Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
anitaParticipantDear Stacy:
Good to read back from you! Lately, you’ve been driving your car, working 6-7 days a week so to pay for the $800 car repair bill (and the expected medical appointment bill next month). Your eating problem has been flaring up badly, making you anxious. You are still in no-contact with the guy but you follow his social media activity and read about his attachment style. The breakup is still painful and getting even more painful, and your stress level is high.
In regard to “(I) agree with what you said about no man/person being able to help me“- what I said was that no man “could have possibly given me what I needed… There was simply TOO MUCH that I was missing: a sense of self-esteem”, etc. People could have helped me, but they couldn’t have given me what I needed.
“I was determined to finally speak EVERY SINGLE feeling and concern … All this breakup has shown me was that speaking my needs gets me dumped… I am too much“- you need more than any man can give you, but you believe that he was able, if he chose to, to give you what you need, and that he is still able to. This is why you told him your every feeling and concern, similar to telling a doctor one’s every medical symptom because one believes that the doctor is able to treat the symptoms successfully.
And this is why, post breakup, you still follow him on social media, and why you’ve been reading about his attachment style, trying to understand him better, so to .. somehow bring him back to your life and give you what you need.
“Itās really hard to be hopeful that one day I will conquer any pent up trauma stored in my body if I just keep re-doing this daily. Kind of like what we talked about a month or two ago..Ā how the body can only handle so many cortisol spikes….my pain and grief about this has only been increasing with time.. ” I think itās really admirable that you have finally gotten to a place where you have that balance now and feel safe with yourself and choices…Ā I think itās really admirable that you have finally gotten to a place where you have that balance now and feel safe with yourself and choices”-
– It’s not that I feel safe, it’s that I feel more courage than I ever did before. I want to paste here a poem about fear and courage that I found online recently:
“Fear creeps in like a thief in the night,
Stealing our courage and giving us fright,
But we must not let it take control,
For in our hearts lies a power so bold.It whispers in our ear, trying to deceive,
Telling us we are weak, that we canāt achieve,
But we must not listen to its lies,
For within us, a fire burns bright.We must stand tall and face the fear,
With a courage that is so rare,
For when we defy it, we grow stronger,
And our fears become a thing no longer.We must take a step forward, then two,
And walk towards the unknown,
For the journey ahead may be tough,
But with determination, weāve got enough.We must break free from fearās grip,
And not let it hold us down with its whip,
For we are brave, we are strong,
And we have the power to carry on.We must embrace the challenges ahead,
And not let fear fill us with dread,
For when we overcome it, weāll be proud,
And our courage will shout out loud.So let us all rise above the fear,
And show the world what we hold dear,
For we are not defined by what we fear,
But by the bravery that we hold near.So let us all stand tall, with grace,
And let our courage light up the place,
For we have the power to defy the fear,
And show the world that we are here”.Stacy, (using the words in the poem): may you discover the bold power in your heart; may you stand tall with courage so rare and light up the place; may you grow stronger, take a step forward, then two, and rise above, with determination. You have enough.
Show the world that you are here.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Tim:
You are very welcome.
“how does one go about guarding your heart in such a situation? I have this guarded optimism that Iām trying to hold in check… I vacillate between the two and itās hard to get to that middle ground”-
– the answer is in the poem I quoted above: “in our heart lies power so bold… We must stand tall and face the fear, with a courage… We must break free from fear’s grip, and not let it hold us down with its whip… So let us all rise above the fear and show the world what we hold dear… So let us all stand tall“-
– back to your question: “how does one go about guarding your heart in such a situation?”- by adopting a new attitude: not that of guarding your heart, but the opposite. The guarding of the heart in itself is keeping the fear in it. Do this exercise, if you will: stand up hunched over, with the shoulders turned inward as in guarding your heart. This is the position that maintains fear, keeping the fear in the heart. Next, stand tall with your shoulders straight (not at all rounded), your head held high, this is the position of power, of allowing the fear to exit your heart.
It is the sense of power, of standing up to fear, that defeats fear.
