Tiny Buddha

Category: happiness & fun

  • 14 Daily Happiness Habits to Adopt Right Now

    14 Daily Happiness Habits to Adopt Right Now

    “The biggest lie we’re told is ‘Be with someone who makes you happy.’ The truth is, happiness is something you create on your own. Be with someone who adds to it.” ~Unknown

    That’s what we all strive for, right?

    Happiness, I mean.

    I used to think that happiness was about my external world. If things were going well for me (in my career, social life, relationships, etc.), then I was happy. If things weren’t going well, which things often weren’t in one area or another, I felt frustrated, angry, or defeated.

    Later, I realized that long-term happiness isn’t about external events. It starts from within and most importantly, it’s a skill to be learned and developed.

    To live your best life, you need to realize that happiness doesn’t happen to you—it happens because of you. That doesn’t mean if you do all the right things you’ll feel happy all the time. No one feels happy all the time. It just means your choices influence how you feel, and if you make healthy choices you’ll likely feel good more often than not.

    To help you create a happier life, I’ve put together fourteen habits you can adopt right now. Read them, ponder them, and let them move in with you. Use this list to start building habits that will help you cultivate happiness, no matter your current situation.

    1. Look for the silver lining.

    It’s said that every cloud has a silver lining. Sometimes they’re hard to find, but in my experience, they’re always there.

    When one of my friends passed away a few years ago, I had a hard time finding the silver lining. Life just seemed unfair and brutal.

    After a few months I decided to channel all that frustration, anger, and sadness into making a life change. So I quit my job and went traveling for a year. What happened to her made me realize that life can be short, and I wanted to make the most out of mine. That was the silver lining for me.

    2. Water your own grass.

    It’s so easy to compare ourselves these days. Just by turning on the TV, opening social media, or by having a conversation we can fall into the trap of comparison. That’s not how we build a happy life. We do that by watering our own grass, not by looking to our neighbors’.

    So, acknowledge what other people have and use that as inspiration to get to where you want to go. Keep your eyes on your lane and build, create, and nurture what you want more of.

    3. Move the phone away from the bedroom.

    For many people, the last thing they see before falling asleep is their phone. It’s also probably the first thing they see when they wake up. (Confession: I’m guilty as charged when it comes to this.)

    By checking your phone first thing in the morning you allow other people, apps, and email notifications to dictate how you feel. You start the day being reactive instead of deciding for yourself what to focus on.

    Get yourself an alarm that isn’t your phone (or at least put it on airplane mood). Then create a short bedtime and morning routine that makes you feel good. I like to spend a few minutes visualizing, meditating, or appreciating to set my attention straight.

    4. Setup feel-good reminders on your phone.

    Oh, this is something you have to do right now! Go to your phone calendar and set up one or two daily reminders to yourself. At 9am every morning I get the notification “I’m enough” to remind myself that no matter how I’m struggling or what other people think or say, I am enough!

    At 1pm another affirmation pops up saying “I deserve the best and I always get it.” This one always makes my heart smile because it reinforces my worth and compels me to consider how my present circumstances might actually be in my best interest.

    Treat your future self nicely by setting up at least one feel-good- daily reminder. It will help you to change course during the day, if needed.

    5. Go for a walk in nature.

    I’ve quite recently realized the power of connecting with nature. This is a place to reconnect and ground yourself.

    Fun fact: Nature is said to have a natural frequency pulsation of 7.83 hertz on average (the so-called Schumann resonance).

    This frequency (7.83 hertz) is supposedly also the brain’s average alpha frequency. The alpha state is where we feel relaxed and calm. Pretty epic, right? So, make it a daily habit to walk in nature and tune yourself into a happier and more relaxed version of yourself.

    6. Take 100% responsibility.

    This is always a game changer for me. I often avoid responsibility at first (much easier to turn to blame, criticism, or excuses, right?) But you can’t change a situation if you don’t first take 100% responsibility for it.

    Look at any area in your life that you’re not fully satisfied with (your finances, health, career, love, social life, etc.). Then decide to take full responsibility for changing it. It might be true that someone else is to blame for a situation, but the only way you can change things is by taking responsibility for what’s within your control.

    7. Stop complaining.

    Oh, it’s so easy to complain.  To look at what isn’t working or what other people are doing wrong and to criticize and condemn. But that doesn’t solve any problems.

    If you don’t like something, change it. If you’re unable to change it, your only option is to change your attitude about it. Next time you feel like complaining, ask yourself what you can be grateful for in this situation. For example, if a bus driver is rude to you on the way to work, you can choose to focus and give thanks to the fact that you are able to ride the bus to work.

    8. Communicate confidence through your body.

    Our body reflects how we feel. If you are nervous and anxious, you can be sure that your body is mirroring that. You might flicker with your gaze, speak quietly, or hold a posture that signals insecurity.

    The positive thing is that this mirroring also happens the other way around. So start communicating to your mind by using your body. Stand up tall and straight, look other people into the eyes, and speak up. Tell your mind, by using your body, that you’re safe, appreciated, and comfortable where you are.

    9. Spend time on what matters.

    If we want a happy life, we have to fill it with happy moments. This means spending time on things that matter and with people that matter.

    What do you love doing? What brings you joy and happiness? Which people do you feel great being around? Make sure to carve out time every day for what brings you joy.

    10. Spend less time on social media.

    Oh, social media! Just by opening our phone, we can step into the lives of thousands of people.

    Social media can be great in many ways. It can help us to get inspired, connect with people across the world, and share special moments. But it can also lead to feelings of lack, inadequacy, and exclusion.

    Be conscious of your mood before engaging in social media. Ask yourself: Am I in a place where I can use it to my benefit? Or am I in a place where it can trigger me negatively? In short, make sure you control your social media experience, not the other way around.

    11. Give yourself space during the day.

    It’s so easy to get caught up in the busy-ness of life. To focus on efficiency, productivity and getting shit done. But not making space for yourself during the day will not only create a sense of stress and urgency, it will also stifle your creativity, intuition, and ability to reflect.

    So, if possible, be smart about how you set up your day. Give yourself more time than needed to complete a task. Allow it to take an hour and a half instead of an hour. For me, not rushing through tasks has resulted in greater clarity, satisfaction, and (to my surprise!) productivity.

    12. Become a master at shifting perspective.

    This is my go-to, every day! Whenever I feel bad about a situation, I know there’s another, more beneficial perspective available. For example, if I have a hard time falling asleep, I can either focus on me losing sleep (oh, the horror!) or on the fact that I can handle a night with less sleep and that it’s not a big deal. (And yeah, that’s usually when I fall asleep).

    In short, look at any challenging situation and try to find a better-feeling perspective. For example, did you get into conflict with someone? Then this might result in you understanding each other better next time. Do whatever you can to scout out the learnings, upsides, and positive aspects of any difficult situation.

    13. Give the gift of allowing someone to help you.

    When was the last time you asked someone for help? We tend to believe we have to be strong and independent all the time. But the truth is we’re not wired for independence—we’re wired for collaboration.

    In general, people like helping other people. So, why not give someone the gift of allowing them to help you? Ask for their input, advice, or help to move forward. Not only will this add value for you both, you’ll also get closer by helping one another.

    14. Turn contrast into clarity.

    In life, we experience contrast and difficult situations on a daily basis. Here is the good news: Negative experiences are clues to what you want. A strict and rigid work schedule might tell you that you want more flexibility. Exercise that feels boring or overwhelming might tell you that it’s time to scout a new and fun workout routine.

    Contrasts show us what we don’t like. Your job is to acknowledge the dislike and then to turn your head in the other direction. Ask yourself: What do I want instead? How can I make that happen?

    Small Daily Steps Toward a Happier Life

    It’s easy to get overwhelmed when it comes to making changes. So, set yourself up for success by taking action on one of the points I mentioned above. Choose one that makes you excited and once you’ve mastered it, move on to the next point.

    Don’t leave your happiness in the hands of chance and external circumstances. Instead, take charge and cultivate happiness from the inside out.

    Take small steps to develop habits of happiness and you’ll contribute to making this world a better place.

  • Why Chasing Happiness Won’t Make You Happy

    Why Chasing Happiness Won’t Make You Happy

    “Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will evade you, but if you notice the other things around you, it will gently come and sit on your shoulder.” ~Henry David Thoreau

    Most of us are always on the lookout for a big breakthrough—a point in our life where the beam balance tips to maximal happiness so we can enjoy everlasting bliss. What can we do to get there?

    Our pursuit of happiness is like a coyote chasing a roadrunner. But what happens? Just like the roadrunner, happiness slips out of our hands every single time. This leads us to a few questions…

    What if the pursuit of happiness is never-ending? Have we ever considered the caveats of chasing happiness? To save you from months of misery, I’ll share a little of my life experience. From being a typical college kid to suffering from depression, it was my pursuit of happiness that brought me down.

    The Obsession Phase

    It was 2018. I was obsessed with smartphones, and my average screen time per day was ten hours. Getting stuck in a vicious cycle of Whatsapp, Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube for hours left me miserable and sluggish. In a vain attempt to gain my life back, I deleted all social media accounts. Every social media app went right out the window.

    Fast-forward fifteen days later, my daily screen time still averaged around eight to ten hours. I was the most hard-core addict you could ever find. It wasn’t a good sign, and I desperately wanted to relieve myself from the clutches of my smartphone. So this time I did something different: I sold my smartphone and got myself a shabby Nokia 3310.

    It was a “life-altering experience.” It filled me with eternal joy right away, and… okay, I’m gonna stop lying. I just wanted to pretend to be an Instagram influencer who ditches their phones for thirty days and claims the experience to be life-changing! As if it could be that easy.

    The truth is, quitting my smartphone sucked. Over seven hours of free time with nothing to do. I felt like my head was gonna shatter into a million pieces. I was bored to tears during the first few days, and I spent much of my time staring at my friends with their shiny little companions. Days rolled by…

    One fine day an idea for a short story popped in my mind. It was about a young girl who lost her boxer dad in a fight and lives in poverty with her mother. She’s guided by a guy at school, and they develop a sort of “brother from another mother” relationship. He lifts her up, and she does the same when he falls back.

    With nothing much to do, and with zero expectations, I started writing.

    Every evening after college, I raced to the library to write my story. Weeks passed and I finished my first draft. Guess what? I published it too… packed with tons of typos and errors, but still, I did it!

    Luckily, my compassionate friends overlooked my errors and still read the entire thing. And they (kind of) liked it. Not that I was some writing prodigy or whatever, but it wasn’t bad for a first timer. This kindled writing dreams in me… and things started going downhill from here.

    I was disillusioned that success and fame would make me happy. With this false belief, writing became my new drug of choice. Fast forward a few months, I would wake up as early as 4:30 in the morning and then would work till midnight.

    It wasn’t that I’d write all the time; I’d spend most of my mornings procrastinating, sitting before my desk or banging my head on it for ideas. I fixated on the idea that more work = better chances of success = better chances of becoming happy. The lack of sleep, bit by bit, was taking a toll on my body, and I was turning into an impulsive, depressed, insomniac zombie.

    Though I sat before my laptop for almost one-third of the day, I could have achieved the same amount of work in a single hour. I got carried away with my false definition of success, and this distanced me from my friends, which I’m not proud to admit.

    But a book intervened and saved me from becoming a zombie who feasts on his roommate’s brain for breakfast. The chapter on the importance of sleep made me realize how dumb I’d been. I finally understood the workaholic madness I was under.

    The Recovery Phase

    I started sleeping seven to eight hours per night, despite my fear of becoming less productive. I wrote for enjoyment, started hanging around with friends, went to movies, and took a few short trips as well. But none of this was possible in my workaholic days. It was all work-work-work.

    A week later, I realized I got more quality work done in one to two hours than I was able to achieve in eight, when I was getting poor quality sleep. And with each passing month, things got better and better. This got me thinking…

    “Why am I so happy even though I’m working less? Why am I happy even though I’m not trying to be happy?”

    That’s when I stumbled upon this idea.

    How Happiness Works

    Psst… I am gonna tell you how happiness works. (Cue drumroll) Happiness is an effect, not a cause nor a destination. Let me explain…

    If you’re trying to be happy, you think of it as a destination—somewhere to get to in the future after you do all the right things. Now think of all the moments you were happy: When you passed an exam after multiple attempts, hung out with your friends, celebrated your birthday, danced at a party, played a sport, went on vacations. All these things have two things in common.

    • The activities themselves generate happiness.
    • You don’t set out to achieve happiness. Instead, you enjoy the activity.

    I hung around my friends and went to movies because I love doing this stuff. This generates happiness. I never intended to become happy by watching a flick, I just wanted to enjoy a movie, and I felt happy as a result.

    Chasing happiness is counterintuitive.

    Think back to your childhood days. Did you ever sit by yourself debating what makes you happy? If you’d find happiness by playing cricket or LEGO blocks? You did things if you liked them, not because you intellectually decided they were the key to happiness.

    Even if you successfully find happiness after a long chase, I bet it won’t last long—I didn’t say this, science does—thanks to hedonic adaptation, the observed tendency of humans to quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative events or life changes.

    So instead of asking what makes you happy, ask what do you enjoy doing?

    I enjoy the following things. Maybe something here could work for you.

    How Can You Enjoy Life More?

    Passion

    Cultivate a love for something. Research shows having a passion increases our eudaimonic well-being. Art, music, writing, gardening, cooking, programming, dance, designing are a few examples out of a million. If you are trying to find your passion, there are a couple things you need to know,

    -Passion never turns up at your doorstep. You have to create it. This means that you keep working on random things that in turn produce your love for an activity, not the other way around. Only after writing three short stories and fifteen sh*tty blog posts did I discover my passion for writing.

    -The only reason to be passionate about something is because you love the activity in itself, not because you can make money out of it. And it’s totally cool if you don’t make money out of your passion—when you follow your passion it doesn’t feel like work, right? I still love writing and hope to hold on to it forever. It’s not my love for writing that ruined me. The desire to be famous and chasing happiness did that.

    Strive for Work/Life Balance

    Whether you’re eighteen or eighty, you won’t be happy if you overwork yourself, nor if you spend all your time binge-watching TV shows. Always try to have a balance so you have time to get things done, time to enjoy things you love, and time to simply be.

    Channel Your Stress Well

    It’s easier to binge Netflix after a tiring day at work. But how about working out, taking your dog for a walk, watering your plants, or taking your kids to an ice cream parlor? Find things that you enjoy and channel your stress that way instead of mindlessly scrolling social media. 

    Socialize

    Human beings are social creatures, so let’s act like it. Go on a family trip, plan a game night with friends (virtual or in person), or simply have dinner with your family together. Odds are, when you’re laughing with people you love you’ll be so present in the moment you won’t think about anything, let alone finding happiness.

    Take care of the body you live in

    Good rest powers you up for a great day, whereas sleep deprivation destroys your mood and your health. So sleep well, and workout at least three times a week to get your blood and endorphins flowing. You needn’t bench 300 pounds. A fifteen-minute jog would do the job.

    —

    So to summarize: Stop chasing happiness, it makes your life worse. Engage yourself in activities that you enjoy in a variety of fields, e.g.: socializing, passion, hobbies. Sleep well and stay human. Zombies have a terrible reputation on our planet, so don’t become one.

  • How to Audit Your Life by Asking the Right Questions

    How to Audit Your Life by Asking the Right Questions

    “Don’t let your fear paralyze you. The scariest paths often lead to the most exciting places.” ~Lori Deschene

    I first learned about the concept of focus creating reality in 2004 when I was given William Whitecloud’s book The Magician’s Way.

    The first chapter is about the main character having a magic golf lesson. He learns that when people play golf, most of them think about how to hold the golf club, how to stand, and how to move the club. He calls this the “swing circle” and recounts how golfers often get caught there, rather than just focusing on where they want the ball to go. By shifting their focus, they could shift their results.

    What’s wonderful is that the process is entirely replicable for us all in any situation.

    At the time, I was two years into being an investment property consultant and part of a team of fifteen consultants throughout Australia. I was driving all over the place seeing clients in their homes—mostly evenings—earning just enough to get by, but I certainly wasn’t thriving.

    In fact, I was considered one of the poorest performers. I was working long hours and working hard, and while I believed in what we were doing, I wasn’t really enjoying it that much. So, having read The Magician’s Way, I started to use the ideas to improve my work life.

    I visualized having better meetings with my clients; I imagined my clients going ahead with property solutions I proposed; and my results started to improve.

    But I thought, there has to be more to this. I felt a very strong pull to study these ideas further. So, I decided to attend a course facilitated by The Magicians Way graduates where they taught clients to realize their dreams by connecting with their authentic selves and innate creative spirit.

    One of the things I learned was that we are all intuitive beings. When we tune into our intuitive selves, we become powerful and expansive.

