Tiny Buddha

Category: Blog

  • 10 Ways to Turn Around a Bad Day in 10 Minutes Or Less

    10 Ways to Turn Around a Bad Day in 10 Minutes Or Less

    “Peace begins with a smile.” ~Mother Theresa

    Minor things can trigger bad days, whether it’s a having a tiff with your roommate, getting stuck in traffic, or just waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

    As a fitness instructor, I’ve found that one negative comment from a member in a class can completely derail an otherwise happy day.

    Someone in one of my fitness classes once griped about my music selection after what I thought was an amazing class. It almost drained my entire high, but after hearing from the other 99.9% of the class that was sweaty and happy—people who’d enjoyed my class—I brushed the comment aside.

    This has happened to me quite often, and I have to remember not to let one measly comment tarnish an otherwise great day.

    This is the good news: You can turn around a bad day just as quickly as it started.

    The first thing you need to do is get some positive juices flowing. Once you’ve started to feel good inside, it’s much easier to change your perspective on the day and let the pity parade pass you by.

    If a bad day’s got you down, try one of these 10 ways to turn it around in 10 minutes or less:

    1. Listen to a favorite song and sing along.

    Studies have shown that listening to music you like can alter your mood and even alleviate depression.

    In your iPod, make a “Feel Better” playlist that includes songs that work for you. Try to choose positive, uplifting songs that you can sing along to. “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz works for me every time.

    2. Take a shower.

    I’m not sure what it is about taking a shower, but I feel that it metaphorically helps “clean” the negativity. Taking a quick shower, especially one that alternates cold and hot water, can help increase circulation and rid negative energy.

    Start with a warm shower and then slowly turn the temperature of the water as cold as you can stand for 20 seconds. Then bring the temperature back up again. Alternate this cycle for 3−5 minutes to start until you can slowly start to tolerate longer durations. (more…)

  • The World Is a Kinder Place When You’re Kind

    The World Is a Kinder Place When You’re Kind

    Friends

    “Don’t wait for people to be friendly. Show them how.” ~Unknown

    Sometimes I stop to think about how in the world I ended up where I have. I started off with very little, and somehow along the way I have ended up generally happy and on my own two feet.

    My adolescence up to my early twenties had its share of dark days. Whether or not we are lucky enough to have a small handful of people that stick by us no matter what, more often than not we can find ourselves feeling incredibly lonely.

    For a long time through my rough days, I held a sort of grudge against the rest of the world. I had convinced myself that everyone was only looking out for themselves, and I had lost faith in the idea that people were mostly good.

    Where was that feeling of community? Or helping out your neighbors? What about equality and accepting others’ differences?

    The world felt large, dark, and lonely. I felt very let down.

    What I didn’t realize at the time was that as much as those close to me have influenced my growth and my life, those I consider strangers have made just as strong an impact. By closing out the rest of the world, I was really hindering my growth and happiness. Let me explain.

    I had an accident a few years back, and unfortunately, I was far from home and by myself when the incident occurred.

    Many strangers witnessed the accident and casually passed by. Two people who could have just as easily done the same, leaving the accident for someone else to take care of, chose to step in and come to my aide.

    They had no obligation to help, and in fact, had places to be. Instead, they stopped to help me, waited until the paramedics arrived, helped to contact someone I knew, and confirmed that I would be okay.

    I was shocked that people who didn’t even know my name were spending so much time taking precautions to ensure my safety.

    My world was jolted—and I kind of liked it. (more…)

  • Learning to Trust: Let Go of Your Fear and Let Your Guard Down

    Learning to Trust: Let Go of Your Fear and Let Your Guard Down

    “The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway

    In love and in life, our vulnerability is one of our greatest strengths. We often believe that we risk too much by being vulnerable, but, in fact, the opposite is true. When we build a wall around us to protect ourselves from our big, bad fears, we miss out on so much.

    When we live with the mindset that something may be taken from us (physically or emotionally), or that we need to be in control of everything that happens, we endure fear on a daily basis.