Youn can do one or more of the chest opener exercises. A simple one is standing straight with both your arms stretched to the sides, parallel to the ground, in a way that opens your chest/ heart, pushing your chest forward. Hold this position for a moment or two, feeling it, feeling the power in exposing your heart (vs hiding/ guarding it).
Back to part of your question: “I have this guarded optimism that Iām trying to hold in check… I vacillate between the two and itās hard to get to that middle ground“- don’t guard your optimism, don’t hold it in check, don’t vacillate, don’t seek the middle ground. Instead: commit to the physical and mental position of power. But there is a catch: your power is NOT about what your wife will do, what she will choose to do. Your power is about you standing tall no matter what she chooses.
Your power needs to not depend on her.
anita
November 13, 2023 at 7:58 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #424977anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
I read your wish that I sleep well last (Sun) night and although I was too awake for some of the night, eventually I slept well. Thank you! I am impressed that you found the time to reply yesterday, being that you were busy with obligations in regard to the Shakespearean play you are part of. Plus, I don’t expect you to reply on weekends.
“(F) offers to pay for Nās ticket to come on family trips and he even lets us have our own room and space. It seems like he encourages the relationship“- he is encouraging and supporting the relationship big time.
“I fearĀ making decisions out of what my dad wants, because it got me nowhere for so long and prevented me from actually discovering what I wanted and who I was. So when my dad supports the decision I think It makes me wonder why I want it, is it because I am still being controlled. by him? Or do I trust my own pull towards N“-
– you don’t know then if your pull towards N is about your need to please F (being controlled by this need) OR it is a pull that is free from this need.
“We spent Saturday together this week and I actually spoke with him about this caged girl, I told him what the cage’s requirements were and how it held me from being truly feminine and curvy, and sensitive…. he followed it by saying ‘Do what you need to do baby, I trust your feelings‘”- no evidence yet that he prefers the girl in the box.
“After finally getting a whole day alone yesterday I feel more supported by him… I think he does encourage me to leave that cage, but I think I am very afraid of coming out of the cage and not being accepted by himā¦ Just as the uncaged girl was not accepted by F and put into the cage by him. It is like hatchling is coming out, and afraid another man will throw her back in. If I get the slightest sense of N doing this, a whole alarm system goes on in my nervous system”-
– make a commitment to hatchling that you will be there for her every step of the way as she leaves the box, tell her that you will not put her back in the cage no matter what N or anyone does.
” do I trust my own pull towards N“?- hatchling needs to trust Seaturtle. This is why it is necessary that you make hatchling a PROMISE: to take her hand and walk her through leaving the box and moving away from the box step by step, staying away from it forevermore, no matter what anyone says or does.
anita
November 12, 2023 at 8:09 am in reply to: Recently broke up with my boyfriend, feeling guilty and sad #424965anitaParticipantDear Mercury:
(I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes): “He is the most loving person Iāve ever met. He loves me so much and I know that for a fact so when I finally met with him after 12 days of asking for a break and telling him I need more time… he started telling me how much he loves, how I was his only source of hope, and why he was looking forward for the future, how he wanted to marry me, how we could never love anyone else, how heād imagined weād last forever, how all heās been doing was to have a good life with me, and when he said all this over and over fighting off tearsā¦. I felt wretched! I felt so dirty and so cruel and heartless….I wanted to die“-
-Love doesn’t cause the supposed loved-one (you) to feel wretched, dirty, cruel, heartless and wanting to die. Guilt-tripping does that, not love.
Here is how a loving reaction would have sounded like, coming from him, 12 days after you asked for a break and telling him that you need more time (him saying something like this): I understand that you’ve been unhappy with me for a long time, and that it took courage on your part to ask for a break. Thank you for doing the right thing for yourself, asking for this break and for more time. I am sad to be away from you, but I will be okay. It is my job to be okay, and it is your job is to make yourself okay. If a longer break or even a breakup is what it takes for you to be okay, then that’s what it takes.
“I told my father today about it after my mom insisted about asking my fatherās advice and he immediately told me to pray and repent for ruining this manās life for dragging him into this and not seeing this to the end… He asked how Iām any different from any heathen girl. What are my reasons for wanting to leave him?”-
– this is guilt tripping coming from your father. What a shame! As far as your reasons for wanting to leave the guy: you have the right, legal and otherwise, to leave a boyfriend (with whom you have no children and no marriage) for whatever reason.