    I discovered that when we give ourselves space to tap into our intuition about what we want, it comes through us from our higher selves. By shifting our focus to what would improve our lives and by using our intuition, we are infinitely more powerful and can create a life we love.

    For the first time, I was truly creating space to see what I wanted in my life from my unlimited self. I realized that I could choose the direction of my future. That I was the creator of my life.

    With this knowledge in hand, for the first time ever, I looked critically at all the different areas of my life to see where I was limiting myself and where I could change the story I had running through my head. I categorized my life into the following areas:

    • Career & Business
    • Finances
    • Relationships
    • Health & Well-being
    • Home
    • Possessions
    • Travel & Adventures
    • Social life
    • Spirituality
    • Giving Back

    To create change, we first need to be aware of our starting point. In order to move forward we must be honest with ourselves about where we are and face into our current situation.

    When I assessed my life I found that, other than my social life, none of the areas were in the shape I wanted them to be.

    Usually, we don’t create change without a reason. Change typically takes place when dissatisfaction arises or when we become aware of wanting a solution to our current problem. Being really clear about what we want to change and understanding where we are in relation to that is crucial.

    So how do we do that? How can we be objective about our current circumstances?

    Most people don’t regularly evaluate all areas of their life and give themselves a reality check. It can be hard to own up to the mediocrity or negativity. But this kind of ‘life audit’ is vital to understanding your current situation so you can then assess how far you are from what it is you desire.

    By creating space to see where each area of your life is, you are creating a starting point for change, for expansion and growth. You are allowing yourself to see what’s working, what isn’t working, and what could be improved.

    This may be confronting to begin with, but the more you allow yourself to go through this process, the more you will create reason and momentum to move forward in creating the life you love.

    A really powerful way to work through this process is to section off the different areas of your life and give yourself a rating out of ten for each—ten being amazing, you couldn’t get any better, and zero meaning that it is nonexistent or lacking.

    Here is an opportunity to go deeper with each area of your life and give those areas an honest rating so you will have a starting point for change.

    Relationships

    Let’s use an example. You might have given your romantic relationship a low rating. Start with what you feel is lacking from your relationship and partner.

    Some examples could be:

    • We fight too much
    • The passion is gone
    • We don’t spend enough time together
    • They don’t respect me
    • I feel like I am being controlled
    • We don’t have fun together

    Then flip it around. What are you, or aren’t you, contributing to the relationship?

    • I lose my patience with them
    • I don’t give them respect
    • I get angry with them
    • I feel like I want to control them
    • I don’t instigate quality time together

    The more you can analyze how and if you value your relationship, the more you can take responsibility. So, the more you own up to where you are, the more you are able to create change. Focus on yourself first: How am I behaving? How am I responding? Then ask yourself: What can I do differently to help create the kind of relationship I want?

    And since there are two people in your relationship, you’ll also need to ask yourself: What would I like my partner to do differently? How can I communicate that without attacking?

    Finances

    How do you rate your finances? Most of us have blocks around money and money flow, usually because of the beliefs our parents have instilled in us. Unless we are clear on where our finances currently are, how can we change it?

    Ask yourself why you rated your finances as you did:

    • Do I have enough money?
    • Do I just make ends meet?
    • I am in debt?
    • Do I fight about money with my partner?

    Knowing your numbers is crucial. Most people don’t have any idea what their financial position is. Remember, it’s impossible to move forward without knowing where you are right now. I review my full financial position three times a year—at the beginning of the calendar year, the end of financial year, and when I do my taxes.

    After you get clear on your numbers, ask yourself the following questions to ascertain how you can improve your financial situation:

    • Am I living beyond my means?
    • Am I trying to fill an emotional void through buying things?
    • What can I scale back on in order to save more money?
    • How can I increase my earning potential, if not immediately, in the future?

    Health & Well-Being

    List out the reasons you rated your health and well-being as you did.

    Maybe you are telling yourself:

    • I’m unfit
    • I feel overweight
    • I am not exercising enough
    • I eat junk food
    • I drink too much

    You might bring awareness to what you’re consuming each day. Are you conscious of what’s going into your body or are you unconsciously consuming food and drink? Now it’s time to consider your movement. Do you take regular walks? Are you going to the gym or participating in sports?

    Career or Business

    How do you rate this area of your life?

    Consider these questions:

    • Do you love what you do? If so, why? If not, why not?
    • If you do love what you do, what areas are there for improvement?
    • Are you clear on why you do what you do?
    • What is the why?
    • Do you feel energized by what you do, or does it deplete you of energy?
    • Does your work align with your values?
    • Do you enjoy working with your colleagues?
    • Are you happy with your marketing and reach?
    • How is your time management?

    Most of our waking hours are at work, regardless of whether we work for someone else or ourselves. So, if you are not enjoying what you do, that means you are spending most of your waking hours doing what you don’t want to do.

    Of course, it isn’t easy to change careers, but the first step is acknowledging your dissatisfaction and getting clear on what might be more fulfilling, and why.

    Knowledge & Learning

    Are you expanding? Are you learning new things and trying out new experiences?

    Ask yourself:

    • Am I closed off to new ideas?
    • Do I have an open mind, or am I relying on what I already know?
    • Do I proactively seek new knowledge for my career or business, or do I only seek new knowledge for fun?
    • When was the last time I actively sought out a situation where I could learn something new and expand my horizons?

    Travel & Adventures

    Ask yourself:

    • Am I giving myself space to travel, to see new things, and to have adventures?
    • Do I even know what’s out there?
    • When did I last go somewhere on a whim?
    • If I can’t afford to travel, how could I be more adventurous in my daily live?
    • How can I be a “tourist” in my own area—what could I see, do, and explore?

    Home

    Ask yourself:

    • Do I love where I live?
    • Is my house a home?
    • Do I feel comfortable, safe, and happy in my home?
    • Is my home a sanctuary?
    • Do I love the city, the suburb, or even the country I live in?
    • Do I enjoy inviting people to my home, or am I embarrassed by it?
    • Do my friends and family feel comfortable in my home?

    If you don’t love where you live, you may be able to change that easily, or you may need to work toward the long-term goal of moving somewhere new. But it might just be a matter of making changes in your environment—decluttering, infusing your home with your personality, or keeping work out of certain areas to make your home more relaxing.

    Spirituality

    How do you rate this part of your life? Did you even give it a rating? It’s an area that is often neglected. I know when I started my personal growth journey, I considered my spirituality non-existent.

    Spirituality doesn’t necessarily mean organized religion—it’s whatever it means for you. Simply take time to consider how your spirituality is being nurtured—or not—and what it could mean for you if you positively changed this aspect of your life. Ask yourself:

    • Am I part of a spiritual community, and if not, would I like to be?
    • Do I allow myself time to connect with nature?
    • Do I make time for spiritual practices that renew my spirit?
    • What does spiritual self-care mean to me?

    Giving Back

    Giving back isn’t just giving gifts or donating money or time, it’s also about how much you give yourself; how much you give in service to others, your community, or the environment. It’s also about how well you think of others, your community, or the environment as well as our actions.

    Ask yourself:

    • Do I give as much to myself as I give to others?
    • Is there a balance of giving and receiving in my life?
    • How am I serving my loved ones, my community, and the planet?
    • How do I want to give back, and why?

    Final Thoughts

    Now that you’ve reviewed your current reality you might feel a little uncomfortable. This is a good thing and should be embraced. As I said, facing into where you are is so important, as it represents the starting point from which you can grow. It’s this truth that will set you free. Well done for going there.

    You may also feel a little overwhelmed if you’ve recognized you’re dissatisfied with multiple areas of your life. That’s okay. You don’t need to change everything all at once, or even any time soon. You can start with the one area that feels most pressing and identify one tiny step to create positive change. Then from there, you can take another step. And another until you feel more satisfied in that area of your life and ready to focus on another.

    When I first did this exercise, I realized I didn’t want to continue the way I was living and I wanted things to look different. I knew then that I had a choice. We are at choice all the time.

    By owning up to where you are, you’re already moving forward into your vision. You can now begin to really shift your focus on what you want to change—and then start taking action.

  • Why I Stopped Chasing Money and What I Now Know About Happiness

    Why I Stopped Chasing Money and What I Now Know About Happiness

    “Money is numbers. And numbers never end. If it takes money to be happy, your search for happiness will never end.” ~Bob Marley

    On January 17th, 2020, I lugged the last remaining boxes from my office and sat in my frozen car, stunned at what had come to fruition. The “be careful what you wish for” adage poked me in my tear-filled eyes. I didn’t even try to hold them back… Months of stiff-upper-lipping-it meant the floodgates were now safe to open. Whoosh! 

    No more client meetings. 
    No more financial plans to construct. 
    No more market-fluctuation counseling sessions. 
    No more copious notetaking, proving I had a client’s best interest at heart. 
    No more rigorous compliance audits. No more pleading with underwriters. 
    No more feeling like an imposter.
    And, I hoped, no more stomach-aches.

    It had been a ten-year financial slog to re-acquire my client base in exchange for majority share ownership in the family business. And that decade of payments ended the day I chose to exit stage left. The “house”—if you will—was finally paid for. But it was too late. I was done.

    Guys, who does this?! I mean, who puts in all that time and abandons the rewards right when they’re finally accessible?

    Apparently, I do! As the reality of my situation took hold, I continued to sit in the car like a statue, staring at the door I would never walk through again at will. I had surrendered my key, my clients, and my livelihood. At forty-six years old, I walked away from that little goldmine.

    Some thought I had gone completely bonkers—a midlife crisis unfolding before their curious eyes. “Don’t you still have bills to pay?” “The girls are so young!” “You’re throwing away sixteen years!” But my reasons for leaving will become clear as I outline a few life lessons I’m taking with me on my new path. Most of these insights have come directly from helping my clients.

    Lesson #1: Life is precious. And, short. 

    Insert eye-rolling, and yawn! Yes, we all know this. But do we really? 

    The gift of life is a miracle. That you exist defies all odds—about 1 in 400 trillion, according to Google. While you let that sink in, know that your life also matters. Greatly. And whether you feel the magnitude of that statement yet is immaterial. One day it’ll tap you on the shoulder when you least expect it.

    You were put on this earth to have an impact that only you can have. Because, there is no other you.

    But what if I told you that vast potential could all be wiped away in one catastrophic, single-engine plane crash? You might say, “Nah, I don’t make it a habit of getting in those things!” Or that you’d soon find out you have an inoperable tumor that will rob you of the chance to see your daughter walk down the aisle next year? “Dude. I’m a vegetarian with no family history of Cancer, so stop with the Debbie Downer sh*t.” 

    If this sounds dramatic, I get it. Realistically, we all face life and death at any given moment. The above are the kinds of situations I dealt with all the time in my practice… Walloping, unexpected curveballs that changed everything.

    None of us has sorted out the business of living forever. (Except maybe that Wolverine guy. My twelve-year-old says he kicks ass at immortality!) Yet, some bank on the illusion that if we work tirelessly now, we’ll get to enjoy the good times down the road. You know, like, in retirement.

    This is fool’s thinking!

    My clients showed me the fragility of life. The idea that tomorrow is promised has set us up to live as though we’re in rehearsal, just practicing for the grand event that will eventually be our life. It plays into the “I’ll be happy when” mantra, where we chase an elusive carrot on an ever-turning treadmill. (Only to find we’re going nowhere but around in circles.) We magically expect that once we hit that golden age of retirement, we’ll have made it! Phew! Now, I can really live!

    One time, I delivered a life insurance cheque to a young widow whose husband was taken from her at the precise moment she was on the phone with him. Can you even imagine? His truck literally exploded while they shared a routine conversation. Thanks to this level of extreme perspective, I’ve come to a place where I’m not interested in practicing at life.

    I’m going to live it. Every day, and on my terms. Not on the assumption that tomorrow will stick around and wait for me. Note: even in saying this, I recognize the privilege and know that many people are just trying to survive, let alone thrive.

    Life Lesson #2: You can’t take it with you.

    Some of my clients had more money than they could spend in three lifetimes, but they wouldn’t spend any. The truth is, it gave them a sense of security. Most of these people grew up in a time of austerity or came from parents who served in one of the World Wars. They fought hard for every nickel, and their values around money were simple: accumulate and save. I’m not judging, and I understand where the mentality comes from.

    But added to this was often a desire to leave a legacy to their children and grandchildren. “When I die, I want to leave all this to the kids.” I found it fascinating that these clients were sacrificing so much of themselves, even though they didn’t see it that way. I always believed that money doesn’t mean anything until you trade it for something. Their altruism for the future generation touched me.

    It also bewildered me. I wondered if there wasn’t an opportunity to impact their next-gen-kin while these folks were still young and impressionable? Parcel out bits of that nest egg and play a role in teaching them how to handle money? Or, relieve some of their financial pressure while they duke it out with education, finding jobs, and getting established. It’s not easy being twenty-something today.

    And yet, forget that! What about spending some of it on yourself? Get out there and make a bucket load of memories with the people you love! Put it into the world and watch it come back ten-fold, especially when it’s invested in more than just funds. Which brings me to my next life lesson…

    Life Lesson #3: Diversify your investment portfolio. Make deposits into your Memory Bank. These will pay dividends that can last a lifetime.

    I confess I had a slightly unconventional style when it came to dispensing advice in my financial practice. Sure, I subscribed to the importance of shoring up risk and planning for tomorrow. (None of us wants to eat cat food in retirement!) But you’d never hear me tell a client not to take that trip with their kids just so they could max out retirement contributions.

    Screw. That. Noise.

    Investing is an interesting phenomenon. You dump the energy you’ve earned (that’s money) into something you hope will make it grow. There’s a headache of upfront homework required, including assessing your risk tolerance, understanding what it is you’re investing in, and then paying attention along the way through the ups and downs of market performance. It takes discipline and patience.

    What I think we can all agree on is the end-goal of our investing: to make money on our money. (Let’s not split hairs about feeling good for supporting young entrepreneurs and other social enterprise start-ups. This isn’t about that.)

    But what about investing in your Memory Bank? Is that even a thing? Because if it is, boy does it sound hokey!

    Guys, it’s a real thing. Four years ago, my husband and I came into a bit of money, giving us the privileged opportunity to get thoughtful about what we should do with it. The options were endless— including, but not limited to, fixing our roof (not sexy), topping up our girls’ education funds (boring), or paring our lives down to one backpack each and hitting the road for a South American adventure. Winner, winner; chicken dinner!

    We called ourselves The Traveling Gong Show, because, quite frankly, we were a disaster at the best of times. A family of four: set to bicker and bumble their way through Ecuador and Peru! Our only goals? Slow our lives down, bond hard with the kids, and show them a piece of the world that offers a new cultural perspective. (They were thirteen and eight at the time.) Again, peeps thought we were a little crazy—“Wait, you’re going to be on a bus for fifty-two hours? Are you nuts?!”—but that didn’t stop us.

    I’ll admit that we even wound up taking on a bit of debt by the time the three months were up. See, when you don’t work there’s no income (go figure), and, we didn’t know if we’d ever have another chance like this, so we embraced as many opportunities within reasonable proximity as we could.

    But the money spent was a fair trade-off for all the memories we made… Hiking the Salkantay Trail to Machu Picchu. Dune-buggying in the Peruvian desert. Swimming with sharks in the Galapagos. These investments were far more epic than reading the Fund Facts for a medium-risk growth portfolio! And while it’s true we short-changed an opportunity to save more for their educational future, we actually wound up shaping their lives in ways I couldn’t have dreamed possible.

    Thanks to this experience, my eldest daughter’s goals for her future now include how she could make a difference on a global scale for some of the inequities in the world. Who knew that our bebopping around on a shoestring adventure would inform her budding ideology about life, culture, and social responsibility?

    Life Lesson #4:  A job/career that you don’t like—but one that offers a great pension plan—could equal years of misery.

    I counseled dozens of clients who were hanging on by a loosely woven thread at their jobs. They were miserable, but the carrot at the end of the treadmill was a guaranteed pension. And that does count for something. A lot, these days, in fact.

    As far as lessons go, this one is sensitive. Job security is important. Planning for our futures and self-reliance is important. But churning out eight to twelve hours a day, five to seven days a week at something that kills your soul is not a fair trade for a future life that isn’t guaranteed. At least, not in this girl’s honest opinion.

    Even as I type this, I can think of a number of people I know who are virtually miserable in their places of employment, but they’re banking on that guaranteed pension once they hit the age-factor of retirement.

    And I can speak with some authority on this. These pensions are called Defined Benefit plans. The employer takes on all risk and future income is a combination of years of service, your top five years of earnings, and their own market investment performance. You just have to show up and work. Every day. Until you hit that magic number.

    But pensions like this are concerningly underfunded today, and thus going the way of the dodo bird. People who have access to them (usually those in some sort of civil service) are told over and over how blessed they are.

    And, they are.