    It’s exhausting to live this way. It makes us cynical, suspicious, and unable to follow our hearts because we are afraid of what might happen.

    So what exactly are we protecting ourselves from when our walls are up?

    • Fear of rejection
    • Fear of being ridiculed
    • Fear of failure
    • Fear of being wrong
    • Fear of committing ourselves and having to follow through
    • Fear of being taken advantage of

    These fears are so normal that, unless we become self-aware, they can permeate our everyday interactions. It’s not just about trusting people either, but also life situations and opportunities that come our way. When the barriers are up, our lives become needlessly limited.

    We don’t bother talking to that person because we’re certain they won’t be interested in a date. We don’t show how much we care about a person because we’re afraid they won’t love us back. We don’t go for that job or that course because we’re scared we won’t get an interview.

    Nobody likes to feel exposed, but if you are someone who has suffered at the hands of betrayal, trust issues become even further magnified.

    Learning to be vulnerable after deep pain can feel impossible. But it doesn’t have to be. If you consciously choose to stay open and trusting, you will find that your world changes for the better in ways you may never have imagined. (more…)

  • Wanting to Feel Good and Look Good: Why Do We Do What We Do?

    Wanting to Feel Good and Look Good: Why Do We Do What We Do?

    Sun Goddess

    “Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” ~Shakespeare

    Have you ever stopped to question why you do what you do? Or how it looks to other people?

    I’ve done this pretty much all through my life. In fact, an outsider might say that I’ve spent more time analyzing my place in the world than experiencing it.

    In some ways, this is true, and not uncommon for someone who’s chosen to be a writer.

    As a young child I used to silently mouth the words of what I’d just said after every sentence I uttered.

    Even as a kid, I felt this need to rethink my thoughts after speaking them, and because I was too young to realize it looked strange, I did this while moving my lips.

    I wondered why I’d said what I’d said, and how others might have heard it.

    This followed me through life, and later manifested in a desire to not only say the “right” thing, but also to do it.

    Never was this more important to me than in my mid-twenties, after I’d spent the majority of my adolescent and young adult life self-destructing and unintentionally hurting others—something that, I feared, confirmed that I was a bad, selfish person (ironically, the same fears that led me to self-destruct).

    I wanted so badly to be good. To do good. To look good. I imagined and hoped that this was the key to feeling good.

    I didn’t want to be selfish—that was bad. So I concluded that I needed to be selfless.

    I didn’t want to crave so much attention—that was bad. So I concluded that I needed to be humble.

    I didn’t want to be or be seen as manipulative—that was bad. So I concluded that I needed to prove that I had good intentions.

    In retrospect, I can see that these realizations and conclusions sparked my initial interest in the personal development industry six years back, and they informed how I did what I did. (more…)

  • Overextending and Overachieving: Create Space in a Busy Schedule

    Overextending and Overachieving: Create Space in a Busy Schedule

    Relaxing

    “Beware the barrenness of a busy life.” ~Socrates

    The spring of 2010 was all about the 3 H’s: hotels, hospitals, and hospice. I was in the midst of a busy quarter for my consulting business (the hotel part), and my mother had been diagnosed with lung cancer (the hospital and hospice part).

    I’ll be honest—my relationship with my mother had been tenuous since my late teens. No matter how challenging a relationship has been, however, watching the slow and painful death of a parent is heartbreaking.

    Want to know how I dealt with the loss and grief? I ran away from it. 

    When I wasn’t fulfilling the role of dutiful daughter and caregiver, I was embracing the role of Road Warrior Princess. I kept telling myself that if I could only dance faster, then I would make it through.

    The busyness of getting on a plane, dashing for taxis, checking in and out of hotels, dealing with the bustle of Amtrak, reviewing documents all day, having dinner with clients, and more allowed me to push away any real feelings.

    However, it’s impossible to run away from pain forever.

    A few months after my mother died, I helped my partner move into a new home. I replaced airplanes and power lunches with email and conference calls, and suitcase packing with waiting for appliance deliveries and utility installations.