“I fear God will punish me for breaking his heart”- no wonder you fear God will punish you after your (ex?) boyfriend and your father inflicted the Guilt Tripping Punishment (GTP) on you.
“and Iām entertaining the idea of staying in the relationship anyway… I donāt know what to do“- don’t give in and volunteer to suffer further from the GTP that was unfairly and unkindly inflicted on you. It is not a sin to end a relationship with a man you are NOT married with: nowhere in the bible does it state that it’s a sin.. does it?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Nick:
You are welcome.Ā “I get emotional but I have no reason to be crass or vulgar” I like the way you put it. I wish lots of people would NOT get crass or vulgar when they get emotional. Unfortunately, too often, the two go together.
“She has played the victim a lot.Ā So itās probably an easy part to play“- People who play victim find it easy to victimize someone else, and they feel morally justified in doing so.
“It’s nice to have someone elseās perspective“- anytime you want my perspective, you are welcome to it!
anita
November 11, 2023 at 11:40 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #424954anitaParticipantOne more thing, Seaturtle: I forgot to comment on “āfinding out that your expectations were indeed too high and regretting leaving the relationship.’“- leaving the box is not an unreasonable desire or expectation. It is not a too high of an expectation to be free.
To be free or not, should be the question, I say.
anita
November 11, 2023 at 11:31 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #424953anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
“When you used the child with her mother at work…Ā hatchling is the one who gets bored of my job and has me desiring new routines?”- yes.
Hatchling= all your automatic thoughts and emotional reactions in the present that started and took hold in childhood.
Seaturtle= thoughts and emotional reactions/ emotional experiences that did not take hold in childhood. This includes what you learned from books and online, including what you are learning here, in your thread, and including becoming aware of hatchling and how she operates within you as an observer, observing her from some distance.
“I definitely felt boxed in, but I think what was even more frustrating and quite paralyzing was not understanding why I felt that way“- understanding the why is Seaturtle’s job. It requires observing hatchling from some (mental) distance and figure out her why/ what motivates her, what causes her to feel and behave this or that way.
“Wanting to run out of my own body and just escape this box I didnāt know how got there or how to get away from. I wanted to please my dad and fit in that box for him“- a child will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to please the parent.
“My grandma on my dad’s side also, I remember in 8th grade I posted my first Instagram post and I had cleavage in it, my grandma freaked out called my parents and that night my whole account was deleted“- The Cleavage Scare=>Ā Delete the Cleavage… Interesting.
“What is interesting to me is I need to simultaneously release hatchling from this cage, but at the same time she is also driving the ship“- a real-life child throwing a temper tantrum in the supermarket, insisting that her mother buys her ice-cream right there and then, is driving the ship only if her mother rushes to buy her the ice cream so to quiet her down.
The real-life child throwing a temper tantrum in the supermarket probably needs help in a different context: she probably needs positive attention at home.
“It feels like hatchling is uncaged because she makes herself very known“- as does a child throwing a temper tantrum… only she doesn’t make herself known in the right context (home) where she remains unknown.
“It feels like hatchling is uncaged because she makes herself very known when N does something that resembles our father’s past behaviors“- Like the child throwing a temper tantrum in the supermarket, hatchling needs your positive attention at home, home with you, Seaturtle, outside the context of your relationship with N.
Hatchling did all she could to please her father because her father was her first priority. Hatchling needs to be your first priority, a higher priority to you now than your father is r ever was.
“You spoke a lot about being caged in a box, a ‘non-feminine, non-sexual/ tom boy box’ and this really resonates with me. I think a part of me fears I was still in this box when N and I met two years ago, and now when I come out of my box he doesnāt understand me anymore, although this could just be projecting F into, but whether this is true or a projection I really donāt know”-
– it is possible that it is correct understanding on your part, and I never thought of it myself until just now reading this. It may be that N is discouraging you from making the changes that are healthy for you to make. People do resist changes in themselves and in others…
“I worry that N met me in my box, and fell in love with her…. I feel like he loves the boxed version of me…Ā N and I are very much friends and that is all my dad has ever wanted is for me to be with someone who is a buddy, not a romantic partner, which would make him uncomfortable. I wonder if N is a decision made by the boxed girlā¦”- the boxed-in girl who still wants to please her father.. the boxed girl whose first priority is her father.