    Only, guess what? If you are literally TOILING and only living for tomorrow, you’re not really living now, are you? I know some people in this situation. Fabulous skills. Talent wasted in a job they loathe, but it offers them a better financial tomorrow than they could likely get anywhere else. So, it’s the age-old today, or tomorrow?

    Look, I’m not here to convince you to leave your job. That’s not it. I do believe in challenging the status quo, however. And I believe in remembering that today matters. Today deserves a shot.

    Speaking for myself, after sixteen years as a financial advisor, I could have easily stayed in the career and metaphorically cleaned up. Most established practitioners do extremely well if they have the stick-to-it-iveness for the long game.

    But the trade-off of all this future money, for me, was control. So much of what I thought, valued, and wanted to pursue in my personal life was distilled down to regulatory policies of what was and was not acceptable. And I’m all for regulation –geez, there are crooks and *ssholes out there! The honest guy pays a price, however. Incessant scrutiny. A feeling of Big Brother watching you. It all became a little too much for my free-spirited, ethical self.

    And? There was something else, too. Which leads conveniently into my final life lesson for today.

    Life Lesson #5: Being true to yourself is critical to (genuine) happiness.

    I consider my time as a financial advisor a massive blessing, but it began to feel disingenuous with my soul. I had poured myself into the career through my thirties and early forties, but along the way lost a bit of who I really was.

    There is a much bigger problem at play when you feel like a square peg in a round hole. It can manifest physically, showing up in the form of stomach aches and a chronically watering left eye. (Had this for two years). It’s also a quiet erosion of your spirit—but this is only noticeable when you step completely away from your situation.

    Thankfully, I decided to do something about the growing unease I felt in an industry that had been mostly good to me. Once again, I distilled my belongings down to a backpack and set out on a pilgrimage to gain some clarity.

    For thirty-three days, I put one foot in front of another, following the famed Camino de Santiago trail in Spain, walking a total of 800 km. With each step, I tuned closer into the frequency of my soul, until it was no longer garbled static, but a loud, booming voice: Samantha! You need to make a change in your life! This career is killing you!

    What I discovered was that being true to myself was vital to my growth, my purpose, and the peace I craved. I didn’t want to waste another moment not being the woman I had found on that trail.

    So, what now? There’s a pandemic—cue another curveball—and mass global uncertainty. But I’m choosing to plug away at a new dream, one fueled by passion, not wealth. I remain grateful for all of life’s blessings, and even the struggles. For they have taught me that chasing money and status does not ultimately fill a person’s happiness bucket. And that’s gold to me.

  • When You Dance with Discomfort, Surprising Things Can Happen

    When You Dance with Discomfort, Surprising Things Can Happen

    “I wish for a world where everyone understands that discomfort is the price of legendary. And fear is just growth coming to get you.” ~Robin S. Sharma

    For years, I felt like the most incredible dancer. Whenever I heard music, no matter where I was, I would start moving, at first slowly and then, as the music started to infuse my soul, with increasing abandon. In that moment, I was filled with passion, and I completely let go. It was me and the music—no-one and nothing else. I was in another world.

    When I danced in front of others, I would take great delight and bask in all the applause showered upon me for sharing such a passionate performance. I couldn’t imagine doing anything else. Why would I? Dancing brought so much happiness into my life, and I felt free every time. That’s all I wanted: joy and freedom.

    But, no matter how many times I danced, it always ended in the same way: I would come crashing back down to earth with an almighty thud. You see, it wasn’t real. The dancing, the applause, the joy and freedom I felt; it was all a figment of my imagination. It had been going on for over five long years.

    The truth is, I wanted to dance not just in my head but for real. I wanted to take classes and learn to dance to the best of my ability, but I was too scared. I was scared of being ‘past it.’

    I believed that no-one my age took dance classes, or at the very least, only a few. And I didn’t like the idea of being the oldest in the class trying to keep up with the younger ones and only managing to look like some fool.

    But my desire to dance eventually overtook any fears I had. It’s as if the desire took on a life of its own, and the more I dreamt about dancing, the stronger my desire burned, until the point where it burned so strongly that it finally set my fear alight.

    And with my fear going up in flames, the ongoing thoughts that had such a hold on me weakened, and I found myself scanning websites for classes in my area. Finally, after all those years of being held back by fear, I booked myself onto a course. I was finally going to dance for real.

    I never expected to step into the studio and dance in the same way I danced in my head. I was a complete beginner after all. I certainly harbored a secret desire to pick up my chosen dance style effortlessly and without making barely any mistakes but of course, that didn’t happen.

    My perfectionist side reared its head often. I knew I had a long way to go and that I would make many mistakes but still, I wanted to dance properly, and I wanted instant gratification. My understanding that it would take time and my inner ‘Ms Perfection’ clashed greatly, but I kept going.

    Watching the other students in my class and falling into the comparison trap didn’t help. Even though it was a complete beginners’ class, everyone had different abilities. Some stumbled a lot, others seemed to pick everything up without having to think about it, or so it seemed, and still others looked as though they may have had some previous dance experience, perhaps in a different style.

    I would look at them and often wish I could be like them, but that was usually when I believed I wasn’t progressing quickly enough. That would lead to me becoming increasingly angry with myself and spoiling my own enjoyment of the very thing I had been wanting to do for years.

    The one thing I was relieved about the most, however, was not being the oldest, which happened only once and even then, it didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would.

    So there I was, fully immersed in my weekly dance class and loving every moment, when I wasn’t getting frustrated with myself, and all I could think about was other classes I could join. I never for one second imagined that there would be a bonus to following my heart’s desire, and I never expected to want to push myself further.

    As for the final surprise before the year’s end, I never would have thought it could have been possible. I thought that was it; I busted through my dancing fear—or rather, my desire engulfed my fears on my behalf—and I was happy.

    The bonus came in the form of a clearer mind, which makes sense, considering that I no longer spent hours stuck in my head dancing and then constantly thinking and worrying about why I couldn’t do it for real.

    And then, because I felt the need to stretch myself a little further, a few months down the line, I found myself enrolled on a drama course. Me, taking drama classes. It was, in fact, a course for the more quiet person, so although it was a slightly adapted version of what you might consider a traditional drama class, I did it, and it was a big deal for me.

    But the biggest surprise was quitting refined sugar. I always had a slight sweet tooth, but after thirty days of being on a wheat-, grain-, dairy- and sugar-free program, I didn’t want to go back.

    I was proud of the fact that I managed thirty days without sugar and wanted to continue, even if it were simply to see how long I could keep going. And to this day, nearly four years later, I’m still added-sugar-free and don’t feel the need to change anything. All this, I believe, came from honoring my soul’s calling.

    Would I have taken a drama class if I had never initially taken dance classes? I don’t think so. Would I have started a thirty-day wheat-, grain-, dairy- and sugar-free programme and continued with my added-sugar-free life? I don’t believe so. Why? Because dancing led to me wanting to grow in other areas. I was already expressing myself through dance, so wanting to improve how I expressed myself verbally followed.

    Because I was feeling good about the exercise I was getting each week through dance, I wanted to focus on my health even more. It now scares me to think what would have happened had I not ‘got over myself.’ I would have remained stuck in my head, pretending.

    I would never have given drama classes a second thought, and I probably would have kept on eating more refined, sugary foods than I had wanted, experiencing the uncomfortable sugar highs and lows. I’m overjoyed that I allowed my desire to take over and help me to ignore my fears of taking dance classes. So here’s to following our soul’s calling and allowing it to enrich our lives.

  • Master Peace Box: Meditation-Infused Art Classes, Delivered Monthly

    Master Peace Box: Meditation-Infused Art Classes, Delivered Monthly

    Do you ever read about other people’s creative hobbies and think, “Man, that sounds like a lot of fun”? Do you ever look through creative Pinterest pages and think, “You know, I bet I could do that”?

    There’s something about art that instantly evokes a feeling of joy and relaxation—or at least it does for me. Maybe it’s memories of carefree childhood afternoons spent creating Lego houses and playdough sculptures. Or maybe it’s the fantasy of being an artsy kind of person—eccentric, free-spirited, and driven by passion and awe.

    Whatever your personal draw, there’s one thing we have in common, us aspiring amateur artists: We love the idea of being creatively zenned out, and we’re always excited for an opportunity to get lost in a state of fun and flow.

    If this sounds like you, you’re gonna love the Master Peace Box. I know I do! What is this box I speak of?

    The Master Peace Box

    Each month, you’ll receive a box of supplies that pairs with their monthly art and meditation classes. You’ll learn from expert artists, work with different curated mediums, and enjoy a moment of closing bliss from a renowned mediation guide. All skill levels are welcome! As a bonus, all boxes come with self-care products to enhance our holistic wellness and mindful living beyond the monthly event.

    “It’s like MasterClass and Headspace somehow gave birth to an art studio… l love it so much!” 

    Their August box launch event will be an acrylic class to teach you the fundamentals of painting a human eye, taught by LA portrait artist Devin Wesley.

    Devin works with black and white paint only, so you’ll learn shading techniques and more acrylic best practices without diving into color theory (great for any experience level).

    This class will incorporate a guided meditation on balancing energy/ yin & yang by certified meditation teacher Laurasia Mattingly. Bonus self-care products include: a gratitude journal, candle, palo santo, crystal infused bath bomb, and more.

    The Master Peace Box Mission

    Their mission is to inspire joy and peace through creativity, insight, and community.

    They connect like-minded conscious creatives to experts (via classes), themselves (via meditation), and others (via Zoom opportunities to meet, chat, or share creations with other attendees in a no-pressure environment).

    How Master Peace Box Came to Be

    Founder Michael Gallagher was always drawn to art and felt a strong pull to meditation, which particularly helped him through his deepest difficulties. He started to realize that when he created art, the chaos of the world and of his mind (his biggest challenge) always seemed to still, even if just a little bit. He wanted to create something to share this feel-good hack with others, all while learning to reconnect with his love of art in the process.

    “When we create, we can hear our inner critic a little more easily. We, therefore, can practice redirecting the judging or evaluating energy that pulls us out of the moment. When we do this, we start to come more fully into the now, and into a deeper experiential awareness that thoughts just come into our mind. This realization helps us to separate from our thinking in order to get to our deeper, more enduring self. The benefits extend beyond creating; we learn to appreciate our unique expressions and qualities, to detach from criticism (and praise), and to come to peace with what is.”

    I think that’s what we’re all looking for—a break from the constant chatter in our minds and a chance to feel fully present and alive. Creativity can be the path to that kind of bliss and peace, regardless of our skill level. And the beautiful thing is that we can create anywhere, at any time with a little guidance and the right supplies.

    How to Get the Master Peace Box

    You have multiple options to get started with Master Peace Box:

    1. Join for a monthly box
    2. Try a one-time class with all supplies and bonus products
    3. Try a class for two (date night)
    4. Drop-in to the Zoom class with your own art supplies (link access only)

    As an extra bonus, monthly subscribers get additional access to exclusive virtual wellness events and giveaways.

    The first 15 people to redeem this coupon code (good till August 7th) will get 15% off:

    TB15

    If you’re reading this after those codes have been redeemed, no worries! You can still get 10% off (also good till August 7th) using this unlimited coupon code:

    TB10

    —

    I don’t know about you, but I’m happiest when I think less and do more—when I stop making excuses to keep doing what I’ve always done and say yes to the things I’ve always wanted to try.

    If you too want to get out of your head and get into your heart—and get a little paint on your hands in the process—I highly recommended giving Master Peace Box a try. You can sign up just for August or jump right in to the monthly membership. Either way, I have a feeling you’re gonna love it!

     

    *Learn more about this month’s instructors, Devin and Laurasia.

    **Though this is a sponsored post, you can trust I only promote products I love and can easily personally recommend!

  • 7 Awesome Things That Happened When I Started Surfing at 55

    7 Awesome Things That Happened When I Started Surfing at 55

    “It’s never too late for a new beginning in your life.” ~Joyce Meyer

    I sat on the beach, watching the sandpipers skittering back and forth, pecking at the water’s edge. A dead horseshoe crab washed back and forth in the surf.

    Finished at fifty-five, I thought. I’m as useless as that poor crab.

    Several years ago I was laid off after thirty-three years at a Fortune 500 company. “Workforce rebalancing” was the term they used, but for me it simply meant a month’s severance pay and colleagues solemnly shaking my hand. Hand over your badge… there’s the door, good luck.

    Much of my identity and self-worth had been invested in my career. I had received awards and affirmation from managers and peers. I was the “go-to” person for answers. I helped shape company policy. To be summarily ejected was jarring and unsettling, like being on a spacewalk and having your lifeline cut.

    So I had retreated to my happy place, the beach. Being by the water, watching the endless waves, the wheeling gulls, always had a calming effect on me. But this time was different; I felt unfulfilled, restless. Something was missing.

    A plane droned by, pulling a banner ad: “Learn to surf—North End Surf Shop.”

    Perhaps it was some sort of reactionary thing to being given the boot, but suddenly the idea of surfing seemed very intriguing. Why not? I had body surfed. I had ridden a boogie board. What would it be like to ride a surfboard? I had seen kids doing it. Could I do it at fifty-five? 

    Before my saner side prevailed, I drove to the surf shop. I went inside and a kid about seventeen was behind the counter. Here was the quintessential surfer: long blond hair, deeply tanned with a Hawaiian shirt. “Hey,” he said amiably.

    I said I wanted to take a surf lesson. He looked at me for a long moment and seemed on the serge of saying something. “Sure,” he was all he finally said. I filled out some paperwork, noting the release of liability form, and he handed me a waterproof shirt. “Just go out there,” he said, indicating the back door. “They’re just starting.”

    As I approached the class, pulling on my shirt, the instructors and students looked at me with curiosity. Some of the kids said stuff behind their hands. What was I doing? I was easily thirty years older than the oldest student. I was in pretty good shape, but I had some stiffness and aches and nowhere near as spry and agile as these kids.

    We learned the basics on the beach—how to lay on the board, how to paddle, how to pop up (jump from a prone to a squatting position). I noticed the kids were much better than me at the pop up.

    I learned that there were better times to surf depending on the tides and wind. The sea was fairly calm that day with waves about waist high. We all entered the water.

    I laid on my board and my instructor, Blake, towed me out. Our boards were the “soft top” variety, made of soft foam, nine feet long, three fins and internal stiffeners. They were not as hard as the standard fiberglass surfboard, and safer in the event of a wipeout.

    We stopped when we were about 100 yards out. Blake was treading water and the waves seemed much bigger on the board than they did from the beach. I pushed the theme from Jaws out of my head.

    “Okay,” Blake said. “When a wave comes, I’m gonna push you. I want you to paddle as hard as you can. When you feel the wave has you, pop up. OK?”

    “OK,” I said, sounding more confident than I felt.

    Blake held the board as several waves raised, then lowered me. Too big, or too small. ““OK,” Blake said. “Here comes one. Get ready…OK…ready? Here goes! Paddle!” He shoved me and the board lurched forward.

    I began paddling, holding my head up as I had been shown. Back and forth, one side, then the other. Blake shouted encouragement from behind me. “Dig, dig, dig!” he yelled. “Paddle! Paddle!”

    I felt the wave catch me and I popped up. But something was wrong–the nose of the board was dropping. It dug into the water and I flew forward, landing on my face. I flipped the board over, and paddled back out to Blake.

    “Hey no worries,” he said. “We call that pearling. You were too far forward. It’s a common beginner mistake.”

    We tried several more times, with several more episodes of pearling, as well as missing the wave, falling off the board, or blowing the popup. I began to feel frustrated, foolish. I should be back sitting with the dead crab, not out here with a bunch of teenagers who by now were popping up and yelling to each other.

    Finally, a wave came and everything fell into place. I popped up, wobbled, almost lost my balance…. but suddenly I was standing on my board.

    In an instant I became acutely aware of all that was going on around me: The wave breaking beneath my board; me, standing, moving with the wave. The beach, far off, beyond the tops of other waves. The offshore wind blowing spray off the wave crests.

    Blake was faintly shouting encouragement far behind me. It was a feeling unlike anything I had ever experienced, as though all me senses were suddenly heightened. My peripheral vision seemed acutely sharp; I was aware of all the was happening around me.

    Oh man, I thought. This is AWESOME. Why didn’t I try this sooner?

    In the time left in my lesson, I screwed up many more times, but I also stood a few times as well, with the same feeling. I was hooked. Surfing was simply the most fun thing I had ever done.

    Since that day, I have bought my own board, taken several more lessons, and am getting better each time I go out. Surfing has changed my lifestyle in a number of ways.

    1. Surfing got me back into the gym.

    To be a good surfer, you need good core strength as well as strong quads, chest, arm and upper back muscles. These are all essential to paddle, do the pop up, and support yourself once you’re standing.