    I reset my routines, turning from a habit of running away to one that involved staying in one place. I ritualized parts of my routines to re-connect with my spirituality. I meditated. I went for daily walks. I rediscovered my passion for cooking from the ingredient up.

    It was time to admit that rather than being Wonder Woman, I’m all too human.

    I began to feel. I began to grieve. The pushing away of all that feeling in favor of simply allowing it to happen had quite the opposite effect from what I had feared—instead of dragging me down, it began to lift me up.

    I felt joyous again. I dropped another ten pounds. Even better, I was blossoming creatively. I wrote more in those three weeks than I had in the previous six months.

    Slowing down to savor the day led to actually speeding up when I was ready to work.

    It seems as if “busy” has become the new black. But being busy is not the same as feeling worthy, satisfied, or fulfilled.

    We say that we desire to feel rested and restored, but we still fill our schedules to the gills so that there isn’t a speck of white space there.

    “What’s white space?” you ask. Let me explain. (more…)

  • Stopping Comparisons: Reclaim Reality and Raise Your Self-Esteem

    Stopping Comparisons: Reclaim Reality and Raise Your Self-Esteem

    Smiling

    “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel” ~Steve Furtick

    Have you ever wondered when the turning point was? When did you start questioning yourself and believing you were missing something? When did you stop thinking of yourself as invincible and start noticing what others called “flaws”?

    As a teenager and young adult, I struggled with severe depression and anxiety.

    In my early twenties, I entered treatment for my eating disorder, a decision that proved to be life-changing in the most positive of ways.

    During my second stint in treatment, I met a young woman who was a year older than me, and the walking embodiment of everything I wanted to be. I felt threatened, intimidated, and highly insecure every time we were in the same room.

    She was smart, beautiful, spoke French better than I did, and had a loving boyfriend. I wished that I had her olive skin and shiny dark hair, not to mention her exquisite wardrobe.

    However, I also quickly learned how much she and I had in common, including an insurmountable desire to be envied and admired for our accomplishments. Our similarities caused us to repel against each other like the similar poles of a magnet.  (more…)

  • 5 Reasons to Stop Keeping Score in Relationships

    5 Reasons to Stop Keeping Score in Relationships

    Back to Back

    “It’s one of the most beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    During my freshman year of college, my group of friends would always hang out in my room.

    For the most part, I enjoyed playing host.

    Then certain things started to bother me. People would constantly be eating my snacks, and I would constantly be cleaning up after them when they left.

    Day after day, I would provide my friends with food. They would make a mess eating it while sitting on my bed. And they wouldn’t clean up after themselves.

    Perhaps this sounds trivial to you, but over time I found it very annoying.

    And after a few months of this, I became resentful toward my friends.

    The problem here was that I couldn’t help but “keep score” in my relationships with them.

    What do I mean by this?

    Every time I gave my friends food, I would mentally record it, and expect to get something of equal value in return.

    In my mind, I was giving way more than I was getting.

    And then every once in a while when they would come in and offer me some of their food, I felt even worse.

    “How can they think that this is enough after all I’ve given them?”

    If they thought they were giving me a sizeable gift, then suddenly I felt obligated to pay them back to keep the balance in my favor.

    In hindsight, I see how disturbed this way of thinking is. But at the time, it all made sense to me.

    Keeping score got me nowhere, other than feeling bad and deteriorating my relationships.

    This kind of mindset is toxic. It causes nothing but harm.

    Think about your own life and your own relationships. Chances are you are keeping score in some of them.

    And I bet it’s having the same effect on you. (more…)

  • Who Do You Think You Are and Is It Limiting You?

    Who Do You Think You Are and Is It Limiting You?

    “To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” ~Pema Chodron

    One of my yoga teachers, Johanna Aldrich, inspired me to inspect what I “thought” I was.

    “This is what I am, this is what I am not, this is what I do, this is what I don’t do, this is what I like, that is what I don’t like.” All the stories and behavior patterns gathered in 40+ years that I had created to define myself.

