teens.

You shared this about your mother: “We were parented by a single mother, whom I came to realise is a narcissistic and toxic person. She has little capacity for empathy, is self centred, controlling, critical, etc. If you read about the traits of a narcissistic mother, she has all of them. To this day, each time I contact her (we don’t live in the same country), she would never ask about how I am doing but instead, focus on what she wants from me – in a very ungrateful and demanding way. It is very clear that it is all about her.  It is my culture to respect elders… I find myself wrestling with a dislike for her as a toxic person/parent, but a deep care for her because she is my mother“.

On Sept 2, 2021, I wrote to you: ” I want to jump straight into what I’ll call The Core Injustice: the biggest and earliest Injustice that you experienced… I know that it is in your culture to respect parents (and) elders. Thing is, culture does not make an exception for very abusive parents or elders. Without such exception, culture teaches to respect abuse…. What kind of justice is it when a woman is allowed to hurt her children badly for years.. and she get away with it, no one holding her accountable as she keeps abusing them into adulthood: no apologies, no regrets.. no guilt, no justice… Your mother used and still uses her position of power to abuse you and her other two adult children. It is society and culture that give her this position of power to keep for the duration of her life, turning the other way when she uses her position of power against her children…  It is society and culture that instill in children this Guilt, a terrible pain of being a bad-boy (or a bad-girl) if you act to correct the injustice of parental abuse…  saying: well, look at your mother.. she is elderly now, harmless.. about to die.. don’t upset her now, take the non-physical abuse (as she is too weak being elderly.. to hit you herself or to have an affair with a man who will) for just a little bit longer.. okay? Good boy!”.

Your response on the same day: “Your insights have enabled me to again revisit my childhood, and realise that maybe my preoccupation with justice, albeit a little trivial,  stems from what happened during my childhood – and to put in your words, perhaps my attempt to right the ‘core injustice’ that happened to me and my siblings all those years ago. Perhaps within me is an anger – a burning flame – that has never been extinguished“, and you asked: “to heal and move forward, would the way be to accept that all of us are flawed (including my mother), and then let go?“.

I answered: “True: all of us are flawed.. but some people go out of their way to be repeatedly abusive, month after month, year after year, no regrets, no efforts to correct. There needs to be a distinction between being flawed and being abusive. To heal and move forward, do let go after you no longer avail yourself to your mother’s abuse… Many adult children of abusive parents, wanting to heal, insist (because of Guilt) on keeping contact with the abusive parents, figuring they can find a way to not be affected by the ongoing abuse.. it doesn’t work”.

In your reply, you agreed with what I said but added: “I find it next to impossible to go no-contact with my mum. Sorry to disappoint. Instead, I think that I will write her messages to show that I still love her. She needs the assurances as she is now frail and elderly – and has health issues… Perhaps she does love me in her own selfish way. Or perhaps I really want to believe that. While there are tiny moments of love or kindness towards me, they are largely swamped by her abuse…. She is like that, perhaps because of her own childhood and biology. I don’t know that it is her fault“.

In your next post, you wrote: “You have this gift of clarity and getting to the guts of things.  I really like that! (I copied and pasted this just now because it makes me feel good to read it). It is true that she could abuse us when we were kids as no one held her accountable. We were little and utterly vulnerable. No way to defend ourselves. Therefore easy for her to exploit within the walls of our house. Cane marks were hidden and I used to go to school with Elastoplast in several parts of my arms to hide those bruises. She hit us to vent her anger – not to help us be better humans. Perhaps she did not understand how else to release her own frustration“.

On Sept 5, you asked me: “Why do you do this Anita? Why do you go into these forums and put in so much effort, time to help people like me? You are also unrelenting and unwavering in your support. Most people would give up.  I am curious as there are very few gracious people like you on this planet” (Again, makes me feel good to read this).

My answer the next day: “Because to me, on the other side of my computer screen, I can almost see you: you are a real person, flesh and blood, thinking, feeling.. just like me. I know how you feel when you feel hope or sadness..  pain. You are just like me, so when I am helping you- I am helping myself, no difference. In yet other words: you are important, there is no person in the world who is more important than you. You matter, your experience of life matters no less than mine. You are therefore worthy of my effort and time”

On Nov 13, you posted an update on the issue you presented in your original post 2.5 months earlier: “Managed to deal with the committee issue and exposed the dishonest behaviour within it at a general meeting of all owners. As a consequence, the treasurer resigned, which is an excellent outcome.  I have decided to relocate as it is not worth my while to be engaged in such toxicity.  I am sure that this is merely a short-term reprieve and there will be further undesirable incidents later down the track“.

And as you predicted back then, there is currently a “further undesirable incident” about which you posted 5 days ago in your second thread (the current).

My input today: (1) It is interesting that on both threads, I assumed that you are a man, and sometime along each thread, I was surprised to find out that you are a woman. I think that two of the reasons I did not even consider that you are a woman are that a– I assumed (wrongly) that your courage to fight-and-right-wrongs indicated that you are a man, a gender stereotype that I need to correct, and b–  because you were so kind and gracious to me in both threads, I assumed that you were a man.. Because of my personal experience, I learned to expect aggression from the female gender.