    I went to my gym after a long absence and asked about developing a program specifically tailored for my new passion. One of the staff reviewed some YouTube clips I sent. He saw how people did it and took particular note of the pop up. He customized a routine for me.

    The popup is the hardest part. You’re supposed to start laying prone with your hands next to your chest. You push yourself up and bring your dominant foot between your hands and leave your other foot further back. Once stabilized, you rise up. When you become proficient, you do this in one seamless motion.

    2. My surfing workout gave my workout purpose.

    My routine had me grunting, doing pushups on a bosu ball to develop stability and my triceps. Lunges helped build quads, I focused on my back with the pull-down latte. There was a machine for my delts. I had to set the beginning weight at a level I’m embarrassed to report, but gradually increased it as I gained strength.

    None of it was easy, none of it was fun. But I found there’s a world of difference between simply exercising and exercising for a purpose. Every pushup, every lunge, every grunt meant that my next time in the water would make my experience that much better. It made all the difference in the world.

    3. Yoga? Surely you jest.

    No, seriously. Blake had recommended taking yoga for flexibility and balance. I realized if I was ever gonna plant my foot at the centerline, I needed flexibility: Hamstrings, hip flexors, quads. There was a class offered at my gym. My first class was not unlike my surfing lesson.

    We started out with downward dog. Being a complete novice, I had no idea what this meant. I watched the instructor and the people around me. Geez… that guy’s head is much lower than mine… my legs are bent. The instructor gently speaks: Now let’s go into pigeon. Now plank. Wait, what? I was hopelessly lost

    I studied the poses on YouTube. By the next class, I was able to keep up…. sort of. Gradually, eventually, I could move with the class and from there, I concentrated on doing the positions correctly to gain greatest flexibility and balance.

    4. Eating junk food does not help me advance as a surfer.

    I had noticed at North End that Blake and all the other surfing instructors were all munching on apples, nuts, trail mix. As I researched how to advance in my new passion, I learned the importance of a healthy diet. Protein, obviously, to help build muscle mass, but also lots of fruits and veggies.

    My goal was to advance to the seamless popup, which required an explosive push up… enough air to swing your feet under your chest and waist in the blink of an eye. Twinkies, my beloved Bavarian cream donuts, Oreos—they all had to go.

    I found the surfer’s diet wheel that outlined the best balance of veggies, protein, carbs, fruits and so forth. I changed my diet accordingly. Result: More stamina when paddling to get out past where the waves were breaking, quicker turns when I saw a wave coming. Better shape out of the water as well.

    5. Surfing gives me a sense of community.

    Like any sport, surfing has rules. Safety: Know your limits, don’t surf alone. Equipment: Use the board that’s right for you and/or the wave conditions. Etiquette: Don’t be a wave hog and take off on a wave when the person next to you was waiting longer and it was his or her turn.

    Ignore the rules and risk being known as a “kook” and shunned by the locals. Know the rules, and you’re generally accepted. After a while, you can tell who’s out by their boards and/or their style: How they pop up, how they turn, if they are regular or goofy foot.

    Waiting out past where the waves break, bobbing up and down—this is known as the line up. As you’re waiting for the right wave, it’s generally acceptable to engage in small talk. It’s understood that conversation may suddenly be broken off if your companion sees a choice swell coming.

    In and out of the water, if you’re there enough, you develop friendships. The better surfers are usually very helpful in helping you advance, providing tips and tricks to get you past rough spots.

    6. Surfing builds my self-confidence.

    Surfing presents the challenges of wave selection, timing, and proper paddling. Ideally, your wave will just be rising into a hump, you start to paddle and by the time it breaks, you’re standing. However, sometimes the wave is “pitchy”—it breaks quickly—and it’s almost cresting when it reaches you.

    You need to make a split-second decision: Do I go for it…or let it go? Most of the time, the beginning surfer says no way, paddles backward, and the wave continues by in a thundering break.

    Going for it requires nerves and commitment. Once you start paddling, there’s no turning back. You need to paddle hard, and taking off on the face of even a smallish wave as the board is tilting down can be hair raising.

    The natural inclination is safety—hell no, I’m not taking this wave. But you need to just go for it, eschew self-preservation, ignore the internal voices that scream Nooo!      

    Once you’ve taken the plunge, the exhilaration of not besting nature, but working with it, being a part of the wave is phenomenal. That moment, that abandonment of reason, is addicting.

    7. Surfing fosters spirituality.

    It’s difficult to be anxious, stressed, or depressed when you surf. A good diet and regular exercise are natural mood boosters and the self-confidence that the sport builds are great good stress busters.

    For me, there’s something about the ocean that is extraordinarily calming. It’s a gigantic emotional sponge that sucks all away all my negativity. I’ve had awesome conversations with God while sitting out in the lineup, gently moving up and down with the waves, looking at the far-off beach. Sometimes dolphins swim by so closely you can hear and see the spray from their blowhole.

    * * * *

    For me, the pivotal moment was seeing the banner ad on the plane as I sat on the beach. I had two choices at that point: Wistfully watch the plane disappear out of sight; or act, take a leap of faith, risk embarrassment but try something new, something challenging.

    I’m glad I chose the latter. At the time, I didn’t know if I would be successful. I really doubted it. All I knew was I had to try. Now I have a new circle of friends who share a common passion. I’m in better shape, I’m less stressed, and I’m in the zone when I’m bobbing up and down waiting for my next wave.

    “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do,” said Mark Twain. “So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

    Dream. What could be your thing?

  • Stop Striving, Start Stopping: How to Enjoy Life More

    Stop Striving, Start Stopping: How to Enjoy Life More

    “Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.” ~Andy Rooney

    Three months ago, I was blessed with an awesome opportunity—a free weekend break to Snowdonia, Wales.

    Having experienced chronic health conditions for the past six years of my life, I had been hibernating.

    My days were a black-and-white routine: wake up, drink a smoothie mix, go to work, meditate, come home, lie down, eat, sleep. Yet, my mind was always so busy filled with endless tasks, big dreams, and an expanding sense of pressure as I craved more than what I had.

    When this opportunity arose. I immediately felt fear. What if I couldn’t handle the journey? What if I didn’t get enough sleep? What if I couldn’t find food that I could tolerate?

    Yet, another part of me glittered with gold.

    An adventure. A story. A long lost, forgotten part of me.

    And so, I called a friend.

    The next morning, we were on our way to Wales.

    The seven-hour journey flew by in an ultimate sense of flow.

    We arrived at a quaint, quiet hostel high up on the hills. Sheep scattered their white wool; tiny snowdrops on a vast, barren land. A grey sky painted watercolor clouds, and deep, green trees sang and swayed as they gave way to the wind.

    We sat quietly and observed. High ceilings and red carpets held the space of silence. The wind outside howled and stormed, brewed and bawled, concocting a frenzied feast for the night.

    We drifted off to sleep in our new world. A no man’s land, which oddly felt like home.

    We rose the next morning, with no clear plan but to simply wake and see where the wind would take us. Our eye lashes fluttered as we peered outside to see what surprises the storm had scattered and sown for us.

    We chose to drive around the winding hills of wanderlust, each corner revealing yet another crystal blue lagoon, laced with grey slate and white sheets of snow.

    We parked the car on the left-hand side of the road and looked up in appreciation. Our eyes glistened at the sight of rolling green fields, rusty iron gates, and trickling rivers gently cradled by bracken and boulders. A tiny, snow covered peak painted delicately, precariously and prettily, just waiting to be explored.

    And so, we walked.

    We walked and we walked and saw a lonely red hat, left and long forgotten. My boots stampeded the squelchy mud mashed with fresh fallen snow. We marched on.

    I was determined to reach the top.

    One hour into our climb I squealed with delight, “Look, we’re nearly there!”

    “No,” he said. “That’s just the beginning.”

    And he was right.

    As we reached what I had thought was our peak, another higher, rockier, snowier mountain suddenly arose before our eyes.

    “Oh,” I said.

    And so, we continued to climb for hours and hours.

    Much to my surprise, with every peak we reached, yet another one revealed itself. Each with its own intricate beauties—blue laced lagoons; pretty white blankets of pure, untrodden snow; higher heights with a dazzling white glow.

    Three hours in, I finally realized my drive to reach each new peak was limiting my boundless joy.

    The joy of climbing, the joy of tumbling. The joy of dancing, the joy of being.

    The joy of appreciating, the here, the now, the moment.

    I stopped and turned.

    “I think that’s enough,” I said.

    For once in my life. I didn’t want to reach the top. I didn’t want to conquer the next big challenge. I wanted to stop. I wanted to breathe. I wanted to play.

    And so, we breathed.

    We filled our pale pink lungs with cold, crisp air as we slipped and slid on sheets of ice. We looked at the highest height and laughed. We didn’t need to reach the top. What did we have to prove?

    We had it all right here.

    And so, we made our descent.

    Slowly, lovingly, and longingly.

    Appreciating every layer as if it were the last.

    But this time, we didn’t just walk and walk and walk. We climbed, we ran, we hopped, we danced. We rolled, we sunk, we stepped, and we laughed.

    The blue laced lagoons became sheer slate drops. The pretty white blankets became sludgy stained snow. The dazzling white glow dissolved into a land of green, bracken grass.

    And it was all simply perfect.

    We rolled down our final descent and laughed as we realized that in a land of a thousand acres, we had found the exact lonely red hat that had greeted us at the start.

    We crept through the creaking iron gate and sat on a piece of solid, set stone.

    And for the first time, I knew.

    That the next big thing, the next best thing, the next mountaintop would always be ahead of us. And I realized how much of my life I had wasted. Wanting, waiting, striving. When all there ever really was, was really right here.

    And in the right here, right now, everything was good.

    No matter what the view.

    There was always something to celebrate.

    Every layer of our life is worth living.

    Returning home from this trip, I reflected on my drive, my ambition, my constant search for success. And I realized, this search was, in fact, fueling an unsustainable state of health. On those vast lands, of everything and nothing, I had felt more energized, more free, and more in flow than I had in six long years. For the first time, I felt alive.

    And so, I hope this story inspires you to simply stop striving. For this pattern has tainted so much of my beautiful life here on earth. Stopping the striving, and the endless soul searching, leaves space for our inner peace, our inner flow, our inner glow.

    The mountains will always call us. Higher heights will always tempt us. Newer sights will always blind us. Yet, we have a choice. The choice to sacrifice our present for a future that may never come. Or to lovingly embrace our present as if it’s the only thing we know for sure we have—because it is.

  • When Happiness Hurts: How I Stopped Sabotaging Myself

    When Happiness Hurts: How I Stopped Sabotaging Myself

    “Disneyland is the star, everything else is the supporting role.” ~Walt Disney

    “Just having a quick shower, I’ll text you before I leave x”

    I’d received that text only ten minutes ago, so what the hell was wrong with me?

    There I was standing in my kitchen like a mad woman, having a panic attack. My mind was in a frenzy with thoughts like “Does he even like me?” and “What if he doesn’t show?”  and I was crying uncontrollably. I hated myself for feeling like this. I’d ruined my makeup and gotten myself into a state over nothing.

    Half-hour later he showed up and everything was fine. We had a lovely afternoon and evening together. Everything went well, better actually than I’d expected, and I was really happy.

    He was a lovely guy.

    But I knew that wasn’t the end of it. Those thoughts and anxiety would come back to get me with a vengeance at some point… probably before seeing him again.

    Why did I keep falling victim to these cruel trails of thought that wanted to relentlessly punish me with their horror stories? Because all it was doing was causing me to run away from opportunities of real happiness.

    Either that or transform people into monsters through my own negative projections. No matter what, the ending was always the same. Which in turn affirmed my fears and strengthened my sabotaging beliefs about the world and most of all, myself.

    It was becoming crystal clear that happiness was too much for me to handle… because I had no idea what to do with it.

    You see, I’d developed a fear of happiness at a very young age.

    My earliest memory was being at my Nan’s (a place I loved more than anywhere else) and her teaching me how to slide down the stairs on my bum.

    I also remember getting really frightened and hiding when my aunt shouted at her and my grandad, sometimes getting physically violent. Then my aunt would not speak to anyone for hours. Heavy tension would descend upon the household, and I would sit on the same stairs crying and apologizing outside my aunt’s bedroom door, not even sure what I’d done wrong.

    At home, I remember sitting in my bedroom frequently listening to my parents arguing downstairs. I remember my mum shouting at my dad and then in the years to come, my mum being shouted at by my stepdad. Wherever I went there, there was always some sort of drama.

    I got used to it very quickly though. My coping mechanism was to retreat, keep my head down, and pretend it wasn’t happening. I would talk to my cuddly toys, turn the TV up, or bury my nose in a book. Those were my escapisms while unpredictability, insecurity, and apprehension became a way of life.

    It also became second nature for me to expect that any kind of comfort or glimpse of happiness could be taken away from me in the blink of an eye.

    As I got older I became my own worst enemy, repeating the same story with jobs and relationships, always waiting for the other shoe to drop and ultimately sabotaging them with my fear. I wasn’t even comfortable with physical wellness, so I jeopardized my health with bulimia nervosa, binge drinking, and drug taking.

    I became stuck in a push-pull dynamic. I longed for stability, but any prolonged sense of well-being scared me. It went against the grain of everything I’d become accustomed to as a child. So, I would deliberately do something to destroy it and stick to the storyline I knew all too well.

    After years of personal development and spiritual growth, though, this on/off, up/down way of living became intolerable. And although it’s easy to blame others, I can see how my parents became stuck in their own negative stories of disappointment and defensiveness. We can’t teach others what we ourselves don’t know.

    It’s tempting to regurgitate to people, “Well, I had a hard upbringing, and I’ve been in a series of abusive relationships and so on,” but guess what? That’s not the story I want for myself anymore.

    I’m ready for a brand new story and a whole new genre. And it’s called peace and happiness. This is the script I’m now in the process of writing for myself and will pass on to any children I may have. 

    For those of us who were taught to expect chaos and conflict, it can be difficult to understand the difference between happiness and hardship.

    Admittedly, I’ve spent a lot of time going back and forth saying yes to stress (in the form of abusive men and unobtainable goals) while procrastinating over simple actions I knew would make all the difference to my well-being.

    I’ve looked for problems where there haven’t been any, and I’ve ignored the ones staring me in the face. I’ve placed myself in stupid situations and then lost my temper with the people around me. I’ve acted out of habit rather than listening to my own intuition telling me to walk away or do something different.

    Through re-parenting myself and reflecting on all of these so called “mistakes,” I’ve  grown by leaps and bounds.

    I’ve come to understand that I never had any love taken away from me because of something I’d done wrong. I’d just adopted that particular storyline, which in turn made me feel vulnerable and frightened when anything good entered my life.

    It’s this awareness that has helped me make peace with my childhood, forgive my parents, and let go of the resentment and blame. Toward them and even more so, toward myself.

    Through the natural ebb and flow of daily life I’ve managed to find stability and balance within me. Call it a cliché, but there’s a reason why self-love is emphasized in the world of personal growth.

    My relationship with myself has become one based on trust, respect, nurturing, compassion and encouragement. A relationship where I’ll I say to myself, “You’ve worked hard today, have the night off, Holly. It’s okay to relax”

    I’m now able to look into my own eyes in the mirror and ask myself, “What do you need right now? What can I do to make you feel better?” and say, “You know what, I’m really proud of you for taking action and making that decision.”

    I also allow myself to feel the anxiety and unworthiness when they hit me without getting angry and frustrated. Instead, I hold myself in a space of love and safety, allowing all the scary thoughts and emotions to dissipate of their own accord.

    That is true power and strength, and through practice, it gets easier. Trust me, it does.

    Because the rewards speak for themselves. In the form of relief, light heartedness, and periods of tranquillity, which in time become longer and longer.

    The temptation to rummage around in my cupboards at 11pm for biscuits and crisps or drink an entire bottle of Shiraz and chain smoke until my lungs hurt no longer seems as appealing as it once did.

    Instead, a relaxing bubble bath, a yoga nidra practice before bed, or a coastal walk beckons to me— and I go. Things that once upon a time I would have labeled as boring.

    What I’m fully embracing now is fun and freedom. Giving myself permission to laugh and be silly, taking the time to be present and not worry about the future. And instead of looking for potential problems, I seek out the buried treasure that lies in wait—in every possible outcome, knowing that no matter what I’m going to be okay.

    As easy as this may all sound in theory, the most important thing I want you to take away from my story is this…

    There is no final destination or “happy ending.” There is only evolution, expansion, and growth. We can spend our lives chasing happiness and emotional fulfillment, or we can actually allow and experience them, in the here and now.

    We can think of happiness as something to struggle for and obtain, and then worry about losing if we feel we’ve gotten close, or we can think of it as a series of choices we make daily—starting with the most important choice:

    Do we believe it’s safe to let go and feel happy, or do we keep telling ourselves the same story about potential disappointment?