    Of course, I had reasons and whys behind all of these things I “thought” I was. I had tried a few of those things and long ago made my decisions but in some cases had never even tried. Some of the reasons were real and some were imagined.

    But what are these things really but just stories?

    They’re the stories that we tell ourselves over and over again in order to feel comfortable or hide from difficult realities. I avoided many things with my stories so I wouldn’t have to experience failure and disappointment—just wanting to feel loved, good enough, part of something. 

    It’s interesting to me how the mind wants to have everything figured out. It provides us some sort of comfort. This can also be seen in victims of trauma and violence in a much more heightened way, but all of us have used our stories to try to gain ease of mind.

    So I spent 2012 intentionally doing the opposite of what I would normally do. I tried for the first time and also re-tried many things with a beginner’s mind. I: (more…)

  • Interview & Book Giveaway: Misadventures of a Garden State Yogi

    Interview & Book Giveaway: Misadventures of a Garden State Yogi

    Misadventures of a Garden State Yogi

    Note: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha for free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

    The Winners:

    Yoga, road trips, and personal stories that border on TMI—these are all things I enjoy, which might explain why I was drawn to Misadventures of a Garden State Yogi.

    In this engaging self-help memoir, author and yoga teacher Brian Leaf shares his experiences healing Colitis and ADD through yoga.

    Including anecdotes from a cross-country journey during which he tried many different studios, Brian provides a window into his spiritual journey and shares how he established his own personal formula for happiness.

    Honest, entertaining, and insightful, Misadventures of a Garden State Yogi shares how one man healed himself from within and inspires us to access our own personal power.

    I’m grateful that Brian took the time to answer some questions about himself and his book, and that he’s provided three copies for Tiny Buddha readers.

    The Giveaway

    To Enter:

    • Leave a comment on this post sharing one thing that made you smile today.
    • For an extra entry, tweet: RT @tinybuddha Book Giveaway: Misadventures of a Garden State Yogi – Comment and RT to win! http://bit.ly/XMFo9t

    You can enter until midnight PST on Monday, February 4th. (more…)

  • Letting Go of Fears and Worries About Getting Things Done

    Letting Go of Fears and Worries About Getting Things Done

    “Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.” ~Unknown

    As the days have continued on past the beginning of the New Year, my discontent has been growing as I’ve been thinking (or worrying) about how unmotivated I feel.

    The holidays have come to a close, the New Year began, we made wonderful goals for ourselves, and yet, I’ve begun nothing. I wanted to write another article, keep up with my blog(s), organize my house, work on my finances and my fitness, and start new projects.

    The holidays were rough to get through this year, but they are over now, and though I know it’s early in the year so I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, I still feel a sense of urgency and disappointment that I’m having trouble getting started.

    This created more discontent and frustration. What could I possibly share with anyone with my head in this state? So, I did the only thing I thought I could—I let it go.

    Sometimes realizations hit you like a ton of bricks, and this one did. Once I let that urgency go, I was able to approach the situation more calmly.

    I was then able to realize that I was forgetting one of the most important lessons I’ve learned on my journey to better living: everything is happening as it should be.

    This does not mean to live life with complete inaction.

    You can’t, for example, bring in your mail, toss the bills on the table, and “let it go.”

    The universe isn’t going to pay your bills for you. But letting the fear that you “don’t have enough” to pay your bills keep you from opening them, so as to avoid the scary situation inside, will only help you dig a deeper hole for yourself.

    The “letting go” that I am referring to here pertains to the fear and worry.

    No matter what the situation is, try to let go of the fear of what’s going to happen. Know that you really do have the power to take care of it. There is always a solution. You are not powerless. (more…)

  • 10 Steps to Create Lasting Change in Your Life

    10 Steps to Create Lasting Change in Your Life

    Free

    “Our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as being able to remake ourselves.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

    From time to time I read my old journals. When the moment strikes me, I choose a journal at random from my bookshelf.

    This time it was the beautiful green and gold one my mom had given me in what must have been September of 2010, because the writing chronicles my life from September 20, 2010 to January 1, 2011.