(I am responding to your posts my usual way, reading and responding to one part before reading the next).
S, N.. is F’s choice for you…???
“sometimes I feel like N is the relationship I grow a lot in and with, but that somehow it doesnāt work out, but then is that just because of my projecting F into N and I will regretfully manifest this relationships end? You spoke before about the self fulfilling prophecy”- I didn’t consider until THIS very post that N may prefer the girl in the box, that maybe he has been discouraging (???) the girl in the box from coming out and that your choice of N is.. your father’s choice.
Coming to think about it, you did say that your father is doing financially very well at his work and that N has .. you called it something like a millionaire attitudeĀ (like your father). Similar values and priorities.
“I feel like he could just as easily fall in love with M as he did me“- for M, being a tomboy may very well be who she genuinely is, it’s her.. out of the box version, while the same is your in the box (not genuine) version. I suppose that you think that a genuine tomboy version can easily win over a non-genuine tomboy version?
“he calls love a choice and rationally like I get it but it also is not what I want to hear, he could just choose to love anyone? I donāt want to just be anyone and I feel like that with him and it makes me feel undervalued, not special, and not loved for who I AM.“-
– hatchling needs to get out of the box, to leave her father’s expectations of who or what she should be. She needs to stop trying to please her father.. to stop the habit (an automatic habit by now) of trying to please him. Hatchling wants to be someone, someone who is valued and special, and that someone is who she gets to be and become outside the box.
“‘… leave the relationship. Being conflicted about it for so long, and for close to half of the relationship is reason enough to leave it”-Ā This response makes me feel free. But it also makes me sad and makes me wonder if I incorrectly portrayed N in order to get this freeing answer… My mom and sisters all think he is a great match, even my friends donāt understand me when I tell them I am not sure and certainly have doubts. Even my boss! N has done favors for the art gallery I work in and my boss thinks N is the most ideal man, tells me all the time how lucky we were to find each other… The thought of ending it with N scares me, and I hope the freeing sensation isnāt a lie. What if that freeing sensation I imagine feeling, doesnāt happen and instead it is just that, ‘finding out that your expectations were indeed too high and regretting leaving the relationship.'”-
-I too thought that N was, as I wrote to you before, close to perfect (while no one is perfect). Like your mother, sisters, friends (and your father), I too supported the relationship because you described so many glowingly positive things about N. But now I understand more than I did before in the 8-pages of your thread.. Wow! I didn’t understand before that some of your understanding of N is not an incorrect understanding based on a projection of F into N, but may very well be a correct understanding of who he truly is.. which is someone who prefers your boxed-in version and in so doing.. he (unknowingly) is doing your father’s bidding, which is to keep you in the box.
To check my understanding, I ask: can you give me examples of N’s words and behaviors that indicate that he supports your in-the-box version and discourages your out-of-the-box version? For the examples to help me, they have to include a description of the objective circumstances, what words were said, and what actions took place (ex., in a restaurant, the waiter said XYZ, N said ABC, then N got up and left the restaurant, etc.), and not include what you thought or felt, how you perceived or interpreted the situation.
anita
anitaParticipantI’ll resubmit, trying to fix the formatting (it may not work):
Dear Tim:
You are welcome.
“Iām still afraid of..”- here is a poem I found online. I like it. Maybe you will too. it’s called Defying the Fear:
“Fear creeps in like a thief in the night,
Stealing our courage and giving us fright,
But we must not let it take control,
For in our hearts lies a power so bold.It whispers in our ear, trying to deceive,
Telling us we are weak, that we canāt achieve,
But we must not listen to its lies,
For within us, a fire burns bright.We must stand tall and face the fear,
With a courage that is so rare,
For when we defy it, we grow stronger,
And our fears become a thing no longer.We must take a step forward, then two,
And walk towards the unknown,
For the journey ahead may be tough,
But with determination, weāve got enough.