    True happiness and success come from understanding that right now is the only thing that matters—the thoughts you are thinking, the words you are speaking, the actions you are taking.

    You are creating your story for yourself right now in this moment. And you can change the script, the storyline, and the genre anytime you like. You can assign yourself the role you aspire to be and actually become it. You don’t have to wait for someone else or some other external condition to make that decision for you. 

    Riding off into the sunset with your soulmate and a treasure chest may be farfetched, but love, hope, and excitement for life doesn’t have to be. As my Nan used to say to me, “Life’s what you make it.”

    Your life can be whatever you want it to be.

    So all the tears and heartache, see them as medals and badges you’ve earned. See them as success stories depicting strength of character and faith, because it’s those attributes that have brought you to where you now stand. They are the invaluable assets that you can depend upon to carry you wherever you wish to go next.

    You are the writer and the illustrator of your own story, so make it a good one.

    Not for others to talk about and applaud you for, but for you to honor and be proud of. One that you can pause and reflect on whenever you struggle, and bask in as brand new exciting chapters unfold.

    As Walt Disney said, “Disneyland is the star, everything else is the supporting role.”

    You are the star who brings your story to life. So see this moment as a blank page for you to make your mark on in whatever way you choose. Because that is the only power you ever really have.

    And in truth, it’s the only one you’ll ever need.

  • How Are You Trading Your Time, Energy and Life?

    How Are You Trading Your Time, Energy and Life?

    “The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.” ~Henry David Thoreau

    We all make trades in life.

    We trade our time. We trade our energy. We trade our hard-earned money. We trade our attention.

    Many of us move through life in constant motion, never stopping to reflect on where that motion is taking us. If it’s helping or hindering us. If the trades we are making daily are letting us live our best lives. If the trades are giving us more quality time with those we care about most. If we can turn up for them fully engaged, energized, and enthused.

    Or are we turning up for them tired, distracted, and frustrated?

    The trades we make in life take a toll on us physically, mentally, and emotionally.

    Trading My Time, Energy, and Enthusiasm for Status and a Corner Office

    Like many of us, I spent part of my life chasing the corporate dream. You know the stuff—more money, more responsibility, catchy job title, more kudos.

    But an interesting thing happened along the way. With each new pay hike there was always someone earning more. Each job title change got stale quickly. More responsibility often came with a lot more headache and often more politics (something I have a low tolerance for). Progress never really felt like progress for long. I always felt like I was hitting a glass ceiling.

    I noticed these feelings and wanted to understand them, so some personal reflection and introspection followed. I came to I realize I felt this way because I was pursuing things I thought I should chase rather than things I really wanted to chase. A simple but powerful distinction.

    The corporate grind, hustle, and ‘networking your way to the top’ is a well-established path, but It’s also someone else’s path. It never really fit for me, and the deeper within a corporate machine I tried to embed myself, the more I realized I was seeking something else. More than that, I needed something else. This model was always going to be an ill fit for me.

    So, this is the part where I tell you I decided to chase my dreams and live off my ‘passion project.’  Well, not exactly.

    I make the decision to set myself up as a company of one, me. No longer would I have to wait years for a ‘directorship’; I was now director of my own ship. Thankfully, I have a skillset and experience that others find valuable and have been able to make a living since (nearly ten years as I write this).

    This time hasn’t all been champagne and roses. I’ve had some very barren periods where I thought I might need a new plan. Countering that, I have also had very rich periods full of rewarding work, clients, and healthy paychecks.

    Is this my job a dream job? No. There are other potentially more fun ways to earn my living (writing full time, for example). And knowing that you must find your own work focuses the mind and is inherent with a degree of risk, so it’s definitely not for everyone. You also need thick skin for this line of work.

    However, my work does give me a degree of freedom and flexibility that I really appreciate (allowing me to take off and travel for long periods for example). Within reason, I get to decide the work I say yes to. I also rarely have to be in the office ‘showing my face’ and punching a clock day in day out. I can work from home, from a coffee shop, or somewhere else. My output gets measured, not how often people see me in the office.

    These aspects (freedom and flexibility) are particularly important to me. More so than job titles and corner offices.

    My work provides me an intellectual challenge that I appreciate. And occasionally, I get to work with some very cool people, learn lots, and make some meaningful change.

    There can be gaps between clients and projects at times, but when I am engaged, I earn well (by most people’s standards). This pays for the adventures and travel, so is enough for me while also being a fair price for the people I work with.

    To be clear, there’s also nothing wrong with working for others. In fact, whether you work directly for a corporate entity (employee) or are self-employed (like me), we are all serving someone. We are not all carved out to be entrepreneurs or self-employed, and that’s okay. Find your own fit and embrace it I say. There are many ways for us to earn our living.

    My point is that I am aware of my trades and I am mostly happy to make them. If that changes, I will need to make a new plan.

    Broader Lessons

    While my example involves becoming a company of one, to support the way I want to live my life, that may be the opposite of where you are and what you need.

    Your trades might be aligned to finding a corporate job where you get a paycheck and pension and someone else finds the work. That’s fine, your trades need to be trades you are willing to make.

    What I am advocating is that we have an awareness of the trades we are making in life. That we become aware of where we are spending our energy, time, and efforts. Essentially, aware of where we are spending ourselves.

    This is a powerful prism through which we can objectively view everything we do.

    Yes, sometimes we will have to make trades that may not be our first choice, but we can do so intentionally. Realizing there is a greater good or longer-term goal in play.

    Equally, we may realize we are making trades we would rather not, trades that are taking more from us than they are giving back, and we can then take action accordingly.

    Questions We Can Ask Ourselves

    We can keep the trades we are making front and center in our minds by asking some simple but searching questions of ourselves.

    Are the trades we are making worth the energy/time/effort/money we are spending on them? Are we likely to see a return on our investment?

    Are the trades we are making helping us get closer to our goals?

    Are the trades we are making beneficial to our relationships? Are we present and available for the people we care about most?

    Are the trades we are making leaving us energized?

    Are the trades we are making aligned with our moral code?

    Are the trades we are making giving us the best chance of living a good life?

    If not, maybe we should be making different trades.

    Be aware of where you are making trades in your life. Make them selectively. Give them your full attention and handle them with the care they deserve.

  • How I Found the Secret to Happiness in the Jungle

    How I Found the Secret to Happiness in the Jungle

    “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

    I’d like to bring it one step further and say, “Happiness is when what you feel, what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”

    Some people may argue that there is no need to add in “what you feel,” but I think there is. There is a difference between feeling and thinking.

    For example, I thought I wanted to be a travel writer, I said I was going to be a travel writer, and I did travel writing. By definition I should have been happy. But I wasn’t.

    Deep down I didn’t really want to be a travel writer, and my heart knew it. I liked writing and I liked traveling, and my thinking brain put the two together to come up with a career.

    Last October I flew to Mexico with three of my best mates. I had a writing gig in my back pocket and I also had my own personal blog, which I planned to keep updated. We would be spending three months traveling from Mexico all the way to Costa Rica, so I was sure to have plenty of material to write about.

    But only two weeks into the trip, I realized I didn’t like having to write about my travels, especially while I was still traveling. I much preferred immersing myself in the experiences rather than having to constantly step back from them to analyze each experience and write about it.

    It felt forced and unnatural. There was too much structure and not enough time to let thoughts simmer in my mind in order to make distinct connections. Another downside was that I would need to spend time alone in cafés each morning to write.

    This often led me to miss out on other great things that my friends were doing. While we were in Guatemala, I even missed the chance to see a jaguar in a local sanctuary, one sight I had been really hoping to experience.

    I soon gave up on travel writing and any efforts at blogging while I was traveling. I knew there would be plenty of time to write when I got home after I had time to digest it all.

    I realized that just because something makes sense in my head, doesn’t mean it’s what my heart truly wants. Deep down I feel like I knew I wouldn’t enjoy much of the hidden aspects of travel writing. But my head outplayed my heart’s instinct and only showed me the upsides and possibilities.

    So in order to be truly happy you must have harmony with what you feel in your heart, not just your head. Your heart must be aligned with your thoughts, words, and actions. And the heart should be the one that initiates the rest. Thoughts, words, and actions should follow what you feel in your heart.

    Maybe Gandhi implied this in his quote, but I feel it necessary to say it explicitly. The world we live in today can get muddled and complex, so having a guiding mantra that is specific can help direct us.

    The Call to Return Home

    Earlier this year I returned home to Ireland after spending a total of two years and three months traveling. While I was away, I spent plenty of time tapping into what my heart truly wanted for my future.

    There were moments where I wondered if I even wanted to return home. I thought about continuing the traveling lifestyle, seeing the whole world. I could work odd jobs when I needed more cash.

    When I think about it, I’m sure I would’ve been able to enjoy myself if I continued traveling. But the reason I didn’t choose it is because my heart wasn’t in it. My heart was yearning for that return home to Ireland.

    I was eager to return to my family and get started with my mission to reimagine Ireland’s education system. I believe education should empower young people to find love, joy, and fulfilment in their lives, not just prepare them for a limited number of careers.

    When My Calling Was Blinded by Pleasure

    There were many moments on my travels where I got caught up in the fun of drinking with good friends and I wondered if I really did want to go home to pursue this mission. One particularly memorable moment was when I was volunteering in the Treehouse hostel in Nicaragua.

    As I sat overlooking the jungle canopy, sipping on a cold beer after one of our wild jungle rave parties, I watched the morning sun pierce through the trees. I felt its warmth sooth my face, and any worries about the future were washed away as the refreshing beer slid down my throat. Tropical house music gently bounced from the speakers, and I was surrounded by friends who were all chatting and laughing.

    This is paradise, I thought. Why would I leave? Why put all my efforts into something that wasn’t guaranteed to give me immediate joy?

    I didn’t owe it to anyone to reimagine Ireland’s schools. Why not just live a carefree lifestyle, traveling to new places and finding new groups of friends to drink with and beautiful girls to chase?

    Seeing Things Clearly 

    Looking back now, I realize the endorphins rushing through my body were tricking me into believing I needed to seek more instant pleasures like these and forgo my grander visions. But once I sobered up and the newly made friends and beautiful girls disappeared, those feelings of joy wore off, only to be replaced with a profound feeling of emptiness.

    Deep down I yearned for real connection and a sense of purpose. Something I knew could only be found in a great love or a great mission.

    The freedom I felt in the jungle was euphoric, but I knew that it couldn’t be sustained. There was a fire in my belly that couldn’t be ignored. Moments of pleasure could dim the flame for a while, but they could never put out that spark that was pushing me to do something more.

    Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed my travels. I indulged in many pleasures and had a great time while doing it. I had lots of amazing experiences, met tons of great people, and learned countless lessons along the way.

    I’ve experienced the most blissful peace on top of mountains and the most painful loneliness at the bottom of them. My time spent traveling was an important part of my journey through life. One that I’ll always remember and always be grateful for.

    However, I knew that making the pursuit of pleasure my aim in life was dangerous. It was always destined to lead to a life of addiction and misery. I’m aware pleasure can bring me joy and satisfaction in the moment, but I also know those feelings never last.

    Where True Happiness Exists

    I am not saying I am giving up pleasure altogether, I still love drinking and things like sex and nice food are great too! I’m just putting my heart’s mission in front of my mind’s pleasure pursuit. My mission is what will bring me lasting joy and fulfilment.

    My casual indulgences in pleasures will simply bring me all I expect from them. Momentary pleasure.

    I urge people to experience the fullness of life through travel. Try the things you’ve always dreamed of trying. Indulge in pleasures and enjoy them in the moment. Just remember that the joy they bring will not last forever.

    Lasting joy and fulfillment must come from within. When you are living in line with what your heart believes is right. When what you think, say, and do is in harmony with what you feel. Pursue that great love or that great mission when they ignite inside. When you do, you won’t need to seek happiness. Happiness will find you.

  • How to Break Free from Your Inhibition and Start Living Life

    How to Break Free from Your Inhibition and Start Living Life

    “You are very powerful provided you know how powerful you are.” ~Yogi Bhajan

    For most of my life, I felt that life was happening to everyone else and I just got to watch.

    Someone else’s parents came to see their high school graduation and celebrated with them. I walked home alone.

    Other people went to their own university graduation. I didn’t even bother turning up and had my certificate sent to me.

    Other people dated and experienced what it’s like to spend their time with a variety of people in an attempt to find out who suits them and who doesn’t. I stayed at home watching TV instead.

    Other people made friends at work and socialized with them. I went home and listened to their stories the next week. Until the following week the cycle would repeat itself.

    Other people got married eagerly and put their wedding photos out on display. Mine stayed hidden in a cupboard.

    Other people hosted big family celebrations and laughed the laughs I wish I had.

    Other people honeymooned or traveled to exotic places with people they loved. People they held hands with. I never even had the thought that that was possible for me.

    I have thousands of other examples of how I feel I missed out on life, and I know that the majority of people would respond to each and every one of them, “Well, why didn’t you make it happen? Why didn’t you make a different choice? Why didn’t you do something?!”

    The honest answer is that I didn’t know that I had to do anything.

    I believed that I had to sit around and wait for something good to happen to me while watching amazing things happen to other people. I didn’t see that mostly they were making them happen, and I didn’t understand why nothing exciting was happening to me.

    I felt helpless and hopeless.

    It’s not that I was ungrateful for the life I lived, though it should be more accurately described as an existence. And yes, in the grand scheme of things, it was a pretty good existence, but I was lucky enough to grow up in a society that offered a huge number of opportunities and possibilities… none of which I took.

    I felt frustrated, drained, and depressed because, from my perspective, life was passing me by fast while others got to live it. Really live it.

    And I never understood why…

    Things have changed a lot since then, but it’s been difficult at times to recognize what I had or hadn’t been doing to and for myself.

    Maybe you can relate. Maybe you too feel that you should be grateful for your life, comfort, and health while feeling the stinging pain of a life not unloved but unlived.

    Maybe you’ve also felt like you’re watching from the sidelines while others get to play the game of life.

    Maybe you have always wanted to join in too but felt too shy, too awkward, too … INHIBITED!

    And that’s what I attribute my unlived life struggles to—my inhibition.

    There’s something within me that has always held me back. Not just from the bad or unwise but also from the good and the fun.

    Something within me always stopped me. That something within always felt scared and unsure.

    Even if I had realized that I was supposed to make choices, I don’t think that I could have made any because I didn’t really know what I wanted.

    I was taught as a child that you couldn’t have everything you wanted. I guess I made it mean that wanting anything was bad and would only lead to disappointment. In order to avoid that disappointment and feeling shame for my wants, I started to repress most of my desires.

    That way, going without became a lot more bearable.

    But the things I just couldn’t stop wanting—like friends or new and fun experiences—caused me a great deal of distress.

    Not because wanting them was bad but because I felt absolutely powerless over making them happen.

    And so, I was stuck with an unhelpful mindset characterized by inhibition, self-doubt, and passivity as well as an underdeveloped skill set. In combination, that led to:

    • Friends I didn’t make or stay in touch with
    • People I never met and dated
    • Holidays I never took
    • Career opportunities I let pass me by
    • Parties I didn’t go to
    • Celebrations I didn’t engage in
    • Real intimacy I shied away from
    • Connection I never formed
    • Words I never spoke
    • Dreams I didn’t make come true
    • Opportunities I didn’t take
    • A life I didn’t live

    In the past, I thought of myself as a person who just wasn’t meant to be happy. A person who fun things just didn’t happen to.

    I didn’t realize that I would have to be fun and that that was what I was craving.

    I was craving a disinhibited me. A light me. An open me. A fun me.

    I knew it existed, but I just didn’t know how to unleash it.

    I was a repressed shell of myself. I was on the inside looking out, watching others live rich and full lives, wanting to join them but feeling imprisoned within myself.

    “Good girls aren’t ungrateful and selfish. They don’t ask for what they want. They are happy with what they’ve got.”

    Such a short message with such a big impact.

    I stifled myself on every level without really knowing what I was doing. Instead, I felt sorry for myself and completely helpless.

    It’s not that I was lazy and loved feeling sorry for myself. It’s that I didn’t know that the glass wall wasn’t really there. To me, it looked real. To me, it absolutely existed. I didn’t realize that it merely consisted of limiting and inhibitory beliefs that stopped me from creating the life I actually wanted and from becoming who I wanted to be.

    And so, I stood by waiting while watching others live their lives.

    Until one day, I met some quite unlike me. Someone who was more like the opposite extreme. Someone who has always said “Yes” to life and snatched up opportunity after opportunity and experience after experience.

    He helped me see through my limiting beliefs and step through my imaginary glass wall. It was a difficult undertaking at times but one that was so very worth it. It’s also something everyone can do. I’m no special case or extraordinary in any way, and so I know that if I can do it, it is possible for everyone.