    Basically, it is my perceptive exactly two years ago.

    I had just started my second year of grad school and I was a month into my internship at an outpatient drug and alcohol rehab facility.

    I loved what I was doing and I was really good at it. With conviction, I had found my passion.

    During these documented months of my life, I was also:

    • Catching myself being “in my head” and too hard on myself
    • Feeling angry with my parents after identifying the residual effects of the parenting I received, and then forgiving my mom for not understanding how to foster my spirit
    • Exploring my birth chart, seeing a psychic (or two), and using meditation and Dan Millman’s ideas to find my life purpose
    • “Practicing” with men and dissecting the happenings of all my past romantic relationships
    • Recognizing self-sabotage and self-deprecating tendencies and making an effort to change my self-talk (what I say and how I converse with myself when alone)
    • Beginning to understand that my thoughts affect my behavior, which impacts the circumstances of my life
    • Learning how to love myself, faults and all, and how to be my own partner so I know how I want a man to treat me
    • Practicing presence—trying to stay in the moment
    • Asking myself the hard-to-answer questions that I had previously been skilled at avoiding. Example: Why is my heart closed-off?
    • Investigating vulnerability, yet still feeling unable to attempt it in any real way
    • Trying to set personal goals
    • Starting to have close, meaningful relationships with intelligent, curious, and motivated women for the first time in my life
    • Acknowledging guilt I felt about making my life what I want it to be
    • Struggling with verbal communication and assertiveness—what I needed to say to people in my life
    • Starting to see what love really means—the action, the verb, instead of a noun             (more…)
  • Free Yourself From Emotional Debt: Move Beyond Pain from the Past

    Free Yourself From Emotional Debt: Move Beyond Pain from the Past

    Feeling Free

    “He who is brave is free.” ~Seneca

    We all know what debt is. Some of us, most of us, still have a few we’re paying off.

    Student loans, car payments, mortgages.

    But what about the unseen debts, debts that are invisible to the naked eye but instead live within our hearts?

    There are many invisible debts we pay—debts that are alive within us from the past: The father who walked out when we were little, whose approval we’re still seeking. The mother who was over critical, so we overwork ourselves to prove that we’re good enough. The time someone humiliated us, and it still stings.

    What about these debts?

    When will those be paid and filed away?

    How do we cleanse ourselves of these, which are less obvious but certainly feel more real?

    My emotional debt began when my dad left. I waited 15 years for him to come back, and when he did, he slipped back into my life like he never left.

    He taught me to drive, took me to dinner, came to my graduation—all the great things that dads are supposed to do.

    Then one day he disappeared again, and all those good feelings, the love we built between us, were gone, and all that was left was pain and devastation.

    What I didn’t know at the time was that I created a wall around my heart—a wall to protect myself from getting hurt.

    I decided that from that day forward I would always leave others before they could leave me.

    I paid this debt for many years, getting close to people and leaving them on a whim. I felt no love really, but I also felt no pain. I was numb. I was detached from the pain I caused others because I wasn’t in touch with the pain inside my heart.

    Through personal work I began to see the pattern I was living out, a debt I was paying, and I slowly developed tools for bringing myself back into the positive.

    I want to share with you these tools that helped me dissolve my invisible debt so I could live a life of happiness and peace. (more…)

  • Envy Can Teach You Why You’re Dissatisfied with Yourself

    Envy Can Teach You Why You’re Dissatisfied with Yourself

    Screen shot 2013-01-27 at 4.08.03 PM

    “To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is: a dissatisfaction with self.” ~Joan Didion

    For a few years in the late 90s, I had a date with the green-eyed monster every other Monday at 6:00 PM on the dot.

    That was when my women artists support group met in my friend Anne’s studio.

    For those three hours, like clockwork, the envy monster took over my body, mind, and spirit.

    Oh, how I wanted a studio like Anne’s! Wide open space for her to paint, high ceilings, natural light through clerestory windows, a small office for her computer off the main room.