(2) Injustice in the world is massive in magnitude, mind boggling.. almost unbelievable in extent, the extremes of it. Abuse of children and of adults is about the Abuse Of Power: political leaders/ people in the position of financial power abuse the power they have over millions and billions of people.., and parents in countless homes abuse the power they have over their children, and society/ culture at large.. allows it.

If you’d like, we can talk more about any or all of this…?

anita

Dear DC:

In your original post you wrote that you checked with the regulator and verified that indeed it is against the law for her to do what she did. In your 2nd post, you wrote: “It’s also against the law to just go into someone else’s property and then proceed to fix whatever you think is wrong with it… She has done that because she feels protected by ‘the family’.  She would not have done that to a family member“.

In your original post you asked: “I can always file a formal complaint against Bella and the regulator will investigate. This will be a mark against her. Question is this – should I? If I did that, I would put her offside even more. However if I did not do that, she may carry on bullying.  I would therefore appreciate any advice“-

– Based on my limited understanding, what I’d do if I was in your shoes, would be three things: (1) Do not pay the unlawful bill she presented to you, (2) File a formal complaint against her, (3) Move out…

Unless she apologizes, offers to take care of the bill herself, and corrects any and all unlawful practices against you.

anita

Dear Saje:

“Why did I speak up? Because I am important“- Yes, you are! You are important, and I am glad you spoke up!

“I made the decision to put myself first. To remind myself that I am important as much as anyone else. I deserve to be seen, to be heard and to be celebrated“- beautifully articulated!

“I spoke to my sister about it. She said I was asking too much“- I disagree with your sister.

“I am a middle child and without a doubt I have the middle child syndrome. Growing up I never received the attention, care and love that I wanted. Everything felt so conditional“- it may be that your sister and perhaps your other sibling.. and maybe parents, all got used to not giving you the attention that you need, sort of in that habit…?

(We communicated for a short while back in July 2021 in your first thread, by the way).

anita

Dear Stacy:

“Considering how much we talked about wanting to have our own spaces. We even joked about getting excited over buying our own dish cloths someday”- you talked and joked but didn’t do anything, ex., you didn’t buy dish cloths.

“I’ve been crying so much again over him lately”- crying over a lot of talking that felt good. I am mentioning the difference between talk and action in the hope that it will hurt you less if you see that what you lost was.. talk and how good that talk felt. But practically, your life post breakup is the same as it was pre-breakup.

“I think I am going to just have to accept that the pain is here to stay until further notice. That’s all I can do, just let myself hurt without making myself feel bad about it, no matter what anyone else has to say about my process“- excellent resolution! Accepting hurt (and other feelings) instead of feeling badly about.. feeling them, lessens the hurt. You should not have others’ judgment about your hurt be added to your pain.

Above and in earlier posts, I repeated the Talk vs Action Factor, hoping that it will lessen your hurt, but I didn’t yet succeed, and that’s okay. Instead of repeating this factor again, I let it go, and I accept that you feel the hurt you feel for your reasons, and that you are entitled to hurt about the breakup for as long as you do and at the intensity that you do.

“I just hope something eventually clicks for me and the pain will lessen someday“- I copied, pasted and read this part after writing the above (this is how I answer posts, copying, pasting, reading & replying before I copy, paste, etc., the next part). So, when you wrote in this part that you hope “something eventually clicks“, I thought about me repeating the factor above, which did not click, and that’s okay.

“Letting myself just imagine not crying over him and hurting so much constantly would be a win for me. And like you said, proving to myself that my life has value to keep going“- I hope that this happens for you… but (in accordance with the Acceptance Factor (accepting feelings as they are), I will not pressure you in any way to feel any differently than you do and for as long as you do.

“I got a car update today. The repair bill stands at $700 so far… Also, a few months ago I noticed a small pea-sized like ‘ball’ in the right side of my neck… now it’s at least twice that size as I just noticed it again today at work…. and have an appointment scheduled for December – the earliest they could see me. My consultation alone is going to be $220. It’s impossible to save money like this“-

– the cost of health care in the US, for way too many people, including myself, is horrendous, and there is shortage of medical staff, the reason for late scheduling. I hope that you keep your stress level as low as possible and that you are physically okay.

anita

Dear Seaturtle: I will read and reply by Friday.

anita

Dear DC:

“This building manager, call her Bella, asked for her contractor to go up to my unit because of a leak to a family unit below. I allowed her contractor to my unit and did not think more than that. Three weeks later, Bella give me a bill for $2,500 and said that I urgently need to pay the bill. No forewarning, nothing. I checked with the regulator and it is against the law for her to interfere with my private property, without my consent”-

– If there was a leak from your unit to an apartment below, I suppose the leak should have been fixed. Is the bullying you are referring to about (1) the contractor entering your apartment so to fix the leak, or (2) Bella presenting you with the bill?

anita