    Here are the five main things that helped me liberate myself:

    Don’t Believe Your Inhibitory Thoughts

    This is HUGE! Just because we think something doesn’t mean that it’s true. It also doesn’t mean that it’s helpful or something we should act on.

    Old thoughts feel real and true and are usually very strong. We believe them because they’ve been with us for a very long time. And yet, they may be stopping us from realizing just how powerful we are in creating our own life.

    Just because you think you’re too old for this or for that, doesn’t mean that you are.

    Just because you may find something new difficult or uncomfortable to learn, doesn’t mean that you should just not do it.

    Just because there are things you’ve missed out on when you were younger, doesn’t mean that you should continue to go without or that you missed your chance.

    We listen to thousands of limiting and inhibitory thoughts and then deprive ourselves of truly engaging in life.

    We must become more aware of these thoughts in order to transcend them. This means we must stop treating them like they are absolutely true and valid reasons for choosing not to take part in the game of life.

    Allow Yourself to Want Something

    Maybe right now there is nothing you consciously want. That’s okay. I’ve been there too. We bury some things so deep down that we don’t even remember that they exist. Don’t worry about that—it will all come back to you.

    When you start to open up and are willing to listen, miraculous things happen. You’ll feel a nudge here or there. Something interesting will catch your eye. You’ll feel a little pull in your stomach telling you that there is something you want.

    And then it’s all about allowing that to be there without denying it, invalidating it, or pushing it away.

    Just let it be there and listen.

    Soothe and Reassure Yourself

    Re-awakening your desires may bring uncomfortable feelings with them. What you want may be shame-bound, and so it might feel difficult or even forbidden and distressing to allow it back into your conscious awareness.

    Learn to soothe yourself through these difficult feelings should they arise.

    They are not a threat. They are simply an internal reaction to breaking the cycle of inhibition. It may feel scary, but it is not wrong to break this cycle. You are doing something good and life-affirming and life-enhancing for yourself.

    Talk to yourself in a compassionate, encouraging, and reassuring voice. Make room for whatever feelings arise and calm your nervous system by breathing deeply and slowly.

    Everything is fine. You are not doing anything wrong.

    You are safe and you are well on your way out of the prison of inhibition and stepping bravely into the world.

    Prepare and Plan for Action

    Not having tried to proactively make things happen for and by ourselves means that we haven’t had much practice. We might not know yet how to deal with the frustration and disappointment of learning something new and it not turning out how we had hoped it would.

    These are skills to develop. It is a natural part of learning, and we need to practice getting through our frustrations and disappointments so that we continue on our journey of making things happen.

    We cannot let the discomfort of temporary disappointment and frustration stop us. These are just signs that there are different and better ways of moving toward what we want. They are not signs that we are doing it wrong or that we should give up.

    They are signs that we are in the process of trying something different and learning something new. They are evidence that we are proactively taking part in life and growing as a person.

    Learn New Skills and Take Action

    This is the ‘doing it’ part. It’s exciting and scary all at once. But this is where change happens in a visible way. This is the part that’s easily noticeable.

    It can also be the part where inhibition might raise its ugly head for one last time before it acknowledges its defeat. Do not give into it! You have worked hard for this moment, so keep going.

    If you’ve wanted to learn how to set boundaries, say the words.

    If you’ve planned on having a difficult conversation because there is something you just need to get off your chest, have it.

    If you’ve planned on leaving your partner, leave.

    Whatever it is, take action.

    It is the last but most vital part. It is also something you can do especially now that you’ve prepared for it.

    Notice your feelings and validate them. Speak to yourself with understanding and compassion. Soothe and reassure yourself. Then take action.

    Take action even if it feels scary or uncomfortable. It’s new and different, so it can feel like a threat. but remind yourself that it isn’t.

    You can do this.

    Inhibition doesn’t have to be a life sentence. Make sure it isn’t one.

  • How to Open Your Eyes and Make the Most of Life

    How to Open Your Eyes and Make the Most of Life

    “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” ~Marcel Proust

    I was asleep for the first thirty-two years of my life. I was jolted awake when my daughter was born unable to sustain her own breath.

    I sat beside her in the NICU helplessly every day for three months, unable to hold or feed her due to her fragility. I watched as she endured two surgeries before six weeks of age.

    She was diagnosed with a rare muscular disease that required significant medical intervention and around-the-clock nursing care. In those first few months following her birth, the picture of the life I had painted with its carefully selected colors and images, began to bleed into unrecognizable shapes around me. This was my awakening.

    Awakening happens when the veil drops away and we discover we have very little, if any, control over what happens outside of ourselves.

    It’s easy to believe in the fallacy of control when things go according to our predetermined plan. It’s much harder when things do not align with the image we have painted for ourselves. When we don’t get the promotion we have worked so hard for, the lover we have pined for, or the healthy child we always dreamed of. What happens to our happiness when we attach ourselves to these external outcomes?

    Before my awakening my self-worth was tied to the success of my career, the balance of my bank account, and whether others approved of my life and my choices. I had to take a close look at myself and dive deep. What was my heart telling me? I broke open.

    I left a marriage and a job that I had let define me for over a decade. I pursued a path of practicing and teaching yoga. I learned to appreciate the many gifts and lessons my daughter offered me each day. I watched her overcome physical limitations and grow to become a beautiful, sweet, and sassy little girl, full of humor and enthusiasm for life.

    Every day she would wake up and exclaim “I’m so excited!” Whether it was school, errands or a stroll through the park, she saw the beauty of each moment.

    We can never fully realize our potential if we are too stuck in tunnel vision to see the vast expansiveness of possibilities that exist.

    What if not getting that promotion leads us to our true passion? Or that unrequited love creates space to meet our soul partner? Or the disabled child we did not plan for wakes us up to the things in life that truly matter?

    If we’re consumed by our idea of what we want our life to be, or we wallow in disappointment when things don’t go to plan, we close ourselves off from all the blessings that lie before us.

    How can we expand our own perception of reality and surrender to our path?

    1. Stop blaming.

    Every decision you have or have not made has led you exactly where you are. So often we play the blame game with accusations of “this is their fault” or “they made me feel this way.”

    Though we may have been victims in the past, and we didn’t get to choose our circumstances as kids, as adults we are responsible for our own emotions and circumstances. When we choose to no longer hold a victim mindset, we are empowered to take the reins of our own life and make choices in line with our highest path.

    2. Focus on the now.

    When we put our energy into thoughts of past regrets or future fears, we often suffer anxiety or depression. When we shift our thoughts to the present moment, we tune into the blessings that are happening right now. Yoga and meditation are great tools for practicing presence. The more we remain present with each moment as it comes, the less fear and anxiety we experience.

    3. Connect to nature.

    Nature heals. It’s that simple. Go outside. Put your bare feet on the Earth. Dig your hands in the dirt. Climb a tree. Look at the star-filled sky. Learn from the reliability and consistency of nature. The sun always rises and sets each day. The seasons change without fail. These truths remind us of the divine timing of everything, and we too are a part of this universal tapestry.

    4. Connect with a friend.

    We are social creatures. We crave connection—whether it’s FaceTime or face to face. While it is often necessary to go inward, sometimes what we need is to get out of our own head and spend time connecting with a close friend. Practice complete presence. Laugh and be silly. Cry and be vulnerable. Be real. Engage in friendships where you can show up exactly as you are, without judgment. Choose interactions and connections that leave you feeling lighter.

    5. Give to others.

    Often when we feel sorry for ourselves, the best way to get out of our “woe is me” space is to do something kind for someone else. There are so many ways we can give back to others or to the community. Get involved in charitable work. Send a care package to a loved one. Send your energy into something that creates a shift from your own perceived problems to helping those around you.

    6. Live with purpose.

    Engage in work that lights you up. You may already have a career that’s driven by passion and purpose. Or perhaps you have a side gig or hobby that fills you up. It could be drawing or playing music, teaching, or coaching others. Say yes to things that bring you joy and a sense of purpose. Say no to things that drain your spirit, unless they’re responsibilities you can’t neglect, and it will be much easier to find time, even if only small windows.

    7. Establish a daily gratitude practice.

    Gratitude is a daily choice. We can focus on what is missing or we can choose to focus on the blessings right before us. Put pen to paper. It can be something small, like a morning cup of coffee, or something more grandiose, like the ability to love and be loved. Focus your energy on what you are grateful and shift from a mindset of lack to one of abundance.

    —

    Waking up is a process that unfolds the moment we decide to relinquish control and surrender to the flow of life.

    I was asked again to surrender when my daughter passed away at the age of four. Even with deep grief and loss in my heart, her memory floods me with so much light that it is impossible to go back to sleep. Every time I feel sorry for myself or worry about things outside of my control, all I have to do is think of her. Her life illuminated my own path to self-love and surrender.

    The more we trust our own path, the more peacefully we can navigate our way through this world. In each moment we can choose gratitude over disappointment, love over hate, abundance over lack, and trust over fear. Through these daily choices our original painting will transform into a landscape more magnificent than we ever could have dreamed of.

    What are you not seeing because you are seeing what you are seeing? Are you ready to awaken to the illuminated path that is unfolding right before you? All you have to do is open your eyes.

  • Why I Appreciate Simple Things in Life After The Coronavirus

    Why I Appreciate Simple Things in Life After The Coronavirus

    “It’s not a bad idea to occasionally spend a little time thinking about things you take for granted. Plain everyday things.” ~Evan Davis

    Let me go back in time. Not too long, but only six months ago when the virus outbreak hadn’t occurred yet. I was cursing the traffic, complaining the beer in a bar was not chilled enough, and hating that the supermarket next to my house did not have my favorite deodorant.

    Soon after, due to the global pandemic, my country was under lockdown like many others. When I was indoors, I realized how beautiful and blessed I was to have the life which I otherwise assumed was regular and usual. Little did I know that I was taking things for granted and complaining about the most trivial problems.

    When I look back now, I notice many special areas of life whose importance I failed to understand earlier.

    1. Freedom

    I had the choice to go wherever I wished and do whatever I wanted. As long as I did not do anything illegal or break any rules, of course.

    I had the freedom to live life like I wanted to. No holds barred, and no questions asked. It was my life and my choice.

    Yet, if I had to drive too far, I would whine about the miles I had to cover. During the lockdown, I needed a valid reason to travel that distance and face cops who most certainly wouldn’t allow me to get there.

    Staying indoors has taught me that losing control of the fundamental aspects of your life makes you uncomfortable. These are the things we consider usual and expected. We only realize the value of them when they vanish.

    2. Comfort

    Life and technology have evolved by leaps and bounds over the years. In fact, life today is drastically different from what it was a decade ago. Back then, you needed to carry a digital camera for photos, self-driving cars hadn’t hit the road yet, and group messages were not even a thing.

    Now, we enjoy so many benefits from the comfort of our couch. You can order food, get your car washed, or send a package to your friend without stepping outside your front door. When the delivery executive arrived ten minutes late, I would mentally curse the company for making me wait.

    During the lockdown, I would wait a whole day for the same service. The comfort of technology and the services various businesses provide are priceless.

    3. Variety

    I had a hard time picking vegetables. I would roll my eyes saying, “Someone needs to produce new vegetables. I can’t eat the same all the time.” That was despite having a large variety in the supermarket. I wanted something fresh and new.

    The same applied for the cereals I bought, the restaurants I dined at, or the shopping mall I visited. I had enough of the cereals that seemed to taste the same. I was fed up with the restaurants in the vicinity of my house. I wanted other shopping options than the usual mall next door.

    I would travel an extra distance to add variety in my life. During the lockdown, I did not even have the privilege of relishing the usual options.

    The more variety we have, the more we crave. Desire is like a treadmill running on infinite electricity. It never comes to an end.

    4. The fun outside

    No matter which city you live in, you have umpteen opportunities to have fun and relax. I had the option to watch any movie I like, go bowling no matter how bad I was at it, or enjoy the adrenaline of a kart race.

    Even though I had very many ways to have fun, I compared my city with others. I complained, “Damn, my city has no options to enjoy nature. I have to go miles away for a trek.”

    When I was locked in and resorting to board games, I realize how fun-filled my city actually is.

    5. The human interaction

    When I went out with a large group, it would take a toll on me. Being an introvert, I preferred only a certain level of interaction. Beyond that, I would choose to be by myself than socialize. The smiles seemed artificial, and the handshakes appeared unnecessary.

    Today, when I come across a passerby, the smile lies hidden behind the mask, and a handshake is out of the question. Earlier, we called the people around us a “crowd,” today we call our situation “isolation.”

    The memes on the internet, which say that introverts feel no difference locked indoors, aren’t true. Both introverts or extroverts need at least some form of interaction to feel connected with the rest of the world.

    6. The power of teams

    Before, whenever we had to solve a problem at work, we would gather in a room and exchange ideas. Many complex issues found a solution because human beings can improve on each other’s thoughts to reach the desired outcome.

    Today, facilitating such a conversation is a nightmare. Video conferencing tools provide a viable workaround for one on one discussions and team meetings where everyone shares updates. But they cannot replace a bunch of smart people sitting in a real room discussing ideas at tandem.

    Moreover, teams who see each other every day, gel along better. The physical presence creates a bond beyond just work relationships. It is the strength of such bonds that facilitates organizations to achieve massive goals.

    I realize the power of teams, even more today when they cannot operate like they used to.

    7. The giant web of economy

    The economy is like a huge castle constructed of many individual Lego blocks. When you take one out, you feel no difference. Take another out, still not too big of a pinch. Take a few more out, and the entire structure collapses into mayhem.

    Different parts of the economy are interdependent, even if they do not seem apparent. Shutting down public transport left many people unemployed and unable to earn their daily wages. A lack of transportation implied goods couldn’t flow freely. As a result, we did not have all the supplies in your supermarket.

    Every contributor to the economy helps it remain steady. When everything runs well, you don’t notice their contribution. When a few portions break, you understand their role in keeping the whole structure stable together.

    The Lessons I Learned from the Lockdown

    The past weeks of the lockdown have taught me some invaluable lessons I will remember for the rest of my life.

    1. Enjoy the present.

    I have targeted gigantic goals for a long time. As a result, my eyes are always on the future, and each day is a grind to get there.

    But the world around you is full of things to relish, cherish, and enjoy in the present. I am not saying you must stop chasing your goals and enjoy today alone. I will continue pursuing goals like before, and so should you. But while you are on this journey, don’t forget to pause and experience the happiness around you.

    Don’t lose the sense of the present by solely focusing on the future.

    2. You feel the pain only when something is missing.

    Some of the things of your day to day life seem normal and expected. For example:

    • You expect to find all you need in a supermarket
    • You expect the pizza to arrive within thirty minutes
    • You expect the mechanic to show up and fix your broken vehicle

    Over time, such expectations make you lose the value of little things in life. Don’t take such things for granted. You never know why and how they can be snatched away from you. You only feel the pain when you lose the privilege altogether.

    3. Your emotions are defined by what you choose to see.

    No matter who you are, what you do, and which part of the world you belong to, you always see what you want to see. If you want a reason to complain, you will find a ton of things around you that aren’t right. If you seek happiness, you will notice many parts of your life that are a reason to rejoice.

    Everyone shows a common reaction when things go well. Someone gives a toast, people clink their glasses, and everyone dances to the music.

    But you cannot always control the world around you to work in your favor. The market can collapse, a natural calamity can occur, or a virus outbreak can happen.

    What you can control is how you respond to such calamities to stay strong. Your reaction to such mishaps is what defines you.

    The global pandemic due to the coronavirus made my life harder. But, on the positive side, it has made me stronger.

    “When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways—either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits or by using the challenge to find our inner strength. Thanks to the teachings of Buddha, I have been able to take this second way.” ~Dalai Lama

  • Why Joy Is Important for Healing Developmental Trauma

    Why Joy Is Important for Healing Developmental Trauma

    “We all have everything we need within us to create our fullest potential.” ~Abraham Maslow

    Did you grow up with a critical, distant, or ignorant mother?

    She probably made sure that your physical needs were covered, but she never noticed or understood your emotional needs. If she was anything like my mum, she may even have shamed you for having them!

    You’re an adult now, and you have everything you need to be happy. So why aren’t you? Instead, you feel unworthy, disconnected, and lonely even when you’re with people you love. There’s this constant emptiness inside that makes you angry and sad at the same time. 

    Maybe you still long for a loving mother like you did when you were young, hoping that one day she’ll show up, or maybe you’ve given up hope that your mother will ever change.  

    Either way, she left open wounds inside your entire being—invisible traces of the trauma that you sustained. And you need to heal these wounds so that you can rediscover your true nature, activate your full potential, and live a life of your choice—a life filled with joy.

    Healing is crucial for your health—mental, physical and spiritual alike. The good news is, you don’t have to live in misery waiting for the “perfect” day to start being happy. In fact, bringing more joy into your life now will help you heal.