<p data-slot-rendered-content=”true”>We must break free from fearās grip,
And not let it hold us down with its whip,
For we are brave, we are strong,
And we have the power to carry on.</p>
We must embrace the challenges ahead,
And not let fear fill us with dread,
For when we overcome it, weāll be proud,
And our courage will shout out loud.So let us all rise above the fear,
And show the world what we hold dear,
For we are not defined by what we fear,
But by the bravery that we hold near.So let us all stand tall, with grace,
And let our courage light up the place,
For we have the power to defy the fear,
And show the world that we are here.”anitaParticipantDear Tim:
You are welcome.
“Iām still afraid of..”- here is a poem I found online. I like it. Maybe you will too. it’s called Defying the Fear:
“Fear creeps in like a thief in the night,
Stealing our courage and giving us fright,
But we must not let it take control,
For in our hearts lies a power so bold.It whispers in our ear, trying to deceive,
Telling us we are weak, that we canāt achieve,
But we must not listen to its lies,
For within us, a fire burns bright.We must stand tall and face the fear,
With a courage that is so rare,
For when we defy it, we grow stronger,
And our fears become a thing no longer.We must take a step forward, then two,
And walk towards the unknown,
For the journey ahead may be tough,
But with determination, weāve got enough.
<p data-slot-rendered-content=”true”>We must break free from fearās grip,
And not let it hold us down with its whip,
For we are brave, we are strong,
And we have the power to carry on.</p>
We must embrace the challenges ahead,
And not let fear fill us with dread,
For when we overcome it, weāll be proud,
And our courage will shout out loud.So let us all rise above the fear,
And show the world what we hold dear,
For we are not defined by what we fear,
But by the bravery that we hold near.So let us all stand tall, with grace,
And let our courage light up the place,
For we have the power to defy the fear,
And show the world that we are here.”anitaParticipantI will try to fix the format by re-submitting:
Dear Nick:
You are very welcome.
And thank you (!!!) for your military service! Yesterday, the day you started your thread, was the Marine Corp Birthday (248), and today, as I reply to you, is Veteran Day 11-11-2023. First year it was celebrated was 1951 (I just checked).
Now, to what you shared yesterday moreĀ in great detailĀ (I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes below):
āWell me and my girlfriend hadĀ a great dynamicĀ in our 6 month relationshipā- except for the dynamic where you were repeatedly more of a Suspect than a Boyfriend, according to her behavior; a dynamic where she asserted a (non-existing) moral superiority over you.. and you accepted it.
āSheĀ went through my phone. Saw I had not deleted some dating sites from likeĀ years ago. She compared me to her exās and saidĀ she never had issues with themĀ deleting there dating stuff as soon as we were official.Ā I apologized and I thought I took care of it. Butā-
āĀ she was in charge, the one in control.. the moral police, so to speak. She says itās morally wrong to have any dating sites recordĀ of years agoĀ on your phone, once you are in a committed relationship and.. so it is; no one ever gave her any issues in regard to this rule.. and neither should you (is her message). You accepted her non-existing moral superiority and apologized.
But wait.. is it moral for her to go through your phone.. is this moral behavior?
āA few months after the first timeĀ she went through my stuffĀ she found some other sites.Ā Again I apologizedā- the moral police in repeat operation, asserting yet again her alleged moral superiority over you and you, again, submitting by apologizing. The dynamic: she accuses, you apologize.
āThe third timeĀ she found some stuffĀ in my social on my Gmail.Ā I had no idea about that folder but she didnāt believe me. She also made a point to go through my browser history and there were some things she didnāt like there. So that is what ended our relationshipā- she found some stuff becauseĀ she looked forĀ some stuff against the alleged Suspect.
But why were you in the position of Suspect.. and why is it that you did not have the password to her accounts, looking for any years-ago dating site activity on her partā¦?