    My own “studio” was a tiny bedroom, so small it was a miracle my drafting table even fit inside. Where Anne had spacious shelves and flat files to store her supplies, a sofa for visitors, and still had plenty of space left over to spread out and paint, I barely had space to turn around.

    It wasn’t just her studio that I envied, either. Unlike me, Anne seemed to have a happy, functioning marriage. And her house was gorgeous, an old bungalow in pristine condition, with the kinds of details you just don’t find in newer construction: old hardwood floors, a fireplace with hand-made tiles, built-in glass cabinets in the living and dining rooms.

    In expensive Silicon Valley, houses like this—even tiny ones—don’t come cheap, and I seethed with envy, wishing I could afford a place like Anne’s.

    It takes a two-income family to afford such a home in my town, though, and with my marriage falling apart, I was soon to enter the ranks of the single-income—and a limited income, at that.

    Face it, with her well-paying design work, her (also well-paid) husband, her beautiful house, and her to-die-for studio, Anne represented everything I wanted and did not have.

    Hence that bi-monthly date with the green-eyed monster.

    I should note that I didn’t begrudge Anne all of her riches. I was glad for her. (more…)

  • Share Your Vulnerable Story: Find Strength by Letting Others In

    Share Your Vulnerable Story: Find Strength by Letting Others In

    Holding Hands

    “Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene

    In February of 2011, I went to see my doctor because I was suffering from severe headaches that I figured were associated with using computers all day at my law job. After having a few tests, the doctor said that I wasn’t doing well and he suggested that I take a leave from work to focus on my health.

    The next few months, I found myself in and out of doctors’ offices, medical labs, and hospitals on a weekly basis. With a variety of tests already done, my doctor suggested we do an MRI of my brain. I went for my MRI in June of 2011.  

    Weeks passed by after my MRI, and assuming no news was good news, I made plans for my summer. I decided to have a change of scenery and went to San Francisco for a fun summer job that didn’t involve computer work.

    After a great summer there, I was in Toronto in late August for two weeks visiting my parents when I got a call from my neurologist in Vancouver.

    She told me I had a brain tumor.  

    The floor dropped beneath my feet, my heart sank, and my mind raced, contemplating how I would break this news to my parents. I put the phone down, walked into the kitchen, and I told them. We hugged and then we cried.

    In that moment, my life flashed before me. I was 28 years old, single, unemployed, and now, more lost than ever. I didn’t know if I would finish my law license, return to Vancouver, move back into my apartment, or when I would see my friends again.

    But, as it always does, life went on. (more…)

  • Transform Your Life by Loving Yourself in Action

    Transform Your Life by Loving Yourself in Action

    Heart

    “Your actions are your only true belongings.” ~Allan Lokos

    I used to be the kind of girl who relished stable and perfect surroundings. I fanned my magazines. I scrubbed the inside of the refrigerator.

    I worked tirelessly to cultivate the external environment that I was lacking inside.

    Externally, things were in order. The bills were paid. The laundry was folded.

    Internally, I was a voracious black hole of yearning.

    I consumed everything that was closest to me—food, love, validation—in an attempt to fill the void that I experienced on a daily basis. That feeling of not being enough, of seeking desperately for the last piece of the puzzle, the piece that would round me out and make me whole.

    Instead, I obsessed over whether or not someone could find me loveable and used superficial benchmarks to validate my existence—grades, jobs, cash, and degrees from fancy schools.

    But when I was truly honest with myself, I was able to notice where I was crumbling under the pressure of that external flawlessness. 

    How, in an effort to shellac over my imperfections, I was micromanaging those around me, offering help that had not been asked for, repairing others because I didn’t have the courage to believe I was repairable.

    I required my own love and support. I needed my actions to resonate with the deeply hidden spark thriving inside my spirit, which held the space and the light in the hopes that someday I’d come to retrieve it.

    Now, I often tell people that the spark inside of them, no matter how dim or deeply hidden, is like Tinker Bell as she is dying in Peter Pan. That, like Tinker Bell, that spark is enlivened and emboldened by the clapping and cheering and belief in its relevance. 