    Think about it this way: Joy is like the sun that eats away grey clouds and opens up the skies. Everything it touches brightens up and fills with the energy of growth. 

    Joy helps minimize the stress of the fight-or-flight reactions that you grew accustomed to because of to your traumatic past. It activates positive patterns in your brain instead, helping you heal and thrive.

    Just like it helped me.

    How I Learned to Speak Joy

    I was thirty-one when I made the life-changing decision to move abroad, far away from the stress of the strained relationship with my mum. On the outside, I was a confident adult woman, the mother of a seven-year-old boy. But inside, I felt like a scared little girl longing for a safe place to hide.

    Moving to a new country brought much positive change into my life. But, like nearly everything in life, with the good came a challenge.

    Running from my narcissistic mum, I left behind everything I knew—everything I had built in my life. I also left Mum alone with my dear sick father in the age before the Internet, when international phone calls could bite holes in a family budget. What I wanted was a break from the pain inflicted by Mum’s behaviour, but I never stopped worrying about her and my dad.

    I swapped my career in one of the country’s best medical centers for the life of a housewife, surrounded by strangers who spoke a language I didn’t understand. I uprooted my little boy and brought him to an unfamiliar place far away. We both felt like two survivors who had landed on another planet, and I needed all my strength just to stop myself from falling apart. 

    So how did I step beyond merely surviving, and begin to thrive? By making a conscious decision to live in the now and enjoy what I have.

    As simple as it seemed, it was a challenge in itself. You see, Mum taught me that life was serious business, and neither fun nor joy belonged there. Fortunately, the healthy part inside of me knew what I needed: to master another “foreign” language—the language of joy. Fortunately, I listened.

    “Even when you didn’t have the mother you needed, there’s a place inside your heart that totally knows how to love.” ~Jette Simon, psychotherapist

    So, there I was, learning to enjoy mundane chores like vacuuming and cleaning bathrooms—what could be less joyful than that? But I would turn on MTV, sing along, and swing my hips to the tunes blazing out of the big black box of a TV we had back then. And that simple trick drizzled my life with positivity, helping me to turn boring, everyday stuff into pleasurable activities.

    After that small success, I learned to seek and find joy in everything I did.

    You may be unable to change every challenging circumstance of your life, but you can bring more balance to your emotional inner world. 

    Being a food lover, I experimented with local recipes, enjoying tickles of creativity and sharing the results.

    My mother-in-law, Kirsten, who called me every day, clearly cared about us. Unfortunately, we didn’t speak a common language, and I needed something to make those conversations come alive. So, I made a list of the stuff I was usually doing—I’m vacuuming, reading, helping my son with his homework, and so on—and my husband translated it for me. This list became not only my first lesson in Danish, but it also brought joy to our connection and deepened our relationship.

    I loved spending quality time with my son with no stress attached and enjoyed the growing feeling of closeness between us. I did my best to help him cope with new people and our new life, and in turn, he helped me.

    I enjoyed my time alone, too—a walk with the dog (another language to learn!), sunbathing on the terrace, or reading a book. For the first time in my life, I could sit there doing nothing, and no one would criticize me for being “lazy” as Mum used to!

    Spice up your daily activities to expand a flow of positivity and minimize reactivity patterns.

    Looking back, I clearly see that I learned to be in the moment, pay attention to what I was doing, and do it with joy.

    Gradually, my overall mood began to improve, and I could see my life in a brighter light. Each day started to look more like an adventure, with endless possibilities for joy presenting themselves.

    It didn’t heal my trauma, of course, but it helped me get the best out of a turbulent time of change and prepared me for a healing journey. 

    Your Brain Still Remembers

    The chronic stress of developmental trauma has a long-lasting impact on the brain. Overloaded with negative bias, some parts of your brain are overwhelmed and “acting out,” while others are numb, taken out of the game. You need to calm the loud ones and reactivate those that have gone quiet. By doing so, you re-center yourself and find a healthier emotional balance. 

    When you laugh, have fun, or simply enjoy the moment, troubles and worries step aside, and you enter another realm where you feel connected, safe, and loved.

    Joy is inside you as a natural part of your true being. You simply need to find and reconnect with it.

    Here’s how you can increase your ability to feel joy.

    Acknowledge your current situation.

    Put in words what you’re struggling with, why, and how it’s negatively impacting you—not to punish anyone but to clarify the challenge. Remember, denial keeps you stuck, but acknowledging things for what they are opens doors for personal growth, healing, and joy.

    Now, knowing where you stand, ask yourself what you want your life to be and what you can do to get there. Possibilities for moving forward always exist; even small steps will take you closer to your goal.

    Find balance in a state of control.

    Either too much or too little control means co-dependency. Many people try to overcontrol their lives. To overcome this, let go of things that are beyond your control, like changing other people. Instead, focus more on self-growth. 

    In other cases, people allow their circumstances to dictate their lives, resulting in too little control or even no control at all. If that’s the case for you, it means taking matters into your own hands. Start with easier things like taking care of your well-being and choosing things that bring you joy. After that, work on saying no and building and defending strong boundaries.  

    Learn to tolerate difficult emotions.

    To achieve a peaceful and joyful state, you must first learn to tolerate your difficult emotions. It’s not easy, but staying with your grief, anger, or shame can turn things around and free space for positive emotions. If you push these difficult feelings away, they will almost certainly eat you alive. Do you want to miss out on all the good stuff in life? I didn’t think so.

    Validate your feelings instead of suppressing them, denying them, or pushing them away. You have the right to all of them! How could you not be angry, sad, or in mourning when you grew up without the loving mother you longed for as a child?

    Working through painful feelings on your own can be tough, so ask your partner, a friend, or a therapist to support you during this time.

    Live in the moment.

    Did you know that multitasking is one of the biggest enemies of joy? It’s true! Taking on multiple tasks at once keeps your mind and body overloaded, and it’s impossible to enjoy yourself when you’re constantly changing activities. Focusing on one thing, on the contrary, allows joy to surface and bloom.

     Learn to calm yourself. 

    Nobody is happy or relaxed all the time, but you can learn the skills and techniques to calm yourself when you need to. By doing so, you help your brain build more positive connections and open up for joy.

    Mindfulness and mediation are two excellent techniques that help you to slow down and focus on the moment. If sitting silently cross-legged on a cushion isn’t for you, don’t worry, there are other ways to get the benefits of these practices. Anything that helps you focus, pay attention, and be present will do the trick.

    Engage yourself fully.

    No matter what you do, get completely involved in it. Even when you do something out of necessity, it’s possible to find joy in the action. Fully engaging in everything you do helps you discover new, exciting sides to boring stuff from your to-do list. And sometimes, adding fun to dull, repetitive activities like washing the dishes or waiting for the bus solves the problem and awakens joy.

    Help or share.

    Social connections bring lots of joy into your life, even if you’re just connecting on Zoom. Help people, or share something with them—a cup of coffee, a smile, or a passion of yours. For example, I like to bake, and blend facial tonics and creams; it helps me relax. But sharing my passions with others is what brings me profound satisfaction and joy. 

    And the effect stays for days and weeks—I promise! 

    Choose joy. 

    More joy means lower levels of inflammation in your body, better health, and greater happiness. You’re no longer a prisoner of your emotions and can consciously choose where you want to use your energy and how. 

    Activating joy helps you reconnect with an authentic, wise part inside of you that knows how to love. It means finally feeling like yourself and safe inside your skin—no matter what traumas you have endured throughout your life.

    “Every moment, if it’s really inside of you, brings you what you need.” ~Rumi

    Choose joy!

  • Free Online Summit to Cultivate Mindfulness and Compassion

    Free Online Summit to Cultivate Mindfulness and Compassion

    Hi friends! As you may know, I’m always excited to share free events that can help us heal, find peace, and learn to meet each other with more patience, kindness, and compassion.

    And I’m particularly passionate about mindfulness. The more present-moment awareness foster, the better we’re able to cope with our own sometimes-overwhelming emotions and the chaos in the world around us.

    For this reason, I’m thrilled to invite you to upcoming online summit In the Footsteps of Thich Nhat Hanh.

    Thich Nhat Hanh has touched the hearts of millions with his message of peace, non-violence, and kindness. From difficult beginnings as a Vietnamese monk forced into a life of exile, Thich Nhat Hanh has been instrumental in bringing Buddhism to the West.

    Join (free!) from March 25-29 to experience the Plum Village legacy through the insight and guided practices of nine leading teachers who have trained directly with Thich Nhat Hanh. This transformative event offers a rare opportunity to connect with the heart and home of his living dharma tradition.

    Sign up for free here to explore 5 key themes and dozens of teachings, guided meditations, and reflections during this online experience:

    DAY 1: Building a Foundation of Mindfulness

    Explore core teachings on mindfulness, meditation, and walking meditation, supported by guided practices and reflections.

    DAY 2: Understanding our Mind with Buddhist Psychology

    Dive deeper into Thich Nhat Hanh’s insight into the nature of our minds: How can we relate best to others? How can we bring mindfulness to our media consumption? And how can we work with our own strong emotions?

    DAY 3: Embodying the Beloved Community: Relationships and Community Building

    Get transformative insights into relationships and the importance of community, looking at topics such as the meaning of love, healing the inner child, and how to connect meaningfully and compassionately with others.

    DAY 4: Interbeing: Tending to Mother Earth

    How can we return to the earth, restoring our sense of ourselves as a part of a bigger picture? Discover concrete strategies to help heal our alienation from the Earth, experience gratitude, and abide mindfully in the present moment.

    DAY 5: For a Future to Be Possible

    How can we remain mindfully, even joyfully, engaged with a world that’s in turmoil? Explore practices and skillful action that can help you bring courage and kindness to the greatest challenges of our time.

    I believe this powerful event can help us transform our pain into understanding and compassion and develop peace for ourselves and the world. You can register here for free. I hope it’s beneficial to you!

  • I Want to Be Rich in Memories

    I Want to Be Rich in Memories

    “My life isn’t perfect, but it does have perfect moments.” ~Unknown

    Practice was over, the hot Florida sun was settling in behind the tall bleachers, casting golden rays onto the track. Behind me was my dear school, engulfed in beautiful palm trees. “California Girls” was playing through the speakers, and I was laughing with friends at something a teammate said. There, I realized how truly alive I felt in that moment. It was seemingly picture perfect in every way.

    A couple years ago I could only imagine being on this team, going to such a great school, and living in such a beautiful place as sunny Florida.

    Growing up as an immigrant child in the United States comes with a lot of uncertainty and oftentimes, worries, as you never know what lies ahead.

    But through all the uncertainties stood my beautiful family, always my rock through every situation. And now, standing on the crimson-red track, I understood why my family had sacrificed so much to be here. I maybe would have never gotten to attend an American high school and to participate in a sport I love so much, or to feel as free anywhere else.

    After fearing political persecution back in my home country of Kazakhstan, we were blessed to have a new beginning in America.

    I realized in that moment how wonderful it is to be living this life and how a seemingly ordinary moment can be taken for granted.

    Life is composed of countless moments worth living for, strung together by the seemingly mundane stretches in between.

    The moments, when all the chaos freezes, the outside noises die down, and you realize that you are living the dream you could once only pray for, it’s much like a cinematic fragment of a Hollywood movie—everything is still but the beat of your own heart and you feel nothing less than alive.

    Could it be that these glimpses often pass by us unnoticed, while we’re busy living in the thresholds of our complex minds and endless woes? As soon as we deal with one of life’s issues, it seems another is ready to spring into our mind leaving us in a rat race for happiness.

    We’re always chasing happiness, as if it’s something complicated and hard to find. Just Google books on happiness or success and I guarantee you’ll be occupied for a while.

    But happiness isn’t something we can permanently attain. It’s much like a fleeting wind—one moment it’s here, and another, it’s far gone.

    It seems to me that everything we do is driven by the desire to be happy. But what are we really looking for?

    Does his wish for a new car stem from the desire to have autocracy over a heap of metal, or the desire to feel free as he cruises along the coast reminiscing on his youthful years?

    Does she really wish for a new phone, or does she simply desire to feel respected by her peers and a new piece of technology will allow this?

    Recently, happiness appears to have been put on a pedestal, as if it is a prize reserved for the chosen ones. But happiness isn’t as elusive as we may think; it’s available to everyone. It’s about the simplest of life’s pleasures. It’s about the moments we live for—of warmth, friendship, and kindness. We just have to recognize and appreciate them.

    When I am old and withered, I want to be rich in memories—to have gone out, seen the world, and lived every moment that this life could give.

    I want to be rich in memories of sunrises on beaches, long hikes, family dinners, passport stamps, sunsets in New York, beat up sneakers, midnight fireworks, genuine love, endless laugher, sunshine on rainy days, and close friends. This is pure happiness, and these are the moments we live for. Let’s start collecting them now.

  • When You’re Unhappy and Want Things to Change

    When You’re Unhappy and Want Things to Change

    “Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” ~Seneca

    This is the first time I am admitting it: I was bullied in school.

    I was thirteen years old at the time, and it went on for the one year that I lived in Dorm 11. I never acknowledged it because I felt bullying was too small a misfortune to complain about.

    But now when I think back to it, I can remember exactly how the dormitory looked. I remember the view from the windows, the corridor in front of my dorm. I remember the faces of the other kids, and I remember my face—vulnerable, confused, and lost.

    It was the same year that I started showing symptoms of OCD. Things just went downhill from there…

    I guess I got lucky because at one point, things started to slowly get better. At twenty-nine, my life isn’t perfect, but I’m happier than I ever thought I would be.

    All the advice that I’ve received throughout the years and my life experiences comes down to three simple steps. If you feel unhappy about your situation, like I once did, perhaps these steps will be helpful for you too.

    Step 1: The Starting Point

    The Starting Point almost never gets covered in the self-help community. I guess it’s a secret, and so I’ll whisper it:

    Life is hard. 

    Fresh out of school, I finally started my journey toward a better life. (My goals were very modest: I wanted to have my OCD under control, better social skills, and a romantic partner.)

    At the time I was deeply influenced by books that promoted extreme positivity. I’m thankful for those books because back then I wasn’t ready for the lesson of Life is hard. They gave me hope where I had none.

    But those books also distorted my view of reality. They led me to bizarre conclusions: I thought that if I achieved my goals, then I would be guaranteed uninterrupted happiness.

    When things didn’t go my way, I felt there was something wrong with me. When my goals took longer than expected, I envied other people.

    I also failed to grasp that, ultimately, our desires are not finite. Reaching my goals would not lead me to a place of perfect happiness. Instead it would simply bring me new desires and obstacles.

    Today, I still read self-help books, but I am biased toward the Stoic thinkers. Although the Stoics did work toward their desires, their actions came from a crystal-clear view of reality. They understood that even if you became as rich or beautiful as you dream of becoming, life would continue to be challenging.

    The Starting Point brings you to exactly that—the starting point. It brings you to the firm platform of reality. Life is hard, and no amount of positive thinking or goal-setting can change that. This isn’t a good or bad thing. It just is.

    Step 2: The Problem

    The problem is the gap between who you want to be and who you are today.

    Growing up I had always envied my sister. She was socially savvy and had a lot of friends. And here I was—awkward, clumsy, and out of step.

    My social isolation was painful for sure. Yet, just the realization that I was different from who I wanted to be greatly added to my misery.

    Step 2 is realizing that although a gap exists between who you want to be and who you are, it’s okay. It doesn’t mean that you are worthless (you’re not). It also doesn’t mean that you’ve failed yourself as a person (you haven’t).

    I’m super aware of each and every shortcoming in me. I fuss over every small mistake I make. I forget to remind myself that everybody has shortcomings. And it’s human to make mistakes.

    What about Nobel laureates? Yes, they too make mistakes. And presidents? Yep! Celebrities and sports stars? ABSOLUTELY EVERYBODY!

    I’m not saying that we stop working toward our dreams or that we stop trying to become better human beings. I’m only suggesting that we start our journey with a sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

    And this brings us to Step 3.

    Step 3: The Solution

    The solution gives us two tools to build a happy life: hustling and acceptance.

    Hustling is the brute force approach to happiness: You take massive amounts of action and leave no stone unturned as you chase your dreams.

    And it works.

    If you are consistently putting in the time and effort, you’ll probably get what you are after.

    That’s how I achieved my original goals: I worked with a psychiatrist to get my OCD under control. I forced myself to meet new people so that I would acquire social skills. And one day, I met a wonderful lady who thought I was interesting.

    And then, well, I started to want more. Contrary to my expectations, I didn’t slow down to enjoy what I had. I just kept wanting more and more.

    I figured that living in the city was no fun unless you had a well-paying job… And it was quite impossible to look acceptable while wearing glasses… My relationship grew stale, and I started to look for someone new…

    To my horror, I realized that my life was nothing but a treadmill! My desires turned out to be completely meaningless. And happiness remained as far away as ever.