āWe were talking like on and off again for a few weeks.Ā She did theĀ unfriendĀ me on Facebook and snap chat andĀ refriendĀ me thenĀ unfriendĀ meā- not what a friend would doā¦
āOur last conversation was a week prior to the last few things I sent. I had been doing a lot of thinking for weeks over the whole phone stuff. Had a bad day at workā¦ I sent like three text on the same day. This was one of them. āWell, if we never talk or see each other again. You take care. I will remember the past 6 months for a while. Waking up in bed next to you. The smile on your faceā¦. But most of all I will remember being betrayed by my best friend and lover over stuff I had subscribed to over the course of being in the military for 15 years. Being back in Wisconsin and not dating anyone for 8 years.Ā I gave you my all, and apparently, that was not enoughā- you gave her all your love but she wanted to punish you for sins you did not commit. There is nothing abusive about this part of your text quoted here.
āI also sent her a text thanking her for blocking me so I donāt have to seeĀ what loser she dates nextā- not abusive either on your part: you really were the loser in the relationship with her and she is very likely to do the same to the next guy she dates.
āAs well asĀ the Jelly roll song āSomebody Save Meā and said that was for herā¦ and added.Ā That song suits youāĀ -I looked it up the lyrics to the song:
āOne, two, three- Somebody save me, me from myself- Iāve spent so long living in Hell- They say my lifestyle is bad for my health- Itās the only thing that seems to help- All of this drinkinā and smokinā is hopeless- But feel like itās all that I need Somethinā inside of meās broken- I hold on to anything that sets me free- Iām a lost cause- Baby, donāt waste your time on me
Iām so damaged beyond repair- Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams-ā¦ What if the night sky was missinā the moon?-
There were no shootinā stars to use wishinā on you- And all of my sorrows, Iād just wash them down- Itās the only peace, Iāve ever found- ā¦Iām so damaged beyond repair- Life has shattered my hopes and my dreamsā--Sad and so true for many millions of people all over the world. We are all damaged and broken to one extent or another, some more than others. The damage starts in childhood and it often escalates from there. My personal responsibility as a damaged, broken person is toĀ notĀ pass on the damage: to not damage and break other people just because I am. The sky not having had shooting stars for me, does not give me the.. moral right to extinguish other peopleās shooting stars. There are enough people out there extinguishing lights.I am sure that you experienced troubles in life before you met her, and when you started a relationship with her.. she was your hopes and dreams, your shooting stars. What did she do? She extinguished the light in your sky by making you a Suspect and punishing you for what you were not guilty of. It is a far too common dynamic in relationships.āI unloaded on her andĀ I regretĀ doing that.Ā Ā With all my heart. Now I canāt even apologize I am blocked on all fronts.Ā And she probably will never speak to me again.Ā She also filed a formal hr complaint which I canāt blame herā-Ā I didnāt yet read of any abusive words or behaviors on your part. I assume there are offensive things you said or did that you didnāt share about, and thatās okay.
I hurt people who did not at all deserve it and I regret it. The guilt for hurting people who did nothing to me has been very heavy in me. Living with Guilt (in capital G, it started as an invalid guilt which my mother established inside me as a child, repeatedly accusing me of things I was NOT guilty of) has been, for me,Ā (using the songās lyrics) āliving in Hellā. I didnāt feel that I, a bad, Guilty person, deserved to pursue āmy hopes and my dreamsā. Eventually I figured out that we all live in a world that is so troubled and has been troubled for so long, that we are all broken and damaged, andĀ we all pass or have passed on the damageĀ to the next generation and to other people around us, in one way, be it in a relatively mild way or in severe ways.. not all forgivable. I figured that my wrong doings are not in the category of unforgivable, not if I do all that I can in the present and for the rest of my life to do right by other people.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Nick:
You are very welcome.
And thank you (!!!) for your military service! Yesterday, the day you started your thread, was the Marine Corp Birthday (248), and today, as I reply to you, is Veteran Day 11-11-2023. First year it was celebrated was 1951 (I just checked).
Now, to what you shared yesterday more in great detail (I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes below):
“Well me and my girlfriend had a great dynamic in our 6 month relationship”- except for the dynamic where you were repeatedly more of a Suspect than a Boyfriend, according to her behavior; a dynamic where she asserted a (non-existing) moral superiority over you.. and you accepted it.