    That spark represents your inner wisdom, the light that will guide you directly toward a life that is tailor-fit to your specifications.

    And yet, there was a time when I doubted its integrity, favoring the words and programs and gospel of experts and gurus, wanting desperately to be fixed, to be whole.

    I was certain that if I just read enough or was good enough, that I would be transformed into a person deserving of a beautiful life.

    It never occurred to me that I was the one that I was waiting for. (more…)

  • How We Appreciate Life More When We Stop Making Assumptions

    How We Appreciate Life More When We Stop Making Assumptions

    “Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.” ~Marianne Williamson

    Our 12th floor apartment overlooks Cape Town’s city bowl and harbor. The view is such that even on overcast days I’m drawn to the window each morning to breathe it in.

    There’s a sense of being both a part of the world and entirely removed from it when you’re that high up.

    It’s how I move through my life too; I’m either immersed in it or off on my own. This contrary nature is not without its challenges, especially when I’m called upon to be one thing when I’m clearly feeling another.

    It’s precisely these moments, however, where if I lean forward in spite of my reluctance, that growth occurs.

    That’s what happened to me the other morning. I was at the window enjoying the view when I noticed a man lying on the narrow concrete island that separates the two lanes of the busy road below.

    His appearance led me to believe he was down on his luck, most likely homeless. I watched as he tried to pull himself into a sitting position. After a few attempts, he eventually gave up and just lay down on his back.

    Cape Town has its share of street people, a lot of them with obvious substance abuse issues. As a result, whenever I see someone lying on the ground, I immediately assume they’re passed out from drinking too much.

    Watching this man below, I figured him for a drunk too. It’s not a judgment call; alcoholism is an illness like any other. I’m simply pointing out how quick I was to pigeonhole him, and from 12 stories up no less.

    Ordinarily, I would simply have gone on with my day, but something compelled me to call the city’s emergency number and ask them to send help. I’m not sure why.

    Maybe it was because the man was lying precariously close to a drop that would land him squarely in the face of oncoming traffic if he fell. I don’t know—all I can say is that, in this instance anyway, I couldn’t ignore the fact that a fellow human being needed help. (more…)

  • 7 Powerful Realizations That Will Help You Suffer Less

    7 Powerful Realizations That Will Help You Suffer Less

    Peaceful

    “More important than the quest for certainty is the quest for clarity.” ~Francois Gautier

    Pain was my norm; not physical pain, but emotional pain compounded with mental self-torture. I was an introvert without introspection, painfully shy and unable to make eye contact. I caved to all manners of peer pressure.

    I was a doormat and didn’t stand up for myself, although I would fight tooth and nail for someone else. It seemed like others often took advantage of my kindness. I took everything personally and cried a lot. Thoughts of suicide lasted for years.

    After more than a decade of misery, I decided something had to change and was guided to self-acceptance work. 

    Gaining self-acceptance was the best thing I’ve ever done. It opened me up to a new perception of myself and to understanding what I did in the past that contributed to my pain.

    In understanding myself and the motivations behind my behavior, I was more clearly able to understand other people’s behavior.

    What I learned (and wish I knew then):

    1. Our behaviors are driven by our needs.

    Regarding: My kindness was often taken advantage of. I caved to all manners of peer pressure.

    Was it actually kindness? Maybe it was weakness. Or was it people pleasing for the purpose of gaining approval? I came to believe it was the latter.

    Everything I did—whether it was in my best interest or not, whether I wanted to do it or not—I did because it provided me with something I believed I needed.  (more…)

  • We Have to Let Go of Who We Are to Discover Who We Can Become

    We Have to Let Go of Who We Are to Discover Who We Can Become

    “When I let go of who I am, I become what I might be.” ~Lau Tzu

    In the spring of last year, a number of events challenged my sense of self and my sense of direction.

    In March I realized my tax liability would be much larger than I’d anticipated, effectively depleting my entire savings account. The next month I had my first major surgery, something that terrified me and further burdened me financially.