    Enter, acceptance.

    Acceptance is the exact opposite of hustling. Acceptance doesn’t need reality to change in any way. What is, is.

    Acceptance is also the gateway to gratitude. You start to slow down and cherish what you already have.

    I have accepted that my relationship may not last forever. This lets me appreciate what it means to be together today. (I make it a point to enjoy every evening we spend together.) Similarly, I’ve accepted OCD as a part of me. And now I am free to enjoy the benefits of being super detail-oriented.

    Finally, acceptance lets you see that not all goals are worth pursuing.

    To sum up:

    Hustling all the time makes my life seem like a meaningless treadmill.

    But relying only on acceptance is a very spiritual path. (I’m not ready for that yet.)

    The solution, then, is a mix of hustling and acceptance. I still chase my desires. At the same time, I know that achievement and happiness are two separate things.

    For my happiness, I depend on acceptance and gratitude.

    —

    Thank you for reading. I hope you found at least one idea that will help you.

    I understand that everyone’s experiences are different. Maybe what I wrote doesn’t resonate with you. In that case, I pray the information you need finds you very soon.

    I wish you all the happiness in the world!

  • If You Think Reaching Your Goal Will Make You Happy…

    If You Think Reaching Your Goal Will Make You Happy…

    The path IS the goal.

    The process is more important than the result.

    Life is a journey, not a destination.

    There are three very common, some might say cheesy and clichéd sayings you may hear when it comes to taking action to reach your goals.

    Some of you are probably rolling your eyes already, and I did when I first heard quotes like these.

    But I’ve recently realized something that has made me U-turn on a lot of my own old, outdated beliefs around goal-setting and achievement and acquisition of material things, or just generally “making it” in life.

    The path you’re traveling, the journey you’re currently on, really is the only thing that matters. All we have is the now.

    You can and should have dreams and aspirations, but I want you to think beyond them. You are capable of so much more than you think.

    Plus, the path you’re on may very well change for you, as it did for me.

    I’ll tell you about my dream.

    I knew from an early age that I wanted to be a professional musician. I wanted to tour the world as a guitarist in a metal band. Not necessarily be a rich and famous rock star, but to play shows, record music, and make a decent living doing so.

    I started out on drums originally. I used to practice at school. (No way were my mum and dad going to let me have a drum kit in the house!) I was pretty uncoordinated and flailed around like a sweaty octopus making a racket, so I ditched the sticks and picked up a second-hand electric guitar, vowing to one day “make it” in the music biz.

    Despite my family and friends all thinking that it wasn’t going to happen, and in some cases actively discouraging me from pursuing this very unorthodox career, I did in some small part succeed. I have played nationally and internationally, written and recorded music. I also have made a comfortable living teaching guitar for nearly ten years now.

    But what I am most proud of is not the fact that I proved my parents wrong or that I can stick two fingers up to anyone that doubted I would ever get this far. It’s not that at all.

    In some ways, they were kind of right. I didn’t fully make my dream come true after spending twenty-five years trying to do so.

    You see, I was just on a different path for a while to the one I’m on right now. Allowing myself to evolve naturally, let things take their course, and stop trying to control everything, has been an absolute game changer and has gotten me to a very good place.

    My original musical dreams, combined with my passion for helping people, led me down another route from that of the main stage at a festival—to teaching guitar. And I’m so proud and quite frankly amazed sometimes that I’ve been able to teach hundreds of people in my local area, and hopefully have made a positive impact. Playing a small part at least in their musical journeys.

    Where am I going with all this bragging!?

    An illusion of control is what I believe we have, but we truly don’t know what’s around the corner for us.

    And I think that the immense pressure of setting and achieving goals takes away some of the fun of that unpredictable journey.

    We set ourselves goals to achieve or acquire things that we believe will make us happy, right?

    So, you’re not after the goal per se, you’re actually after a happy feeling. You can have that happy feeling right now, even if you haven’t yet reached your goal. And you might eventually find you’re happier doing something else, if you’re willing to let go and shift gears.

    Next time you’re setting goals just remember that change is inevitable. Be flexible with your goals and have fun going after them!

    It’s fine to follow your dreams, but always follow the path that brings you the most happiness in the present.

    All we have is the journey.

  • 12 Habits to Adopt to Make This Your Best Year Yet

    12 Habits to Adopt to Make This Your Best Year Yet

    Many of us head into the New Year with big goals and ambitions. We think about everything that seems to be lacking in our lives and imagine ourselves far happier and more fulfilled on the other side of massive change.

    There’s no denying that certain accomplishments can amp up our life satisfaction, but I’ve found that our daily habits are the biggest contributor to our happiness.

    You can have a job that excites you, the best body of your life, and the perfect partner for you, but none of it will fully satisfy you if you don’t also prioritize the daily habits that nurture your overall well-being.

    If you want to feel good about yourself and your life, you need to regularly do the things that make you feel peaceful, joyful, and alive.

    With this in mind, I recently asked twelve Tiny Buddha contributors (all involved in our upcoming Best You, Best Life Bundle Sale) to share one habit worth adopting in the New Year. Here’s what they had to say:

     1. Start the day with positive intentions.

    “The moment I wake up, I do not move. I hold still for several minutes. I contemplate qualities I would like to offer for the day.

    Then I silently repeat the following affirmations:

    I offer this day peace.
    I offer this day joy.
    I offer this day enthusiasm.
    I offer this day kindness…
    (or whatever qualities I would like to offer on that day).

    And I keep going until I feel I am done.

    Some days are harder than others, especially if I wake up very early, still tired, with the prospect of a long day ahead.

    However, this simple, pithy practice sets the right tone. It fills me with gratitude and it firmly places me on the right track.

    From that point on, my day goes well, and everything aligns in the best and highest way possible, even if/as and when challenges arise.”

    ~Personal Growth Teacher Julie Hoyle (juliehoyle.org)

     2. Practice mindfulness.

     “For someone seeking a change in their life—to stop doing something destructive, to start doing something healthier, to become more confident, to step into the version of themselves they know they really are—the single best habit to cultivate is mindfulness.

    Mindfulness is the skill of paying attention on purpose to the present moment without judgment. This is the first step to change. It helps you recognize when you are doing the thing you want to change. It helps you understand when you are stuck. It helps you realize what you are really feeling and thinking.

    It gives you the starting point of your map. You can recognize what is really happening—’Oh look, I jumped to the worst-case scenario again. That made me feel afraid and uncomfortable. So that’s why I am looking for an excuse not to go to the party.’

    From here you are able to step outside those emotions of fear and discomfort and look at the situation objectively. From here, you can create change. You can challenge your thinking. You can reframe the situation. You can remind yourself of where you want to go. You can make a plan.

    We so easily live on autopilot. That’s not because we are lazy. It’s simply the more efficient way for our brains to operate.

    Create a habit, and you don’t have to think about what to do the next time that situation comes up. That frees up energy for your brain to do other things. But efficiency does not equal excellence. This autopilot way of living leads us to not notice what is really going on. Without mindful awareness, we get stuck in our feelings, we ruminate like a broken record, we keep making the same unhealthy choices over and over again.

    It’s a very simple skill—to be aware. But there hasn’t been a strong biological or evolutionary need to cultivate this skill in order to survive which is why most of us do not have this skill naturally. We need to work on it. We need to repeat it over and over until it becomes a habit. But it is so worthwhile.

    It’s actually a very subtle shift in your thinking, yet incredibly profound. Like standing under a waterfall, then taking one small step back out of the water and seeing the waterfall in front of you. Small step, big difference.”

    ~Stress and Anxiety Coach Sandra Wozniki (stressandanxietycoach.com)

    3. Adopt a meditation practice.

    “You know that feeling when you’ve been away from home for a while and then you finally walk in the door? It feels good, right? It’s hard to put into words, but something in your heart opens.

    Home is a place where we can open because we feel safe, warm, and held. It’s a place where we know we can always come back to, no matter how long we’ve been away. There’s a feeling of belonging.

    For me, meditation is like this. A returning home. As my mind begins to quiet, there’s an increasing sense of stillness that comes forward, and my heart responds. Stillness brings a sense of peace, clarity, stability, and a deep sense of connection and being held.

    As we move through this life, we all crave that feeling of home. A foundation. A sense of belonging somewhere.

    We often create a sense of home in the world, in a physical location, to recreate what’s fundamentally accessed through our heart.

    Returning to stillness is a returning home at its most essential level.

    In a world where we’re constantly bombarded by distractions, stimulation, dramas and conflict, it’s easy to forget what home feels like. Add to this a busy, emotionally reactive, and self-judging mind, and it’s easy to forget that a sense of home, peace, and warmth actually exists inside us.

    It does!

    Stillness is always there, in the background of our awareness, ready and waiting to support us, but our mind is usually too busy to notice it. And when there’s drama, turbulence or overwhelm in our life, stillness offers a very stable place to rest. But if we don’t train ourselves to know stillness, then when the drama and turbulence comes, stillness will be hard to find.

    Meditation helps us remember and build our relationship to stillness by getting us out of our head and into our heart. The more we visit stillness through meditation the more it permeates us, which means it’s more available for us in everyday life.

    So, when we’re in a stressful situation it’s a matter of letting stillness hold you.

    Does this mean it will work every time? Not necessarily. But with consistent practice you’ll change your relationship to the things that trigger and drain you, because you’ve chosen to cultivate a different, more important relationship. A relationship to stillness.

    And your heart is the bridge.”

    ~Meditation and Mindfulness Instructor Ben Fizell (peacekeeperproject.com)

    4. Use mantras as affirmations.

    “I’m a big fan of using mantras as affirmations. Sometimes life can feel as though it’s spinning out of control, and our minds can conjure up daunting scenarios that increase our stress levels and add to anxiety. A simple mantra can be super effective in helping to cut through the noise and bring us back to a single focal point.

    One of my favorite go-to mantras is ‘I am safe. I am loved. I am good enough.’ I say this at least three times, further affirming the words with each repetition.

    I recommend creating your own mantra using words that feel grounding for you. Keep it short—a sentence or two is plenty. Using affirming words (especially out loud) can create a healthy and empowering habit of self-awareness and self-care.”

    ~Author and Artist Skylar Liberty Rose (skylarlibertyrose.com)

    5. Play in nature.

    “How you play in nature is up to you. It might mean sitting in your yard, on a balcony, or even next to an open window and allowing yourself to revel in a tree’s stillness or a bird’s melody.

    It might mean adventuring to a new neck of the woods, or ambling down a familiar path while taking the time notice all the little things we usually miss in our hurry or preoccupation: the soft, green moss; the startling blue tail of a lizard half-hidden under a rock; or the curious expression of a wren that’s watching you from the bush next to the trail.

    Not only does playing in nature reduce stress and anxiety and improve overall health, but it can also help us find our way, both literally and figuratively.

    It’s like Rumi says: ‘Everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart.’

    We have so few chances in our everyday life to practice following our hearts, however, that most of us have forgotten how to do it. Wandering freely under the open sky, following our curiosity and desire, we learn how to let go of trying to arrive somewhere and discover the joy of simply taking the next step on our own unique path.

    When I began to reconnect with the natural world, I couldn’t help but rediscover my own human nature: my true self, that is; the gifts I have to give the world and where I fit into the ecosystem of life.

    Walking through the woods, I began to realize that just like every other living being on this planet, I have an important contribution to make; that when my mind finally grows quiet, I can hear a soft voice of wisdom telling me what that might be; and that if I listen to that voice, I too can—to borrow Mary Oliver’s phrase—take my place in the family of things.”

    ~Certified Integral Coach Meredith Walters (meredithwalters.com)

    6. Try habit stacking.

     “I highly recommend a self-care practice I call ‘habit stacking.’ This is taking several small habits and putting them all together in one time slot, i.e. first thing when you wake up.

    For instance, you might begin by doing a short meditation, which would lead to drinking a quart of water, followed by ten minutes of stretches, and then maybe preparing a green drink. Habits are motivated by triggers, so each activity stimulates the desire in your body for the next one.

    Do these regularly at the same time for a few weeks, and they will become engrained. Your habit stacks can work at any time, day or night, depending on when you want to create your own self-care zone.”

    ~Author and Speaker Suzanne Falter (suzannefalter.com)

    7. Connect with your body daily.

    “One habit worth adopting in the New Year is to start taking a few minutes every day to connect with your body. Pay attention to how it feels, to how you feel. Consider how you want to feel and what you can do to bridge the gap between the two if there is any.

    This is super powerful because we get so caught up in obsessive thoughts about all the things we think we’re ‘supposed’ to be doing for our bodies (and usually end up not doing) that we never stop to just connect with and listen to what it actually needs.

    This also works for mental health. If you wake up feeling down, angry, stressed, overwhelmed, (etc.), ask yourself, what does my head/heart/soul need today? Often, you’ll notice that you really just need a break. Give yourself that. Or maybe you need to find something that feeds your soul and gets you feeling passionate about something in life.

    Too often we end up going through the motions of life living in survival mode simply because we’re so busy staying busy that we don’t stop long enough to figure out what we need to feel vibrant, joyful, and fulfilled.

    If you struggle with healthy eating, take this one step farther by applying it to food. Take a second before you eat to ask yourself, how is it going to make me feel if I eat this? Do I want to feel that way? Why? This is a super powerful tool because it provides space between an auto-pilot impulse and the action that follows, to make a conscious choice based on what’s best for your body in that moment.

    The other reason it’s super powerful is because it helps you to start noticing if/when you’re purposely punishing yourself with food.

    If you go through those few quick questions and decide to purposefully eat something knowing it’s going to make you sick or to continue eating when you’re already full and know that eating more will make you sick, (and you don’t care), you’re punishing yourself with food. Beginning to recognize when that’s happening is the first step to learning how to change it.”

    ~Cognitive Behavior Coach Roni Davis (ronidavis.com)

    8. Practice breathwork.

    “One habit that I think could benefit many people is to incorporate some form of breathwork into their routine. That could be simple mindfulness meditation, box breathing, or some of the more advanced pranayama work in yoga—whatever works for you. From my experience, just a few minutes a day can have a profound impact on stress levels and your quality of life.

    Whether you’re looking to be a stronger athlete, to support your mental health, to be a more present partner or friend, or be more productive at work, I can’t really think of any areas in life that aren’t improved by adopting a regular breathwork practice.”

    ~Movement Coach Luke Jones (heromovement.net)

    9. Be selective about the news sources you tune into.

    “It’s admirable to want to stay informed about current affairs, especially in an election year, but carefully choose news sources you trust and even then, limit your exposure. There’s no value in feeling indignant for half your day, having arguments on social media that you can never win, or getting angry over events or with people you have no control over. All that achieves is that you hand over your personal power to others who are more than happy to take it.”

    ~Certified Life Coach and NLP Master Practitioner Tim Brownson (adaringadventure.com)

    10. Add gratitude to your “sorry’s.”

    “I don’t just say, ‘I’m sorry.’ I also say, ‘Thank you.’ For example, instead of only saying, ‘I’m sorry I was late,’ I also say, ‘Thank you for waiting for me.’ And instead of merely saying, ‘I’m sorry I was sort of out of it the other day,’ I also say, ‘Thank you for being there for me both during good times—and my not so good times.’

    This subtle shift helps me to feel better about my human glitches. Plus, it also winds up improving my relationships—because I’m sharing my appreciation with people, and gratitude is a good heart connector.”

    ~Bestselling Author and Award-Winning Designer Karen Salmansohn (notsalmon.com)

    11. Talk to strangers.

    “One habit worth adopting in 2020 is talking to strangers. This is a habit I started picking up in 2010, and it has been the best change I’ve ever made in my life.

    Our relationships are probably the second most important determinant of our well-being, trailing only behind our health. All relationships and interactions—including the ones with strangers—play a massive impact on how much you enjoy each moment.

    By talking to strangers, you’ll improve your social skills, get better at connecting with people, and you’ll learn how to enjoy any moment with random people. When you’re able to go to a book club, a bar, or a work conference by yourself and have a good time, your life improves drastically.”

    ~Blogger Rob Riker (thesocialwinner.com)

    12. Get more and better sleep.

    “I have come to learn that the quality of our sleep dictates almost everything in our lives! It has an effect on our mental state, our physical health, our attitudes toward things, our relationships, and ultimately our success in each area of life.

    Sleep has taken a back seat in the world of healthy living with exercise and nutrition being in the spotlight. But all the evidence points to sleep being the foundation of our overall health.

    Science has shown that if we sleep poorly, we eat poorly and exercise poorly too. If we sleep well, we make better decisions, choose better foods, can exercise more effectively, and we can ultimately live a more rewarding, impact, and successful life. It has a domino effect.”

    ~Life and Performance Coach Brendan Baker (startofhappiness.com)

    —

    Do you already practice any of these habits? And are there any habits you’d add to the list?