“She went through my phone. Saw I had not deleted some dating sites from like years ago. She compared me to her exās and said she never had issues with them deleting there dating stuff as soon as we were official. I apologized and I thought I took care of it. But“-
–Ā she was in charge, the one in control.. the moral police, so to speak. She says it’s morally wrong to have any dating sites record of years ago on your phone, once you are in a committed relationship and.. so it is; no one ever gave her any issues in regard to this rule.. and neither should you (is her message). You accepted her non-existing moral superiority and apologized.
But wait.. is it moral for her to go through your phone.. is this moral behavior?
“A few months after the first time she went through my stuff she found some other sites. Again I apologized“- the moral police in repeat operation, asserting yet again her alleged moral superiority over you and you, again, submitting by apologizing. The dynamic: she accuses, you apologize.
“The third time she found some stuff in my social on my Gmail.Ā I had no idea about that folder but she didnāt believe me. She also made a point to go through my browser history and there were some things she didnāt like there. So that is what ended our relationship”- she found some stuff because she looked for some stuff against the alleged Suspect.
But why were you in the position of Suspect.. and why is it that you did not have the password to her accounts, looking for any years-ago dating site activity on her part…?
“We were talking like on and off again for a few weeks.Ā She did the unfriend me on Facebook and snap chat and refriend me then unfriend me”- not what a friend would do…
“Our last conversation was a week prior to the last few things I sent. I had been doing a lot of thinking for weeks over the whole phone stuff. Had a bad day at work… I sent like three text on the same day. This was one of them. ‘Well, if we never talk or see each other again. You take care. I will remember the past 6 months for a while. Waking up in bed next to you. The smile on your face…. But most of all I will remember being betrayed by my best friend and lover over stuff I had subscribed to over the course of being in the military for 15 years. Being back in Wisconsin and not dating anyone for 8 years. I gave you my all, and apparently, that was not enough“- you gave her all your love but she wanted to punish you for sins you did not commit. There is nothing abusive about this part of your text quoted here.
“I also sent her a text thanking her for blocking me so I donāt have to see what loser she dates next“- not abusive either on your part: you really were the loser in the relationship with her and she is very likely to do the same to the next guy she dates.
“As well as the Jelly roll song ‘Somebody Save Me‘ and said that was for her… and added.Ā That song suits you”Ā -I looked it up the lyrics to the song:
“One, two, three- Somebody save me, me from myself- I’ve spent so long living in Hell- They say my lifestyle is bad for my health- It’s the only thing that seems to help- All of this drinkin’ and smokin’ is hopeless- But feel like it’s all that I need Somethin’ inside of me’s broken- I hold on to anything that sets me free- I’m a lost cause- Baby, don’t waste your time on me
I’m so damaged beyond repair- Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams-… What if the night sky was missin’ the moon?-
There were no shootin’ stars to use wishin’ on you- And all of my sorrows, I’d just wash them down- It’s the only peace, I’ve ever found- …I’m so damaged beyond repair- Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams”--Sad and so true for many millions of people all over the world. We are all damaged and broken to one extent or another, some more than others. The damage starts in childhood and it often escalates from there. My personal responsibility as a damaged, broken person is to not pass on the damage: to not damage and break other people just because I am. The sky not having had shooting stars for me, does not give me the.. moral right to extinguish other people’s shooting stars. There are enough people out there extinguishing lights.I am sure that you experienced troubles in life before you met her, and when you started a relationship with her.. she was your hopes and dreams, your shooting stars. What did she do? She extinguished the light in your sky by making you a Suspect and punishing you for what you were not guilty of. It is a far too common dynamic in relationships.“I unloaded on her and I regret doing that.Ā With all my heart. Now I canāt even apologize I am blocked on all fronts.Ā And she probably will never speak to me again.Ā She also filed a formal hr complaint which I canāt blame her”-Ā I didn’t yet read of any abusive words or behaviors on your part. I assume there are offensive things you said or did that you didn’t share about, and that’s okay.