    Less than a month later, while my boyfriend was on a vacation I had to miss because I was recovering, a burglar broke into my apartment and stole everything of significant financial value that I owned.

    One month later my grandmother passed away, surrounded by her closest family members. I’d missed the majority of the last decade of her life, but still, I was there.

    Never before in my life had I experienced so much loss in one season. It was an overwhelming, emotionally challenging time.

    And then, without really understanding my intentions, I tossed another loss onto the heap: I stopped writing every day for this blog, as I’d done previously for almost three years.

    A part of me felt this urge to write about the same things over and over. So many times I started blog posts about how I felt uncertain, scared, lost, and sometimes, empty.

    I’d write about my inner conflict over living 3,000 miles away from my family, with my boyfriend who’s from California, and how badly I wanted to move home after my grandmother’s death.

    I’d write about how directionless I felt, with no desire to make any of the professional choices other bloggers often make—mentoring, coaching, or leading workshops.

    I’d write about how ironic it was that so many people emailed me for advice about their lives, when in that moment in time, I had so little clarity about my own.

    And then I’d stop. Three or four paragraphs in, I’d shut my computer, realizing I had no endings for those posts, and considering that maybe that was okay. (more…)

  • Why Quitting Is Sometimes the Right Thing to Do

    Why Quitting Is Sometimes the Right Thing to Do

    “Celebrate endings, for they precede new beginnings.” ~Jonathan Lockwood Huie

    We often think of quitting as failure. We commend people for carrying on when times get rough. The heroes in our action movies don’t just give up when things get difficult. When was the last time you saw Steven Seagal walk away from a fight?

    As the saying goes, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” Society expects us to fight back and battle on.

    But sometimes, quitting is most definitely the right thing to do.

    Sometimes, it’s the best option. A lot of people assume that it’s the easy thing to do—that only defeatists and good-for-nothin’ drop outs would even consider such a “cop-out.” This is not the case.

    I learned this myself when I finally made that looming decision to drop out of college. There it is: “drop out.” Even the words sound negative, as if I’ve fallen away from society, failing to meet my expectations. But I don’t see my decision as a negative thing at all, and it wasn’t the easy thing to do.

    I had been at college for a year and two months; I had great friends, and everything was happily laid out for me.

    Nothing was too demanding, especially considering I had only nine contact hours a week. People told me where I had to be and when. This must all sound fairly straight-forward and easy going.

    Why, then, would I decide to give it all up and leave?

    As idyllic as this lifestyle sounds (and probably was), I simply felt no drive to live it. I had no desire to follow these laid out plans, and this was making me extremely unhappy. Going to college was, in hindsight, a bad decision for me.

    I rushed into the decision rather than taking a break to find myself in the world. (more…)

  • When You’re Pretending to Be Fine: 9 Tips to Deal and Heal

    When You’re Pretending to Be Fine: 9 Tips to Deal and Heal

    “Our strength grows out of our weaknesses.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    I never thought I’d want to kill myself.

    All my life, I’d been a strong, independent woman, building a business from home, raising two wonderful sons, and staying happy and positive throughout.

    If you’d told me I’d one day consider taking my own life, I’d have laughed and said, “You’ve got me confused with someone else!”

    But after twenty years and two sons together, my husband and I decided to split up.

    So what? Separation and divorce are commonplace. You just cope with it like everyone else. I was strong, so not coping would mean I was weak.

    But it hurt and hurt and hurt. And eventually I just wanted to stop. I couldn’t put my boys through that, but I couldn’t see another way out. So, while pretending to everyone that I was fine, I thought about it. Seriously.

    What Do You Pretend?

    Coping with everything life throws at you is tough. 

    Juggling all your different roles, trying to be all things to all people, and “shoehorning” so much into every day.

    You and your needs aren’t even worth a mention on your very long to-do list.

    You feel guilty and inadequate and worry that someday all those plates you’re spinning will come crashing down. You’re an amazing somebody who often feels like an invisible and overwhelmed nobody. Feeling lost and alone, living in silent despair.

    Not always much fun being a grown-up, is it?  (more…)