I hurt people who did not at all deserve it and I regret it. The guilt for hurting people who did nothing to me has been very heavy in me. Living with Guilt (in capital G, it started as an invalid guilt which my mother established inside me as a child, repeatedly accusing me of things I was NOT guilty of) has been, for me,Ā (using the song’s lyrics) “living in Hell“. I didn’t feel that I, a bad, Guilty person, deserved to pursue “my hopes and my dreams“. Eventually I figured out that we all live in a world that is so troubled and has been troubled for so long, that we are all broken and damaged, and we all pass or have passed on the damage to the next generation and to other people around us, in one way, be it in a relatively mild way or in severe ways.. not all forgivable. I figured that my wrong doings are not in the category of unforgivable, not if I do all that I can in the present and for the rest of my life to do right by other people.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Nick: I will read your second post and reply Sat morning.
anita
November 10, 2023 at 6:58 pm in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #424945anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle: I will read and reply Sat morning.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Tim:
Welcome back to your thread! You posted on this thread May 24- June 1 of this year. At the time, you (44) and your wife (40) broke up February 2023, agreeing to remain friends, but ended all contact soon after. Shortly before the breakup, your anxiety was elevated because of custody and financial issues in regard to your previous marriage, and she was dealing with some health issues and the start of menopause, and you believed these issues led to the breakup initiated by her.Ā
At the time of your breakdown you didnāt sleep for a week and lost 10 pounds in a few days. In march or April, broken hearted and weaning off meds, you sent her numerous text messages, voicemails, emails, reached out to friends and family so to get her back, and you believed that this behavior on your part scared and hurt her deeply.
Since the breakup (by May 2023), you lost 30 pounds, took on running, started volunteering, making new friends and exploring your spirituality, and all along you expressed your love for her, here on your thread, and you hoped for contact between you and her to resume. Fast forward five months and nine days to today, November 10, you posted this lovely update: the two of you individually came a long way in the 8-months of separation, contact has resumed and the two of you are friends, relationship to be re-evaluated in the spring of 2024.
In May 26, you wrote (I am adding the boldface feature): “I thought she was my soul mate (and I thought she felt the same way”. Today, you wrote: “She referred to me as her soul mate this week and we both still love each other”- Congratulations for getting back the soulmate reference!
“Iām a little anxious about the future but Iām just very glad she is back in my life. I need to find more ways to manage the anxiety“-
– I recommend Mark William’s series of mindfulness audio meditations. I think that they are available online, free of charge (at least a few are). They are excellent as ways to calm anxiety, if you listen to them regularly, every day. If you prefer other mindfulness audio or video meditations, there are plenty available online. I’ll be glad to talk with you further about ways to lessen anxiety of an every day basis.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Nick:
You shared that you served 15 years in the military. For about 8 years following your release from the military you went on only 2 dates, and then you met your now ex-girlfriend, had a 6-months relationship with her and just broke up.
You gave her the key to my place a couple weeks into the relationship. You gave her your phone password (I assume she asked for your password. I wonder what reason she gave you for asking, and why you gave it to her).
“She went through my phone… she went through my stuff… she found some stuff in my social on my Gmail…Ā She also made a point to go through my browser history“- my goodness, she acted like a detective looking for evidence against you, and she did it repeatedly throughout the relationship, from beginning to end.
“Saw I had not deleted some dating sites from like years ago… I apologized…Ā Again I apologized..Ā She did the unfriend me on Facebook and snap chat and refriend me then unfriend me… I had an emotional melt down“- it doesn’t surprise me that a searched,Ā interrogated, unfriended, re-friended and unfriended-again man will have a melt down. Seems like you entered the relationship as a Guilty Man, in her mind, and she was looking for proof all along, that you are indeed guilty.
Her behavior is not unusual for women who were betrayed in their past, projecting their distrust into future men. Basically, you paid the price for someone else who betrayed her, someone you don’t even know.
“.…But most of all I will remember being betrayed by my best friend and lover over stuff I had subscribed to over the course of being in the military for 15 years. Being back in Wisconsin and not dating anyone for 8 years. I gave you my all, and apparently, that was not enough“- you gave her your honest thoughts and feelings.. and you were indeed betrayed by the woman who falsely accused you of betraying her.
“I unloaded on her and I regret doing that… She also filed a formal hr complaint which I canāt blame her“- I didn’t notice any abusive unloading on your part.. what is it exactly that you regret, and what was the HR complaint about?
You don’t have to answer, of course. Share only what you feel comfortable sharing.
anita
-
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 